The Adventures of Mary Sue

"Help! Help! Someone save me!" Her shrieks echoed through the dark hallway. She was perfectly helpless and needed saving.

By her, I mean Mary Sue. Mary Sue was what every guy wanted. She was perfect, inhumanly so even. I suppose I should explain more. We all know, when it comes to perfect women, there's a long list of standards and expectations. Mary Sue managed to live each one.

Mary Sue was, and this was probably the second most important quality about her, after her body, beautiful. She had beautiful eyes, beautiful lips, perfect skin, a perfect nose, everything perfect and beautiful really. We all know the expectation from women is to look exactly like the girls from magazines. Who cares if they don't exist anywhere else but magazines?!

Mary Sue didn't wear makeup, I mean guys like girls that are natural. Girls should naturally look like girls from magazines. I mean, it's not like they use photoshop or something. Mary Sue didn't focus on her appearance, because come on, she can't be shallow. She has to look perfect but she can't try.

Mary Sue had the perfect body. She had the body of an eleven year old girl, apart from humongous gravity defying boobs and a perfectly round butt. She obviously had a thigh gap and a thin waist. I mean, why would you date a girl who has fat?! She wasn't too tall or too short. She wasn't too muscular or too bony or too thin.

Of course, she never had a salad when you went out, I mean come on, that's for girls who diet. Clearly girls only eat salad when they diet so they'll better for you. She ate all the fatty food with you, only she let you eat as much as you wanted from her plate.

Mary Sue was entertaining, playful, not too easy or too hard to get. She was cute but also sexy. She could cook, sing, play sports (not enough to make your precious masculinity feel threatened) , play video games (of course, you were better than her), happily make you a sandwich, be independent (but still be cute and needy), feed and serve all your friends, be nerdy (not too much, nerdy chicks are ugly and come on, only boys can be true fans), and be girly (not shallow though, or a slut).

Mary Sue was positive always, I mean, heaven forbid you'd have to deal with all her stupid girl problems. A girlfriend exists to help you through your problems, not the other way around. What a downer a girlfriend with depression or something would be for you.

Of course, there wasn't a bit of hair on her, apart from her perfect non drawn eyebrows and perfect natural and always flawless hair. There wasn't a blemish on her skin.

She was herself, of course, boys don't like girls who fake their personality and looks. She had to be what boys wanted and expected but she was herself and never ever disagreed with boys. Boys liking her was what made Mary Sue's life worth anything and their opinions ruled her world.

Everything bad that happened to Mary Sue was clearly her fault. The catcalls that followed her whenever she left the house, the rude remarks that surrounded her, the people who forgot where her face was. It was all her fault.

The current predicament was no different. It was obviously her fault. I mean, look at what she's wearing, or how she dared to walk outside at night, or the way she said good evening. It can't possibly be the fault of whoever hurt her, heaven forbid, they'd have to own up to their actions.

Mary Sue could not do anything else but call for help. Fighting back wasn't ladylike and Mary Sue was the perfect lady.

The plot is obvious now. The audience all knows what's going to happen. This is no more than another sequel to a well known plot. Do I really need to continue?

It's obvious that our pure evil villain has spent twenty minutes talking about his evil plans without actually acting, giving our hero enough time to reach Mary Sue and save her. It's obvious that just as the villain begins to act, the hero bursts in. He's going to save the world. As a prize for his hard work, he's going to get Mary Sue. Mary Sue is no more than bait or a prize or a tragic death to give our hero a tragic backstory. She exists for the hero.

Except that isn't what happened. The hero, with his impressive six pack and spandex uniform, runs in, as expected.

"Mary Sue! I've come to rescue you again!" he exclaims, as this wasn't the first time Mary Sue was bait. In fact, it was probably the millionth time this was her job.

Approximately then, our villain turns around and shoots the hero. That's okay though. Our hero will come back to life. He'll save the world. He has to. There's no other option. Men always save the world, no one else can do it.

Except now he doesn't. There's a gaping hole through his uniform and heart. He's not getting up.

The villain seems surprised, I mean, this never happened before. He's standing around, almost awkwardly. Finally, he realizes now is his chance! He's going to take over the world! It's going to be amazing and wonderful and he can't wait! He is going to change the world.

He's so excited by his plans that he forgets about Mary Sue, sitting in the corner, tied up, looking bloodied up, but perfect, obviously. There isn't a hair out of place and the cut on her chin accents her beauty. She needs to set impossibly high standards for everyone else. Even after such a day, you need to look perfect. How dare your hair not be parted perfectly?!

Mary Sue is lost without her hero. Mary Sue is nothing without her hero. Mary Sue's personality depends on her hero. Mary Sue herself is dependent on the hero. I mean, Mary Sue is a lowly 79 cents next to the hero's shiny dollar.

Except that isn't who Mary Sue is at all.

First of all, Mary Sue isn't all that beautiful. By this, I mean she doesn't fill the impossible beauty standards who decide what is beautiful and what isn't.

Mary Sue may not be stick thin and her frizzy hair isn't particularly fashionable. She's fat and she loves herself. She doesn't want to lose weight. She embraces the stretch marks, the freckles and the body hair. She doesn't smile all the time, and struggles with depression. When she does smile, it's never at the ground. She has a dirty sense of humor and loves debates. She loves cooking but will force you to get off your lazy ass and make your own sandwich. She knows she's beautiful and knows that's not what really matters.

