All or Nothing

Sirius stared blankly up at the ceiling above him. His stomach was in knots and his heart felt like it was dying inside of his chest.

Remus was mad at him—like, really mad. It was their first real row since getting together, and Sirius was absolutely terrified that it could actually be the end of things. What if they couldn’t patch it all up?

It was all his fault. Sirius just had this habit of flirting. It came naturally to him. He was a charmer, simple as that, and he couldn’t help it if he had girls chasing him everywhere he went.

His boyfriend didn’t take too kindly too it, though, or really, he didn’t take too kindly to seeing Sirius grinning crookedly and tucking a lock of Marlene McKinnon’s hair behind her ear. The handsome boy had turned just in time to see Remus glare at him, then turn and stomp back off toward the boys’ dorm.

“Rem, babe, you know it’s nothing real. She helped me in Charms this entire year!” He tried when he ran up the stairs after him.

“Nothing, hah!” Remus laughed humorlessly. “Is that what this is, then? Am I just another hole for you to fuck?” He was angry, and it being the night before a full moon wasn’t helping matters.

“No, Christ, you know you’re not!”

The lycan paced back and forth, pushing his long hair from his eyes. “I’m so stupid, so bloody stupid, thinking you could actually like me.” He was muttering to himself, letting out another small laugh.

Sirius stepped over to him, putting his hands on the taller boy’s shoulders and stilling him for a moment. “Remus, of course I like you. I lo—“

“No!” The amber-eyed boy shoved Sirius away, nearly bruising his chest with his building strength. “You know what, Sirius? Just fuck off. Go back to Marlene. Play with her bloody hair and fuck her on the common room couch. I don’t even care!”

When Sirius took a step toward him, Remus held up a hand. “Don’t. I’m hurt. I’m angry. And, if you say one more thing, I will hurt you.”

The other Gryffindor opened his mouth, but the look Remus shot him made him close it again. Defeated, Sirius turned away and walked out of the dorm.

That had been the last day of term, and on the train ride home, Remus sat in a compartment with Frank Longbottom and his fiancé, Alice while Sirius was stuck sitting with James and Peter, the former wearing an annoyed expression for the entire duration of the trip.

Now, back at the Potters’, James was still being short with him—“I can’t believe you’d do that! You can’t just throw yourself around anymore! Moony has a soft heart!”—and Sirius was nearly drowning in self-pity.

He didn’t really see what the big deal was. Sirius was Sirius. He was the good-looking one out of the group, the one all the girls and women swooned at, and Remus had met him like that. He’d been friends with that Sirius.

He could understand that it could hurt someone, but he had thought that Remus would at least trust him enough to not actually cheat on him. Sirius may have been a tease, but he was still loyal.

Sighing, the young man sat up and crossed his legs, resting his head in his hands.

The last thing he wanted was for Remus to be hurt, and it was even worse knowing that he was the cause of his pain. So far, the werewolf hadn’t answered any of his letters, not one sign that he was even still alive.

Sirius remembered the last time Remus was this angry—back when he had told Snape about the Whomping Willow and nearly got him killed. Remus had stayed in the infirmary for four days without even looking at Sirius when he came to visit. No matter how much chocolate he had brought him, Remus would just turn his head away and shut his eyes.

It upset Sirius so much that he had snuck out of the dorms to go to the hospital wing and ended up crying at his best friend’s bedside, apologizing and promising to never do anything like that again. He would never use his disease against him, as a weapon, or at all. It was a curse, Remus had told him, not a gift or a game.

The sun began waning in James’ bedroom, and Sirius’ stomach continued churning. He thought long and hard, trying to gather his thoughts, then decided that he would try one last time. He would write to Remus one last time, and if he didn’t reply, then he would just have to see him at the start of term.

Getting up, he walked over to James’ desk and pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill. It took him a while to get started, drops of ink hitting the page as he sat with the pen poised over it.

Moony,

I know you don’t want to talk to me. I mean, clearly, as you haven’t replied to any of my other letters, but I still need to say this.

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You’ve taught me so much about acceptance, strength, and love. Without you, I’m positive that I would be just like the rest of my family.

Knowing you has saved me from that, and I can’t thank you enough, Remus.

But I know I’ve screwed up and I’m so incredibly sorry for hurting you. I’m still learning. I’m trying to do my best to be everything you want, but I’m going to make mistakes sometimes.

I’m not ready for this to end. It just started and the past few months have been the best in my life. I’ve never felt this way about anyone.

If you take anything away from this letter, it should be that I love you. I’m in love with you and I’m sorry. Just please forgive me and write me back.

Padfoot

Peeling the skin off of his bottom lip, he folded the parchment and stuffed it into an envelope. His own owl was perched on a bedpost and fluttered over, holding out his leg. Sirius tied the small package to it then opened James’ bedroom window. He watched as the light-feathered bird flew toward the horizon, the backs of his eyes stinging.

“Come on, Remus. Talk to me.”