All or Nothing

Sirius Black was a rebel—always had been. He’d been the black sheep of his family for years, now, not wanting to complete his studies and never truly understanding why his parents were so obsessed with the Dark Arts. It all came to a head once he was sorted into Gryffindor in his first year at Hogwarts and began associating with the supposed blood-traitor, James Potter, like he was proud to be in the lion house.

As if that wasn’t enough, Sirius’ second best friend, Remus Lupin, happened to be a werewolf—what Orion and Walburga Black would consider to be a filthy half-breed and what Sirius considered to be the most fantastic and beautiful boy in his year, or really, in the entire school.

Quiet but brilliant, Sirius was enamored by him and had been since first year.

Remus was another Gryffindor and shared a dormitory with Sirius, James, and Peter Pettigrew, a small, plump boy who followed the two former around as if they were gods. Peter wasn’t very bright, but he was fair company and good for ego boosts (not that James or Sirius really needed any extra help in that area), so they allowed him to tag along on all of their misadventures.

When he was young, Sirius passed his fascination with Remus off as pure curiosity. He was a werewolf, after all, and he was a half-blood wizard, something that Blacks weren’t actually familiar with despite how often they talked negatively toward them.

As he got older, however, Sirius gradually came to terms with the fact that his slight obsession with the werewolf wasn’t as innocent as he originally thought.

He craved Remus’ attention all the time. He wanted the chance to tuck his long honey hair behind his ear and lay his head in the other boy’s lap when he and the rest of The Marauders were hanging out in the common room. He wanted to pay for his butterbeer at The Three Broomsticks and hold hands on snowy days in Hogsmeade, and these were the desires that weren’t fueled by his hormones.

Sirius supposed that this was probably his biggest rebellion against his family. Not only was he a Gryffindor, but a gay Gryffindor, attracted to a werewolf of all people. His mother and father would surely disown him if he came out to them, and Sirius wouldn’t be surprised if his younger brother, Regulus, did as well. He would be a disgrace to the Noble and most Ancient House of Black.

It didn’t take his coming out for Sirius to get kicked out of Grimmauld Place, though. After a particularly nasty fight with Walburga Black (one that resulted in her throwing several vases at him), Sirius packed his trunk and flew on his broom to the Potters’ where he practically collapsed in James’ bedroom and told him everything—how terrible his parents were, how they wanted him to follow the rising Dark Lord, Voldemort, and how he had a hopeless crush on their best mate.

James eyed him with nothing but sympathy for a while then cracked a crooked grin that Sirius wanted to slap off of his face.

“You think I didn’t know about your little crush on Moony? Come on, Sirius. It’s not like you’re being subtle about it.” Potter slugged him in the arm, chuckling.

Wiping what would have been embarrassing tears had he been with anyone else from his face, Sirius spluttered, “W-what do you mean? I haven’t told anyone, and it’s not like I’ve been molesting him in his sleep!”

The bespectacled boy was still smiling. “Well, yeah, but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t picked up on it—the longing stares while he’s reading for Transfiguration or how you always want to sit next to him, as close as possible without actually touching him. I have very keen observation skills, Black.”

Sirius groaned, covering his face with his hands and letting out a muffled, “Sweet Merlin, does that mean he knows, too? He’s way more perceptive than you.”

“True, but he hasn’t mentioned anything to me.” Sirius’ heart sunk on its own accord, and the boy wished he could curse it for doing so. “Keep in mind, though, he hasn’t exactly moved away from you. Plus, he laughs at all your jokes, and believe me when I say that you are not that funny, mate.”

It was Sirius’ turn to punch the other boy, but the words of encouragement made him feel a little better.

“But I mean, do you think he’s, you know—into blokes?”

James shrugged. “No idea, but he hasn’t dated any girls since we’ve been in school.”

Thinking back on their five years at Hogwarts, the raven-haired boy nodded in agreement. “You’re right.”

“I usually am.”

Sirius leaned back against his friend’s bed, relaxing a bit for the first time since he had arrived at the Potters’ residence. He thought long and hard about the information he had just divulged while James played with his stupid Golden Snitch.

After easily catching it for the umpteenth time, he turned his attention back to the basket case of a boy in front of him. “So, are you gonna do anything about it?”

“About what?”

“Moony! Are you gonna talk to him about it or ask him out for a romantic rendezvous?”

Sirius lunged for him, and James narrowly avoided the assault, hopping up and laughing raucously. “You’re just upset because you know that’s exactly what you want to do, Padfoot!”

He narrowed his eyes at his friend but quickly gave up on looking angry since James was right—it’s exactly what he wanted to do.

Deflating a bit and leaning back, Sirius crossed his arms. “Maybe I’m just meant to be an outcast,” he sighed, “Gryffindor, queer, what else?”

“Oh, please,” James sat down across from him again. “There are so many people who have it worse than you. Moony, for example.” Sirius glanced up. “So give it a shot and ask him out, and if it works out, at least you’ll both have something to be happy about.”

James Potter usually didn’t give good advice, but this one time, Sirius thought that, just maybe, he’d listen to him.