The Swan Who Thought She Was a Duckling

The stadium looked like a ghost town, she waited to see a tumbleweed blow through the stadium before the rest of the team arrived. She had been the first one in the stadium on their practice game days and knew that she would be the first to arrive today as well. Athletes were creatures of habit. No one would go out of their routine if they could help it. She wondered what road trips would be like, if she could still be the first to arrive or if she would have to do her warm ups outside of the hotel.

She lost herself in her thoughts, the one advantage to being the first one at the field aside from coaches. She could lose herself in the silence, warm up alone and without the confining helmet, and she could usually see her dad before a game because he arrived so early. She hoped she could see him today. It was going to be the most serious time of her life because it was her first big game.

“Who would have known my baby girl would be playing on the same field as me.” She turned quickly to see her dad standing at the fifty yard line. Her face lit up at the sound of his voice, but showed even more happiness when she finally saw her dad. “Well you going to just stand there or give your old man a hug?”

Her legs began pumping quickly as she sprinted at him, wrapping her arms around his neck as she jumped into his arms. “Who would have thought I’d be the one kid to play on this field and not one of the boys daddy.” This one sport had allowed her and her father to grow closer together unlike her brothers who chose other sports that her father hadn’t played. Her love and passion for football had given her more time to spend with her dad, which she was thankful for because many of her friends had dead beat dads, or fathers who didn’t have the time like hers did. “Where’s mama?” she quickly asked looking more excited than she had on move in day.

He frowned a bit before laughing with her. They shared a knowing look because they both knew better that her mother never came as early as her dad did. They rented two cars whenever they flew out for games, or they drove two cars. Her father enjoyed watching her warm up and making sure everything went according to play while her mother loved watching her it wasn’t as interesting to sit and watch warm ups. “How’s the team looking kid? Did you get your new tinted visor I sent you?”

This is where she got nervous because she never had to deal with a camera following her every move when she played before. She still wasn’t sure if the visor would cover her face enough to keep her identity a secret. “Yeah, it’s on my helmet, but the guys keep pestering me about announcing it after today.” She felt defeated. These guys had become her second family, she didn’t know how to approach something she had run from her whole life without looking back at it.

“Baby girl, I’ve told you your whole life, you don’t have to hide. We love you, clearly your teammates care for you and will protect you, and the coaches respect you even if you aren’t a guy. In the end only you can decide to quit hiding under that helmet. You’re good enough for anything baby.” He kissed her forehead and walked back toward the tunnel where Vinny was walking out.

Today was either going to be a really great game or it was going to turn out terrible. Sure, everyone on the team wanted the win but she was more worried about if people could tell she wasn’t a guy. She needed another opinion on if she should just take the visor off of her helmet or wait it out and see what people say about her. Maybe Vinny could help her, but he might not be as helpful as she wanted him to be.

“Your dad said you’re thinking about taking the helmet off. Tell me what’s got you second guessing yourself.” He had figured out that she was beginning to scare herself with the choices she had to make.

She signed and looked up at him, he stood a good foot and a half taller than her which could be intimidating to most girls, but she had spent too much time around these types of guys to learn that they were all just big softies. If he was willing to ask she should be willing to answer his questions. “I’m just scared. I mean how am I supposed to hide this?” She pointed to the makeup covering her eyes and cheek bones before pointing to the curly brown hair that looked as if she was ready to go out to a party at any given moment. “Everyone will know I look like a super model trying to be cute in her boyfriend’s football gear.”

Vinny doubled over laughing at her words, it just seemed out of the ordinary to him that someone as confident in practice as her was nervous about people finding out that she could compete at the same level as boys. She competed stronger than boys who had dreamed of playing college football since they were only five years old. “Dear God you worry too much. Live your life, we’ve got your back and will always stand behind you I promise.”

She looked back up at him and felt the shame coming up in her cheeks. The guys loved that many of the people on campus knew who they were and that they played football, but no one knew who she was in the slightest. “I don’t want to be known around campus. That’s my biggest fear, I’m going to tell people who I am and then they are going to treat me different.”

Vinny looked back down at her and knew that this needed to be talked out now or she was going to throw the game away because she couldn’t focus in on the things that mattered most. “Alright kid sit down and start talking to me about your worries.” He sat down on the turf to lure her to sit down on the ground.

“I want to be unknown. I want to be liked by a guy because he thinks I’m pretty, I don’t want to end up on the end of a bet ever again. I’m afraid that girls will hate me or use me to get to all of you. I’m not sure that I can handle going through what I went through in high school again. But I feel that people will be more upset that I did not start the season honestly telling them that I am a woman not a man.” She finally looked up to see Vinny’s eyes a bit wider.

He wrapped his arms around her small body easily, “I had no idea, none of us knew just how hard it was for you. I don’t care if you tell the whole world who you are today or if you wait until the season is over, regardless we will all be here for you.”

She could honestly believe the words coming from Vinny because they didn’t sound fake. He also sounded sorry for pushing as hard as he had to get her to unmask herself to the college and show the world that a woman could survive in this world.

