These Eyes Are Blind

“Are you still hungry? Because we could stop somewhere and I could get you something, because, like, I don’t want you to-”

“Gerard, you’re spoiling me,” Frank says.

“Maybe I want to spoil you,” Gerard shrugs.

“But I don’t want our relationship to be solely based on you buying me things. Food is one thing, but I’ve already eaten, and now you’re offering more food, which is just, like, I don’t have a bottomless pit in my stomach. I am fine.”

“Just want to check, I’m sorry. I just want to make sure you’re happy.”

“I am, you don’t need to worry about that.”

“I just, like, I want to spoil you, and I can’t help that. You deserve to have nice things.”

“I have you,” Frank says, before realizing what he said, and instantly feeling his cheeks burning.

Gerard doesn’t respond immediately, he just sort of sits there in his seat trying to figure out when Frank became so adorable. Like, three weeks ago, Frank probably would’ve preferred stapling himself to a tree than saying something like that.

“You’re cute,” Gerard says.

“No,” Frank says, frowning. He shivers slightly, blaming it on the fact that Gerard only just turned the car on and the heating hasn’t made him any warmer yet.

“Are you cold?” Gerard asks, and Frank knows he’s turned the heating on higher by the sound it makes. Sort of a light whooshing sound.

“We should just go home,” Frank says, “You can hang out a while.”

“It’s almost midnight,” Gerard points out.

“But it’s a weekend, I don’t have school tomorrow, and you said that you don’t have to work until Sunday. So like, you could spend a little while with me?”

“You used to never be able to get rid of me fast enough,” Gerard says.

“I think we can both accept that we’ve reached that point. Okay? Like, Gerard, I let you put your tongue in my mouth, I think you can pretty much accept that I like having you around.”

“You are adorable,” Gerard says, leaning over to Frank to get his seatbelt. Some things never change. Frank doesn’t protest, he’s pretty much used to not being able to breathe when Gerard is this close, it’s nothing new, but it still catches him off guard. He still has a momentary lapse of panic when he realizes that air won’t fill his lungs anymore. It’s not even unpleasant to him at this point. He kind of likes forgetting how to breathe, because it means Gerard’s really close. Way too close, but the good kind of way too close.

“You’re not breathing,” Gerard says, his breath falling over Frank’s face, and he’s not sure when Gerard had a breath mint, but he must’ve. It occurs to Frank that it’s entirely likely he did that because he had every intention of kissing him, and now Frank feels kind of self-conscious of how bad his breath probably is.

“I’m not?” Frank asks.

“No, you’re not,” Gerard tells him.

“Oh,” Frank squeaks.

Gerard pulls away from him, leaving Frank feeling the slightest bit saddened that he didn’t kiss him. Frank has no idea when this became his way of thinking either. Gerard’s insanely good at making him rethink things. He can’t believe half of the things he’s done and said just because Gerard makes him feel comfortable.

He does though. Frank thinks that’s the best way to describe what Gerard is to him. Sure, the guy can put Frank on edge when he’s too close or when he makes silence too thick like every single instance that he’s buckled Frank’s seat belt, but at the same time, it’s a familiar kind of tension. One that’s not uncomfortable, just extremely heavy. Frank’s not sure he understands it, but he’s also pretty sure that he doesn’t have to understand it because all that matters is that Gerard makes him happier than he usually is.

Frank isn’t an overwhelmingly happy person, and he never really has been. Not since everything went dark, and he thinks he has every right to be able to think of the world in a very negative way because of the things that have happened to him, but then he’s with Gerard and it’s almost like he sees things. He can just picture the world, the way leaves look on trees, the way the sky looks with big puffy clouds, and he can almost see a face or two when he’s with Gerard. He knows that it’s all in his head, and that his sight isn’t actually getting better, but it’s because of the fact that it’s in his head that it’s so exciting. Gerard makes him feel a mile happier about existing, and it’s the best feeling in the world.

He doesn’t get it, and that’s okay. He just knows that he really likes it.

Gerard switches on the radio a minute later and Frank grins the minute Gerard starts to sing along. Frank’s pretty sure he knows the lyrics to half of the songs on the radio, even the bad ones. And when he doesn’t know the words he just mumbles along with passion. He fails quite often, but he does so with style.

Frank laughs at him, feeling the car’s engine start to rumble and he wishes he could see Gerard singing along. Frank imagines he’s the kind of guy who uses his hairbrush as a microphone. He also would love to hear Gerard try to sing a duet all by himself. Or maybe Bohemian Rhapsody.

