These Eyes Are Blind

If someone had told Frank a month ago that he'd be enjoying his life, even just a little bit, he would've told them that they're lying. Here he is now though, in his room, having pizza with his mom and Gerard. Frank would be a liar if he said he wasn't enjoying himself.

"That was very good," Frank's mother says once she's finished swallowing the last of her pizza. "You guys did great."

"Told you everything would be fine," Gerard says.

"Yeah yeah. Don't think I'll be allowing him to open a pizzeria now," she says.

"Why not, we're Italian? Gerard will be my eyes. I think we could get a good operation going," Frank laughs and Gerard and his mother joins in the laughter, shaking their heads fondly.

"As if Frankie, as if," Frank's mother brushes her hands onto her pants and stands up. "I think it's time for me to go get some work done around here. Thanks for the pizza."

"You can take a slice with you," Frank offers, and his mom is astonished.

"I don't know what you're doing Gerard..." she bends down to take another slice, "but keep it up. Frank doesn't share pizza."

"Yeah, you can go now," Frank says. His mother and Gerard burst into laughter again.

"I'm going, I'm going," she bends over to kiss Frank on his forehead, with him pulling away slightly, and her rolling her eyes.

With that she's out of the room and they're alone... again. Gerard smiles as Frank picks up a huge glob of cheese and stuffs it into his mouth. He's never come across someone who loves pizza as much as Frank does, but it's fucking adorable to say the least. Gerard watches, very impressed, as Frank tackles half of the pizza on his own. Frank is now down to his last two slices, and Gerard knows he isn't going to stop there.

"So, I was thinking..." Frank starts and Gerard looks at him curiously, "When I'm done with my pizza, you should hand some of yours over."

Gerard laughs and transfers two of his pieces over to Frank's plate. "I just gave you two of my last three. You should consider yourself special, because I don't share pizza either."

"I'm flattered," Frank says in a mocking tone and puts his hand to his chest momentarily. Within seconds he's back to eating his pizza.

Gerard sighs and Frank turns his head to him. Frank does that thing with his eyebrow, which drives Gerard insane for some unknown reason; it's just an eyebrow lift. There's just something about the perfect way Frank's brow arches that kills Gerard a little inside each time Frank does it.

"What is it?" Frank asks after moments of getting silence from Gerard.

"Nothing. Enjoy your pizza," Gerard gives him a soft smile, that Frank obviously doesn't see.

"You have been here with me for long enough to know that I have enjoyed my pizza," Frank says, clearly waiting for Gerard to say something. Gerard just sighs in response though.

Frank sits there gnawing on his lip nervously. Did he unknowingly do or say something that annoyed Gerard? Was he being too greedy, and Gerard wants his pizza back?

Gerard can see worry etched across Frank's features. The sigh wasn't a bad one at all, it was a content one. He's just glad that he can make Frank feel good, and he's glad he doesn't have to force Frank into it at this moment.

"If you want your pizza back-" Frank is cut off by Gerard's honking laugh, and if Frank wasn't so worried, he'd think that was the cutest sound ever.

"I don't want my pizza back, Frankie. It was a content sigh. I'm just glad you're enjoying yourself. The pizza, my company, your mother's. I'm just happy that you're happy, or so it seems," Gerard pauses and then looks at Frank again, "Are you happy?"

"I-I'm okay," Frank stutters, because there's still a stubborn part of him that doesn't want to admit that Gerard's good for him.

"Oh, come on now, Frankie!" Gerard throws his hands in the air and rolls his eyes.

"What?"

"Don't do that crap."

"Do what crap?"

"Don't take steps back now. Just... say you're happy. At least for me."

"Why would I do something for you?"

Gerard looks at Frank with a shocked expression. Gerard's only done so much for him, and all he wants in return is to know that Frank's happy, and he's acting stubborn. Gerard knows this is how Frank acts, but right now he thought they made some progress, and he wouldn't do it at least for the rest of the day. It's not that Gerard's expecting anything from Frank in return, because he's not, but just that little thing would make him happy. Hearing Frank say that he's happy from his own mouth would mean so much.

Frank feels like an ass for saying what he said, and how he said it. He's not going to take it back though. Frank isn't going to admit that he's happy, because he knows it's going to be ripped right from under him tomorrow at school. Bullies, and stupid teachers who don't give a shit about anyone but themselves, are all going to ruin everything, so why would he set himself up like that?

"It's okay, you don't have to say it. I just thought... it's fine," Gerard finishes and picks at his pizza.

