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Hold On
Chapter Three Only shooting stars break the mold
Kellins Pov
I have always found the question, are you okay? To be ridiculous. If they have to ask the question than obviously it’s not all okay, now is it? Just because I say I’m fine or that I’m okay doesn’t mean that I really am. They’re just words to keep a person from worrying, because when I say I‘m fine I am more than likely thinking about getting something sharp and dragging it across my skin, slicing the thin membrane and watching the red liquid bleed out.
The same thing happens when people ask what’s wrong, I never say what I really want to say, I just say nothing, when in all actuality I used to be somewhat happy, I had a group of friends that I thought liked me but actually pitied me.
The only friend I have now is probably only my friend out of pity, I constantly feel alone because I am, and I want to die but am too scared of death. I second guess myself. I’m sick of feeling ugly and worthless. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up, but you’ll never know that, you don’t ask the right questions because you don’t actually care. I remember how it was when I was a child, when my parents loved me and were happy, I was happy.
Things change though, people change, friends change, and everything else changes. I used to be lively and charismatic but now, now I’m a sad, depressed, masochistic teenager who thinks of the woes of life. After Vic Fuentes pulled me out of his locker I thought I saw something that looked like he understood what I was feeling, like he’s been shoved in a metaphorical locker of his own. Maybe he’s just like me. Maybe Vic Fuentes dreams of ending it all but is terrified of what will happen after that last second of being on this ethereal plane.
I’m probably being ridiculous, I mean he’s Vic fucking Fuentes the most feared guy in school. The guy who shoves people like me into lockers. The seniors probably never had to deal with peer pressure, or bullying or anything I have been through. He’s probably never cried himself to sleep at night listening to his parents scream and yell at each other.
Vic has probably never been told he’s a worthless piece of trash that doesn’t deserve to live. Vic Fuentes probably has everything he wants. But I still can’t shake the way he looked at me, not with pity but with understanding. He looked at me like nobody has ever looked at me like. I don’t fully understand why the short senior has been on my mind all day, but ever since he pulled me out of his locker like it was nothing and told me if it happened again that he’d kick Beau and Craig’s asses. It’s the last class of the day and I haven’t seen him since. After I left Vic in the hallway I found Justin searching for me.
“Wait- Fuentes didn’t hurt you when he found you in his locker.” Those were the first words out of his mouth. Almost as if he was expecting me to have a broken nose or a black eye, after I had told him what transpired between the two of us he was thoroughly in shock at it all. The only thing I didn’t tell him is the feeling of someone staring at my ass as I was walking away but I think that was just my mind playing tricks on me. Because Vic Fuentes could never even think someone as disgusting as me looked even remotely attractive. Right?
…
I honestly don’t know what I dread more, going to school in the morning or going home afterwards. At school it is a constant torment, but at home when my parents are actually home, it’s like they take joy in watching me suffer in all my inner turmoil and self-hate because they cause it, they have actually walked in on me harming myself and just laugh telling me to go ahead and make the cuts deeper. That’s usually what stops me for the time being, I feel as though they find watching me mentally self-destruct as the best comedy around but again, that is only when they are actually home usually they are out with their lovers or at clubs and bars getting drunk off their asses and partying as though they aren't a couple of 38 year olds and are still in their twentys' it's nice when they aren't home. Walking home is the best time for me when I know my parents are probably going to be home since I’m just alone. Not the bad kind of alone but the kind of alone you can find solace in. Where you can wrap the loneliness around you like a blanket and take comfort in it. The kind of alone where you can just get lost in your thoughts where no one is messing with you and your just content in your loneliness. That’s what this kind of alone feels like and I absolutely love it.
“Kellin!” A familiar voice yells shaking me from my thoughts. I stop and turn around a drunk short Mexican stumbles towards me.
“Vic?”
He looks at me funny and just starts giggling like a school boy and pinches my cheek.
“You know better than to walk away from me.” He says in a sloppy slurring voice. My brow furrows, why is this senior talking to me in the first place, much less talking about walking away from him?
“What are you talking about?” I ask waiting for him to catch up.
“I’m talking about you swishing your ass like you own the place. And forcing me to watch you swish that ass is the most intriguing thing to watch.” With that he slaps my butt lightly and chuckles, I smell the cheap beer and a mix of something that smells marijuana. I take a couple of steps away from him.