“We just left a place with music, and you’re ready to blow your eardrums out even more?” Frank asks.

“Damn right,” Gerard replies, “there’s no such thing as too much music.”

“You’re weird,” Frank sighs, shaking his head, but smiling all the same. He’s a little too caught up in it all that he’s surprised when he feels the car stop.

“Are we at my house?” Frank asks.

“Yep,” Gerard says, taking the keys out of the ignition, making the song stop abruptly.

“Oh,” Frank says.

“I’m going to walk you to the door, you know,” Gerard tells him.

“I figured,” Frank says. He unbuckles his own seat belt, and hears Gerard hurrying with his. Then Gerard’s running around to the other side of the car to beat Frank to it. He opens it for Frank and holds his hand out for him to hold.

“It’s not slippery, I’m fine,” Frank says.

“Yeah but maybe I just want to hold your hand.”

Frank smiles, but tries to hide it, because he doesn’t know when he started liking the cheesy things coming out of Gerard’s mouth, but he knows that he does definitely like to hear it.

Gerard brings him to the front door, and Frank can tell he’s probably waiting for Frank to tell him to leave.

“You know I gotta give you a goodnight kiss,” Gerard says.

“No, not out here,” Frank says, “it’s cold, our lips might freeze together.”

“I don’t see how that would be a bad thing,” Gerard replies.

“You’re annoying, and I wanted you to hang out for a while, so just, come in, okay?” Frank says, and he takes his key, unlocking the door after a few failed attempts. He’s then pulling Gerard in behind him, trying to be quiet because he knows his mom is probably sleeping.

“Fucking freezing,” Frank mumbles when he realizes how much warmer it is inside the house than it is out there.

Gerard takes Frank's coat from him and hangs it up and then his own right after. Frank hears a noise in the distance and turns towards it. Gerard notices and notes that the kitchen light is on. Frank walks forward and into the room that he knows is the kitchen.

"Frankie!" Frank's mother says in mock shock, and Frank would roll his eyes if he could. "Oh! Gerard too! How nice."

Gerard smiles at Frank's mom.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping mom?"

"I just wanted to make sure you got home safely, Frankie."

"Well here I am. In one piece and happy. You don't need to worry any longer. You can go to bed now," Frank rushes out as he tries to get his mother to go in her room.

"Now wait a minute. How was your date?"

"Date? Who says it was a date?"

"You do Frankie."

"It was," Frank sighs, admitting it to his mother and Gerard smiles. It warms his heart that Frank isn't going to fight this with his mother.

"So how was it?"

"It was very fun and loud. I got to hear some great music and listen with some people who I don’t want to keep their toes. All in all we had tons of fun," Frank sighs and continues on. "Now I was just thinking that maybe Gerard could hang out here with me a little longer. Maybe past three in the morning."

She and Gerard both look at each other with shocked expressions on their faces. In seconds Frank gets this overwhelming feeling that they're both staring at him and he's right.

"I-I think that would be okay with me. Um, let me just get out of your way. You can make some snacks and watch television if you want."

"I think we're just going to go to my room," Frank says with a little twinge of embarrassment. He wasn't planning for anything to happen but he's sure all of their brains wandered to that tangent anyway.

"Oh! Well alright then."

“Shit, I... uh,” Frank drifts off, “oh god, I don’t know.”

“I’ll just leave you two,” Frank’s mother says, and Frank internally cringes at how suggestive that had sounded.

“We could watch a movie?” Frank says, but Gerard’s already dragging them into Frank’s room, and he doesn’t stop it. He knows that Gerard knows him well enough to know that that had all been inadvertent, but he’s still humiliated about it.

“I like that your mom loves me,” Gerard says, closing the door to Frank’s room.

“I don’t know why,” Frank says, “She never trusts anyone, not even me, but she’ll let you get away with fucking anything! She’d let you take me to a biker bar if you asked.”

“Aw, she trusts you,” Gerard says, “She’s just nervous that you might get hurt.”

Gerard pulls him over to Frank’s bed and sits down, against the headboard, moving the pillow out of the way so that he doesn’t sit on it. He then gets Frank to sit next to him, and wraps his arm around Frank’s shoulder.

“She doesn’t trust me very much,” Frank says, “I don’t know what it is about you, but she just lets you do anything. Gerard, I don’t think I’d have even be allowed to date if it weren’t you.”