Gerard looks at Frank when he hears him mumble something, but he doesn't quite catch it.

"What was that?" Gerard inclines.

"I'm sorry. You just don't understand," Frank says quietly.

"I understand completely Frank-" Gerard's cut off by Frank's words.

"I just can't say that right now."

"You can't or you won't?" Gerard asks in a tone more harsh than he anticipated. Frank turns away from Gerard, and instantly Gerard feels bad. "I know what you're thinking Frank. You may think I don't, but I do. We have talked about these things. All you have to do is say you're happy."

"But I'm not! This right here," Frank points between himself and Gerard, "this right here is why I won't say it. Within two seconds everything has gone to shit."

"Because of you," Gerard says and Frank jumps back like he was struck by a force field, with his brows raised so high they almost come off his face completely. "Look, I just mean that... had you just said you were happy, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

Frank scoffs and shakes his head.

"Just say it, Frankie. Please? That's all I want from you right now," Gerard moves closer to Frank and Frank moves back from him. Gerard sighs and runs his hand through his hair. "It's not as bad as you're making it. All you have to do is say it. Allow yourself to be happy, even if it's just for right now. Embrace it, Frankie."

Gerard moves over to Frank again, but this time Frank doesn't move. Gerard takes Frank's hands in his and looks at him for a moment.

"Please say it. I gave you my pizza," Gerard whispers and Frank chuckles and turns away.

"Don't turn away. You know I love to see you smile. Now all you have to do is say you're happy," Gerard pulls Frank's hands up to his face and kisses each one. He then rubs his thumbs across Frank's knuckles. "Say it, for me."

Gerard realizes that he's on his hands and knees begging Frank for this one thing. He doesn't want to pressure Frank, but he knows Frank's happy, and he just wants to hear him say it just this once. He almost chokes on his tongue when Frank finally speaks.

"Right now, I'm happy," Frank whispers, because just as Gerard noticed he was begging, Frank did too.

Frank's aware that Gerard is groveling right now, for something that seems so simple, but it's not for Frank. Frank's also aware of his feelings, even if he's denying them, he can suck it up for now. Gerard didn't have to do this for him, he didn't have to do anything, but he did, so Frank gave him what he wanted.

Gerard smiles and his heart unclenches a little bit at the sound of Frank’s words. He lets Frank’s hands go lightly, not wanting to stop feeling him, but also uncertain of whether Frank’s alright with it.

“I just... Frank, you know I really like you.”

“You’ve made that abundantly clear,” Frank replies, but he doesn’t sound rude about it, it’s more like he’s stating a fact.

“Yeah, well basically I just want you to not be afraid of me. Or, not necessarily afraid of me, like you think I’m a villain, I want you to not be afraid of the fact that I like you. The fact that I like you and I think you might like me. I don’t want you to force yourself to be afraid of having feelings for me or for anyone.”

“I’ve spent most of my life bottling things up,” Frank says.

“What I have learned from life is that we all spend about ten to fifteen years building up knowledge of the world, and from then on, we have to unlearn the things we’ve learned to banish our cowardliness. What I mean to say is that we learn all these problematic things and we assimilate them, and then we have to grow up and realize that a lot of the things we know, or think we know, are wrong. If we don’t move on from the things we once thought, then we don’t evolve. It takes time to unlearn the things we thought, but we have to try.

“I don’t expect you to just open up to me overnight, Frank. I can’t make that happen, and if I could, I don’t think I would, because it’s not my desire to change who you are. I’m just saying that, you’ve learned some things over your life, learned how to be self-contained and private, but it’s about time you try to fix the way you see other people. Not everyone is trustworthy, no. Not everyone is sane, or thinks rationally. Not everyone gives other people’s best interests a thought. You’ve got to be willing to find out though, otherwise you end up alone.”

“That’s a long winded way of saying you think I’m a coward,” Frank says.

“I don’t think you’re a coward, Frankie. I would never say that to you. I think you’re naïve, and still haven’t fully grown into who you will be someday. I think you’re somewhat cynical, but I also think you’re charming. I think you’re an inherently good person, who cares for others, but just doesn’t like to admit it. I admire how strong you are, and how you have the nerve to still be who you are even if it can put you into some scary situations. I just don’t want you to water down your personality to keep yourself safe. Everyone has to take risks otherwise we never step out of our front door,” Gerard replies.

“I don’t know what I’m doing yet, Gerard,” Frank admits, “I don’t know what life I have ahead of me, or how I’m going to get by. I don’t know if I’ll be able to do this, and I am so fucking terrified of never being able to be my own person. I have to depend on others and it’s scary knowing that I may never have any of the freedom I desire.”

