Until You Feel It

''Mr. Kaulitz? Son wake up.'' a voice said as the owner of it shook me lightly.

For a brief second, I had no idea what was going on or where I was, like I had completely forgotten about what had happened, but then everything hit me like a speeding train. All my memories of last night came back to me in a strobe like fashion, flashing through my mind at a blinding speed and I jolted awake.

''What happened? Is she ok?'' I asked frantically. I could see my friends being pulled out of sleep as I spoke and they too were now listening intently to the doctor.

''We stopped the bleeding. Miss Rosell is going to be fine. We expect a full recovery.'' the doctor said and I felt as though a two hundred pound boulder had been lifted off of my chest.

At the words 'fine' and 'full recovery' my heart soared.

Mandy was going to live.

A huge weight had been lifted off me and I had never felt so relieved in my life. I could hear Eden crying tears of happiness beside me and me eyes started to well up as well.

''Can I see her?'' I asked and the doctor's expression was suddenly more serious as he answered.

''Not just yet, she need a few hours of rest before she's ready to see anyone.'' he said and I nodded.

''Maybe you should go home and um, change.'' he said, hesitating slightly as he looked at my blood stained clothes.

''I'm not leaving.'' I answered automatically. I knew I looked horrid, but I was going to be here when she woke up, even if it meant going in with no pants.

''That's understandable.'' the doctor said. Clearly he'd dealt with guilt-ridden boyfriends before

''It's ok Bill, I'll go back and get you some clothes.'' Georg said and I shot him a grateful look.

''I'll go with you.'' Gustav said, joining Georg as he stood.

''I'm not going anywhere.'' Eden said, her tone final and then she looked to Tom.

''You can go if you like.'' she said and he shook his head.

''I'm not leaving.'' he said, sounding almost exactly like I had. Georg nodded and Eden gave him the keys to the apartment.

''We'll be back soon.'' Gustav said and then the two of them headed for the exit.

''Nurse? Will you show there three to where they can wait for a few hours?'' the doctor asked and the young nurse added.

The nurse showed us to a waiting room where there was a bunch of cushioned chairs that circled the room, their backs pressed against the walls. There was a small coffee table in the center of the room where some tattered, out of date magazines were sitting in a messy pile and a small TV mounted high on the wall in one corner of the room next to a clock.

We thanked the nurse and went in, automatically sitting opposite the TV, only now did I realize that it was roughly four a.m. and as if my body just realized the same thing, my eyelids started to get heavy.

''Bill? Bill?'' someone said, shaking me gently.

''What happened?'' I asked as I shot upright in a sleepy haze.

''Everything's fine, we brought your clothes.'' Georg said, putting a bag in my lap.

''Thanks, what time is it?'' I asked, rubbing my eyes.

''Just about eight. The doctor was here a little while ago, he said you could go in and see her around nine-thirty.'' Georg told me, sitting down next to me.

''What took you guys so long to get back?'' I asked, realizing that he and Gustav had been gone for almost four hours.

''We got back around five; we just didn't think it would be good to wake you up. You haven't exactly slept in a while.'' he said and I nodded.

He was right, the night after Mandy and I had fought, I had been in bed, but I hadn't slept at all. Other than the few hours I had gotten last night, I really hadn't slept.

''I must look horrible.'' I assumed and the looks on my friends' faces confirmed it.

''Um excuse me?'' a nurse said, poking her head in the door. She was young and had brown hair with brilliantly blue eyes.

''If you wanted to shower, I'm sure the other nurses wouldn't mind if you used the one in the nurse's locker room.'' she said, no doubt hearing our conversation.

I looked reluctantly at my friends. I didn't want to be the last one to go in when Mandy was awake, so leaving the waiting room for any extended period of time was not on the top of my things to do list.

''We wont go without you.'' Eden said, reading my look and I smiled gratefully.

''That would be great.'' I said, turning back to the nurse and she smiled.

''Follow me.'' she said as I grabbed my bag of clothes and joined her in the hallway.

''I'm Jessica by the way.'' she said as she led me to the nurse's locker room.

''I'm Bill.'' I said with what I could muster of a smile.

''I figured.'' she said and I looked at her questioningly.

''Well you're not Tom.'' she said and I couldn't help but smile and note that she was one of the first people to not go insane when she realized who we were.

I waited in the main part of the locker room, as she made sure there was no one in the showers. As I went in she told me that she would hang around to make sure that no one disturbed me. I thanked her and closed the door.

I stood in front of the full body mirror that was against one of the walls and grimaced as I looked at myself. I did look horrible. The blood on my jeans and the bottom of my shirt had dried, my hair was a tangled mess and my cheeks were stained with run makeup.

''You can use these.'' Jessica said, poking her head in the door and handing me a small bag and a towel.

''Thanks.'' I said and smiled as she closed the door.

I turned the water on and then took my clothes off. My jeans were stiff from the dried blood and I tried to ignore the uncomfortable feeling as they came off.

I stepped into the water and let it run over me, trying, for just a minute, to forget everything.