So Far Away

*Brian’s P.O.V.*

Probably the saddest day of my life. Today I would help with my other friends carrying the best friend that I’ve ever had in my life to his grave. The last way before he would live for eternity.

I really can’t remember how it all started. I came home from my Christmas trip with friends and just wanted to pop over to my best friend Jimmy to let him what happened but he never opened me the door. People often speak about intuition when they feel that something bad happened with their family or friends at some place far away. I’ve had that feeling when I was driving back from Santa Monica straight back to Huntington Beach where I was living. I couldn’t really describe it and blamed all the alcohol from the other night but I didn’t know what was expecting me.

So I had turned on the radio and listened loudly to random metal bands that were buzzing from the speakers. It helped me to distract my mind a little. I didn’t want to start worrying and make myself crazy about something that was just a part of a trick of my mind.

After one hour’s drive I reached my house. I parked the car in the driveway and started to walk over to Jimmy’s house. I couldn’t wait to see my crazy friend again, who went through all good and bad times in my life and let me tell you that something happens all the time.

I met Johnny halfway to Jimmy. I never had seen my little friend so happy than these days. He was really happy with his girlfriend and they just spent some time off outside of America.

“You are really beaming. I think I should put on my sunglasses again” I joked and put my arm around his shoulder.

“Life couldn’t be better right now.”

I hoped I could have taken this literally, but it turned sadly to the other side.

“I’m really happy for you. A gnome deserves a real woman” I chuckled.

We had been teasing each other for so long that I stopped counting who was actually on the lead. Well I didn’t count on this too much. The main thing was that I could tease my friend and bring him even up a tree sometimes.

“Just funny that we have the same plan right. We both go to Jimmy. Oh he will love the attention he will get” I smirked and started knocking on the door.

Once. No sign. Twice. No sign. It was past lunch time so I assumed he would be in his living room watching TV or playing video games. Since his girlfriend broke up with him he felt a bit miserable but we all tried to cheer him up, distract him and show him that we would be always there for him.

“Do you know if he had planned some vacation?” Johnny asked after he didn’t opened after the fourth time.

“I really don’t know. I think he would have told us anyway. I know that he had been at some party last night.”

In that moment an older lady was coming outside. Mrs. Larson was a really nice older lady that was taking much care of the people in her street. She was kind of famous for listening to other people’s problems or telling the kids a few spine-chillers. Now and then she was talking to Jimmy and they were having some fun by talking of older times. I always wondered what Jimmy had to say. He wasn’t really old.

“Hello Mrs. Larson” I yelled over and waved at her.

“Oh Mr. Haner and Mr. Seward. It is really nice to see you again” she said with her a cracking voice and was coming over to us.

“Do you know if Mr. Sullivan is at home?” Johnny asked.

“I heard him coming home around 8-ish. I think he is still sleeping.”

I raised my eyebrow to Johnny and then picked up the spare key that I got for any case of need. We opened the door slowly and it was really awkwardly quiet. We didn’t hear any sound.

Deadly silence would have fit better in that moment.

“Let’s go upstairs” I whispered and pointed to the stairs.

Mrs. Larson was a really curious woman so she stayed with us. We all went upstairs and when I opened the door to the bedroom I saw him lying in his bed. But something was already a bit strange. He normally snored pretty loud. I remembered a discussion with him and Matt about the noises at night, and I wasn’t talking about any noises that were made when he had a girl in his room.

I stood at the door and watched Mrs. Larson and Johnny going over to Jimmy. I think she was the other person that had noticed that something wasn’t normal. She checked his pulse and looked at me. Her face became pale-white and I knew what she tried to say with this.

“Johnny” I said without looking at him. “Call an emergency.”

“Why shall …”

“Do it” I interrupted him and turned around to run downstairs.

I couldn’t watch this situation any longer. It was a real nightmare that started to begin. Strangely a nightmare that became real and where I never was supposed to wake up from. I wasn’t pretty sure what I should be feeling now. Should I be sad? Sad that I probably lost my best friend? Or angry? Angry because he had promised me we would grow old together.

We all knew about his enlarged heart and that the doctors swore to us he wouldn’t have a long life I always had been positive that he’s going to make it. A doctor told him that he’s never going to be 30 and he was so fucking close to that. Just two months left and we would have proved that the doctor was wrong with his theory.

I sat down onto the couch, looked at the picture of me and Jimmy that he placed on the table and was myself asking why. Why did this happen? Why now? We were about to start recording the next album and now our master mind died.

“They are on their way” I heard Johnny saying from behind before he sat down next to me.

“I just want to hate him right now” I looked at him and saw that Johnny’s smiling disappeared as well.

“Don’t hate him. It was a bad accident.”

“He had promised to be with us when we are old and grey. Johnny, you know as well as me that this is still far away. God had no right to take him away from us, not now” my eyes filled up with tears.

“There’s nothing that explains this, but he will live in our hearts forever. Jimmy wouldn’t want us to be sad. His life was a party and we were his permanent guests. Try to see it from that point of view. He will be with us no matter where we go and where the way leads us. We still have us.”