“I can’t imagine.”

“No, I highly doubt you could. It’s just that... I don’t know how to say it, with you, when I’m with you, sometimes, I forget. Like, you distract me. You make me forget for the smallest amount of time that I’m not like everyone else,” Frank says.

“Why would you ever want to be like anyone else, Frankie? Everyone else is boring and worn out. You’re pretty special though.”

“I don’t want to be special just because I’m blind.”

Gerard shakes his head, “that’s not what makes you special.”

“Then what is it?”

“You just are,” Gerard says, “I can’t describe it to you. It’s like trying to describe an emotion to someone. I can’t just tell you, it’s something I feel.”

“You’re just saying that.”

“You know that I’m not,” Gerard says, leaning a little closer to Frank. Frank can feel the small amount of space shorten between them, and for fucks sake, he’s having trouble breathing again. Why does this keep happening to him? Maybe he’s allergic to Gerard or something, because he has short and wheezy breaths whenever Gerard gets too close. That’s not normal. People just don’t make you stop breathing.

“I,” Frank starts, but then he drifts off because he knows Gerard is so close to him it’s probably not even possible to measure the distance. It’s almost like Frank can actually feel Gerard pressed against him. He’s not, but it feels like that. It’s the way that Gerard’s aura seems to be bigger than Gerard himself, like he has this whole space around him that is also a part of him even if it actually isn’t. Like an invisible shield of some sort.

“I didn’t catch that,” Gerard says.

“That’s because I didn’t say anything,” Frank answers, and his whole body has gone stiff. He’s not sure what to do with himself, but his body refuses to let him lean back.

“There’s something really important that I need to ask you right now, Frankie.”

“What’s that?” Frank asks, hating the sound of his own voice compared to Gerard’s. Gerard can make everything sound graceful and pretty, but Frank just sounds like a kid.

“Can I kiss you right now?”

Frank blinks a few times nervously before saying, “No.”

“No?” Gerard asks, with sadness in his voice.

“Yeah. I mean, you could’ve, but you ruined the moment. There’s nothing romantic about asking if you can kiss someone. We’ve been through this already, Gerard.”

“You’re not going to let me kiss you just because I asked?”

“Precisely.”

“So does that mean I am allowed to at some point in the future?” Gerard questions.

“I told you this already, I’m sure of it.”

“Clarify it for me, would you?”

Frank sighs, and shakes his head, “There’s just no skill. You’re just going to have to do better, Gerard.”

Gerard narrows his eyes at Frank and tries not to smile at his words. “I’m taking that as a yes.”

Frank shrugs, but he doesn’t say no, or try to correct Gerard.

"Well..." Gerard stops what he's about to say, remembering what Frank had just said, and leans in a little closer.

When Gerard's lips touch the corner of Frank's mouth he feels his breathing, along with Frank's stop altogether. It's not even a kiss on the lips, but it doesn't stop either of them from blushing, and it doesn't start their breathing again.

There's so many noises Frank has to swallow before he embarrasses himself. There's no way he'll let himself whimper like he did hours ago. It's such a simple movement, Frank shouldn't be fighting back a moan; a fucking moan. All Gerard did was kiss his cheek, and a small part of his lips. It would be considered teetering on the side of inappropriate, but not. It was like one of those accidental kisses that happen, but it doesn't fully, when two people turn for a cheek kiss at the same time.

Gerard moves to sit next to Frank, and he's shocked when Frank puts his head on his shoulder. Gerard smiles, and holds back the urge to kiss Frank's forehead. That one kiss was enough. He doesn't want to push up on Frank, though he kind of has the go ahead. Gerard could kiss him right now if he wants to, and God does he want to, but he knows it's too soon after asking and being told no.

"You give me a feeling I never thought I'd feel before," Frank says.

"I'm glad to know that. You give me a feeling that shows me what it truly means to want to be with someone forever."

"Forever? Gerard..."

"I'm not going to ask you to marry me, calm down. I haven't even kissed you yet. If things go my way though, I will be asking you one day."

"You think so?" Frank asks.

"I know so."

"Isn't same sex marriage illegal here?"

Gerard just shrugs, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

"I will not cheapen our wedding to that!" Frank says and giggles. "If we get married."

"Shut up, Frank."

"Okay," he says. Frank can feel Gerard smiling at him, and he smiles back.

"I should be going in about another hour."

"Okay."

Frank will never admit it, but his heart just sank a little.

