Assistants and Dearest

"Here's the bathroom, I guess we'll be sharing." I nodded slowly, looking at him with concern. He didn't sound too thrilled.

"Are you mad at me?" I asked meekly. Vic's eyes locked with mine, and then he shook his head.

"No, not at all...I just, this is a lot to take in..." I nodded, understanding him perfectly.

"Let's continue on." He said after a few seconds, dismissing.

He showed me the rest of the house and introduced me to Mike who's my age. Vic's dad left for work after awhile, and then Mike headed out to see his girlfriend I assume. Something about a girl named Alysha.

Vic led me back into his room, and I watched him sit down on the bed, motioning for me to sit too. I obliged, looking down at my feet. It wasn't until he spoke that I looked up

"Alright, here's the deal. I find it extremely risky and dangerous to have my boyfriend living in the same house as me. It's not that I dislike it, but I just don't trust myself either." He admitted. "Not that I want to, uh, yeah...But can i just set some ground rules?" I sighed.

"You and rules." I muttered.

"I'll take that as a yes." He dismissed my comment. "You're not allowed in my room unless I let you come in. Just because you're here without it being a secret doesn't limit the risk of us getting caught. You have to be friend and assistant here, not my boyfriend." I nodded, so he continued. "Also, I don't want you going through myself. I doubt you would, but I don't like my stuff being messed with."

"I won't bother it, I promise."

"Good, and most importantly..."

"Fucking?" I asked, in an somewhat teasing tone. I just couldn't help myself. Vic let out a frustrated sigh, quirking his eyebrows at me. I wiped the smirk off my face and looked away.

"Yeah, that." He said. "None of that, here anyways. It's not that I'm not open to do so, but I just don't feel like it's right unless you're with the person you-" He stopped himself. "Unless you're with a person you really care about and trust." I nodded, not really understanding. Since when did sex mean care and trust? "You understand, right?" He asked, reading my dumbfounded expression.

"Not really...." I admitted.

"Why don't you? Have you ever-"

"I don't know why and yes." I said quickly, trying to hide just how embarrassed I was. I failed though.

"You don't have to be embarrassed. But there was no connection?" I shook my head. "You and Oli?" I scrunched up my nose.

"Ew, no. He's not my type." Vic nodded, looking around while biting his lip.

"Can I ask who then?"

"Please don't make me talk about this..." I said warily.

"It's okay, you don't have to. I just hope to be someone you can always trust some day, but if you don't right now, it's okay."

Could I trust Vic?

We haven't known each other for a long time, but a lot of shit has happened, and it's kind of sped up our friendship and relationship. I do trust Vic, that isn't it at all. I'm afraid.

I'm afraid that if I tell him about myself and my history he'll realize I'm not good enough for him and leave, which is really, really not what I need. I also seem to get vulnerable in moments like this with him, which was good and bad I guess. It's good because it shows I can kind of let out the less flirtatious, serious Kellin, but the bad is exactly what I stated. I'm a fuck up, and i just know he's going to leave me someday. It's not his fault though.

"Fine." I said after awhile. "I just worry that you're not going to like me after I tell you about some of my history..."

"I could never dislike you." He said, squeezing my hand. It's a lie, he could and he will.

Someday, sometime. But for now, all is good.

"His name's Matty. I met him in high school and he was one of the very few people who could relate to me. I always thought he was attractive, and he must've thought the same. We kinda got into the high school relationship, the one where you were somewhat dating, but not necessarily. I really cared for Matty, and I think I might've even loved him, I don't know. Then, he kind of persuaded me to do some things that didn't sound to bad honestly. But it became constant. I always thought we did it for fun, but never because we cared for each other. I guess it never occurred to me. But then I found out he was screwing other guys, including me. I was just a part of his game. I felt used and dirty, I still do. And not too long ago, he came back. And he did it again. Made me trust him, but not necessarily like him. We ended up like we did every night. When he took me to the bed, I just couldn't bring myself to walk away..." Tears dripped from my eyes. It's hard to talk about Matty, and I don't think that will ever change. Vic looked at me dazed with a apologetic look on his face.

"Why did you let him do it to you again?" He asked.

"It was after you told me we couldn't be together. I just wasn't in my right mind."

"It was my-"

"No it wasn't. Don't say that Vic." I interupted, knowing he was going to blame himself. "You didn't know, I shouldn't have let him hurt me again. I guess I'm used to it by now."

"So that's why you don't understand..." I shrugged, but then nodded. "I get it. You cared so much for this guy, and then you found out you were being used, so you just got stuck on the idea that there wasn't supposed to be trust or care for each other in it. Like it was a game." I nodded once again.

"I'm so sorry Kellin, I promise you that's not what sex is supposed to be like."

"Yeah..."

"I feel bad for bringing this up."

"Don't, it's okay, really, I'm fine." I said half heartily, messing around with his fingers. He smiled before leaning over and kissing me.

"I like it when you're like this, you know, calm."

"Don't get used to it." I teased. Vic rolled his eyes at me.

"Anyways, other than that, I can't think of much." I looked around my new home, which was distasteful to think. "Oh yeah, we should probably unpack your stuff, did you leave anything there?"

"Just some clothes, the furniture and appliances were already owned my the complex."

"We'll get more clothes for you, let's go." I raised my eyebrows at him. "What?"

"I just got out of a break in where I could've died and you want me to go shopping?"

"Well, we don't have-"

"Thank you so much." I cut in, standing up and pulling him with me. I faced him and wrapped my arms around him, pulling him close against me. His body was warm, as it usually was. And for once, I felt entirely satisfied with the situation I was in right now. It was a genuine hug, one that happens on a rare occasion.

Vic wrapped his arms around me and just kind of stood there. He knew all I needed was his comfort, so he's was doing exactly what any boyfriend would do.

He's letting me fall in love with him.