Vinny stood up and patted her shoulder before walking off of the field and back toward the locker room. Jane sat on the bench and looked out at the empty arena. Regardless of how many times she would go through this exact routine nothing would ever be the same. Her gaze raked over every aspect of the arena that she would need to know by game time. She knew just how much the wind was blowing and in which direction too.

With one last sigh she pushed off the bench and walked toward the tunnel where many of the players were beginning to walk out of. She needed to put the pads on and start her disguise. The hardest aspect of putting on her uniform was hiding the feminine aspects of her body. She pulled the door shut to the locker room and locked the door as she began the drawn out process.

The crowd was roaring, people standing everywhere. This is what every athlete lived for, a chance to play in front of more than your parents and friends. She still had her visor on her helmet, but realized five minutes before the game she still had her nail polish on. “Shit, I’m screwed. If they see my nails they’ll know.” She had gotten away with it in high school because the parents couldn’t notice from so far away.

“Calm down kid, the only ones who will see are the other team and I think they already know you’re a girl.” Rob said coming up beside her. Her eyes had grown the size of saucers at his words. “You forgot to take off your lip gloss, you kind of sparkle.”

She laughed quietly as her fears began to fade. Her dad was right her team would protect her in the long run. She decided if today went well she would slowly start to tell the school and the fans. “Come on, let’s go huddle up we’re almost at start time.”

The pair ran off to the large huddle on their half of the fifty yard line. This was when many of the players would remove their helmets, but her team kept them on as to not draw attention to Jane. She was thankful for that because she didn’t have the courage to be singled out from the rest of the team.

“Alright boys, let’s get out there and take the win. It’s our house, show ‘em what we can do!” their cheers sounded like battle cries. This is the exact moment they had been waiting for. Each player had worked hard for the past six weeks to get to the first game and to a point where they would win.

The team retreated into the tunnel to prepare themselves for the game in the last ten minutes before start time. The tunnel was the last place of sanctity for Jane, the last place where she could be who she was without worry of not looking like a guy or acting like one of her teammates. She had picked up the walk of a football player, but hated walking like that because she felt as if she were walking with something shoved up her ass.

Music filled the tunnel, surging through their bodies, giving a warning of how much longer the players had until they could rush out onto the field. As the announcer’s voice began to boom through the stadium and tunnels Jane moved to the front of the line. Her place was between Vinny and Rob, the two guys who had become her best friends. They started jumping around in the tunnel before hearing their cue to run out on the field.

As the team ran out onto the field they formed a huddle without their coach. Jane moved into the middle of the huddle, “Look I have faith in all of you, let’s go balls to the walls and not let them into this game. I’m going to do my job are you going to do yours? No mercy, wins only.”

The team quickly rushed toward Jane where they broke it down and waited to find out if they would kick or receive. This was the most terrifying aspect for Jane. This would confirm if she deserved to be on this field or if the coaches only did it because she was a girl. She had to be honest with the coaches all through her recruiting process, they knew from day one that she was a girl.

The ref stepped out of the captain’s circle with authority. “The Bulldogs won the toss, they choose to receive.” She nodded her head as she walked onto the field with the confidence that had been instilled in her since she was a child. Her teammates followed behind her closely with a look that would scare most people off.

She could see the faces of the guys in the front line and ran through their scouting reports to remember what their tendencies were. She took her three steps back. Her eyes scanned over the second line of guys that hid behind the front line, not seeing a single guy who scared her. She could tackle them all if she absolutely had to. She took a step to her left as she looked at the first receiver, he was going to be easy. Step two to the left led her to receiver number two, he wouldn’t be able to run this back. She raised her hand in the air, ran toward the ball, and took a deep breath as she felt her foot connect with the ball.

Feet were pounding to tackle the receiver. Her eyes followed the ball that had been spinning in the air as it landed right into the hands of the receiver. She needed a low yard gain in order to feel that she had a successful kick off. She watched him take two steps before Jeff wrapped his arms around his body and pushed him toward the ground. He landed on the five yard line. Jane felt the relief was over her as she ran to the sideline with satisfaction. The special teams coach was waiting right on the sidelines with a high five for her. She smiled before standing right between the two guys on the defensive team that protected her when Vinny and Rob weren’t around.

Nerves settled as the offensive team moved further up the field. She watched when she wasn’t on the field and did her job when she was on the field. No one could say they were happier to walk away with a win than Jane, she had proved herself to not only her team but to the people in the stands who might have doubted her.

The team ran back into the tunnel where they cheered and started causing a ruckus. She listened intently as Coach congratulated the team as a whole as well as the individuals who had succeeded. She was allowed to shower first with the door locked while coach talked to the team. She had changed and repositioned her hair that had stayed curled through the whole game. As she was walking back into the locker room she heard coach talking and stopped.

