The Swan Who Thought She Was a Duckling

Class had been easy for Jane since she had broken down in front of Randy. She had easily avoided him after her anxiety attack and spilling almost every secret to him. She also had a three hour window where she could forget everything and just play the sport she loved.

She heard the final whistle letting the team know to gather around coach. She was the last of the team to gather around. “Good practice today. You’re all working hard for this Saturday, Jane your kicks are on point, Vinny your snaps are looking good, and Rob nice hands on those catches. Do not forget that we are having team dinner Friday right here on the field. You all need to be here usual time on Saturday for game day prep.”

They had been running Saturday practice as a game day for two weeks, but this would be their first home game. Inside she was terrified but as usual she was calm on the outside. She broke out of her anxieties about the game on Saturday when coach spoke up, “All right, bring it in, what have you got Rob?”

“Family on three. One, two, three”

“Family,” Jane mumbled before walking back to her spot in front of the field goal area. This was her routine, an extra half hour of practice after the guys left. It was her quiet time to think and be the popular one for an extra few minutes of her day.

“Can we talk a second Jane?” she botched the kick as Vinny’s voice drifted over to her. She saw his usually broad shoulders slumped forward, his head bent down, and helmet on the ground. She didn’t know what to do when the guys looked like this. Vinny usually stood tall, smile on his tan face, his brown eyes smiling, this vision of him was strange.

“What’s going on Vinny? You never look like this.” She awkwardly shifted her weight from one neon green cleat to the other.

“We want you to come out with us Saturday. Let us show you were not going to blow your cover. We just feel terrible for everything you’re going through alone. It’s not fair to you or anyone for that matter. Please Jane we’re not asking you to go out yourself to the nation, just give us a chance to hang out in public with us.”

This was something that not only scared her for the possibility of ridicule, but because this is where the girlfriends began to get catty with her. She remembered how she had been teased and even the girl who slashed her tires because her best friend on the team’s girlfriend did not like him around her at all. “Fine but don’t say anything about what I wear.” She could be girly, she had a southern mother who wouldn’t let her dress like a boy as a younger kid. None of the guys knew that because she took morning classes and left after all of the boys left from practice.

“Really?” he grabbed her up and ran into the locker room. She closed her eyes for fear of what she might see. It was completely silent in the room, which caused her to open her eyes. They were all dressed and looking at her. “She said she’d go out with us.”

They all cheered loudly and rushed toward her. The group hug made her decision seem like a good choice. “Alright, leave so I can change.” She laughed and finally felt like she was fitting in with the team. The guys started to clear out which left her standing with Vinny. She had never been left alone with one of the guys in the locker room.

“Go shower lock the door I’m going to change. I’ll wait outside and drive you back. I know you usually walk back alone.” He was being authoritative with her which was strange because she swore no one knew about her walking home at night. Her family understood why but the guys on the team wouldn’t understand at all.

She stepped into the bathroom and locked the door behind her. She set the clothes she came into the locker room with on the counter, before turning on the shower. This was more quiet time for her, it was part of the day where she could clear her head by just thinking alone. She stepped under the warm water and felt practice wash off of her. She shut the water off and began to dry off.

As she started walking to the sink where she had left her clothes she smiled at the thought of having someone drive her home instead of walking. She also feared someone finding out who gave her a ride home and figuring out her secret before she even had a chance to play her first game. She pulled her shirt over her head and her jeans up over her hips, she slipped her feet into her wedges. When she walked back into the locker room she saw Vinny sitting in his stall, “You ready to go?” she asked as she walked toward the door.

“Yeah, you know which car is mine?” he pushed himself up as Jane pushed through the door to walk out of the football complex.

“Of course, when you come in a few minutes later than everyone you begin to realize who drives what. Plus I saw you drive around on campus one weekend.” She followed him toward the Silverado that was parked right next to the door, “You got here early today didn’t you?” she laughed knowing that only those people who got to practice extremely early got good parking places.

He ducked his head and tried to hide his shame as he finally looked back at her, “Well I kind of tried to see if I was right about you walking back home every night.” She wondered how he heard that. “Ally went to hang out with her brother the other day and I’m sure you didn’t know that I live with Randy, so I overheard that you live with Ally and she complained that it wasn’t safe for you to be walking around campus so late at night.”

She could have killed Ally because it was her own fault for not telling Ally that she played football yet. But it also annoyed her because it was only a three block walk and it wasn’t extremely dark yet which meant that it was still relatively safe. “I haven’t told her I play yet which is why I walk home every night. If she saw my car she would know that I’ve been lying to her for months.” She jumped in the car and let him drive her back toward her house that she had gotten lucky enough to live in.

