Constant Headache

These feelings that were rushing through my veins as we sat on the couch eating giant bowls of Captain Crunch scared me. I continued to think about seeing him more after this night, seeing him in Starbucks and restaurants. I thought about holding his hand and wrapping my arms around his neck. The thought of hearing him laugh at my attitude sent shivers up my spine and his cologne, that cologne was potent. It was the only thing I could focus on, it was stronger than nicotine.

Inhaling deeply, I let out a sigh and watched as Jamie quickly looked over at me, pausing mid chew. After I allowed a moment for my stomach to knot and heart to flutter, I glared at him and watched as he shook his head and then continued to chew, setting his bowl down in his lap ad he grabbed my text book from the small gap between us and held it up to his face.

“So like, what do you do?” Throughout the half hour we had been in my apartment, Jamie had insisted that I was a mob boss posing as a student as the University of Texas, but after answering ten questions correctly, he deemed that I was just a freak. “What do these people do?” He pointed to the scientists in my textbook causing me to choke on some Crunch Berries. Rolling my eyes, I grabbed the book and quickly closed it and tossed it onto the floor.

“I make synthetic organs, prosthetic limbs, and shit like that.”

“Whoa!” Jamie’s eyes bugged out. “So if I needed a kidney you could sow one up for me and it’ll work?”

“Uhm”, I held back a laugh. “Basically, yeah.”

“You’re a fucking scientist!” Jamie whispered mostly to himself as he shook his head and scooped up a pile of milk infused cereal. “I don’t want to be a dick, but I had no idea.”

“Oh wow”, I glared at him again but it went undetected. “That sound like a dick? Not at all.” I huffed and shoveled more cereal into my mouth before I could bash on him. The night was going surprisingly well thus far, I didn’t need to fuck it up over something stupid like this. Not that I really cared, but I really kind of did.

Shaking his head, he ran a hand through his hair and then turned to me with a small smile. “Look at it from my perspective. I met you after you got into a fist fight in an empty parking lot in the middle of the night, does that scream scientist to you?”

“Have you heard ‘don’t judge a book by it’s cover’, princess?”

Jamie laughed at this. When I say laugh, I don’t use the term lightly. His mouth was wide open, the skin on the edge of his eyes crinkled, and the sound that came out of his throat and filled the air was infectious. As he laughed and bumped into my shoulder, I couldn’t help but to laugh too. It was just so funny, so cute.

No, not cute. It was funny. His laugh was funny, end of story.

My jaw clenched as I thought about my feelings towards the brunette. I thought about how I hated him yet owed him my life. I had already thanked him though, so this wasn’t necessary. I didn’t need to do this. I didn’t need to be so nice to him or invite him over. I didn’t need to even give him a second glance now.

But I wanted too.

“What’s going on up there?” Jamie questioned as he fished a few stray pieces of cereal from the sea of milk in how bowl. After chewing them, he put the bowl to his lips and drank a good portion of the milk. When I didn’t respond, he looked over at me. “Hey, Ryder?”

“What?” I barked and looked over at him, watching him try to push the huge smile off of his lips and look more hurt than amused. Fortunately for me, it didn’t work.

“You’re so rude”, Jamie shook his head as he finished the milk and then set the bowl down on the coffee table, away from my papers and books. “You can study if you want, I’ll go-“

“I still have another day to study.” My eyes widened as the words flew from my mouth before I could even think about them. “Aidan went on a date so-“

“You live with a guy?” His tone changed. It went from completely content to somewhat worried.

“We met in rehab, we’ve been best friends ever since.” I defended and then paused. My heart ceased beating in my chest, the blood in my veins stopped moving, and every thought in my head seemed to silence in my head. Swallowing hard, I gripped the spoon hanging off the edge of my bowl tightly and took a shallow inhale as the silence tore through me, cell by cell destroying my calm state.

This was it. This was when he made an excuse to leave and then avoided me for the rest of his life. This was where all of these stupid fucking smiles and nice- nice for me at least- gestures went out of the window. This is where the angel I projected onto him was proven wrong. This is where he leaves. The end. Night over. Back to being alone, back to being miserable.

I wore misery and angry well, after all.

When the man sitting on the couch shifted in my peripheral vision, my heart suddenly came to life and beat like I was in the middle of running a marathon. My tongue swelled in my mouth and my throat became as dry as a fucking desert. I hated the way he made me feel, I hated how embarrassed I was of my past when I was with him. Why did I care what he thought of me? Why out of every single person on the planet, did I care about this one in particular?

“Just fucking leave.” I snapped, setting my bowl of milk down on the table. I could barely breathe as the pain in my chest made my lungs tighten. “I don’t care, I don’t, just go. I won’t judge.”