In fact, what's really special about Mary Sue is her cleverness. She is a master at strategical planning. Mary Sue has been waiting and biding her time. Mary Sue is thrilled. Mary Sue knows the time has come for her. This is what she'd been waiting for.

She removes the ropes easily. She was never really tied. If the hero had spent one more second looking at her instead of her chest, he could have seen it. She gets up slowly.

This is it. Her time has come.

She walks toward the villain. A small smile climbs on her perfect face. She's right next to the villain, standing behind him. She's been waiting for this moment for years. The time has come.

She kisses him forcefully. It's not those gentle little sweet kisses she has with the hero. Oh no. This is pure passion, angry and love, red and alive. T

he villain kisses her back, touching her skin and running his hand through her frizzy hair.

"You can take your mask off, babe." She says, between breaths.

The villain realizes this is true and removes the dark mask.

He smiles at her. He may not be as attractive as our hero, but it's his personality that won Mary Sue over. He doesn't have a six pack but he is a good person, just misunderstood. He's the type of person who will abuse Mary Sue but she'll take it, because deep down, he really is a good person. She'll excuse all the bad deeds and blame herself, as always. She'll stick by because she understand him and makeup can cover all bruises.

Except that's not true either.

Our villain is attractive. I'm talking supermodel attractive. How could anyone say no to those big brown eyes, to those rosy cheeks, to those red lips. Our villain is awkward. Our villain doesn't feel comfortable with crowds and confrontations. Our villain is shy and despite all those big thoughts and endless hotness, he likes hiding behind that mask. He hates violence and does everything he can to avoid it. He's a swimmer and a fantastic one at that.

All of this is true but I forgot one small fact.

Our villain isn't a he at all. Our villain is a she. Our villain is indeed attractive. She has beautiful dark skin and big brown eyes. She loves reading, especially historical fiction. She's short but lean, with muscles that would make our former hero jealous. She's determined and doesn't care if the world portrays her as a villain, simply for having a goal and a dream. Our villain isn't a villain at all.

"You ready to change the world?" Mary Sue asked, her excitement and enthusiasm making our real hero smile.

Our non villain bites her lips, a nervous habit she can't seem to stop. She's terrified of public speaking but knows this needs to be done.

Mary Sue kisses her again, a quick peck. They've been in love for so long. Mary Sue loves telling the story of how they met at the pride festival. Mary Sue was learning that it's okay that she's attracted to boys and girls. Our non villain had been a proud lesbian for years, something that had cost her her conservative family as well as many friends. Normally enough, they bonded over a mutual love of Harry Potter.

They started seeing each other, as friends. It was only when heroes start controlling the world and their lives became a misogynistic comic that they realized someone had to get rid of the hero.

Mary Sue kept waiting for this chance. Thy didn't want to kill the hero, but someone had to solve the problem, and the hero wasn't doing anything. He was too busy shaming eleven year old girls for wearing tights in school, too busy deciding for women about their right to abort, too busy saving Mary Sue when really all she needed was the chance to save herself.

They were ready for this. They press the button, which activates the camera and immediately broadcasts this across the nation, through every tv. This is the beginning of change.

Across the world, a little girl is watch tv. She’s playing with stick thin Barbies that don’t have enough room for intestines. She doesn't look a thing like those Barbies and thinks that maybe she should eat less so she’d look like her, because everyone loves Barbie.

This morning, she played with her neighbors and one of them pushed her into the dirt, ruining her dress. She pushed him back. Her mother lectured her that boys will be boys, she shouldn't have hit him, he probably likes her, and the dress is ruined.

Later that day, her best friend cried and the other kids mocked him for being girly. And being a girl is the worst thing to be, and girls are crybabies and weak.

She wants to be a scientist but her mother says she'd do a better job as a secretary. Her brother isn't allowed to wear pink because it'll turn him gay. Her brother dreams of being a cook but everyone says that's a girl's job. Her mother says soon boys will start flirting because she's so beautiful. She's not supposed to call back until three days after, so she won't look desperate. She doesn't understand why, when the time comes, she isn't supposed to ask boys out or pay for herself.

The channel changes and on the screen are two girls. One is short, muscular, with dark skin and black hair. The other is taller, bigger, with blonde frizzy hair and freckled skin. The blonde girl stares into the camera.

“We’re asking you for help. We are here to end gender equality. This has to stop. Boys and girls can and should be strong. Boys and girls are beautiful. We’re here to lower the amounts of men committing suicide. We’re here to make rape disappear, in both genders. We’re here to stop child marriage. We’re here to free you from what society thinks you should be.”

Here the dark haired girls begins talking. “We’re here to change the gender stereotypes. Girls and boys should have a right on their bodies. They have a right to look however they want. We're here to stop homophobia. We’re here to change the idea that men and women are opposites. Girls and boys deserve to be treated equally. We are feminists and we believe in equality between both and all genders.” The TV closes.

And in this story, it’s enough. Everything magically changes. Sexism disappears and is never heard of again. People are free to be whoever they want and their gender doesn't matter. Equality spreads across the globe, killing sexism. The word girly isn't an insult anymore. Girls and boys can look however they want. People become more than their genders.

Except, this is just a story. Our lives aren't this, not now. And maybe for us, it’ll take more than one speech to change the world. But this can become true. If we don’t start now then when? I supposed we've reached the disappointing end of this story. Now let's go change the world.