“No, I don’t think you’re giving her enough credit. It’s not easy, I imagine, Frank, you’re quite a handful. Like, I can’t even begin to understand how tough it must be to want to give your kid everything, but only be able to give him so little.”

“But she does trust you more,” Frank says.

“I think what you construe as trusting me more, is just her believing that I won’t let anyone hurt you. She trusts you more, Frank, we both know that, but she knows I’m not going to let you do something that could end up hurting you.”

“So does this mean you’re on alert so that I don’t walk into traffic, because I have been known to do that? It’s fun making people shit themselves while they worry.”

“You would not,” Gerard says skeptically.

“I have, and I will do it again. I’m smarter than people give me credit for. It’s easy to figure out where things are just by listening to them. Like a bat or something. That whole echolocation thing.”

“I keep telling you that you’re a superhero.”

"Yeah, well. I am kind of special."

"You are."

Frank gets quiet and stands up to go over to his dresser. He opens his correct drawer and pulls out a pair of pajama pants. He throws them on his bed and goes to the next drawer. He pulls out a shirt and throws that one on his bed to. Frank walks over to his closet and opens the door when his hand catches the knob finally. He kicks his shoes off inside and then closes the door back.

"I'm going to change my clothes. Maybe you should turn around or leave for a second."

“Why?” Gerard asks, “Are you modest?”

“Gerard, I’m not just going to give you a strip tease, okay?” Frank says. “And if you think I would, then you’re delusional.

“You’re just cute that’s all,” Gerard says, “It’s not like I’ve never seen you shirtless.”

“Yeah, but last time you got all weird about it. Just put a pillow over your head,” Frank says, “And I will know if you peek, okay?”

“Alright, if you want,” Gerard says, grabbing the pillow he’d just moved and putting it over his head.

Frank hears him say something muffled, and asks, “What?”

“I just said that your pillow smells nice. Like shampoo.”

“Well there’s probably a good reason for that,” Frank says, pulling his shirt over his head.

“I suppose your right, but it smells nice anyway. You smell nice.”

Frank rolls his eyes, and finishes pulling his pants on, so he then goes back to sit next to Gerard. Gerard wraps his hands around Frank’s stomach and puts his head on Frank’s shoulder, which makes Frank believe that he’s probably never been more content. Gerard’s really warm, and Frank could die like this.

“What kind of shampoo do you use?” Gerard asks.

“Boy you really know how to do small talk.”

“It’s just really nice. Mine smells like chemicals, I don’t like it.”

“I wouldn’t know,” Frank says, “in case you forgot, I can’t read the label on shampoo bottles.”

“Well there’s one benefit then. Because before I take pain killers I always accidentally read the bottle and then worry that I’m going to die for like seven hours,” Gerard says.

“That totally makes up for how difficult my life is, why did I never realize that?”

“Hey, no need to get snippy, I was just saying that it was one benefit,” Gerard says, “I would never claim to know how hard it is to be you.”

“It’s kind of nice having you here though,” Frank says, smiling. Gerard kisses his cheek, and Frank still wonders when his body will stop burning wherever Gerard kisses him. It’s still a good kind of burning, and Frank honestly hopes that it’ll never go away, but he also feels like it’s way too emotional a reaction.

“What are you thinking right now?” Gerard asks.

“What?”

“You’ve got this look on your face like you’re thinking. What are you thinking about?”

“I don’t know, just you, and me, and shitty cliché stuff like that. You know what annoys me? Hipsters who put annoyingly romantic quotes on pictures of sun flares and stuff, but right now, I feel like one of them, because all I keep thinking are stupid quotes. Like my head is just one giant Taylor Swift lyric.”

“I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I’m going to say good,” Gerard says.

“Yes, very,” Frank nods, “because there’s no denying that some lyrics just get it right, and I’m just really happy right now. I will rip out your teeth individually with a pair of pliers if you ever tell anyone that, but I am pretty happy.”

“It’s very good that you always remind me of things like that, otherwise I’d probably tell everyone in the world how cute you are. I’d buy a skywriter. Then again, I’d probably only succeed in making literally everyone on the planet jealous.”

“You’re a walking Taylor Swift quote yourself. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, I don’t have any reason to dislike her, but you have to understand how cheesy you are. Gerard, you’re the dream guy in every high school movie in the world. You’re that guy that the girl has a crush on and talks about to her friends and one day bumps into the girl, making her drop her books and then you help her pick them up, and you stare deeply into each other’s eyes. That’s you, you’re that guy.”

