The Swan Who Thought She Was a Duckling

“Will you text my brother so he’ll quit asking me if you’re coming over. I think he’s more than infatuated with you dear.” She tossed Jane’s phone on the vanity before walking into the closet and disappearing. “If you’re not serious about him you better tell him.” She hollered from somewhere deep in the depths of the closet.

Jane looked down at her phone with a small sense of panic. She didn’t know if she could handle a serious boyfriend now. She pulled her phone closer and looked down at it Hey Randy, I’ll see you and the guys later. Quit pestering your sister. She painted her make up on her eyes and set the curling iron in her hair to add big loose curls.

She looked in the mirror and wondered how the night would turn out, would she see Jake, would Randy try and hassle her all night. She just needed a night with the boys away from the reality that she was going to try and go Greek for her mother and possibly reveal the fact that she was the only woman on the football team.

She looked back down at her phone and tried to figure out what was going to happen in her life when her really good friend from high school texted her. Saw the game today you did good, loved the kick off tackle in the third. She smiled, Jamie was the one guy who had stood by her side, maybe it was because they both shared the knowledge of hiding who you really were.

Before she even got a chance to reply to him her phone lit up and started playing her ringtone. “Hello boobear!” she continued to curl the left side of her hair with the phone tucked between her ear and shoulder.

“How do you feel you did in the game?”

“Not as good as I could have done. I think I was really scared about the jumbotron catching my face and revealing who I am or the fact I had hot pink nail polish on my nails. Jamie how did I get so careless?”

He laughed at her, which made her a little angry that he thought this was a joke to her. “You got careless right before the city found out here. You knew we loved you no matter what and would protect you against anyone. I bet the guys there took you in about two days after they found out you weren’t really a guy.” He was right she had gotten careless toward the end of her time in high school. “Plus, is it really so bad that people know who you are?”

“You’re such a hypocrite Jamie! Have you told your new team who you are?” she got a little snappy with him before realizing what she said. “I’m sorry Jamie our secrets are totally different. I guess I’m just scared that the people here would treat me like the people in High School did. Not to mention Mama is making me go through recruitment for her sorority. She thinks that I’ll like it or something, I’m not sure I will.”

“Jane, don’t you hate being judged by the women that are dating your football brothers? Don’t be so quick to judge those people that you don’t know either.” Another deep voice was making comments in the background, she wondered if that was his new boyfriend that he wouldn’t tell her about.

She listened more to the man in the background than what Jamie was saying at this point. “Wait, Jamie is that your new boyfriend?”

A deep laugh sounded and then another deep laugh. Now she felt mocked and worried that she had outed Jamie. “No babe he’s not but the other one that you haven’t heard talk yet is. These are the only two guys on the team that know right now.”

She felt happy for him because he had finally found someone that made him happy in his life, even if it was, “your teammate?” she squealed as her voice rose three more octaves.

The deep laughter filled her ear again as she nearly burned her ear with the curling iron. From dropping her phone on the vanity. She picked it back up quickly enough to hear Jamie’s voice. “Uh, well yeah I didn’t know he was. We met two weeks before practice started. I’m sure I mentioned I’m living off campus.” She mmhmmed as she undid the curling iron from her hair and switched the phone to her other shoulder to curl the other side of her hair. “Well as I was moving in I realized my Mama forgot to get the groceries out of her car. Went to the grocery and literally ran into him. We started to text and next thing I knew he stayed and we started dating.”

She felt the pang of jealousy run through her body at the cute story of a guy who deserved a guy like that. “I’m happy you finally found someone. Will I get to meet him after we play you?”

“If you want to yeah. But seriously it’s only him, my road trip buddy and you who know about me. I’ve got to get back on the bus, but I love you baby. Do well and trust your team, they will look out for you like I did back in the day.”

As the line went dead she felt all the fears she had suppressed through the afternoon with her parents and his phone call come rising back up to the surface. It saddened her to realize that the one and only guy who told her he loved her was a gay man. How had she gone three years in high school without one guy telling her a white lie that he loved her. She started to worry that she would never find a guy in college because she tried to hide so much.

She thought everything over until she got to the last curl in her hair. She looked up into the mirror to find her hair looking extremely large. She tried to flip her hair to make it look less like it had its own zip code and more like the loose curls she wanted curl. She slipped the green dress over her curls and smoothed the wrinkles out of the dress. Her fingers quickly worked the scarf around her neck twice in some intricate knot her mother had taught her as a kid. She pulled her boots over her feet and looked in the mirror to see herself.