“You going to gossip to Mikey about me?” Frank asks.

“Not if you don’t want me to,” Gerard replies.

“I don’t know. Mikey already thinks we’re getting married.”

“Well he’s not wrong.”

“Gerard,” Frank scoffs, “You’re so stubborn. I don’t even understand it.”

“You never denied anything,” Gerard reminds him, and Frank sighs, because Gerard does have a point on that one. He hasn’t denied anything. Or at least, not to Gerard. It’s different denying things to Mikey and the others because they’re mostly just joking when they say things like that, but not Gerard. Gerard seems to really believe the stories himself and that really excites Frank.

“I doubt you’d let me deny anything,” Frank says finally.

Gerard chuckles slightly and rests his head on top of Frank’s, whose skull is somewhat uncomfortable against his, but what matters is that it’s Frank who has decided his shoulder is a good pillow. Nothing matters besides that, in Gerard’s opinion.

“I’m not forcing you to do anything,” Gerard says, “You have every right to deny that you don’t like me. You have every right to say I don’t make a damn good pizza, and you have every right to tell me that you wouldn’t marry me in a million years. I haven’t heard any of those things come out of your mouth though.”

“Hey,” Frank says, “I helped you make that pizza.”

“That you did,” Gerard confirms, and he smiles about as wide as he possibly can, because right now everything in the world is perfect. It’s not actually, and he knows that, but right now, everything is just right. There’s nothing he would change if he could.

Gerard obviously wants to just kiss Frank and keep kissing him for the rest of his life, but at the same time, this is great too. It’s innocent, Frank’s just got his head on Gerard’s shoulder like they’re watching a movie or something, and it’s the tiniest sign of trust but that’s enough for Gerard.

And Frank knows that someday, and he’s sure it’s someday very very soon, Gerard’s going to be his first kiss. If he didn’t know that a day ago, he knows it today, and he doesn’t know why that’s so scary, but also so calming. There’s something reassuring about it in a way. He feels really old though, given that he’s eighteen and he hasn’t kissed anyone, but he does have an excuse. Whether it’s a good one or not is up for debate, but it’s an excuse all the same.

Frank wants it though, which his weird because he’d never thought he’d want to kiss anyone, and in barely any time at all Gerard has shown him that he was so wrong. Of course he wants to kiss someone, he wants to kiss Gerard. Gerard’s sure that that’s only the smallest of things Frank wants. Frank can practically see the gears turning in Gerard’s mind.

Gerard seems to think that Frank wants everything, basically all of his firsts, to be Gerard. Frank’s not denying anything, but that’s mostly because he’s content with letting Gerard have his fantasies for now. They’re young, they can be stupid and make mistakes all they want. He’ll let Gerard believe what he wants, because Frank kind of wants to pretend for now that maybe Gerard is right. Maybe he will marry this redheaded weirdo someday. He doubts it, because in all likelihood, Gerard will get bored of him by then, but it’s a great dream. It makes Frank feel a little less lonely if he allows himself to think that someone might actually like him, who he might actually like back.

“You are a very strange person, Gerard Way.”

“Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”

“Yes,” Frank answers.

“You didn’t actually give me an answer.”

“The thing about being blind is that everyone’s pretty basic when it comes down to it,” Frank starts, “like, I can have most, if not all people figured out within a couple of minutes. People are very basic, especially when you don’t get distracted by facial expressions, hand gestures, and things like that. So people are just really fucking transparent, which is weird because I can’t fucking see things, but I see right through everyone I meet. And then there’s you, and you never do what I expect you to do. You always say things that I don’t expect you to say, and it’s just really strange. You know, like, you’re just really strange. I still don’t get it.”

“You do not see through everyone,” Gerard says, sounding skeptical, “really? Is that true?”

“It’s extremely true,” Frank says, “people are so easy. The only things they’re able to hide are whether they’re going to betray you or not, which is why I tend to avoid communication with people at all cost, but with you it’s like you don’t even fucking exist on a map. The only thing I’m picking up is that you’re just really strange and don’t make sense. Like, you’re the kind of guy on a cop show who totally seems like they did it because they’re so fucking hard to read, but then in the end, you were like, completely innocent.”

“What makes you think I can’t be the guy who did it?” Gerard asks, laughing.

“Well, I supposed that all depends on what ‘it’ is. I feel like you might be able to get away with murder if you tried to, but that’s’ not me inviting you to go experimenting, but I just think you’d be really hard to read.”

“Maybe it’s just you that can’t read me.”

“Why would that be the case?”

