Until You Feel It

I sat there on the floor, tears falling silently from my eyes, holding Mandy in my arms for what felt like ever before there were more hurried footsteps in the hall.

Gustav ran to the door and waved down the paramedics. Three paramedics came in; a stretcher already in tow and Tom moved Eden out of their way.

''She's bleeding a lot, we tried to stop it.'' Georg said as he let one of the paramedics take over with the towels.

''You've all done a good job here. Is she the only injured person here?'' the female paramedic asked, no doubt remembering the line straight from a handbook.

''Well there's him.'' Gustav said, pointing towards Alex who was still motionless on the floor.

''She's lost a lot of blood. We're going to have to move her onto the stretcher, I need you to let go.'' the paramedic said, looking at me and I nodded reluctantly.

As one of the other paramedics joined her, I let go of Mandy as they took hold of her and lifted her up onto the stretcher. As soon as she was lying on the stretcher, the second paramedic pulled an IV needle with a bag of clear liquid attached to it. He stuck the needle in her arm as the female paramedic strapped her to the stretcher. As they moved towards the door, two men in blue uniforms entered the apartment, apparently Eden had alerted the police as well.

''We're going to need another stretcher, this man is unconscious.'' the paramedic who was examining Alex said.

''Leave him that way!'' Eden said bitterly. The paramedic smiled sympathetically and then started to mumble into the radio that was attached to the front of his shirt.

''Son do you want to ride in the ambulance with her?'' one of the paramedics asked me and I nodded.

Georg put out a hand and helped me up off the floor. I hurried to catch up to the paramedics as they maneuvered the stretcher out into the hallway.

''Is she going to be ok?'' I asked as we rode silently in the elevator.

''Like I said before, she's lost a lot of blood so I can't give you a straight answer. I'm sorry.'' one of the paramedics told me and I nodded solemnly.

I stared down at her motionless body strapped to the gurney. I couldn't help but think that his was my fault. Had I not pushed her so hard the other night, none of this could have happened, we wouldn't have fought and I would have been there to prevent her from going to Alex's for dinner.

Aside from the fact that my pissing her off to the point of her breaking up with me was obviously at fault here, I felt responsible for what had happened to her physically as well.

Had she not moved me out of the way, it would be me lying there. What she had done was a testament to how much she loved me, which made me fell so much worse about questioning her in the first place, which brought me back to how responsible I was for her going to Alex's in the first place. It was a vicious circle.

After deciding that thinking hurt too much, I decided not to. Instead I stared down at Mandy, the slow, almost undetectable, rising and falling of her chest the only thing giving me hope. A blur of emotion must have been written across my face, the most predominant being pain, because both paramedics were looking sympathetically at me, although I barely took and notice. My attention was focused on Mandy.

Even before the doors opened, the paramedics were poised to move and the second there was enough room to get the stretcher out, the rushed through.

I followed quickly, wishing there was something I could do, even though I knew there was nothing.

As we exited the front doors of the building, there was a blur of lights and sounds. There were red and blue lights on top of the ambulance and several police cars that had joined it that were alternating like mad and it made me a bit dizzy. There were also a lot of voices that blended into one haze of noise, and I heard a distinct gasp as the people that the voices belonged to caught sight of me running next to the stretcher.

Several camera flashed went off all at once and a suddenly constant light was shining on us as I watched the medics put Mandy into the ambulance.

The male paramedic held a hand out to me and helped me up into the ambulance before slamming the doors shut. The female medic banged on the wall between the drivers cabin and us and I felt the ambulance start to move immediately.

The male medic was speaking into a radio now, describing Mandy and her injuries. I could see a bruise starting to form of the side of her face and it enraged me to think of what he had done to her before we got there.

''You'll have to give your statement to the police at the hospital young man.'' the female medic reminded me and I nodded, slightly dazed.

I knew that talking about this later would be hard, but right now, Mandy was the only thing I could think of.

The time between sitting in the ambulance and sitting alone outside of the operating room was very blurry.

I had been with Mandy right up until they wheeled her into the OR. A little while ago, a woman came and sat next to me and asked for Mandy's information. I felt almost like a robot as I answered, giving the woman Mandy's full name, birthday, age, and next of kin, although I didn't know her parents phone numbers. I told the woman that she could ask Eden when she got here. I had never personally had the desire to call up Mandy's mother and have an afternoon chat. I was sure she had told her parents about me, but I was yet to meet them.

Now I was sitting here in a hospital, outside of a room in which they were trying to save my girlfriend, with my head in my hands, letting my tears fall silently.

The vicious circle had started again in my head. This time it was worse though. My mind had decided to come up with different visions of what we could be doing right now had all this not happened. As the painfully pleasant visions tore at my mind, it seemed like I was becoming more responsible for this as the seconds went by, and the guilt was weighing down on me.

There were some hurried footsteps at the end of the hall and I paid them no mind until I recognized Eden's voice.

''We're looking for our friend.'' she said.

''He's around six feet, black hair, looks exactly like him, except he's probably been crying.'' she said, no doubt pointing to Tom.

''Well there is a boy just down the hall, but he doesn't exactly look like him.'' a woman said, sounding like she was trying to find the similarities between Tom and me. We're identical twins, but a lot of people couldn't see it.

''Bloody jeans?'' Gustav asked and I looked down. My jeans were absolutely drenched in Mandy's blood and I quickly looked away as this new reminder of earlier tonight sent a stab of pain through my chest.

''Yes.'' the woman answered, a sudden solemn note to her voice.

''Thank you.''' Eden said and I could head the four of them hurrying down the hall.

''Bill!'' Eden exclaimed as she caught sight of me. She ran over to me and threw her arms around me.

''Are you ok?'' she asked as she released me from her embrace only to put one hand on either side of my face. Although she was staring questioningly into my eyes now, the pain she felt was obvious in hers.

''I'm holding up.'' I said, not wanting to lie and tell her I was ok when part of me was slowly dieing.

Tom put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. He didn't have to say anything for me to understand everything he meant, call it a twin thing.

My friends joined me on the bench and the five of us waited anxiously for any news from inside the OR.