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Rikers Island Jail Football Program
2012 Season Outlook: Rikers Island Inmates
2012 Season Outlook: Rikers Island Inmates
Head Coach: Connie Jenkins (0-0)
Offensive Coordinator: Claude Newman
Defensive Coordinator: Sue Flenderson
Conference: N/A
SOS: F
2011 Season Record: N/A
Championships: 0
Preview
One word to describe the outlook of the Rikers Island Inmates is bleak! A large number of their current roster has yet to even finish high school, much less letter at the varsity level all four years. Much of the roster has also burned out their brain with horrible substances that has further impaired their IQ. Their head coach is the widow of a famous prison warden, and she knows nothing about football. Her assistant coach and offensive coordinator, Claude Newman, is a drunken hillbilly. Her defensive coordinator is a 50 year old former mall cop man with the name of Sue Flenderson, who names a boy Sue?? This circus act will do good to run one play right, much less score. I predict them losing by at least 100 points at least 5 times this season.
Grade: F-
Offensive Outlook
Claude Newman comes to this team with absolutely no experience calling offense. When asked about what schemes he would run, he mumbled incoherently and laughed and winked. Newman’s ability to effectively communicate with…anyone may be a challenge. If Newman is really the play calling wizard that this team desperately needs, then he needs to find a way to cut out booze, and also learn how to talk.
Head Coach Connie Jenkins on the other hand is a very powerful speaker, much like her late husband “The Warden” was. Connie may or may not have what it takes for the head coaching job but her drive and ambition will likely lead her to the right person soon enough. Judging by the way that she has conducted herself over the last several years, I think she would gladly step down if it was in the best interest of the team.
So if Connie can somehow keep this ship afloat until she can convince a coach to join her cause, I believe she would have succeeded as a coach. As for her outlook this season. 0 wins, 0 points, 0 first downs, and 0 plays ran correctly….
Quarterback Outlook
The starting job has been awarded to Wallace Brunner. Brunner, who is awaiting trial for robbing vending machines, has the most experience on the team. Brunner was on the roster for a Pee Wee football team that won the league championship as a kid. However, Brunner did not finish the season with them as he was kicked off the team for stealing the team snacks. However, considering the fact that the closest competition is Gary Donaldson, expect to see A LOT of Brunner.
Donaldson had a pet snake in high school and when it bit him, Donaldson tried to take it back for a full refund. When the shopkeeper refused, Donaldson brutally assaulted him and tried to get the snake to bite the knocked out employee. An interesting side note is that Donaldson swears that the non-poisionous green snake that he bought bit him and left his left hand lame. He only plays with one hand, and he swears he has no feeling in his left hand due to a green snake bite…. So yeah… expect a lot of Wallace Brunner this season!
Grade: F-
Running back Outlook
Assembling a decent running back group is nearly impossible for this ‘clown-show’ of a football team. However, Connie Jenkins was creative in who she chose so we will see if her creativity pays off.
Terrance Horton figures to be the main ball carrier. Horton’s path to Rikers Island includes him trying to keep way too many bass after a fishing trip. There were regulations as to how many bass a person can keep each day, and Horton had 8 coolers full in his truck. Once the cops rolled up behind him on the highway and flashed their lights, Horton panicked and floored his compact truck. Horton’s high speed chase lasted for hours before he finally crashed into a lake (ironically) Horton’s high speed driving skills demonstrated good agility and vision so let’s hope it translates to the football field.
Blair McCormick will see time in the backfield as well. Since the age of 12, McCormick has been in and out of jail for the same thing, streaking. He claims to get a rush from streaking, so he caves and streaks around in public places. McCormick once made it a whole hour in a crowded mall before being tackled down the escalator by former mall cop and now Rikers Island defensive coordinator, Sue Flenderson.
Horton and McCormick will see most of the action, but Head Coach Connie Jenkins raved about Skip Clay a lot in her preseason press conference. He’s absolutely terrible but she loves his passion and work ethic. I bet she tries to find ways to work Clay into the offense, which will likely be painful to watch.
Grade: F-
Fullback Outlook
Don’t expect either FB on the roster to make much of an impact. Head Coach Connie Jenkins wants to spread the offense out and work the ball to the WRs and get it to the HBs in space so there really is no need for much FB discussion. Marshall Eaton is slated to be their starter, however, reserve FB Ted Cleveland’s story of how he ended up in jail is extremely interesting.