Vinny looked over at Jane as he drove out of the complex, “So aside from right now, the team has never seen you in girly clothes, do you dress girly or just like you are now? I mean we only have the sig party to go for.”

She laughed heartily before she turned to look at him, “Yeah I actually dress girlier than you think I do. Promise to not laugh at me?” she ducked her head again as she looked out the side window trying to see where they were at in reference to her house.

“Promise,” Vinny told her.

“My mom refused to let me play football unless I participated in pageants. My mom put me in to debutant classes and I had to learn to walk in heels and dresses, so I actually only wear sweatpants when I come into early morning practices. You all don’t see me early in the morning to see when I’m girly either. I take morning classes”

Vinny scoffed at her, “So that’s why none of us ever see you?” She knew one day the team would feel like she didn’t like them or that she thought that they weren’t worth her time.

“It is, I can’t focus in the afternoon which is why all my classes are early. Thanks for not telling anyone my secret yet I really appreciate it. I promise after this weekend I’ll consider telling people or going out with you all more. I hope tomorrow’s dinner is really good.” She told him as she jumped out of the truck and walked up toward her front door.

Before she could even get the key in the lock Ally had the door open. She narrowed her eyes at Jane which made Jane feel as though she were about to be scolded by her mother. “Well now I know why you walk home, didn’t want me to know you were with the guy I’m crushing on.”

I looked up at her and then back at Vinny waiting on me to walk inside. “Are you kidding me? Oh dear god Ally, we need to talk right now. Let’s go inside and talk.” She pushed Ally inside and turned back to look at Vinny, “Thanks for the ride.” She shouted back at him.

As soon as she pushed Ally in their room and locked the door, “What I’m about to tell you does not leave this room got it?” She had a stern tone in her voice as Ally moved to sit on the bed.

“I promise, dear god what could be that serious that you don’t want anyone else to hear?

Jane huffed as she pulled off her wedges and sat on her bed. Her mom had walked her through different ways to address the issue after having her secret blown in high school. She began running those through her head as she tried to figure out how to have this conversation with Ally.
What made this hard was that none of the situational conversations her mother suggested seemed to work. It also didn’t help that Ally was a cheerleader for the school and she might notice at a game “I’m on the football team Ally. I’ve played since I was in middle school. The reason why I don’t look like I play is because my mom only allowed me to continue to play if I participated in pageants and dressed like a girl.”

Ally stood up from her bed and huffed before sitting herself back down on the bed. Her face had a look of confusion but her eyes held anger. She looked different than she did on any other day. This began to scare Jane because she hadn’t yelled or said anything to her yet. Jane looked back down at her feet and waited patiently. “I’m sorry Jane. I just don’t know why you didn’t tell me this? I mean don’t you trust me?”

This was what always happened to her. Her friends began to think that she did not trust them or that she did not want to tell them. It was never the case for her because she had always wanted to have a friend she could confide in but they usually got jealous of her relationship with their boyfriends or brothers. She thought that maybe Ally would understand. “I’ve never told my friends because they always thought that I was secretly dating their boyfriend or brother, they judge me harshly and I’d much rather not experience that because it’s too much for me to deal with loosing someone I’ve gotten so close to.” Jane’s tears are genuine as they flowed down her low cheekbones.

Ally jumped right off the bed and ran right at Jane. She engulfed her in the tightest hug she had ever received in her life. The hug from Ally just reinforced their trust and friendship that had grown significantly throughout the past two weeks. “Jane if you ever dated my brother I’d be more surprised that he could actually get a girlfriend and keep her. If you messed with my interest I would tell you and make sure you knew what was going on so you didn’t try to put on the moves on my guy.”

Their laughter filled the large room as they both realized they were worried for no apparent reason. Their friendship had been saved by just talking to one another. Jane continued to laugh as she hugged Ally tightly. “I’m sorry I worried you. Are we okay now?”

Ally nodded her head taking a step back toward the lofted bed in the corner of the room. “So what can you tell me about Vinny?”

“You don’t even want to know what I’ve heard about him. I seriously doubt my friendship with them would be beneficial for a relationship.” She pulled off her jeans while moving around her floor to try and find her pair of shorts that she had pulled off in a hurry this morning. “Damn it, where did I throw those shorts this morning.” She mumbled as she threw clothes across the room in search of that one pair of shorts. She found her shorts and her t-shirt and completely changed out of her clothes and into her pajamas.

