Young Volcanoes

I really didn’t know why I did it.

Why I decided to take Mrs. Larson’s pills from the cabinet in the bathroom. Why I took all her pills.

That’s a lie. I do know.

I wanted to make the darkness disappear. That overwhelming feeling that the earth was swallowing me slowly and I just wanted it to end. I wanted to be put out of my misery. I wanted to stop feeling like I was not in control and feeling like I would never be able to escape the darkness.

And the feeling did go away.

For a moment at least, but then it was back and I felt even worse. Like somehow the universe was laughing at me, and I was the center of attention.

I hated it.

I also hated the way the doctor and nurses kept asking me what was wrong, why did something have to be wrong? Why couldn't it just be left at attempted suicide and let it go?

That maybe I was just feeling depressed and in that small amount of time the only thing I could think of doing was ending my life. But I knew that was a lie. Because I wasn’t just depressed, there was something else too. Something I couldn’t quite explain. Something that didn’t have a name, at least not yet.

"Does anybody in your family have a record for mental illness?" Dr. Richards asked.

"I wouldn't know."

"Have you ever thought of hurting yourself before now?"

I shrugged, I'd never had the urge to kill myself but I'd felt pretty down in the dumps before.

"Yes or no?"

"No." I replied firmly.

He wrote something on his notepad and looked back at me with a small smile almost as if he was trying to be encouraging. How nice.

"Do you feel like hurting yourself now?"

“No,” I replied glaring at him, hoping he wouldn’t catch me in my lie.

“What has changed?”

I raised my eyebrow and stared at him, “what do you mean?”

“Why did you feel like killing yourself last night but not today?”

I didn’t know how to reply, it felt like a trick question.

“The feeling passed.” I finally said, it seemed like a safe answer.

“What do you mean by that?”

“Sometimes I get this feeling, like a dark cloud that just comes over me and I can’t make it go away and then it’s gone and I feel okay, sometimes I even feel great and happy and then the darkness comes back.”

“So when you say you feel great and happy, would you describe it as a high?”

“Like a rush, like everything is perfect and I make plans for everything.”

He nodded and kept writing in his notepad.

“Are we done?” I asked hoping he would say yes.

“Yes, somebody else will come and see you later.” He gave a courteous nod and rose from his chair and exited my hospital room.

I sighed staring at the gloomy yellow walls, wishing I didn’t felt so miserable. I could feel the dark cloud growing.

“I hope you’re hungry for some pudding Mika,” a nurse said as she walked in with a tray of food.

I shook my head and looked the opposite direction of food.

After having my stomach pumped I couldn’t imagine having something in my stomach for a while.

“I’ll leave it here in case you do get hungry.”

“Has the hospital contacted my sister?” I asked her before she had the opportunity to turn around and leave.

“We contacted your social worker Mrs. Clark she said it’s best if your sister doesn’t know, you know to not stress her out.”

I nodded and brought the hospital sheets over my head. I really wanted to see her. I wanted to talk to her to tell her that I was sorry, hoping she would try to understand what I was going through. I wanted to cry but I stopped myself, I didn’t want anybody to think I was still in some kind of emotional distress. I just wanted to get out of this hospital and go back to my so called life.

I wanted to go back home to Mrs. Larson’s house even though I hated her and her house. I wanted to go back to school and I wanted to be outside playing soccer, but thanks to my stupidity I was stuck in this god forsaken hospital like some kind of criminal.

“Miss. Addams?” Somebody asked without knocking, as seeing as the door had to be open at all times. For security reasons, of course.

I brought the sheets down from my face and turned to look at the person, this time it was a woman but I knew she was here to ‘evaluate’ me as well.

“Yes?”

“I’m Doctor. Rosen, is it okay if I ask you some questions?”

“It’s not like I have a choice,” I mumbled and sat up.

Dr. Rosen didn’t acknowledge my previous statement and began to ask me a serious of questions much like Doctor. Richards, although their wordplay was slightly different.

“How many more of you guys are going to come?”

“Excuse me?”

“I know you guys are evaluating me, I just want to know how many more times I have to do this.”

She gave me a small smile almost as if she was trying to apologize, “It’s only I and Dr. Richards.”

“Is there anything wrong with me?”

“We’ll keep in touch Mika.” She kept smiling and stood from the chair, and walked out of the room.

Something deep in me told me that there was something wrong with me. That there was an answer as to why this darkness would come over me and I felt like I had no way out.