He pulled a knife on a Walmart employee and fully intended to rob every last cash register in the store without being caught somehow…. We see that it didn’t work out for him. For the sake of entertainment, I hope Cleveland finds a way to win the starting job for being arrested for something so ridiculous.
Grade: F
Wide Receiver Outlook
What kind of football team has WRs without talent, athletic ability, or the ability to actually catch a pass? We’re going to find out this season watching Rikers Island because they have just that.
This is the poorest group of WRs I’ve ever attempted to grade. I know powder puff defenses that could shut these guys down. Head Coach Connie Jenkins swears by Jim Rust. Rust is 37 years old…that’s right…37! He’s out of shape, and slow. Oh yeah, he also couldn’t catch a cold in the winter. Coach Jenkins said all of the right things like he has passion etc, but it’s clear that even she knows that they are screwed if Rust is indeed their guy.
Devon Howard looks the part at 6’4 but he has smoked A LOT of pot over the years. Proudly bragging about smoking non-stop since age 8, the now 28 year old Howard moves in slow motion with even slower reaction time. Oh, and he also can’t catch, so he pretty much sucks….
Kelechi Walters will start the year off as the slot WR. With a name like Kelechi, I knew he had to be an epic person, but sadly he is in jail for becoming beligerant at a shopkeeper when he refused to take his year old expired coupons. After 5 arrests for the same thing, they sent Kelechi to Rikers Island to see if he could break this streak of angry yelling about expired coupons at the SAME shopkeeper in the SAME WEEK!
Grade: Non-Scoreable…Too Bad!
Tight end Outlook
If you thought the WR group was bad, wait until you see this sorry bunch of TEs. Josiah Vickers somehow won the starting spot. At 247 pounds, Vickers knows how to eat. Vickers came to Rikers Island following an arrest for coming into the window of a McDonald’s drive-thru at 10:45am in the morning because they had stopped serving breakfast.
The outraged Vickers was still drunk from the night before and climbed through the window, visciously swinging at the fry cooks. His attack continued before a customer (current defensive coordinator Sue Flenderson) knocked him unconscious with the plastic life sized Ronald McDonald that was on display in the dining area. Vickers wouldn’t wake up until hours later when he was sitting in a jail cell. Flenderson won an award for his bravery in knocking out Vickers, one he still proudly displays in his coaching office. Trevor Blanchard may get some time as a blocker, but Vickers was the only receiving TE that Head Coach Connie Jenkins mentioned in the preseason preview.
Grade: Absolute Zero
Offensive Line Outlook
Rikers Island did suitably well finding fat guys who way the right amount to play on the offensive line. However, none of these bums are in shape, skilled, or possess any knowledge of blocking schemes. This terrible line would be exposed even if they were up against a powder puff girls elementary school team.
The roster states that Anton Swain starts at LT. Swain stole not one bait car, not two bait cars…but 3 bait cars! He’s been on the Nationally Televised TV Show ‘Bait Car’ 3 times…. Wow…. Ernest Goodman gets the start at LG. Goodman was a good man in society until he decided to throw punches at the church pastor one Sunday for saying he was a sinner. The police arrived and Goodman tried to blame it on being ‘moved by the spirit’ but they didn’t buy it. Goodman getting mad at that point and throwing punches at the officer didn’t help his case either….
Steve Wilson is the starting C. Wilson ended up at Rikers for stealing a little girl scout’s wagon full of Girl Scout Cookies. Wilson was caught by police only a block up the road as he fled from the cops on foot while still pulling the wagon. Even as they tackled him he still tried to snag a box. The cops returned the wagon to the girl, purchased a box, and ate cookies from the box in front of the winded and hungry Wilson.
Shaun Ingram is the starting RG. Ingram was the laughing stock of Rikers Island for the longest time because he robbed a gas station with a tube sock full of rolled quarters, but as he ran out he realized that he locked his keys in the getaway car. Ingram could only wait until the cops showed up. He did try to fight them off with the sock full of quarters but he was quickly tazed and arrested.
Rhema Stovall gets the start at RT. Stovall is solid muscle, yet he has incredible anger issues. His arrest came from him going rouge at a YMCA gym and throwing free weights at people working out. He said that he felt judged. The police arrived and got into a standoff that lasted for hours as this muscled up maniac hurled heavy weights towards the door. Thankfully, he is a total idiot and surrendered once all of the racks were empty because he was “out of ammo.” As you can see, we’re dealing with incredible IQ on the O-line….
