Until You Feel It

''I can't believe you're even giving this guy the benefit of the doubt, I mean come on Mandy, he left you at some beach in the middle of nowhere!'' Eden said, sitting on my bed as I got dressed.

''This time it's not a date E, he feels bad about leaving me in the middle of nowhere.'' I said, pulling a shirt over my head.

''Yea, so tell him he can send a nice fruit basket and you'll call it even.'' Eden said.

''Sometimes I wonder if you even have a conscience. I crushed the poor guy! He confessed his feelings to me and I basically told him that even though I agreed to go on a date with him, there would never be anything between us.'' I said, tightening my belt.

''So it wasn't the nicest thing you've ever done but come on! Alex is what got you in trouble with Bill last time.'' Eden said and then looked as if she wanted to rip the words out of the air.

''Well I don't exactly have to worry about him this time do I?'' I said solemnly and Eden just nodded.

The phone started to ring in the other room and I jumped slightly. I knew it was going to be Georg. I ran into the living room and grabbed the phone.

''Hello?'' I said.

''Hi Mandy, it's Georg.'' he responded.

''So what's the verdict?'' I asked cautiously. Georg didn't exactly sound like he was jumping for joy.

''Bill's been in his room since he came back the night before last. We don't think he's eaten anything. Tom's tried to talk to him, but he says that- what's that expression? The lights are on but no one's home.'' Georg said and I nodded even though he couldn't see me.

''Oh.'' was all I could manage. There was some noise in the background on Georg's end and I heard Tom speaking in German. I waited for Georg to tell me what was going on.

''Tom says that Bill's talking, he told him what happened and then Tom convinced him to eat.'' Georg told me and I was relieved that Bill wasn't going to stay in such a catatonic state.

''I'll call you later or if something changes.'' Georg said.

''Alright, thanks.'' I said and then we both hung up.

''So?'' Eden asked.

''He's come out of it, they got him to eat and he told them what happened.'' I said, the voice coming out of my mouth sounding to flat to be my own.

''You two will fix this, I promise.'' Eden said, pulling me into a hug.

''I hope you're right.'' I whispered. Eden pulled away from me, putting one hand on either of my shoulders and looking into my eyes.

''You know I am.'' she said and I smiled faintly. Eden was usually right about these things. She had been right about me and Bill before, who's to say that she wasn't right this time?

As a fresh wave of Eden inspired hope washed over me, I went to put my shoes on, it was almost seven and I was going over to Alex's soon.

''Are you going to-'' Eden started but then stopped halfway through.

''Am I going to what?'' I asked.

''Well I was just thinking, I mean, now that Bill's talking, are you going to try and talk to him?'' she asked nervously.

''I wouldn't be surprised if he never wanted to speak to me again.'' I said, thinking about just how much I had hurt him.

''You know that's not true.'' she said.

''I don't know E, it all depends on him. Who knows, maybe I hurt him just that much too much.'' I said.

I wasn't going to rush into anything before he was ready, or I was. The last thing I wanted was for him to tell me that I had hurt him too much and that he couldn't be with me anymore. As much as Eden told me it couldn't be true, there was still that one nagging part of me that was screaming that it was.

I glanced at the clock, it was two to seven.

''I should go.'' I said and Eden nodded.

''I shouldn't be back too late, if I'm staying past nine I'll call.'' I told her as I walked towards the door.

''See you later.'' Eden said and I left.

I walked down the hall to Alex's apartment and knocked on the door. I folded my hands and looked down at my feet as I waited for him to open the door. There was a light clicking noise and then the door opened.

''Hi Mandy.'' Alex said, a smile painted across his attractive face.

''Hi Alex.'' I said, also smiling, his was contagious.

''Come in!'' he said, stepping out of the doorway.

He led me into the dining room and pulled out a chair for me. I thanked him and sat down. The table was already set and I could smell something good wafting from the kitchen.

''I didn't know you could cook.'' I said playfully.

''I can't.'' he laughed as he came out of the kitchen with two plates. He set one down in front of me and I looked pointedly at the food.

''I can't, but Trevor can.'' he said and I laughed.

After bringing drinks to the table he sat down opposite me and we started to eat.

''So what have you been up to since I saw you last?'' I asked Alex and he thought about it for a minute.

''Nothing too exciting, just working mostly.'' he said and I nodded.

''So you're loaded now?'' I asked and he laughed and nodded.

We made small talk about our lives as we ate, both of us avoiding the topic of what had happened that night, but at the same time knowing that it was inevitably going to come up at some point.

''I don't mean to pry, but your boyfriend, and well the other night.'' Alex said, sounding unsure of how to ask the question.

''You heard that?'' I asked.

''The whole building heard it.'' he said playfully but compassionately.

''Well obviously, we got into a fight and I kind of ended it.'' I said, hurting as I said the last few words.

''I'm sorry to hear that.'' he said and I nodded.

''Yea, we all make mistakes right?'' I said and he 'mmhm-ed' in response.

''Speaking of mistakes…'' Alex trailed off and I knew we had reached the point in the evening where we had to talk about what happened.

''Mandy I feel really bad about what I did that day.'' he said.

''I know, and I feel bad too. I shouldn’t have done what I did, it wasn't fair to you.'' I told him.

''I know, but no matter how upset I was, it didn't give me the right to leave you there like that, I mean you didn't even know where you were!'' he said, sounding like he had thought it over a million times.

''It's alright Alex, I forgive you, and I just hope that you can do the same.'' I said. I wouldn't have been surprised if he had said no.

''It's ok, it's not like you're the first girl to tell me that you didn't feel the same way that I did.'' he said with a smile that said he was sincere.

It was silent for a minute as we both drank and then Alex stood up, taking our dishes to the kitchen.

''I'm also sorry it took so long for me to come and apologize, it just took a while for me to think, to plan.'' he said as he ran some water in the sink.

''After a while I realized that by being mad I was going about it entirely the wrong way.'' he continued, completely loosing me.

''Going about what?'' I asked as he walked out of the kitchen.

Without saying anything, he went to his front door and shut the deadbolt. He then turned back to me, the expression on his face frightening me. It was one of happy, psychotic delusion.

''Getting you back of course.'' he said the frightening smile not leaving his face.