Until You Feel It

''I missed your cooking so much Eden.'' I said as I ate.

''Me too.'' Gustav said, looking contently at the food she had made for dinner.

''I know.'' she replied and we laughed.

It had been three days since I left the hospital and everything was going fine. I took the pain medication when I needed it –which was getting less frequent- and I moved around as much as possible. Even though I was feeling fine, my friends still treated me like a china doll sometimes, and that was starting to get on my nerves.

The first night that I got to sleep in my own bed was positively wonderful. My mattress had never been so comfortable and having Bill there was the icing on the cake. That boy was the world to me.

But everything good ends eventually. Tomorrow would be the boys' final full day here before they left for Germany.

Over the past three days I'd spent every possible waking –and sleeping- moment with Bill. I tried to memorize his face, and imprint his voice on my memory, not that if I typed his name into Google I wouldn't be able to find either. Even so, I wanted my own memories of Bill, not the bland substitutes of internet pictures.

Tomorrow night we were going to a party, a celebration of sorts for having an amazing tour, but at the same time, a farewell bash for the boys.

The impending heartbreak that was Tokio Hotel going back to Germany inched closer with every minute that passed, but that fact was being kept safely at the back of my mind. This was largely due to Bill's hand inching slowly up the inside of my thigh underneath the table.

He'd become much more forward in the last few days, touching and kissing me whenever the opportunity arose, trying to make the most of what time we had left. However, what Bill was doing was nothing compared to the current level of PDAs between Eden and Tom.

You never saw one without the other, and they were always attached in one way or another. Neither of them seemed to mind the fact that there were people there when they started. I got the feeling that they would have made out in a church while there was a priest conference going on if the mood struck them.

''That was gr-eat E.'' I said, squeaking mid sentence due to where Bill's hand now was.

''I'll bet it was.'' she replied, eyeing Bill who was smiling contently.

''I think I'm going to go have a nap.'' Bill said and then quickly stood up. Bill went into my room and closed the door. I decided to wait a minute before I went after him so not to make it too obvious. I sat at the table, my legs bouncing a bit, looking aimlessly around the room.

''Just go!'' Gustav said, making me jump a bit but then I grinned as I got up and hurried to my room.

When I went into my room Bill was on my bed, leaning back against my headboard with his arms folded.

''I was wondering when I'd see you.'' he said, a smirk playing at his lips.

''You think you can just do that to me and then run off?'' I asked, walking slowly towards my bed and he wiggled his eyebrows as if to say ''of course I can''.

''Yes.'' he replied simply

I crawled up the end of my bed, laying my body on top of his as I moved towards his face. I had one hand on either side of him and our faces were barely an inch apart.

''I don't think so.'' I said, our lips brushing with every word.

There was no further discussion of the matter as Bill knotted his hands in my hair and pushed his lips against mine. I leaned into the kiss, deepening it right away. He put his free hand on my lower back –careful to avoid my cut- and turned me so that we were lying down and he was on top.

My hands quickly found the bottom of his shirt and started to pull it upwards. He sat up for a second to pull his shirt off and then returned to my lips. I started to kiss down his neck towards his now bare shoulder as his hands found their way to the bottom of my shirt.

I moved back to his lips as his hands started to roam under my shirt. He ran both hands up the front of my stomach, up to a spot just under my bra and then they separated, sliding slowly around my rib cage to reach my back.

Unconsciously my back arched up, allowing his hands room to move around my back. His fingertips traced lightly down my spine, making me shiver a bit. He was teasing now, kissing my neck lightly as his fingertips, brushing lightly over my back, raised goose bumps on my skin.

Deciding that he was going to take too long to get to it, I reached to the bottom of my shirt and pulled it off. He smirked against my skin and I pulled him back to my lips.

He continued to brush his fingertips over my back. His left hand unexpectedly ran over my cut, leaving a strange tingling feeling behind, and he froze for a second, as if he had just remembered what had happened.

Before I could remark on his hesitation, he regained his momentum and drove his tongue in my mouth with noticeably less for than before. Clearly, he had just remembered that I was a china doll.

All the same, I ignored what I knew he was thinking and traced down his stomach to his where his belt was holding his pants firmly in place. As I started to fiddle with the buckle, he froze again, clearly I had pushed my luck too far.

Since I had been released form the hospital, even though I had insisted that I felt fine –and I did-, Bill had refused to sleep with me, and it was really starting to make me angry. By this point I had a lot of pent up sexual energy, but the only person I could release it on, refused to let me do so.

He pulled away from my lips and looked into my eyes, remorse and sympathy filling his eyes. Clearly I wasn't the only one with pent up sexual energy.

''Why not?'' I demanded as he moved from on top of me to beside me. Although I had not specified what I meant, I knew he knew.

''I don't want to hurt you.'' he said as he pulled me against his bare chest, his voice torn. He wanted to, but despite my reassurances, he didn't think that I was as healed as I was.

''You wont! I'm fine!'' I said, my voice pleading. He simply sighed and then kissed the top of my head.

I huffed and my eyebrows laced together in a look of frustration as I brought my hands up to place them on Bill's chest.

''Why not?'' I asked again, more out of frustration than wanting an actual answer.

''I told you.'' he replied.

''I know I know.'' I grumbled.

It was silent for a second as my frustration suddenly melted away into sadness.

''You're really going aren't you?'' I asked, my voice now a whisper.

''Mandy,'' Bill started.

''I know, I know.'' I whispered, but my voice was strained. Seconds after the words had left my mouth a sob followed and tears began to pour freely down my face.

''I'm so sorry.'' he whispered into my hair, holding me tightly against his chest.

''Don't be.'' I told him, tilting my head up to look at his face. His eyes looked as pained as I felt.

''This isn't your fault, I knew what I was getting into and I dove in head first anyway.'' I said, putting one hand on his cheek.

''I just wish I could…'' he trailed off.

''Me too.'' I said.

''I'm just going to miss you so much.'' he said, his voice colored with tears that he refused to shed in front of me.

''Me too.'' I replied, it being the only coherent thing I could manage at the moment.

''It just went by so fast. One minute I was kissing you in front of a hundred people, and now we're here.'' Bill said, putting one head on the back of my head as I cuddled into his chest, sobbing silently.

''That's not even the worst part.'' I said, when I could manage words. He was silent and I continued.

''The worst part was that I was too blind to my surroundings and I didn't get to spend even half of your time here with you.'' I said, referring to the fact that I had been oblivious to how Bill had felt about me.

''At least you decided to wise up after all.'' he said and a faint smile crossed my tear stained face.

I tilted my head back up towards him and saw a faint smile also on his lips. I leaned up and pressed my lips softly against his in an innocent yet passion filled kiss.

''My life will never be the same without you,'' I said

''I'll always love you Bill.''

''For ever and ever.''