“Your drunk, I-I I really think y-you really n-need to just go h-home,” I stutter out walking away from him. Vic grabs my wrist causing me to hiss in pain.
“What’s wrong Kellin, don’t you wanna play?” He asks me lust lacing his voice. I shake my head no trying to pull from his tight grasp around the rubber bracelets that seems to only get tighter, making the cuts covering my arm break open and start bleeding. I finally break free of his grasp, losing a couple of bracelets that blanket my arms in the process. Putting my bleeding arm to my chest I glare at the drunk bastard who’s staring at my arm in sober shock.
“Hey, are you ok?” I scowl at his ridiculous question.
“Yes I’m just peachy.” I grind out in a frustrated manner turning to stalk away only for him to grab my shoulder. I wince but he slowly turns me around to face him.
“Kellin, I’m serious. Are you ok?” Vic asks worrying lacing his now sober state.
“Its not like you care anyways.” I spit out at him, why is he even acting like he does? “No one cares. People just ask others if their ‘okay’ to try and find out gossip, which they will use against you later on. So I’ll just go with the yes I am absolutely fine. It’s easier than dealing with bullshit from assholes like you.” I tell him frustrated and finally walk away. This time he lets me go not even bothering to say anything to me. Which is exactly as I expected. Yet I can just barely hear him over the sound of wind and chirping birds.
“But maybe I do care.”
I shake my head ridding myself of the ridiculous thought that I more than likely mad up in my sick and twisted head. The very notion of someone even remotely caring about me is completely absurd.
….
“Where the hell have you been!? “ My father screams at me as I walk through the threshold of the place I hate to call my home. I glance down at the ground knowing better than to look at him when he’s pissed off like this. I start to my room only for the bastard I call dad yank me towards him with all of his might, I gasp out in pain and silently pray to anyone who is listening or watching that he will just let me go. "I'm going to ask me one more time and you better answer me you little prick now: Where. Were. You?" I take in a deep gulp of air before answering.
" I was at school. Remember?" With that my father backhands me.
"No need for the attitude, and why does a worthless idiot like you need school? You're never going to amount to anything important, your a spineless pig who lets people treat you like shit." He lets go of me and I hurry to my bedroom and find the much needed comfort from one of my best friends. My blade.
Title Credit; Smash Mouth All Star
I have always found the question, are you okay? To be ridiculous. If they have to ask the question than obviously it’s not all okay, now is it? Just because I say I’m fine or that I’m okay doesn’t mean that I really am. They’re just words to keep a person from worrying, because when I say I‘m fine I am more than likely thinking about getting something sharp and dragging it across my skin, slicing the thin membrane and watching the red liquid bleed out.
The same thing happens when people ask what’s wrong, I never say what I really want to say, I just say nothing, when in all actuality I used to be somewhat happy, I had a group of friends that I thought liked me but actually pitied me.
The only friend I have now is probably only my friend out of pity, I constantly feel alone because I am, and I want to die but am too scared of death. I second guess myself. I’m sick of feeling ugly and worthless. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up, but you’ll never know that, you don’t ask the right questions because you don’t actually care. I remember how it was when I was a child, when my parents loved me and were happy, I was happy.
Things change though, people change, friends change, and everything else changes. I used to be lively and charismatic but now, now I’m a sad, depressed, masochistic teenager who thinks of the woes of life. After Vic Fuentes pulled me out of his locker I thought I saw something that looked like he understood what I was feeling, like he’s been shoved in a metaphorical locker of his own. Maybe he’s just like me. Maybe Vic Fuentes dreams of ending it all but is terrified of what will happen after that last second of being on this ethereal plane.
I’m probably being ridiculous, I mean he’s Vic fucking Fuentes the most feared guy in school. The guy who shoves people like me into lockers. The seniors probably never had to deal with peer pressure, or bullying or anything I have been through. He’s probably never cried himself to sleep at night listening to his parents scream and yell at each other.
Vic has probably never been told he’s a worthless piece of trash that doesn’t deserve to live. Vic Fuentes probably has everything he wants. But I still can’t shake the way he looked at me, not with pity but with understanding. He looked at me like nobody has ever looked at me like. I don’t fully understand why the short senior has been on my mind all day, but ever since he pulled me out of his locker like it was nothing and told me if it happened again that he’d kick Beau and Craig’s asses. It’s the last class of the day and I haven’t seen him since. After I left Vic in the hallway I found Justin searching for me.