“Well than what does that make you?” Gerard asks.

“Me?” Frank asks, “I suppose I’m the girl whose mom recently died and sits in my room all day playing guitar but refusing to ever play in front of other people even though my friends all insist I’m great. I’m the girl who’s ‘not like the other girls’, because I don’t shop at Forever 21 or something. I’m the girl with little to no personality whose only purpose in the movie is to end up with Mr. Perfect and his dazzlingly bright teeth.”

“Oh no, well I guess I can’t be him, because my teeth have a shit ton of coffee stains,” Gerard says.

“Gerard, when will you ever learn how this works? I’m blind, okay, so you can tell me literally anything you want and I’m just going to have to believe it. Tell me you have yellow eyes and blue skin and I can’t prove you wrong. So if you say you’re teeth blind small children I’ll just have to tell you that that’s very impolite, coming from a blind person, I think you should stop blinding small people.”

Gerard laughs, and nuzzles the back of Frank’s neck, which in turn makes Frank’s heart do some jump roping and forces him to giggle. Why the fuck does Gerard have to be so perfect?

"You almost make me hate how perfect you are."

"I'm far from perfect." Gerard protests, because he's never felt like he was. Gerard's not the golden child. He doesn't have a bunch of friends and a ton of people flocking around him wanting his number. He's the lonely boy that works at a comic store who hits on boys who can't see how much of a lame loser he is. Well just the one boy, but it’s enough. Frank doesn’t see him as the loser he is.

"I think you are even if you aren't. You think how you do about me, so I'm entitled to do the same."

"I know, but I still say I'm a nobody."

"Nah, I disagree."

"Why?"

"Because you're my boyfriend, so that makes you somebody. And you know what I want that somebody to do right now?"

"What?"

"I want you to lay down with me."

"I'd never object to that."

Gerard lets Frank go so they can maneuver themselves on Frank's bed. They lay down facing each other and Frank sighs. This is so insane when he thinks about it. How is this his real life? How is Frank lying in bed with someone who actually invests most of his time in him?

"It's still so unbelievable that you're here with me." Frank speaks softly into the darkness.

"You have no idea how much I feel the same way."

“Do you know what your brother is probably thinking right now?” Frank asks.

“Frank, there will never be a time in my life where I would ever even think about considering what goes on in that kid’s freaky little mind,” Gerard replies, and Frank laughs. He gets a little closer to Gerard, letting his head rest in the nook under Gerard’s neck.

Frank’s never understood the appeal of cuddling. Never. He has never once thought the idea sounded nice in any way. He would think that you’d get really sweaty because having someone pressed up against you would make you really warm. He would think that you’d be forced to have your arm in some uncomfortable position, and one of your body parts might fall asleep. So you might be trying to wake up your foot and in the process kick whoever you’re cuddling with and piss them off. And then there’s the fact that one of you will likely fall asleep, and what if you’re in an uncomfortable position? What if your arm is stuck under their body and you need to scratch your nose? What if they’re wrapped around you like an octopus and you realize you need to pee? There’s so many things that could and probably will go wrong that Frank just thinks it’s a stupid practice altogether.

But then there’s Gerard.

Frank could write a book, he could write a series of books actually, filled with all of the things he thought would be awful that Gerard has now proved him wrong on. He thought having a boyfriend would be awful. Wrong. He thought kissing someone would be awful. Wrong. He thought kissing someone would be really gross. Wrong. A little right, but mostly wrong. It would be really gross if it weren’t Gerard he was kissing. He thought cuddling would be awful. Wrong. Frank never wants to move from this spot ever again. He wants Gerard to hold him really close, and he wants Gerard to run his fingers along Frank’s back. He just wants Gerard. All that he can give him, Frank wants it.

“He and Brendon are probably talking about you and me right now,” Frank says, sighing.

“Yeah, or maybe they’re talking about the cute weathergirl on channel five. Or they’re talking about Mad Max, or Pringles, or any number of other things. They like to tease us, Frank, sure, but you know Mikey and Brendon, and those other two guys, they just want you to be happy. You know that right?”

“What do you think my mom thinks we’re doing? Oh god,” Frank says, putting his head against Gerard’s chest like if he hides from the idea it’ll just go away.