Jane tried to avoid any of the words coming out of Ally’s mouth because she was talking about Vinny and how cute he was as well as how badly she wanted to date him. She pulled her blankets off her bed trying to remake her bed before she sat down on top of the covers. She draped her two blankets over the whole bed and climbing into the bed she had just made.

She grabbed her phone off the floor and turned the TV on quietly as a reward for finishing all of her work earlier in the day. “Are you going to watch TV with me tonight?” she asked as Ally moved out of the room and into the living room. “Guess not” as she laid back down on her bed with her remote in her hand her screen lit up. She wondered who in gods good name was texting her.

Hi Jane, I know that we haven’t talked in a few weeks but I hope I didn’t make you uncomfortable when you stayed with me. If I did I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Vinny said you had to tell my sister. I’m sorry about that too.

She knew it was from Randy even though she knew she didn’t have his phone number. Vinny must have given it to him. She would have to remember to kick his ass tomorrow at team dinner. She hated when people began to worry, she tried to stay stuck in the background for a reason. She hated the spot light as well as hating the questions that came with it. No one really cared unless they were getting something out of it themselves. She decided that he deserved a response seeing as how she knew that she was going out with Vinny Saturday night than she would inevitably see Randy.

Sorry Randy, the only way I know how to react to those situations is pulling away. It saves me from the disappointment I invoke in the people I meet. Don’t worry about your sister, I should have told her when I moved in. Tell Vinny to keep his mouth shut too I’ll take care of him tomorrow.

She laid her phone back on the bed and flipped the TV to MTV for some mindless TV. She had just gotten drawn into the petty drama of a rerun when she felt her phone vibrate the mattress.

Don’t get too mad at Vinny, he was afraid he screwed it up with my sister. He really likes her.

She had a hard time keeping things separated because of her high school experience. She only wanted to be accepted and found that usually that did not happen. She sighed as she tried to come up with a response that didn’t sound as if she were angry with Randy, it wasn’t his fault that he had to keep her secret too. He shouldn’t have stuck his nose in my business, but I’m not mad at you I promise. She quickly pressed send before her emotions took over and forced her to apologize to Randy for being rude to him when he had been nothing but nice to her.

She pulled the blankets from the foot of the bed and pulled them up around her body. The warmth started to seep into her body as she began to feel herself relax. This was exactly what she needed, her warm bed with no one around to tell her about the things she should be doing or shouldn’t be doing.

It always seemed hard to her to tell the guys not to meddle in her business but she understood why they did it. She only wished that they understand that their meddling could eventually cross into the more than a teammate territory, which was far from where Jane wanted to be with most of them. She had fought extremely hard to keep a safe distance from all of her teammates because she had an unsettling fear of falling for one of them or one of them falling for her.

Her head snapped up from her pillow when she saw Ally walk into the room from the living room. She really hoped that Randy hadn’t told Ally about staying with him that weekend. If she found out that could jeopardize her relationship with her which would be tragic because she had her first friend who knew her secret and still cared about her. Ally climbed into her bed while looking over her shoulder at Jane, “you know Randy really likes you right? He hasn’t said much but I can tell that he really has some serious feelings for you.”

Jane laughed at the absurdity of that statement how could a guy like him like a girl like her? There was no way that he actually did care for her. She rolled over and faced the wall looking down at her phone seeing a text from Randy on the screen. Hope your week goes well and maybe I’ll see you after the game. This had gotten serious faster than she had wanted it to or even thought it would get.

Most guys ran when they found out about her playing football, he hadn’t even batted an eye. But that wasn’t the only thing that worried her, it was that he was going to be at the game on Saturday. What if he yelled out her name instead of her brother’s? She began to worry about what she had done by telling him who she was. She even felt slightly sick to her stomach because she knew that he was going to get attached to her in some way and she wasn’t going to be able to give it back because there was no way she was ever going to give up her helmet and pads in order to have a boyfriend for the first time.

She had many casual friends in high school, she had one guy over the summer who tried to keep their friendship tied to friends with benefits instead of asking her to date him. That had shattered her heart but in the end she knew that it was best for her to not get attached to him. She had known he was an asshole from the beginning but had tried to overlook his douchebagery because he made her feel as if she mattered in the world. He made her feel as if she wasn’t some football jock, which made her feel normal.

It turned out his girlfriend didn’t know about her, as well as he won 500 dollars among all of the bets that the other school jocks had put on if he could make it happen. She felt hurt when she found out about the bet between the other teams. She closed her eyes tight hoping the tears didn’t fall that night because if they did she wasn’t sure she’d be able to stop them because everything was starting to crumble too quickly.