Living in the Shadows of You

I have to get this over with before he gets back. I don't want him to interrupt the process. It will ruin everything. It's bad enough that we live together and that it's more than likely that he'll see me. I don't think I could handle it if I found him the way he is going to find me. But we've grown apart for some time now so it should be easier on him when he finds me.

As I sit on the bathroom floor with everything I need sitting across from me. Let's go down the check list.

Blade?
Check.

Sleeping pills?
Check.

Knife?
Check.

Whiskey?
Check.

I think that's it. Hopefully this will go quickly I don't want him to save me. I'm ready for this to be over. And right now there is no turning back. I can do this. I can do this. I have to do this. I need to do this. For my sanity. I must do this. Sanity. I am no longer sane. I lost that when he walked into my life? I have everything ready all that's left to do is say goodbye. You can do this Kellin. He'll be fine without you.

Dear Vic,
As hard as it is for me to write this, the time has come. I know that you wanted to be the one who saved me. And I tried to get better. I tried to let you save me, to fix me, but I was too broken. This past years have been amazing and I'm happy I could spend them with you but I couldn't help but hate you. Everything I loved about you I also hated. I hated how perfect you are. How your smile could warm the coldest hearts. How just by the look in your eyes you could make anyone smile. But I know that I love you because I fell for you. Hard.

You've been nothing but an amazing boyfriend these past six years. I smile at the memories of us that flood my brain. How we were just kids in love. Eight years ago when I ran into you in the halls while rushing to class, I figured you'd probably beat me or something because of how your rep was and I was shaking in fear. But you smiled and held out your hand to help me up. And just at that moment I fell for your smile. I mean who wouldn't? We became best friends after that. You had everyone wrapped around your finger. Girls would throw themselves at you, guys would dream to be the man that you are, sadly I was one of those guys.

We spent the rest of junior and senior year causing trouble. No one could stop us but I had one problem. I was in love with you and I thought it was pointless to be in love with your straight best friend. I started cutting the summer before senior year when you started dating that bitch Danielle.
I hate her because she was in the position that I wanted to be in. Everyone around is could see that I loved you. Everyone except you. When you guys broke up I was finally happy.

Two months before graduation you told me how you felt about me and it made my heart melt. My best friend, the guy I've been in love with for two fucking years is finally telling me that me loved me back. This being the happiest day of my life, I promised myself that I would stop cutting. And I did.

Until Jaime came in the picture. The jealousy of you I suppressed over the last couple of years surfaced because he was my friend first but you held all of his attention without even trying.

In the last few years I couldn't help but compare myself to you in every way. You were like a God in my eyes and I, a mere mortal. I was more broken then when we met.

When you came home that day and found me in the bathroom crying you asked why. But I ignored you. Until you came closer and saw my wrists bleeding. You cried so hard that day and I hated that you saw. I hated that I hurt you. I hated myself even more than I already did. As you cries you cleaned my wrist and wrapped them in bandages. I still hadn't said a word. But you kept asking me why. But I couldn't for words. After a few moments of silence you kissed my wrists and told me that you still thought I was beautiful and apologized. Even though I knew you were lying I was ugly and my scars made it worse.

You told me that you never realized how broken I was and you held me. I laughed and you looked at me like I was crazy and whispered in my ear that you'll fix me. You didn't want to lose me because although we were lovers I was still your best friend. I smiled and said what's so good about picking up the pieces.
That night was the worse night of my life.

Two months later I'm sitting here and I'm writing this letter to the man that I love. I want you to know that you mean the world to me. I'm sorry I couldn't be a better boyfriend. I'm sorry I have to do this but I can't live my life like this anymore. Tell everyone I love them. Vic baby this isn't your fault. I was broken beyond repair. Promise that you'll continue to live your life after all this is over. Promise not to do anything stupid. I love you forever and always.

-Love, Kellin

As I finish writing I could help the tears running down my face. I truly love him but this has to be done.
I take the bottle of whiskey and drink it until it's almost gone. The liquid burns the back of my throat but my sobbing is easing the pain.
My vision is getting blurred and I can barely see straight. Fuck. let's get this over with. I take the blade and run it across my wrists I don't know how deep or how many cuts I've made but I know that I there are a lot and some are not as deep as the others.
Vic is going to kill me when he sees this mess.
I take the whole bottle of sleeping pills. Downing it with the remaining whiskey.
Haha I'm already dead.
And finally this knife. I stab my self. In the stomach. Funny. I feel nothing.
Good bye Vic I love you.