“You worry too much,” Gerard says, “relax, okay? No one thinks lesser of you because you and I are together.”

“Well I could think of a few people who probably wouldn’t want you and me together. And by a few I mean a mass majority of the population.”

“Frank, don’t talk like that,” Gerard says, “screw anyone who doesn’t like it. They’ll never get to understand what you mean to me.”

“I’m going to say something that also comes with a warning that if it leaves this room, you will not see the light of day again, just like me. And that is that I think it’s worth it to be with you. I think it’s worth being teased by Mikey. It’s worth all the shitty stuff, because right now, right now with you, and all the other times with you, I feel safe. I feel like Odysseus finally coming home whenever you hold me. And despite how much I like you, I will still murder you if you repeat that to anyone.”

Gerard grins, and holds Frank tighter.

“Why is it that you have such a bravado you need to maintain? What’s wrong with just being Frank? Just being this Frank, the one who’s cute and sweet and was a poet in another life. What’s wrong with him?”

“He’s the one who let me become blind,” Frank says.

Gerard gets quiet for a moment. He leans down a little and kisses Frank's forehead.

"Yeah, and he's the one I also don't think I ever want to live without."

"You don't really know that Frank."

"I'll spend the rest of my days trying to learn him. This is day one, right here, right now. I'm learning what a beautiful person he is in addition to this cynical Frank."

"Why are you so set on making me smile?" Frank whispers into Gerard's neck, and Gerard hears the smile in his voice.

"I told you, I love seeing you smile. It's beautiful and I just can't get enough of it."

Frank lifts his head and Gerard moves back a little. Gerard takes off Frank's glasses and sits them on his desk. He turns back to Frank and pushes his hair behind his ear. Frank moves closer to Gerard's face and Gerard meets him the rest of the way, connecting their lips for what feels like the hundredth time that day. Not that either of them are complaining.

Frank sighs into the kiss and runs his free hand up Gerard's body until his hand is in his soft hair. Frank pulls Gerard into the kiss more, and opens his mouth inviting Gerard's tongue inside. Gerard happily takes the invitation as he slides his tongue inside of Frank's mouth to mingle with his. Gerard's whole body trembles with the feeling of Frank close to him and kissing him so intimately. Gerard always felt he'd get Frank, but he never thought it would actually happen. Feeling something and knowing are two different things, but he's so happy it's reality.

Gerard pulls back and runs his hand down Frank's face. Frank's panting into Gerard's face and Gerard loves it. Frank's breath ghosting over his lips reminds him just how close they are and how he makes Frank feel.

"I'll never get tired of us leaving each other breathless." Gerard admits.

"I have to agree with you there. If I never breathe again I'd be happy knowing it was because of the way you make me feel."

Gerard giggles, biting his lip and feeling complete and pure joy, because this is Frank. It can never fully quite sink in, and that’s okay. It doesn’t have to sink in, Gerard just has to make sure to remember that this is his life, and it’s the happiest he’s ever been in it.

“Gerard?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that I wanted to be with you,” Frank says, and Gerard really can’t take it. He can’t take how happy he always is around Frank. It’s like he’s a glass full to the brim of happiness but Frank just keeps pouring in more. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get tired of it.

“That’s okay, Frankie.”

“No, I mean, I’m really sorry. I’m pretty annoying a lot of the time. Well, most of the time. I don’t know how you put up with it, really, but it means a lot that you do.”

“I like it when you’re trying to push people away. I don’t know why. I really shouldn’t like it, but I do.”

“Well then we make a good couple, because I like the way you do most of everything,” Frank says, blushing. He’s thankful that they’re alone.

Gerard lays down and kisses Frank's forehead again. "Hey, can you turn around?"

"You're pretty bold you know?"

"Haha, nah. I would never be that crude to you."

"I might like it. You'll never know," Frank gets up and rolls over. He lays down and snuggles into Gerard.

Gerard wraps his arm around Frank's middle, and Frank rests his arm on top of Gerard's. Gerard lays his face on top of Frank's in a comfortable way and he sighs. This is what his dreams have been made of and he's glad Frank's accepting it now.

"When I first saw you I knew you'd change my life." Gerard says. "I never thought I'd change yours too."

"Well you have... for the better. I'm glad I went to the mall that day. I'm happy I've met my comic boy."

Gerard squeezes Frank tightly and kisses him on his head.

"I'm glad I am a comic boy."