She couldn’t believe how different she looked now than in high school. She had been afraid to look cute like this in high school because it would make her stick out. Sure she dressed cute per the request of her mother, but she usually kept to plainer outfits that did nothing for her figure, which had begun to fill out over the past few months from the lanky girl into a curvy fit girl from all of the lifting and running she had begun doing with the team.

She glanced over at the clock to see that it said it was almost ten, meaning they really needed to get over to Randy’s. She looked around the room to see where Ally was getting ready before she stalked into the closet to find Ally in two different shoes. This was usually when she couldn’t decide on what looked better and Jane felt as if she wasn’t any help in deciding. “Pick a shoe and let’s go because it’s almost ten and you know you want to get to the fraternity house by at least midnight.”

Ally snapped her head up and glared at Jane. She hated being rushed and Jane knew it. She took off the shoe on her right foot and found its mate somewhere in the floor and stood back up. She walked toward Jane with a sly look on her face, “we’re a bit eager this evening aren’t we?”

Jane shook her head walking out of the closet, swiping her keys off of the hook by the door. Tonight she wouldn’t be drinking, she had too much at stake. She couldn’t blow her cover tonight at any cost. She needed to stay up on her guard. The pair walked out the front door towards Jane’s lifted Chevy sitting on the street.

“Ally, no one knows. The guys and I are just friends, we met through my brother okay? I don’t want any different stories construing themselves because I’m not sure I can handle the whole school knowing until I know how I want my college career to go.” She realized she sounded extremely harsh, which made her cringe at the thought that she was more worried about herself than her friend. “I’m sorry that I sounded harsh, I’ve just never had to deal with having a friend who has known early on in my athletic life. It’s a learning curve for me I promise.”

Ally nodded her head as she jumped in the passenger seat and pulled the seatbelt across her chest. “It’s okay Jane, the only thing I want is for you to set my brother straight. If you like him tell him, if you don’t tell him because I’m worried he’ll think it means something more.”

“I will, I promise.” She mumbled while driving down the few blocks to Randy’s house. When she pulled up along the side of the street Vinny came bustling down the sidewalk toward the passenger door.

“Hey Jane. Come on Ally we’re going to go clear the air between us. Make sure you know what’s up.” He pulled her toward him and started walking hand in hand. She climbed out of the truck and shut the door before looking at the backs of Ally and Vinny.

She was left standing alone in front of her truck. This seemed to always be how things went with her anymore, “going in alone, great” she mumbled before throwing her keys down her boot.

“No you aren’t. So my sister said we need to talk,” Randy popped up out of nowhere. That terrified Jane for a moment as he allowed her a second to catch her breath.

“Yeah, uh” she paused looking at her boots. If she didn’t do this now she wouldn’t ever do it and she knew that. “Randy why are you so worried about me? I told you my secret because I thought you wouldn’t act like this. Your sister seems to think that you like me. I’m not dating nor am I interested right now.”

He looked up at her meeting her eyes before he burst out laughing. “I am so sorry. I was being a clinger because I thought I was the only person you could talk to. I am seriously so sorry that I made it seem like I was interested in you. Let’s just go inside, erase the past few weeks of me being a stage nine clinger, alright?” She saw a different look come across his eyes and wondered if what he was saying was true or if he was saying what he was saying because she had so rudely, and not eloquently told him that she wasn’t interested.

The house had some country music blaring through the rooms as she walked in. Randy walked in first and tried to lead her to the kitchen. “You drinking tonight?” he asked as he stuck his head into the fridge looking as if he was digging for something.

“Uh actually I’m staying sober since I’m supposed to be hanging out with the boys tonight.” She looked down at her boots and realized that Rob or someone else would have to look out for her because she knew that Vinny was going to be caught up in Ally all night.

Randy stood and pulled out a Dr. Pepper, her favorite carbonated drink ever. “I’ve got this if you want. I figured you wouldn’t want to drink when Ally told me you were going to go out with the team.”

She smiled and thanked him before she wrapped her hand around the carbonated drink and walked out of the kitchen. The house looked packed as she pushed her body into the living room. She felt a pair of hands on her waist to see one of the football guys. She laughed a little at him as he tried to dance with her, “Hey Jane, dance with me for a bit.” She laughed and danced along with him figuring it wasn’t that big of a deal if it would make the time at Randy’s house pass faster.

She laughed a little as he danced terribly and felt someone walk up behind her and start dancing. Panic began to settle in her chest as she tried to figure out who was behind her. She turned her head to see a guy she didn’t know trying to dance with her which scared her. She stepped closer to her teammate and leaned into his face, “I’m going to find Ally.” She pushed herself away from the guys quickly before stepping outside.

