A Lovely Mess

John could remember his twenty first birthday with ease, despite the copious amounts of alcohol he had had. He remembered waking up days later, not feeling any older than eighteen. He had still felt young at that point. He had felt alive and well. Not only that, but he felt loved and he loved someone back. That was his favorite part about his twenty first birthday. It was the last time he had truly been in love. While he no longer wanted the person he had loved, he wanted the feeling.

When John woke up days after his twenty sixth birthday, he felt the complete opposite on almost every aspect. Instead of feeling young, alive, and well, he felt old, dead, and ill. The last two things, John felt. While he knew he wasn't anywhere close to being in love with Jamie, and he knew she didn't love him, he felt like he was in love, but he wasn't. It seemed insane to say that to himself out loud, but he did.

The moment he awoke and he saw Jamie there, sleeping in nothing but a thin coffee colored sheet, he felt whole. The way her blonde hair was strewn across his pillow and the light red color that adorned her neck from his kisses, it made him feel something he hadn't felt since he was twenty one. And when he saw her crinkle her nose, he couldn't help but smile because that always happened right before she woke up. John couldn't help but laugh as she fluttered her eyes open and yawned.

A giggle fell from her lips as she met eyes with John. She turned into him, curling her head into his tattooed chest. She murmured something that John didn't quite make out, but he didn't care. He didn't need to know what she said. He pulled at her waist, tugging her bare body over his and she laughed again.

Maybe it was the fact that she was only twenty one. Maybe it was the spark of life in her eyes that hadn't quite burned out yet, despite the fact that it was dull and quickly fading. Maybe it her innocent look (even though John knew she was far from innocent). Whatever it was about Jamie that made him feel something again, he didn't care, he was just happy for it.

Just as John began to move up and kiss the girl, his phone began to ring, which made him groan loudly. Jamie sighed while shifting, reaching to get the iPhone from the charger on his nightstand. She squinted her eyes at the screen, not used to the brightness, and frowned. No words left her lips as she handed John the phone. He looked at the screen, his heart dropped, and he was barely able to catch the confusion in Jamie's eyes before she lifted her body off of his.

He slid his finger across the bottom of the screen and held the phone to his ear. "Hello?" he answered.

The voice on the other end greeted him, but John barely paid attention as he watched Jamie reach for a shirt on the floor. She slipped it over her body and disappeared into the attached restroom. "John? Are you there?"

Realizing he was still on the phone, John snatched his thoughts away from Jamie for a moment. "Yeah, sorry. What do you want, Christina?"

The girl scoffed on the line. "Well I was trying to be nice and I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I meant to call the other day, but I was in Brazil. I don't know if you heard, but I volunteered for-"

"For some shit I don't care about," he cut her off. "You might be fooling everyone else with this save the world bullshit, but I'm not buying it. You're still the same heartless, spoiled, pretentious, and self righteous drug addict that you've been the last eight years."

There was silence on the phone and John wished she had hung up, but he knew she didn't. "I'm trying to change, John. I thought you of all people would see that. You were there for three years of it, so don't act like you're high and mighty."

"I don't see it, Chris! You're not changing and you never will! That's why we broke up almost five years ago. You can pretend to be a different person all you want, but it'll never work."

"You changed, so why can't I?"

"Because you don't want to. I did. I wanted something more for myself and I got it. So please, just stop calling me and leave me alone. If you can actually manage to pull your head out of your ass and get clean, then maybe we can be acquaintances, but that's it. Goodbye, Christina."

Without giving her a chance to reply, John hung up the phone with a huff. He could feel the red on his face forming out of anger, but he tried to stop it. The last thing he wanted was for Jamie to see him angered over something that he should've been over. He was sick of it. He was sick of the same conversation that occurred twice a year. Each time she would call, once for his birthday and once on what should've been their anniversary, it was the same damn conversation. And he was done.

After putting his phone back down, he glanced at the doorway. He could see Jamie. She was standing in front of his sink, staring at herself. It was something that she did a lot, but not in a superficial way. It was in a confused way. A 'who the hell am I' kind of way. It worried him that she did that, but he never asked her about it.

John moved to the foot of the bed, the sheets barely covering his lap. Although he knew he shouldn't have been watching her like that, he couldn't help it. The things she did intrigued him. Each time she would stare in the mirror, she would look at her hands for a couple minutes, and then finally back away from the mirror. He always wondered what she saw.

The first couple days, he didn't see it. It took a little bit to notice it in her eyes and actions. There was something that scared Jamie, something that terrified her and that terrified him. When she was on the phone sometimes, she would get that look. If she was scrolling through a social network, she would every so often get it. Every day, at one eighteen in the afternoon, she would have a mood change. It was brief, but he always noticed it. There were constant, little things that made him puzzled him. He couldn't help but wonder what broke the girl.

Finally, after staring at her hands, she looked at John. She noticed he was watching her, and she tried to hide the slight blush of her cheeks. "John," she murmured.

He stood up, not bothering to put boxers or pants on, and walked behind her. "Yes, baby?"

"What do you see when you look at me?"

The way she asked was very serious. Her eyes refused to meet his in the mirror and she bit her lip. John thought for a moment. "I see you, Jamie. I see you for all that you are and all that you aren't. I see the fear in your eyes and the sparkle in your eye. I see the broken pieces of a past life in your chest and I see the hope for new life in your mind. I see the beautiful girl standing in front of me. I see the happiness that you give me and the fantastic smile you rarely share. I just... I see you."

She cocked her head to the side as she looked at herself once more. He watched as he glanced at the clock, noticing that it was one twenty in the afternoon. John hadn't realized before how late they had slept and he realized then that it might not have been Christina's name that had bothered her, it had been the time she saw when she picked up his phone.