“Hey, whoa, I never said I was leaving.” Jamie stated but didn’t add his normal amused laugh on the end. “I didn’t say anything, I don’t care.”

“Of course you fucking care” I turned to him, locking my eyes right into his. “How can you not care? I get you try to be as saintly as possible, but I heard the silence okay, I saw the way you reacted, just… It’s fine. It’s really fine, you can go, I won’t think any less of you.”

“I never said I was fucking leaving, Ryder!” Jamie said quickly. It was then I realized just how short his temper was. In that sense, I could relate, mine might have been even shorter. “What the hell, I mean I didn’t even ask to-“

I grinded my teeth together and rolled my eyes dramatically. I wanted to punch him in the face and demand a warm hug all at the same time. I wanted to be violent like I always was, but I also wanted to be the person I had never been in life. I wanted to change for him, and I hated that feeling.

Standing up, I told Jamie to leave a few more times as I grabbed our bowls and headed into the kitchen. Once I set them down in the sink, I turned around to see the brunette standing there, his strong arms pressed into his chest, showing just how muscular and intimidating he really was. It was shocking to see how scary someone could look but know how unbelievably nice they were at the same time.

“I don’t care.” He insisted as I tore my eyes from his and looked down. “Who am I to judge, huh?” I shrugged as answer and noticed his hands drop to his sides. “It’s only been a half hour and you’re kicking me out, should I expect this to continue every time we reach another half hour of hanging out?”

“I guess.” My stomach knotted as I blinked hard and then walked passed him and back into my living room. Sitting down on the couch, I grabbed my textbook and went to read it when I heard Jamie stomp into the room and tear the book out of my hands. Gasping, I quickly shot up and threw my arms to my sides. “Who the fuck are you?” I barked, knocking the book out of his large hands. “Like are you fucking kidding me?”

“Me? You’re the one being a massive bitch for no reason.” Jamie snapped, his jaw clenching as his eyes displayed how angry and nervous he was. “You’re the one that invited me over, and now you want me to leave, what the fuck was the point?”

“I guess I forgot how big of an asshole you were.” I said, chewing on the inside of my cheek as I watched his reaction. I knew he wasn’t an asshole, I knew he was one of the sweetest men on the face of the planet, but I was too stupid to care. My brain was in a whirlwind of thoughts, and I could feel the vein in my forehead pulse with rage.

“Me an asshole?” He was livid. “Me? The guy who fucking dragged you to the ER, waited for you, and then made sure you got home okay? The guy that just fucking ate Captain Crunch with you on your couch for no fucking reason besides wanting to fucking be within five feet of you?”

My heart fluttered. “Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an asshole, you’re just a huge fucking creep.”

“You are literally fucking ridiculous.” Jamie balled his hands into fists and then released them. “Do you hear yourself sometimes? Do you know how stupid your arguments are?”

I shrugged, watching as the fire in his eyes grew. A part of me wanted to silence my vocal chords while the other half of me wanted to see just how far I could push the brunette before he snapped. I’m not sure what part of me loved seeing people snap, but it was pretty damn strong.

“If they’re so stupid, why are you getting so angry?”

“How old are you, five?”

“You’d like that, huh?” He was close to breaking.

After a moment, Jamie inhaled sharply and then nodded, pressing his lips together. Looking around, he grabbed his keys and wallet off of the table and then walked over to me, his eyes dropping to mine as he nodded his head and balled one of his hands into a fist.

As I looked into his eyes, I felt my heart start to beat relentlessly in my chest. His skin was so soft, his eyes were so big, and that cologne, that goddamn cologne was filling my head to the brim, making all of my thoughts hazy. I could feel the tension radiating off of him. I could see his muscles stiff under his shirt. I knew how angry he was, I knew how much he hated me right now, and a part of me hated it.

I hated how stupid I was sometimes, but I couldn’t help it. Once my mouth opened, my words were a free for all. I was either strangely nice, or rude, there was no in-between.

“I’m leaving.” He breathed, the hot air that left his lips beating down against my face, sending shivers down my spine.

“Good.” I whispered and locked my eyes on his, examining them as my heart beat slowed.

“I hate you.”

“Then fucking leave.” I whispered. As soon as I finished speaking, Jamie inhaled sharply and then slipped a hand on the back of my neck as he pressed his lips against mine, making everything in the room drain of its color. Everything seemed dull compared to Jamie’s bright eyes and smooth skin. As my eyes widened, catching every small detail about him so close to me, I applied pressure into the kiss and let my eyes flutter shut.