Grade: F-
Head Coach: Connie Jenkins (0-0)
Offensive Coordinator: Claude Newman
Defensive Coordinator: Sue Flenderson
Conference: N/A
SOS: F
2011 Season Record: N/A
Championships: 0
Preview
One word to describe the outlook of the Rikers Island Inmates is bleak! A large number of their current roster has yet to even finish high school, much less letter at the varsity level all four years. Much of the roster has also burned out their brain with horrible substances that has further impaired their IQ. Their head coach is the widow of a famous prison warden, and she knows nothing about football. Her assistant coach and offensive coordinator, Claude Newman, is a drunken hillbilly. Her defensive coordinator is a 50 year old former mall cop man with the name of Sue Flenderson, who names a boy Sue?? This circus act will do good to run one play right, much less score. I predict them losing by at least 100 points at least 5 times this season.
Grade: F-
Offensive Outlook
Claude Newman comes to this team with absolutely no experience calling offense. When asked about what schemes he would run, he mumbled incoherently and laughed and winked. Newman’s ability to effectively communicate with…anyone may be a challenge. If Newman is really the play calling wizard that this team desperately needs, then he needs to find a way to cut out booze, and also learn how to talk.
Head Coach Connie Jenkins on the other hand is a very powerful speaker, much like her late husband “The Warden” was. Connie may or may not have what it takes for the head coaching job but her drive and ambition will likely lead her to the right person soon enough. Judging by the way that she has conducted herself over the last several years, I think she would gladly step down if it was in the best interest of the team.
So if Connie can somehow keep this ship afloat until she can convince a coach to join her cause, I believe she would have succeeded as a coach. As for her outlook this season. 0 wins, 0 points, 0 first downs, and 0 plays ran correctly….
Quarterback Outlook
The starting job has been awarded to Wallace Brunner. Brunner, who is awaiting trial for robbing vending machines, has the most experience on the team. Brunner was on the roster for a Pee Wee football team that won the league championship as a kid. However, Brunner did not finish the season with them as he was kicked off the team for stealing the team snacks. However, considering the fact that the closest competition is Gary Donaldson, expect to see A LOT of Brunner.
Donaldson had a pet snake in high school and when it bit him, Donaldson tried to take it back for a full refund. When the shopkeeper refused, Donaldson brutally assaulted him and tried to get the snake to bite the knocked out employee. An interesting side note is that Donaldson swears that the non-poisionous green snake that he bought bit him and left his left hand lame. He only plays with one hand, and he swears he has no feeling in his left hand due to a green snake bite…. So yeah… expect a lot of Wallace Brunner this season!
Grade: F-
Running back Outlook
Assembling a decent running back group is nearly impossible for this ‘clown-show’ of a football team. However, Connie Jenkins was creative in who she chose so we will see if her creativity pays off.
Terrance Horton figures to be the main ball carrier. Horton’s path to Rikers Island includes him trying to keep way too many bass after a fishing trip. There were regulations as to how many bass a person can keep each day, and Horton had 8 coolers full in his truck. Once the cops rolled up behind him on the highway and flashed their lights, Horton panicked and floored his compact truck. Horton’s high speed chase lasted for hours before he finally crashed into a lake (ironically) Horton’s high speed driving skills demonstrated good agility and vision so let’s hope it translates to the football field.
Blair McCormick will see time in the backfield as well. Since the age of 12, McCormick has been in and out of jail for the same thing, streaking. He claims to get a rush from streaking, so he caves and streaks around in public places. McCormick once made it a whole hour in a crowded mall before being tackled down the escalator by former mall cop and now Rikers Island defensive coordinator, Sue Flenderson.
Horton and McCormick will see most of the action, but Head Coach Connie Jenkins raved about Skip Clay a lot in her preseason press conference. He’s absolutely terrible but she loves his passion and work ethic. I bet she tries to find ways to work Clay into the offense, which will likely be painful to watch.
Grade: F-
Fullback Outlook
Don’t expect either FB on the roster to make much of an impact. Head Coach Connie Jenkins wants to spread the offense out and work the ball to the WRs and get it to the HBs in space so there really is no need for much FB discussion. Marshall Eaton is slated to be their starter, however, reserve FB Ted Cleveland’s story of how he ended up in jail is extremely interesting.