Then suddenly, just like every day, she was back to her usual Jamie self again. She snapped out of the weird mood and smiled at John through the mirror. So badly John wanted to ask what happened, but he didn't want to push. Besides, he hadn't told her about Christina yet, so he knew he shouldn't assume she would tell him anything that personal.

He heard his phone go off again, which made him sigh. Jamie took his hand and dragged him into his bedroom. He thought she was going to reach for the phone or let him answer it, but instead she pushed him on the bed, then lightly pushed on his chest to lay him back. There was a coy smile playing on her lips as she reached towards her waist, grabbing the hem of her shirt. Slowly, and in a way that nearly made John convulse, she pulled the shirt from her body and threw it on the floor.

"Can I...," John swallowed, "answer my phone?" he asked, even though he had no intentions of answering it.

Jamie shook her head, leaning down to kiss John's neck. She let her lips press against the spot she quickly found out that drove him wild. His hands flew to her waist, pulling her closer to him. "You aren't doing anything... but me," she murmured.

~

The delicious smell of bacon floated through John's kitchen as he stood over the stove, flipping the greasy food over in the pan. He stood in nothing but a pair of basketball shorts while doing so, per Jamie's request. After flipping all the pieces, he glanced over his shoulder at her. Her back was covered in one of his plaid shirts, but he knew the front wasn't buttoned and he knew she wore just a small pair of panties beneath it, per his own request.

"How's the pancake mix coming, babe?" he asked her.

She waved the spoon at him. "I told you, I'm a master pancake mixer, leave me alone and do your thing over there."

John shook his head, laughing. He looked at the bacon, remembered that she didn't like it crisp, and began to pull the strips from the pan. Once it was all off the burning oil, he turned the stove off and moved the pan to a different burner so it could cool off.

"You know, we're probably considered pretty weird for doing this," she said.

His feet carried him closer to her and his hands went to her waist. She jumped a little, not expecting him to be so close. "Weird for doing what? Making breakfast at seven o'clock at night? I think it's not as weird as you think."

"I meant more like, we consider this meal our breakfast since we've been in bed all day and we're just now getting up. Normal people call it breakfast for dinner. We just call it breakfast."

"Well yeah, it's our first meal of the day, which is surprising to me because we've wasted... a lot of energy today so far."

Jamie shook her head as his comment, choosing to ignore it. She turned to face him, then wrapped her arms around his neck. He lifted her waist, putting her thin body on the counter top. "You know, we haven't had sex in your kitchen yet," she teased.

John's hand slid up her stomach. "Don't tempt me. Food sounds so delicious right now."

"You know what is delicious?" she murmured, reaching to her side for the spoon in the batter bowl. He cocked an eyebrow at her. His eyes followed her movements as she brought the spoon between them. She moved it closer to his mouth, as if to let him taste it, but then she dropped it between her breasts, letting the batter fall to her skin. She ran the spoon down her stomach. When she looked up at John, she smirked at him. "Me."

It only took seconds for John's mouth to fall to her skin. His tongue ran along her body, licking up every part of batter from her naval to her breasts. "Fuck, Jamie," he murmured, pulling her waist to the edge of the counter.

"God, really, you guys? We all eat in this fucking kitchen."

The couple jumped at the voice, followed by several pairs of footsteps. Jamie turned bright red as she pulled the plaid shirt across her chest, covering her body as best she could. She hid her face in John's chest as he laughed loudly.

Eric, the person the voice belonged to and John's best friend, along with several of John's band members, Kennedy, Garrett, and Pat, entered the kitchen. "Oh my god," Jamie murmured into John's chest.

He pulled her face out of his chest and smiled. "As much as I hate to say this, go put clothes on, baby girl."

She slid off the counter and pressed her mouth in a straight line. "Good to see you again, Jamie," Eric teased.

Rolling her eyes, and nodded. "Yeah, always a pleasure, Halvo." She glanced at the other three boys. "Hey guys. Uh, I'll be right back."

Once she disappeared into the bedroom, John ran his hand through his hair. "What the fuck are you guys doing here?" he asked his friends.

"Well you haven't answered your phone in like two days and we wanted to make sure you hadn't like died or something," Garrett answered.

Kennedy laughed next to him. "Yeah, but now we see what you've been up to."

"Now, I don't know about you guys, but that was almost hotter than porn, the whole licking the batter off her chest thing," Eric said.

John smacked his arm. "You watched that? Fucking weird, I swear," John groaned. "Don't tell her you saw that."

The boys all agreed. While John was angry they interrupted his erotic moment with Jamie, he didn't necessarily blame them for being worried about him. That was part of the reason he loved his friends so much, they were all really great. He was happy to have known them all for most of his life.

Moments later, Jamie came back into the kitchen. She had buttoned up the shirt and put on shorts. With her, she had a shirt for John, which he slipped on. Since she was fully dressed, she properly greeted the boys with hugs.

"So, other than wanting to make sure you guys were alive," Kennedy started, "there's a party tonight at Matt's place."

John started to object, as he and Jamie had made plans to do nothing the whole day, since she had work all day the following day. Before he could say anything, Jamie agreed to going. "Of course we'll be there," she said.

"Babe-" John started.

She shook her head at him. "It's okay, John," she cut off. "I'm going to go shower while you make me pancakes, yeah?"

With a sigh, John nodded. He touched her waist as she kissed him. His eyes trailed after her as she grabbed a piece of bacon and then went back into his bedroom.

"What was that about?" Pat asked softly.

"I don't know," John replied. "We made plans to stay in all night. I'll see you guys at Matt's later, I'm going to go talk to her."