Headfirst for Halos

I woke up in Gerard’s arms, the light coming in through the small window casting a gentle glow over his face. We were still laying in his bed, and it was peaceful; it was perfect.

We could be a perfect one last night and die like star-crossed lovers when we fight.

Gerard was also awake by now, but he didn’t say anything, we just laid there in the silence. Embracing it.

We stayed like this for another twelve minutes before Lindsey knocked on the door.
Gerard and I looked at each other slightly concerned and disappointed, before he sighed and carefully got off of the bed to open the door.

Lindsey walked in carrying a tray that held two plates, “You boys missed breakfast so I brought it for you two. Also Frank, your mother dropped by yesterday and I told her you made friends so she said she was going to drop by today and bring someone named ‘Pansy’?” She told us. Pansy? Wait, she visited me?

“Who’s Pansy?” Gerard asked me once we had begun our breakfast. And if I wasn’t mistaken, I would have sworn there was a hint of jealousy in his tone. If I could have, I would have been laughing my ass off.

I mouthed the word guitar to him and tried to act out the motion of strumming by using my eating utensils. He laughed, and then looked a little sheepish after apologising. It was hilarious how he seemed so relieved.

“So you play guitar?” he questioned, I nodded then he smiled “That’s great. You should totally be in a band someday.” I blushed, looking down at my lap, not really interested in the food placed before me.

I had never thought about being in a band; mainly because I literally have no friends.

Friends; the word was so peculiar and strange. Almost foreign. I had to start familiarizing myself with it. It seemed I was going to be here for a while; but at that moment I didn’t mind; I was with Gerard.

Friend. I smiled, this is the happiest I’ve been in a while. And I’m stuck in a hospital.
After we had finished breakfast we decided to go to the recreation room for a while, but that only ended up being a horrible idea.

We had been in the recreation room for about 15 minutes when someone had come up to Gerard; obviously trying to start something. It was a guy, but I didn’t know his name, and he was teasing Gerard about his artwork, trying to get a reaction out of him.

Luckily it wasn’t working, and Gerard wasn’t taking any of his shit, but it still sucked how I couldn’t even stand up for him.
“What about you huh? You deaf or something?” he snickered, getting up in my face. I just stared at him, beginning to feel uncomfortable under his patronising gaze. I think Gerard could sense it.

“Fuck off Bert, we’re minding our own business, okay?” Gerard tried to reason, pushing Bert out of our way; only for Bert to push back. I quickly looked around, searching for a doctor or nurse to put a stop to this, but there was no one in sight. I didn’t know what to do; in high school I used to just stay quiet and take the bullying, and the one time I want to speak up, I couldn’t even get a fucking word out.

Stand up fucking tall
Don't let them see your back
And take my fucking hand
And never be afraid again

I grabbed Gerard’s hand, stood up straight, and swiftly delivered a clean blow to his nose, causing him to stumble backwards and grab his nose, swearing profusely at me.

I was surprised at myself, I had no idea I could hit like that, let alone hit at all. That was so awesome.

“Whoa.” Gerard breathed from beside me, equally impressed.

“We better get out of here, before someone catches us.” He said, leading me back to my room, our fingers intertwined.

We were only really in my room for three minutes and six seconds before the door suddenly opened and in came Lindsey… my mother following behind her.

Gerard and I instantly stood up side-by-side. Our hands still linked, but hidden behind our backs.
I thought maybe we shouldn’t let them see our hands, but maybe they wouldn’t care.

“Who is this, Frank?” My mother asked motioning towards Gerard, “I’m Gerard, it’s nice to meet you Mrs..?”

“It’s Iero.” My mother replied, turning to me and raising an eyebrow. Oh god, this is awkward.

Almost instantly Gerard stuck out his hand to shake hers. You could literally cut the tension within the room with a knife. They shook hands then Gerard said “I should uh… um leave? Yeah, I will see you later Frankie.” Then he stepped out of the room awkwardly.

I sat back on my bed, my fingers picking nervously at invisible threads on the comforter, not quite knowing what to do. My mother and I had never really gotten along.

“Frankie, huh?” She questioned.

I simple shrugged, not really caring about what she thought.

We spent about thirty seven minutes chatting, although when I say we, it was literally just her talking away while I just nodded occasionally. By the end she returned Pansy to me along with a plastic bag that contained a pick and capo. I loved Pansy, she was a Christmas gift when I was sixteen; we were practically inseparable. Not long after she departed and I was once again alone, with nothing to do but aimlessly count the tiles in my roof.

After seven minutes and sixteen seconds of mindless thoughts, I heard a quiet knock at my door. It was Gerard. Black hair falling in his face. Hazel eyes…. Lips that just… shit. No. I waved him in, pushing those thoughts into the recess of my mind.

“Um, I saw your mother leave a bit ago and guessed it was safe for me to come back.” He said sheepishly when he reached the end of my bed.

I nodded, and we both fell back into the same position we were in before we had been interrupted.

We were in the midst of playing rock-paper-scissors when once again Lyndsey came into my room. It seemed that all that was happening today was us being interrupted.

“Naw, now isn’t that a cute sight.” She said after she placed her hands on her knees like she’s looking at two four year olds.

“Are we in trouble?” Gerard asked, confused.

“Fuck no. I came because Pete and Patrick were asking where you two were.” She explained. An ‘Oh’ escaped my mouth, “Would you like me to make an excuse?” She asked. We looked at each other simultaneously, “Uh, sure.” Gerard said.

“Okay, so Frank, your mother visited and Gerard went for a walk around the hospital.” She explained and we both nodded. “Okay, cool. I finish my shift soon so I’ll see you boys tomorrow.” She told us and was almost out the room when she saw Pansy in the corner, "Nice guitar Frank.”

“Thankyou.” I mouthed, a smile beginning to form on my face. I couldn’t wait to play her.

“Hey Frank, what are you planning to do when you get out?” He asked. I never actually thought about that or even when I was in school I didn’t know what I wanted to do after that.

I decided to make the motion of playing my guitar, indicating that I was interested in music.

“Oh, sweet! My brother Mikey plays bass, you two would totally get along together.” He suggested enthusiastically. Although I wasn’t entirely sure, I’m not too good at meeting new people, it was practically a miracle being friends with someone like Gerard.

But the thing was, we didn’t know how long we would be in here for, and so there was really no point in making plans for a future we could never actually be sure of. I mouthed this to Gerard.

“That’s true, but we may as well use the time we have in here.” He said quietly, giving my hand a gentle squeeze.

“You just have to trust that there can be a future that’s worth living to find out about Frankie.” He whispered, leaning in closer and playing with my hair.

I looked at him and he gazed back at me.

Trust the people who put the words in your head.

“Like seriously,” he said then shifted his body to face mine, “You can do anything, be anything you want when you get out of here, and you will get out of here. Because in your head, you can do whatever you want; you’re immortal Frank.”

How wrong we were to think that immortality meant never dying.

I knew that what he said was completely and utterly correct, but there was always going to be that thought, that little spark that tells me I’m not good enough, and I never wanted Gerard to see that.