Cutting of my sight, the rest of my senses heightened and I felt the temperature of my body rise as I put my hands on Jamie’s stomach. The smooth threads of his tee shirt pressed against his hard stomach made my body shake. Softly running my fingertips down his stomach I felt him shiver under my touch. Lightly bitting down on his bottom lip, he let a small growl rumble in his throat. Inhaling sharply as he deepened the kiss, the smell of his cologne rushed through my head, making everything in my mind disappear. All I could do was feel him, feel his fingers against my skin and his lips against mine. All I wanted to do was smell his cologne and feel his tongue rub against mine.

Lightly wrapping his arms around my waist, he pulled his lips from mine and then took a deep breath. As I opened my eyes, they automatically connected on his and after a minute, I took a step away from him, watching as his arms dropped to his sides.

“I’m sorry.” He breathed, his voice breaking as he whispered ‘sorry’. As I looked into those huge eyes, I shook my head and then dropped my eyes down to my feet. Within seconds of entering reality again, my head started to explode as thoughts screamed for attention, jumbling together and creating a horrible pound behind my eyes.

Nodding, I went to speak when Jamie turned away fro me and opened the front door to the apartment. As soon as he took one step into the hallway, I felt my whole body stiffen. Inhaling sharply, I called out his name and locked my eyes onto his as he turned toward me. “If you leave right now, stay the fuck out of my life.” I whispered viciously, my eyes wide and full of water as I watched the man stand in my doorway, his big eyes confused as they traced over my facial features.

I was confused. My head was spinning, my skin was burning, and my stomach was in knots. I wanted to punch him in the face so badly that it made the muscles in my arm ache. I hated him for kissing me like that, I hated him for just turning and going to leave after, and I hated myself because I cared.

Why did I care? Why did I even let him kiss me? Why did I kiss him back? Why did I fucking invite him over in the first place? I didn’t know him, I didn’t even like him.

My knees shook under the weight of my body as I continued to let my thoughts beat up my mental stability. My actions weren’t making sense. I was doing things I would never do; say things I would never say, and care about things I would never care about. This wasn’t me, this wasn’t who I was.

Jamie brought the worst out of me in every possible way.

Hands shaking at my sides, I dropped my eyes to the floor as I watched Jamie’s feet move further away from me, and then after a few seconds, the front door slammed shut, and I was alone.



I was about to throw up as I shut the apartment door behind me and looked down at my shoes. My stomach was in such tight knots that I could barely stand with my back straight. I could still feel her lips on mine, I could still feel her fingertips running up and down my stomach. I had never felt anything like it before, I had never been so infatuated with someone like I was with Ryder.

The only down side was that I hated her. I hated the way she jumped to conclusions, I hated the way she shut me out so quickly, and I hated the way she went from being furiously angry to a kicked puppy. Her quick mood swings gave me a headache that I couldn’t shake. I hated yelling at her, I hated seeing the vein in her forehead pulse with her heartbeat, and I hated watching her beautiful eyes break every time something went wrong.

“Fuck”, I sighed as I turned back toward the door and laid my hand against it. I wanted to go back in, I wanted to ask her to let me back in, I wanted to talk to her and drill her with questions. I wanted to know why she was so angry. I wanted to know why she was so brash and headstrong.

Slapping my hand against the door, I dropped my head and then sucked in a small breath. Balling my hand into a fist, I went to knock on the door when the piece of wood flung open, and the brunette girl I had just walked out on appeared in front of me. As her eyes snapped to mine, she lifted an eyebrow in question and then pulled a cigarette out of her pack and stuck it between her lips. As she examined my face, she nodded once and rolled the cigarette between her lips.

Taking a step closer to me, she quickly shut the door to her apartment behind her, and then tore her eyes from mine and took a large step around me, and headed down the hallway. As her head bobbed on her shoulders, and her spine stayed straight from her back to her neck, I sighed and then rested my hand back on her door, feeling the pure seething hatred I had for myself creep up my spine as I listened to her footsteps head down the hallway.

Just as I was about to pound my fist onto her door, I listened as footsteps came back into my earshot. “Stop beating yourself up over nothing, Jamie.” Her voice was unusually calm, and as my name fell from her lips I felt my nerves explode in my spine. “If you’re honestly mad over walking out on a fuck-up like me when you can get a perfect girl, then you’re stupider than I thought.”

With that, she turned on her heels and disappeared from the hallway. After a few minutes when I didn’t hear her walking back to her apartment, I realized that no matter what stupid shit she yelled about, or what stupid thing she did, there was something about her that had me wrapped around her finger.

I hated her, but I wanted to be with her more than I had ever wanted to be with a girl in my life.