Gal Pal Seduction (GPS)

Gal Pal Seduction (GPS)

"Do you notice a tone when she says recalculating?" The GPS had been with me for years giving me directions in a soothing Australian accent. She never failed to make me laugh when she said Bur Jer, as in Jury instead of In N' Out Burger. And her Spanish pronunciation of street names added a lightness to my day when I drove in Los Angeles. Once she even said, as we pulled up to the San Jose Airport, "Arriving at Society of Jesus International Airport." I knew she couldn't be Catholic mistaking those two abbreviations.
But something had changed. There was something creepy about the GPS now, in the last month. I imagined a woman there on the other end of the electronic line bouncing off satellites and judging me for thousands of miles. And that was before I knew what was happening and who was involved.
It started innocently enough. I have a hot new girlfriend and I programmed my GPS with her address and labeled it "Elizabeth, My Yummy Love."
If we went somewhere together we usually went in her car so it was weeks before she actually heard what the GPS said when programmed for her house.
"Did you see that," Elizabeth (YE for short) said one day as we pulled up to her house, "Someone is in the black car across the street and why are the windows tinted?"
"Can you even see in the car? It is probably nothing to do with us." I felt relatively safe in this neighborhood.
But, and this is not the weirdest part, randomly the next time I was in my car programming the GPS as it triangulated the new location it said, "Stop Here, Stop Now!" and then I heard voices coming from it like a garbled phone conversation where the person on the other end is in a car travelling through the mountains with bad reception. I could have sworn that I heard something that sounded like, "My yummy love."
None of it made sense because I was on my way to the Women's bookstore on the other side of town. When I got there the woman at the front counter, I didn't know her name but I recognized her said, "Do you know the sales code for the discount of the day?"
"No, what are you talking about?"
"My Yummy Love," she winked at me.
"What?"I said wondering if I had heard her correctly.
"My I am bummed out. Love our Facebook marketing but it doesn't seem to be working. No one seems to know the daily discount code today."
A little freaked out and sure I had heard her the first time, I left with a copy of Year of The Poet which I hadn't intended to buy.
At Trader Joe's, I stopped in for some chocolate and thought about the joke, where the genie turns a man into a box of chocolates when his third wish is to be irresistible to women.
As I stood deciding which chocolate bar to buy, a woman said, "Are you Elizabeth?" I turned and saw she was talking to someone else. But the woman shook her head no and said, "My! Yummy! Love these chocolates", and smiled at me as if she had made a joke. I suddenly remembered that chocolate makes your clothes shrink and ran out of the store without buying anything.
The seat of my car felt warm on this cool fall day like someone had been sitting in it right up until I got in. I turned on the GPS and as I went to press the "Elizabeth, My Yummy Love" button, it said again, "Stop Now, Stop Here" and added "Delete."
I am not really one for conspiracy theory stuff but all of this happened in the month after I programmed my GPS with my new girlfriend's name and address. And it stopped just as suddenly when I deleted the entry. Even the tone of the GPS's voice as she says recalculating seems better now. I think she was jealous and told someone, maybe several some ones about My Yummy Love.