“I like to think it’s because you like me so much that it throws you off,” Gerard says.

“You’re so arrogant,” Frank says.

“In a good way though, right?”

Frank shrugs, and shifts his head the smallest amount. “In a good way, yeah.”

"Looking back on my life, and the obstacles I've overcome, when I really just wanted to give up... it all led me to you. Every breakup I had was to lead me to you. I truly believe that. Mikey always told me 'they weren't meant to stay, because God has someone better for you.' I know I found that someone, I just have to convince him that it's true."

Frank whispers, "I don't think you'll have to do too much convincing."

Gerard reaches up and runs his finger down Frank's jawline. Gerard lets his hand fall after a few seconds, into his lap, and Frank slides his hand into Gerard's. Neither of them say anything, they just sort of sit there learning how to help one another breathe. A few minutes pass before either of them say anything.

"Mikey said that?"

"Yeah, he's pretty wise when he wants to be."

Frank just nods slightly and closes his eyes, listening to Gerard's heartbeat, and hoping it's because of him that it's going so fast.

“And do you think Mikey’s right?” Frank asks.

“Maybe the details are a little off, maybe I was just waiting to find that someone on my own without the help of anyone, or maybe it was fate, but I don’t know and I don’t fucking care,” Gerard says. “I guess, when you meet someone you like for the very first time it always feels like it’s going to last forever. Your first crush, it feels like they’re the one. All the rest of them feel like that too, but that’s not what you feel like. All those other people, and believe me when I say it wasn’t very many, they don’t even seem to exist anymore now that I’ve met you. Now that I know you, I don’t feel like any of them have any place in my life, not even in my memory, because all the times I thought I found ‘the one’ are shamed by the way I feel about you.”

“You’ve only known me for like a week,” Frank reminds him.

“There’s just something, and I can’t describe it. Some sort of, like, intuition I have. No one has ever made me believe I wanted them as much as you have, and you’ve done that in less than a week. For fucks sake, on a timeline, we barely know each other in the slightest. Like, we don’t know each other at all when you consider how long humanity has been a race, but at the same time, it’s so cliché, but it feels like I’ve known you forever. It feels like I just really need to see this to the end. I need to watch how this turns out, this friendship, or relationship, or partnership or whatever the hell kind of ship you and I are sailing. I just need to know you, more than I’ve ever needed to know anyone before. You make me feel like the stars have come alive, and I don’t care if it’s stupid, that doesn’t matter, because I like you. A lot. Like I can already tell you will mean everything to me one day. It’s not a normal instinct, I guess. It’s not normal in the slightest. I just know. You ever just know something that you can’t explain?”

“Yeah,” Frank nods, “I’m starting to get what you mean.”

“With you, it just sort of feels like I’m coming home.”

“Half of the things you say are complete and utter bullshit from the wet dreams of a guy who doesn’t get enough action, and yet I still believe every word that comes out of your mouth.”

Gerard seems to find that funny as he laughs way too close to Frank’s ear, and kisses the top of his head. Frank’s just learned to accept that he can’t actually fight off the way he feels about Gerard. He’s been trying, still is, but there’s just something so hard about the prospect of so much pretending that he doesn’t like Gerard, it’s beginning to feel unneeded. Maybe it’s actually worth it to just let himself give into liking Gerard, and risk being hurt in the end.

That’s something that never occurred to Frank. He could just let people have complete access to his back and hand them the knife, but trust them enough to know that they won’t use it. He’s already letting Gerard in, and they both know that, but he’s so close to just forgetting to care about what happens if Gerard ends up hurting him.

“Gerard,” Frank says after a few minutes.

“Yeah?”

“You should pick me up after school tomorrow,” Frank says.

“I have to work tomorrow,” Gerard says.

Frank feels himself frown at those words, “oh.”

“Hey, don’t sound so glum. No one ever said that my break can’t coincide with when you get out.”

“Oh really?” Frank asks.

“Yeah,” Gerard says, “in fact, I’m basically allowed to take my break whenever I so wish it, so maybe it can always happen to be right around when you get out.”

“You would do that?” Frank asks.

“Well quite possibly the best thing that ever happened to me happened while I was on a break, so I’m curious to see if that trend continues.”

“Oh? And what was this event that happened?”

Gerard smirks, “I met this guy in a mall cafeteria. He’s pretty sweet. He’s incredibly cynical though, but he’s nice. You would like him.”

“He sounds annoying.”

“He is, but he’s the good kind of annoying.”

“There’s a good kind of annoying?”

“His name is Frank,” Gerard replies.