He pulled a knife on a Walmart employee and fully intended to rob every last cash register in the store without being caught somehow…. We see that it didn’t work out for him. For the sake of entertainment, I hope Cleveland finds a way to win the starting job for being arrested for something so ridiculous.
Grade: F
Wide Receiver Outlook
What kind of football team has WRs without talent, athletic ability, or the ability to actually catch a pass? We’re going to find out this season watching Rikers Island because they have just that.
This is the poorest group of WRs I’ve ever attempted to grade. I know powder puff defenses that could shut these guys down. Head Coach Connie Jenkins swears by Jim Rust. Rust is 37 years old…that’s right…37! He’s out of shape, and slow. Oh yeah, he also couldn’t catch a cold in the winter. Coach Jenkins said all of the right things like he has passion etc, but it’s clear that even she knows that they are screwed if Rust is indeed their guy.
Devon Howard looks the part at 6’4 but he has smoked A LOT of pot over the years. Proudly bragging about smoking non-stop since age 8, the now 28 year old Howard moves in slow motion with even slower reaction time. Oh, and he also can’t catch, so he pretty much sucks….
Kelechi Walters will start the year off as the slot WR. With a name like Kelechi, I knew he had to be an epic person, but sadly he is in jail for becoming beligerant at a shopkeeper when he refused to take his year old expired coupons. After 5 arrests for the same thing, they sent Kelechi to Rikers Island to see if he could break this streak of angry yelling about expired coupons at the SAME shopkeeper in the SAME WEEK!
Grade: Non-Scoreable…Too Bad!
Tight end Outlook
If you thought the WR group was bad, wait until you see this sorry bunch of TEs. Josiah Vickers somehow won the starting spot. At 247 pounds, Vickers knows how to eat. Vickers came to Rikers Island following an arrest for coming into the window of a McDonald’s drive-thru at 10:45am in the morning because they had stopped serving breakfast.
The outraged Vickers was still drunk from the night before and climbed through the window, visciously swinging at the fry cooks. His attack continued before a customer (current defensive coordinator Sue Flenderson) knocked him unconscious with the plastic life sized Ronald McDonald that was on display in the dining area. Vickers wouldn’t wake up until hours later when he was sitting in a jail cell. Flenderson won an award for his bravery in knocking out Vickers, one he still proudly displays in his coaching office. Trevor Blanchard may get some time as a blocker, but Vickers was the only receiving TE that Head Coach Connie Jenkins mentioned in the preseason preview.
Grade: Absolute Zero
Offensive Line Outlook
Rikers Island did suitably well finding fat guys who way the right amount to play on the offensive line. However, none of these bums are in shape, skilled, or possess any knowledge of blocking schemes. This terrible line would be exposed even if they were up against a powder puff girls elementary school team.
The roster states that Anton Swain starts at LT. Swain stole not one bait car, not two bait cars…but 3 bait cars! He’s been on the Nationally Televised TV Show ‘Bait Car’ 3 times…. Wow…. Ernest Goodman gets the start at LG. Goodman was a good man in society until he decided to throw punches at the church pastor one Sunday for saying he was a sinner. The police arrived and Goodman tried to blame it on being ‘moved by the spirit’ but they didn’t buy it. Goodman getting mad at that point and throwing punches at the officer didn’t help his case either….
Steve Wilson is the starting C. Wilson ended up at Rikers for stealing a little girl scout’s wagon full of Girl Scout Cookies. Wilson was caught by police only a block up the road as he fled from the cops on foot while still pulling the wagon. Even as they tackled him he still tried to snag a box. The cops returned the wagon to the girl, purchased a box, and ate cookies from the box in front of the winded and hungry Wilson.
Shaun Ingram is the starting RG. Ingram was the laughing stock of Rikers Island for the longest time because he robbed a gas station with a tube sock full of rolled quarters, but as he ran out he realized that he locked his keys in the getaway car. Ingram could only wait until the cops showed up. He did try to fight them off with the sock full of quarters but he was quickly tazed and arrested.
Rhema Stovall gets the start at RT. Stovall is solid muscle, yet he has incredible anger issues. His arrest came from him going rouge at a YMCA gym and throwing free weights at people working out. He said that he felt judged. The police arrived and got into a standoff that lasted for hours as this muscled up maniac hurled heavy weights towards the door. Thankfully, he is a total idiot and surrendered once all of the racks were empty because he was “out of ammo.” As you can see, we’re dealing with incredible IQ on the O-line….
Grade: F-