Thinking of You.

We met the summer after high school. Lord it was one of the best summers I’ve ever had. I mean I’d just graduated high school, and was just out enjoying my last bit of free time before I went away to college. And he was so interesting. He had this Mustang that we used to ride around in while we talked about everything. We talked about life, our futures, our families, our likes and dislikes, art, music, everything. It was the perfect summer romance, and kind of cliche in a way. I mean my life is far from a Nicholas Sparks book, but that summer it felt like one. I mean we got matching tattoos and everything. And for a while I actually thought he was the one.

Really we thought we were meant to be. We’d clicked right away and everything was comfortable. It was like perfect almost. But well things don’t stay perfect forever. Life caught up to us, and well when life catches up you just have to go with it. Because it doesn’t wait around for anyone, and it was one of those things that I couldn’t give up. I mean I had a plan, and I couldn’t ask him to give up the life he had either to follow me, while I lived my dreams but didn’t let him. It wasn’t fair. It was heartbreaking really though, leaving him.

I remember that last week we fought so much about it. He wanted me to go, but at the same time he didn’t, and I understood because I was being torn too. In the end though I knew I had to go. College was what I wanted to do, and I’d gotten into the school I wanted, everything was what I’d wanted, except he wasn’t there. Which was what we fought about. How if I really loved him I’d go to another school closer, or push it back a year or so, until everything was set and he was ready to move with me. But I couldn’t do it. I wanted to stay with him so bad, but I just couldn’t. I had put so much effort into getting into that school, and making my life the way I wanted it to that I couldn’t bring myself to push it back, or change anything in the plans.

But I should’ve. I should’ve told him that he meant more to me than just some silly summer fling. That I wanted him to come with me, and I would wait for him. Of course though I realized all this after I’d already left. And it was too late by then. It was too late for me to turn around and go running back to him. He’d probably already found someone else anyways. Or so I assumed given every time I tried to call him he didn’t answer. And eventually I gave up on calling. I gave up on ever being with him, and knew I had to move on. I was convinced that I’d find love again, and all would be well. Though he’d always hold a very special place in my heart.

“I know you’re not going to answer, you're probably off with someone else tonight. But I just wanted you to know, that I’m doing something really dumb again, and thinking about you. I’m sorry I left. It was stupid, and probably the biggest mistake of my life. But I did. I left and fucked everything up. And I just need you to know that I’m sorry. Anyways I guess I’ll get off here it’s getting kind of late. So well night.”

I had to leave him a message, I needed him to know that I was sorry. Even if I’d never get a reply, even though I would never see him again. I’d never hear his voice again, or laugh at another joke he made. We would never be together again, and things wouldn’t really turn out perfect for either of us. We’d already had the chance to have that perfect love people search for, and messed it up. And this wasn’t one of those things we’d get a second chance with. But I’d just needed to tell him I was sorry.