“The other team questioned Jane’s eligibility. All of the other coaches do not find out until the day before we play them that Jane is in fact a woman, because we don’t want them to forfeit. They wanted to say she did not go through the technical process. I wanted to give you all a heads up because she is ours, she is one of us, and damn she’s a better kicker than half of the guys in our conference.” She smiled at the kind words of her coach.

“Don’t baby her guys, she just wants to be one of us while keeping her identity secret among campus. She doesn’t want to have the status that we have off the field.” She paused as she heard Vinny’s words explaining to the team what she had explained to him earlier that day. “When she’s ready to take off the helmet she’ll take it off.”

Jane stepped into the locker room and saw the guys all with sobering looks covering their faces. “Guys I’m a big girl, I’ll be able to handle it. I somehow made it through high school when everyone found out I’ll make it here. I know what I’m capable of and won’t let you down.”

Many of the guys nodded before walking toward the back of the locker room. Vinny walked up to her with a questioning glace, “Will you and Ally be coming over tonight still?”

Laughter floated around the pair as Jane let herself go. “Yes Vinny. I told you I was coming, why would I break my promise?”

“Because of keeping your identity safe. We heard the things the other teams said and we didn’t like that at all”

“Vinny, I’m a big girl. I’m sure I can handle whatever is thrown at me.” She patted his shoulder before turning toward the door. “I’ll see you later.” She pushed the door open and found her parents waiting outside.

Her parents and brother looked thrilled at her appearance through the door. It meant so much to have her family there with her. “Baby girl, mama is so proud of you. I swore you would quit wearing the clothes I bought you after you started college.”

She laughed at her mom as she fixed her shirt, “It gives me a way to express myself mama. Plus hanging around a bunch of oafs makes me not want to look like them.”

Everyone chuckled a little at her before walking out of the stadium to the truck that was parked right outside of the back doors. Everyone began to pile into the truck fitting in tightly. Her dad pulled out of the parking lot driving toward the house she was living in. She knew her father would drive back and drop her mother off to drive back to the hotel.

The short ride ended and her father got out of the truck with her and walked toward the door. They both walked slowly trying to prolong the time they got to spend together, because they both knew this was going to be the easiest week of the season. It was well known that once one team knew she was a girl everyone else was going to quickly tell the rest of the conference which meant the comments would get worse as well as keeping her identity a secret.

“Whenever you tell the world we’ll always be here. But don’t forget to try to join mama’s sorority she really would love to have some sort of link between you two. She feels like we have a lot closer of a bond than you and her because we always had our sport and she forced pageants on you.” He wrapped his arms tightly around her. She tried to soak up the comfort that he gave her when he told her that she mattered or she could do anything. “Don’t worry about what’s right and what’s not right you’ll make the right decision.”

She squeezed her dad tight around the stomach as he kissed the side of her head before letting go. “Bye daddy, stay safe driving home.” She turned and walked through the front door with a look of fear. Everything had built itself up greatly in the past year getting to this point but she was terrified that everything might crumble after one game.

Her bedroom door was already unlocked as she pushed it open and walked into a smiling Ally. “Awesome game Jane. The whole squad was amazed at some of your kicks.” Ally was sprawled on the bed clad in her underwear and curlers in her hair. “Are you still going to go over to Randy and Vinny’s?” she questioned looking over the magazine in her hand.

She nodded her head as she walked into the closet. “I promised the guys I would go. Hey, do you know when recruitment is?” As much as she hated the idea of conforming to society and doing what her mother absolutely wanted. This whole idea of a sorority seemed silly and awkward to her because it was a bunch of girls trying to conform to each other’s ideals of society.
But she knew that she had to at least make an effort for her mom, it was the least she could do after kicking a ball for years. She was a legacy and her mom had the best time in the world, but her mom also didn’t have to hide that fact that she was a part of the school’s football team. How would the girls like that?

“You’re going to go through recruitment? I swore up and down that you weren’t going to do that. But it starts next week, all of the girls are going to be at the party tonight too.” She jumped off the bed and ran toward the closet to see Jane, “Are you going to tell them about playing football?”

“God no, I want to be normal. I want a chance at a simple college experience that everyone else gets to experience. I don’t want ridicule in my life. Now if you could shush I’m trying to do my hair and get ready to leave for your brothers otherwise the team will hate me when I don’t show up.” She pushed Ally out of the closet looking at all of the clothing lining the walls.

She looked at the many pairs of shorts hanging at the bottom of her closet deciding that going with a pair of shorts with the crisp cool night air wasn’t a good idea. She glanced at the rows of pants and decided that it was still too warm for that kind of attire yet. She did a once over of the row of dresses thinking that it might be a better idea to wear a dress than to wear pants.

“What do you think about a dress Ally?” she mumbled as she thumbed a blue dress then a green dress. She looked at her row of shoes and found her boots under her shorts, pulling them out from under her shorts to think about a whole outfit. She could easily wear her green dress with her boots and a white scarf. “Never mind Ally I don’t care.”

As she pulled her clothes out of the closet she grabbed her curling iron off the hook in addition to her make up bag. She sat at the shared vanity before plugging in the curling iron and setting out to start her make up.