“Wait- Fuentes didn’t hurt you when he found you in his locker.” Those were the first words out of his mouth. Almost as if he was expecting me to have a broken nose or a black eye, after I had told him what transpired between the two of us he was thoroughly in shock at it all. The only thing I didn’t tell him is the feeling of someone staring at my ass as I was walking away but I think that was just my mind playing tricks on me. Because Vic Fuentes could never even think someone as disgusting as me looked even remotely attractive. Right?
…
I honestly don’t know what I dread more, going to school in the morning or going home afterwards. At school it is a constant torment, but at home when my parents are actually home, it’s like they take joy in watching me suffer in all my inner turmoil and self-hate because they cause it, they have actually walked in on me harming myself and just laugh telling me to go ahead and make the cuts deeper. That’s usually what stops me for the time being, I feel as though they find watching me mentally self-destruct as the best comedy around but again, that is only when they are actually home usually they are out with their lovers or at clubs and bars getting drunk off their asses and partying as though they aren't a couple of 38 year olds and are still in their twentys' it's nice when they aren't home. Walking home is the best time for me when I know my parents are probably going to be home since I’m just alone. Not the bad kind of alone but the kind of alone you can find solace in. Where you can wrap the loneliness around you like a blanket and take comfort in it. The kind of alone where you can just get lost in your thoughts where no one is messing with you and your just content in your loneliness. That’s what this kind of alone feels like and I absolutely love it.
“Kellin!” A familiar voice yells shaking me from my thoughts. I stop and turn around a drunk short Mexican stumbles towards me.
“Vic?”
He looks at me funny and just starts giggling like a school boy and pinches my cheek.
“You know better than to walk away from me.” He says in a sloppy slurring voice. My brow furrows, why is this senior talking to me in the first place, much less talking about walking away from him?
“What are you talking about?” I ask waiting for him to catch up.
“I’m talking about you swishing your ass like you own the place. And forcing me to watch you swish that ass is the most intriguing thing to watch.” With that he slaps my butt lightly and chuckles, I smell the cheap beer and a mix of something that smells marijuana. I take a couple of steps away from him.
“Your drunk, I-I I really think y-you really n-need to just go h-home,” I stutter out walking away from him. Vic grabs my wrist causing me to hiss in pain.
“What’s wrong Kellin, don’t you wanna play?” He asks me lust lacing his voice. I shake my head no trying to pull from his tight grasp around the rubber bracelets that seems to only get tighter, making the cuts covering my arm break open and start bleeding. I finally break free of his grasp, losing a couple of bracelets that blanket my arms in the process. Putting my bleeding arm to my chest I glare at the drunk bastard who’s staring at my arm in sober shock.
“Hey, are you ok?” I scowl at his ridiculous question.
“Yes I’m just peachy.” I grind out in a frustrated manner turning to stalk away only for him to grab my shoulder. I wince but he slowly turns me around to face him.
“Kellin, I’m serious. Are you ok?” Vic asks worrying lacing his now sober state.
“Its not like you care anyways.” I spit out at him, why is he even acting like he does? “No one cares. People just ask others if their ‘okay’ to try and find out gossip, which they will use against you later on. So I’ll just go with the yes I am absolutely fine. It’s easier than dealing with bullshit from assholes like you.” I tell him frustrated and finally walk away. This time he lets me go not even bothering to say anything to me. Which is exactly as I expected. Yet I can just barely hear him over the sound of wind and chirping birds.
“But maybe I do care.”
I shake my head ridding myself of the ridiculous thought that I more than likely mad up in my sick and twisted head. The very notion of someone even remotely caring about me is completely absurd.
….
“Where the hell have you been!? “ My father screams at me as I walk through the threshold of the place I hate to call my home. I glance down at the ground knowing better than to look at him when he’s pissed off like this. I start to my room only for the bastard I call dad yank me towards him with all of his might, I gasp out in pain and silently pray to anyone who is listening or watching that he will just let me go. "I'm going to ask me one more time and you better answer me you little prick now: Where. Were. You?" I take in a deep gulp of air before answering.
" I was at school. Remember?" With that my father backhands me.
"No need for the attitude, and why does a worthless idiot like you need school? You're never going to amount to anything important, your a spineless pig who lets people treat you like shit." He lets go of me and I hurry to my bedroom and find the much needed comfort from one of my best friends. My blade.
Title Credit; Smash Mouth All Star