The crisp air hit her in the face as she waited to hear if Vinny and Ally had moved inside since their arrival. When she didn’t hear any one talking in the back yard, allowing her the courage to walk further into the yard. The quiet gave her comfort, only the comfort that came from complete solitude.

She looked at the party going on inside and wondered why she didn’t enjoy these types of things more. It always felt like she never fit in. She always saw his eyes, those crisp blue eyes haunted her, felt his hands groping her in ways she didn’t want to feel. She wrapped her arms around her body trying to forget for a moment. Anything to forget him. She looked up to see Jack standing in front of her.

“Well hello there, never thought I’d see you again after the sig party.” He moved to sit down on the wooden bench beside her. She scooted further toward the edge to let him sit down beside her.

“Never thought I’d see you again either.” She mumbled while looking down at her boots. This was beyond awkward, she had no idea why she should have seen him anywhere but at the sig house anyways. “Should I assume that you’re a sig since you lived upstairs at the sig house?” she was new to this whole fraternity and Greek life bull shit that her mother loved so much.

He laughed and leaned his head toward her looking at her sideways, “Yes, you don’t know much about the Greek system do you?”

It was her turn to laugh at him. She liked sports, they have rules, and if you don’t follow said rules you are punished. Rules tell you how you need to play the game, why can’t life have more concrete rules. Maybe telling people how they should act in a social situation would make it easy for everything to run smoothly. She hated small talk she wasn’t good at it when it came to guys, she could talk about stats for days.

“Sorry I don’t know much about the Greek system. I wasn’t extremely close to my mom growing up. I spent a lot of time with my dad, maybe I should have asked my mama more about it since she was Greek and wants me to be too.” She pushed herself up off the bench and turned around to face him. “I’m going to go inside find my roommate and pretend I didn’t royally embarrass myself.” She started walking toward the sliding glass door that separated her from the rest of the party.

“Maybe next time it won’t take you nearly two weeks to find me again.” She barely heard him as she opened the sliding door, but it was loud enough that she snapped her head around to see if what he was saying wasn’t just a figment of her imagination. She saw him staring straight at her with his hands propped on his knees and a smirk on his face.

The cold chill ran up and down her spine so quickly that she moved into the house and straight into Randy’s chest. “Why do I not feel comfortable around Jack at all?” She looked up into Randy’s eyes to find him confused. “Can we go inside, away from him?”

Randy nodded his head and grabbed her hand. He walked through the house and wove way back into the far corner of the house. He pushed the door open to a small office with bookcases against one wall and a desk along the other. “What happened Jane?” she turned around to find him with his hands on his waist, in a defensive stance.

She leaned against the desk and looked back at him with a look across her face that said she didn’t know what to say. She had always struggled with putting these situations into words. “He spilled his drink on me back at the last party I went to, tonight he came up like he was interested in me or something and complained about not seeing me for two weeks. I don’t know if he was saying that in a creepy way or not I just, I, I have a ter-terrible t-t-track record with guys.” Her eyes started to burn as she knew tears wanted to fall as the ice blue eyes flashed in her mind again. She sucked in a deep breath before she looked back up at Randy who had taken a few steps closer toward her.

“Did he hurt you Jane?” he looked even more serious than when they had begun this conversation.

She looked down at her boots then back up at him, “No he didn’t h-hurt me or t-touch me. I just, well I just don’t have the best time with conversing. I can talk circles around statistics and sports but dear God, set a boy in front of me I can’t tell if he’s flirting, trying to get in my pants, or just be friendly. It’s kind of a problem so I think I’m just panicking for no apparent reason.” She walked to the window to see a bunch of people walking outside.

“Well do you still want to go out with your teammates? ‘Cause you can just go home, I’m sure they would understand. Have you told them why you have this issue?” He could spot right through her bull shit and that scared her because she had never told anyone aside from her father after it happened. She knew her mama would judge her and her daddy would rationalize the situation.

She shook her head no and looked down at the ground before she met his gaze again. “No, my daddy is the only one who knows and I think for now it’s better if I just keep it that way. It’s my cross to bear and I’ll make do with it.” She pushed past him a little infuriated about it at this point because he was trying to tell her to be a coward, the one thing her father told her to never become.

She pulled out her phone and keys as she walked out of his room, through the crowded house, and out the front door. She jumped up into the driver’s seat and locked the doors before she dialed her daddy’s number. As she rested her head on the steering wheel she waited for her dad to pick up.

“Baby girl what’s wrong?” she nearly cried at hearing his voice this late at night she knew it must be terrifying for him to know that his baby girl could be calling about the same circumstance that happened before.