I know he tried to calm me down but I didn’t want to relax right. I wanted to cry, to scream and anything else to ease my fucking pain that got bigger second by second. Two emergency people stormed the house and were running upstairs. I prayed for a miracle to happen but I think it would be pretty naïve to believe this. It doesn’t seem that there was any help for Jimmy. He had found its way to heaven.

Just a few minutes later they were leaving the house with Jimmy on the barrow. Just a white blanket was lying onto his dead body. I had to accept the fact that I won’t see him no more.

~*~

I was standing in front of the mirror, checked a last time my outfit before I would leave to the cemetery to Jimmy’s funeral. We were all gathered, his family, close friends, his neighbour Mrs. Larson and even his ex-girlfriend accepted the invitation. I was highly surprised but she was shattered as we all were about his sudden death. The tests would need a bit longer but I didn’t need any test results to know why he died. It would fucking change anything.

There was no way to see him again, hang out or one of our drinking competitions. Nothing could bring me that guy back unless someone invited a time machine. Then I would travel back and would rescue him from his misery.

For my nerviness I drank a few shots. Alcohol might not be a great solution but I would have my speech later and I tried to avoid to burst into tears later in front of all them. It was a fucking hard moment already so the alcohol was just making it a bit easier for me.

I decided to make my way alone to the cemetery. I wanted to think through a few things and make sure I was making the right decision. As no one knows, and I wasn’t intend to tell anyone, I wanted to start my life somewhere else. I didn’t decide if it would be forever or just for a few months or years only but I needed to get some distraction. I needed to be at some other place, see different people and get over the past.

It was hard to find a place where someone didn’t recognize me. I was covered in tattoos and our fans knew them quite well. It might wasn’t pretty too easy to hide all of them but it wasn’t impossible. I would change my name as well to avoid my friends or family tracking me down. That time should be only for me and I didn’t want anyone close to me.

Johnny, Zacky and Matt were standing close to the coffin while I choose myself being alone, holding my already second drink and reading through my notes that I prepared for the speech.

“He was a good guy” I heard an older lady talking and saw Mrs. Larson who placed herself next to me.

“He was a great friend, inspiration and always willed to help people where he can. You can say he literally had a big heart” I tried to put a smile onto my face but it was pointless.

No one expected me here to smile. Like no one would judge me when I would start to cry now. Everyone here was sad and we were here to send him our last goodbye.

“Keep the memories in your heart, my dear, and let me tell you that he would always be with you, no matter where you go.”

“I will do that.”

I wasn’t really in my talking mood so I was just waving a goodbye to her and stood next to my friends. The Pastor was coming now and begged us to gather all together around the coffin.

“Finally, we are here today to seek and to receive comfort. We would be less than honest if we said that our hearts have not ached over this situation. We are not too proud to acknowledge that we have come here today trusting that God would minister to our hearts, and give us strength as we continue in our walk with Him.”

He pointed then at me and I was stepping onto his place. I breathed a few times, looked at all these sad faces and tried to control myself a bit longer.

“The last couple of weeks have been a terrible time for us all, living a nightmare that we have all struggled to come to terms with, but the one thing I can say is that Jimmy would be so very proud of the way that everyone has been there for each other and pulled together, united in their support. It just goes to show that we all carry a little bit of Jimmy inside ourselves; that deeply entrenched natural instinct to care for one another. So, if we are looking for positives to come out of something this painful, it is that new friendships will be formed and cemented for life…and Jimmy would just love that. Nothing was more important to Jimmy than those close to him, so let’s keep close to each other and do what he would want. Jimmy is so alive in every single one of us and between us we have so many amazing memories to share, so let’s just keep sharing them and enjoying them. He would want us to be happy. Laughter always got him through all his hard times and laughter will get us through ours. So I guess what I’m trying to say here is and these are Jimmy’s words, not mine, “Don’t forget to laugh and when you do laugh, don’t feel guilty because you are supposed to be mourning for me, laugh because I am still here with you all, laugh because I can hear you.” Your laughter and happiness is what keeps him alive and close to us, because it is the closest we can get to feeling his warmth. So carry on as Jimmy would want you to, be strong, dedicate things to him, continue to make him proud speak to him, speak about him, keep him close and in your heart.
Let the memories of Jimmy put the spring back in our lead-heavy legs, let the warmth of his eyes and smile dry our tears and let his voice boom out, “Stop flipping crying you softies, you’re setting me off too!!!” Whenever I hit rock bottom and start crying, I can never stay there for long before I start laughing as I remember ‘the good times’…so take a moment please to laugh those tears away by remembering some of Jimmy’s silliest moments with you. We carry him with us every day wherever we go, so to Jimmy from all of us here today this isn’t goodbye, it’s just a different kind of hello!”

Then I stepped back. I had been working on this speech for days and it turned out to a real challenge to form these words and bring the speech as it was intend to mean.

I was the last one that throw some mud onto his coffin before his grave was finally closed.

As before I didn’t want to see or hear anybody so I managed to escape from all of these people, leave them alone to carry their pain and make my way to the airport. The destination was unclear and no matter my feet would carry me next … I wouldn’t be the same person as the one I was right now.