Ghosting
part of us is unfailing.
If you look up at the sky for too long you can forget that you live in this shitty town. The humidity will bring you back though, it sticks the back of your thighs to the railing you’re sitting on. I hate being outside in the midnight heat but it was better than the way my bedroom felt like a cage. There’s ink on my fingers and I feel entirely disconnected. I suppose thats what happens when a boy you love lays across your back with no warning. He’s shaking and crying and you can feel his brain coming apart at the seams. There’s something terrifying about that you know? Like watching someone drive away and not having the guts to scream “Please no, I want you to stay.” Come closer, please, I don’t know how to save you but we can burn together.
“Hey, Cather, there’s food.”
Luis leaned out my bedroom window wrinkling his nose at the half finished cigarette in my hand. I put it out in the flower bed that never had any flowers and swung inside. My brother held a perfume bottle out to me and I brushed it through my hair. We talked about his new manuscript and my bad habit of speaking in broken Spanish to our grandmother. Normal Cather, normal Luis, normal family, normal house. Just like always. I miss him on days like these when the normality of my actual life suffocates me. I miss these days when I’m with him though when being extraordinary isn’t extra anymore. I’m too tired to make choices.
If you come apart at the seams are you even a ghost anymore? It’s written across the back of my hand and I like watching the words morph when I move my fingers. It’s more entertaining that the food in front of me. Meat and potato’s, meat and potato’s, fast food, Crockpot, meat and potato’s. Anything else would break it, the sense of complete normalcy. My mother is chatting happily about a client as my sister and I gather the table settings. Angie can’t quite look at me, can’t quite address me: she’s the worst liar of us all.
This is what happens when you spend all your life’s mistakes on one person in one year. Who you are becomes a ghost, a skeleton in a closet hidden somewhere dank and dark. Everything around you will fall apart while looking perfectly together. I’m kind of glad honestly. Testing out how close I can let someone get to killing me was the best thing I’ve ever done.
“Hey, Cather, there’s food.”
Luis leaned out my bedroom window wrinkling his nose at the half finished cigarette in my hand. I put it out in the flower bed that never had any flowers and swung inside. My brother held a perfume bottle out to me and I brushed it through my hair. We talked about his new manuscript and my bad habit of speaking in broken Spanish to our grandmother. Normal Cather, normal Luis, normal family, normal house. Just like always. I miss him on days like these when the normality of my actual life suffocates me. I miss these days when I’m with him though when being extraordinary isn’t extra anymore. I’m too tired to make choices.
If you come apart at the seams are you even a ghost anymore? It’s written across the back of my hand and I like watching the words morph when I move my fingers. It’s more entertaining that the food in front of me. Meat and potato’s, meat and potato’s, fast food, Crockpot, meat and potato’s. Anything else would break it, the sense of complete normalcy. My mother is chatting happily about a client as my sister and I gather the table settings. Angie can’t quite look at me, can’t quite address me: she’s the worst liar of us all.
This is what happens when you spend all your life’s mistakes on one person in one year. Who you are becomes a ghost, a skeleton in a closet hidden somewhere dank and dark. Everything around you will fall apart while looking perfectly together. I’m kind of glad honestly. Testing out how close I can let someone get to killing me was the best thing I’ve ever done.
♠ ♠ ♠
had to stop early vibe killed by gross dinner boo.-A