Hold On

Kellin Pov

Its crazy how a simple scent can bring back a lifetime of memories. The smell of freshly baked cookies reminds me of my childhood, of comforting hugs from my mother after a hard day at pre-school or playing catch with my father and coming in for a mid afternoon snack.

At the moment I don't know who is baking cookies but whoever they are I hate them. I hate them for bringing back such memories when all I get now are beatings and hate. The smell wafts through our rather large apartment.

Funny how stupidly rich my parents are yet they are so miserable with their life, and that they make my life miserable as well in the process. Whoever said money can't buy you happiness was correct. My parents are disgustingly rich yet so unhappy with themselves and life that they can't see what's right in front of them.

They both know I'm on the verge of killing myself and ridding the world of my existence yet they don't seem to care in fact it's like they encourage it.

As I have said before they have walked in on me cutting and pretty much beg me to go deeper, deep enough that I take my own life just so my 'Parents' don't have to deal with a piece of shit like me. One day I'll finally make my parents happy.

I start writing in my song book, it's so lame but it's the only real way that I can get my feelings out with out hurting myself and some days it's even better than cutting.

Don’t wake me up if I’m sleeping this life away
Tell me that I’ll never be good enough
Sometimes it hurts to think it could really be that way
It won’t be that way

I’m tired and I’m lost
I don’t wanna be found
I put my heart and my soul
And strength in this now

So forgive me ‘cause I won’t forget that

Yeah, this world has changed me
So you know when you ask me

Who are you now?
Did you say what you want?
Don’t go back to the start
I’m asking, who are you now?
Did they break you apart?
Won’t you fight back for what you want?

I stop there, trying to think of something to write next but nothing comes and I am stuck just staring at the lyrics that I scribbled down and tears slip out of my eyes as i think of how true the lyrics are, the pain they represent. It's funny in a morbid way, because i can imagine Vic (of all people) asking me these questions. I have no idea why I keep thinking about that gorgeous Mexican boy that I only met yesterday but he has just decided to stay on my mind and I'm starting to develop a crush for the boy. I doubt someone like him is gay though. He's the scariest guy in school even Craig and Beau are terrified in him but the guy who pulled me out of his locker was definatly not terrifying.

My mind drifts from thoughts of Vic to the usual ones I have when i'm alone in my room.

Death.

One day I will get over this petty little fear and I will finally take my life, not caring where I go or what happens.

Not a single soul will miss me anyways, like everybody likes to remind me: I'm a worthless, good for nothing bastard that doesn't deserve the air that I breath. And their right. What have I done so far with my life? Make others miserable.

My parents, my teachers, my school mates, Justin fuck even Vic. I probably screwed up his life somehow as well. I don't know how but knowing me there is a good chance that I did.

That's what I do though.

Ruin everybody's life.

Even my own.

...

Schools sucks ass. Thats all that needs to be said on the subject, I mean i'm at this place to get an 'education' but all that really happens here is that i get the shit beat out of me every day all day.

Why? I don't really know maybe the bullies do it for the same reason my parents treat me like I'm worthless maybe it just feels good to treat others as f the are less than you. I honestly don't know at this point but if Beau and Craig don't stop soon the bells going to ring and they will get caught which means the principal will get involved and then he will suspend Beau and Craig which will just fuel their hate fire towards me and I really don't need that.

Beau kicks me in the ribs one last final time and its the most painful one yet. I groan in pain but refuse to move 'till they walk away. Craige spits on me and they finally leave, I push my self up grunting from the immense pain that splinters in my abdomen.

Limping towards the bathroom the bell rings and teenagers flood the hallways, purposly bumping into me, giving me looks of either disgust or sympathy. I like to think some of these people I call schoolmates would help me out if they weren't so afraid of Craig and Beau.

I don't blame them, I would probably do the same thing as them if I was in their shoes. Some one slams into me causing me to fall to the ground, "Shit, I'm sorry!" A familiar voice says bending over to help me up, I look up at the guy apologizing and almost immediatly melt looking into his chocolate brown eyes, a lock of brown hair falling in front of his carmel colored skin.

His brows furrow, "Kellin? Are you okay?" Vic asks me in what sounds like a worried voice but it's more likely false sympathy. I shrug and push myself up off the ground and walk towards the bathroom to clean myself up leaving Vic in the hallway waiting for an answer.

I look at my face in the mirror, the reflection making a face of disgust at what it sees, I'm disgusting to even look at, my too pale face with the ghostly haunting blue eyes is just hideous and the bruise already forming on my jaw line just makes it worse. My black hair just hangs limply, I pretty much look dead.

If only I was dead.

I wet some paper towels and press them against my jaw, wincing slightly at the slight pressure. After the swelling starts to somewhat go down I trash the wad of paper towels and walk out of the bathroom only to once again run into someone and once again it's Vic.

"You know when I ask somebody a question I expect them to answer me. Now let me ask again, and this time you won't walk away from me. Are you okay?" He asks me seriously and I shrug.

"What kind of question is that? Am I okay? Obviously I'm not and yet here you are asking me the obvious. I think if you would just look at me and really look you would know that I am in fact not ok that I just got the shit beat out of me and I really just need to go to class, now if you will excuse me I'm already late for 5th hour." I start to walk away only for the senior to grab my arm and pull me back. He glares at me.

"Another thing I don't like is people smart-mouthing me. I didn't do anything to deserve it and i don't like it. Now answer this, did Craig and Beau do this?"

I nod and thankfully Vic lets go of me, "Thank you for actually co-operating." He looks me up and down as if he's checking me out, "now you can go but i expect to see you sitting next to me tomorrow at lunch." I look up at him once again, this time confused. Why does he want me to sit with him? Some disgusting thing like me. He makes a shooing motion towards me and I give him one last look before slowly walk away towards 5th hour chemistry. That was weird.

Song And Title credit: Who Are You Now Sleeping With Sirens