Headfirst for Halos

I awoke to an eerie silence that seemed to seep throughout my bones and settle in my heart, a heavy weight upon my chest.

Staring up at the cracks in the ceiling I began to feel a horrible sense of loneliness, Gerard wasn't here, and I felt like I had no purpose without him. I had grown so dependent on him whilst being here, and now he needed me, but I was stuck here, while he was under suicide watch in the west wing of the hospital. Gerard, hurting himself; the mere thought made me want to be sick. And it frightened me to think of what may have happened had I not come looking for him.

That was it, the thought of losing Gerard was what started the attack. The panic beginning to bubble up inside me and threatening to crawl its way through my veins and up my throat. The walls seeming to close in, the white trying to suffocate me. Blind me even. I couldn't breathe, and my hands were shaking, my heart practically leaping out of my chest.

It seemed as if it had been an eternity when my laboured breathing finally seemed to settle down and the shaking had soon ceased; but in reality had probably only been a few minutes.

It was then that I realised how much Gerard actually meant to me, we hadn’t known each other for long, but already I could sense something about him, something I had never felt with anyone before in my whole life. It was different, but it was also welcomed.

I sat up on my bed swinging my legs over the side and resting my head in my hands; contemplating what I was going to do now. I felt like I couldn't take another day in this place. With the white walls, the sterile rooms, and the eyes that never seemed to stop watching you.

The next thing I know there’s a knocking on my door and I’m being led into a different section of the hospital for my therapy session. Great, just what I fucking need right now. In the room there’s a large mahogany desk with two chairs in front and a woman who looked to be in her twenties sitting behind the desk.

I nervously sat down, not sure how this was going to play out. Would she insistently question me? Would she patronize me? Pity me? Or just expect me to just unload all my problems onto her?

“So Frank, tell me what’s up?” she asked casually and leaned back into her chair. Oh, so she was taking the friendly approach.

oh me? I’m great. I replied sarcastically with my notepad whilst gawking at her hair. It was half red and half black; and kind of fucking awesome. I glanced down at the name plate sitting on the right corner of her desk, it read ‘Ashley Costello’.

Choosing to ignore my sarcasm, she said; “Gerard told me about how he was quite close friends with you.”

My mouth almost fell open in shock, he really said that?

really? I wrote, “You sound surprised?” she said, a perfect eyebrow arched.

no, I’m not surprised.. just, what did he say? I quickly wrote, trying not to sound too desperate.

She gave me a knowing look. “Well, he told me how you two met, which was quite cute if I do say so for myself,’ I found myself blushing at this, “And he went on to say about meeting some other people and… about how Helena-“

Elena. I cut in, holding my notepad up to her face.

‘Excuse me?’ she asked, confusion written across her face.

her name was Elena. I repeated, determination in my features as I wrote.

Her eyes widened, “Oh, well-“

She was interrupted by a loud banging on the door. “Come in.” Lindsey rushed towards the door in a hurried manor.

“It’s Gerard, he’s not allowing us to take blood.” A nurse spoke quick, distress lacing her features.
“Really? Again? Alright, frank, you’re coming with me to see Gerard.”

what, why? I wrote in confusion, I wasn't allowed to see Gerard.

“I have a feeling he will only listen to you.” Ashley said, and with that we were making our way towards the west wing of the hospital.

As we entered the room I was immediately met with a figure wrapping their arms around my neck in a strong embrace. It was Gerard, and he was crying. I hated the sight of him crying, because it made me want to cry, and if we were both crying nothing would ever be solved.

I started rubbing small, soothing circles along his back in an attempt to calm him down. I pulled him away from me gently and rested my arms on his shoulders at arm’s length and then mouthed the words what’s wrong?

“Th-they were, I d-don't like n-needles” he whispered, keeping his head down, causing his hair to fall in his face. Which I would have considered adorable if it weren’t for the current circumstances.

He was afraid of needles? Who would have known?

I looked back at Ashley, her eyes pleading for me to convince Gerard it would be okay.

I looked back at Gerard, who was continuing to have a mini-breakdown.

I grabbed out my notebook and quickly wrote they need to draw blood Gerard, it’s just a normal part of procedure, and I’ll be here with you the whole time.

He nodded quietly, grabbing my hand and squeezing it as the doctors began to put the strap around Gerard’s left arm to find a vein.

Every hour, on the hour, they drew blood

As I stared into his hazel eyes, the tick tock bang of the monitors seemed almost non-existent and before we knew it the doctor had finished and I was being led out of the room much to Gerard’s protest.

For the next half hour I felt utterly alone, Pete and Patrick were nowhere in sight and I found myself aimlessly roaming the deserted halls.

I had a sudden urge to go and play my guitar, so I decided to make my way back to my room. My room, it didn't even feel like my room, what with the walls being so bare; void of band posters. I missed my old room, and I couldn't wait to- suddenly I was pulled out of my thoughts by colliding with a solid object, or more like person.

It was Bert. Shit.

He smirked down at me. “Well well well, what do we have here mute?’

I took a step back, ready to run but I quickly found myself pressed up against the wall, the metal railing digging painfully against my lower back. Why was it every time I ran into Bert there was no one around to help?

I was brought back to reality when I felt a hand creeping up my shirt, and I immediately panicked. But that only resulted with being shoved against the wall harder, convincing me I’d have bruises by tomorrow.

“Gerard’s not here to help you now mute. You know, I was considering beating you to a pulp, but I couldn't help but imagine how your pretty little mouth would feel ar-“ he didn't get to finish because he was interrupted by a swift kick to the balls. He groaned out in pain, before slapping me in the face so hard I swore I saw stars.

“You little fucker, you’re going to get it now.” He sneered before showing me down to my knees and beginning to unzip his pants. I could barely think straight, but I knew what was about to happen, and I was absolutely fucking terrified.

I tried yelling out, but it only came out as a mangled groan, to which Bert silenced when his dick was suddenly down my throat and I was gagging, trying not to vomit. I couldn't breathe, and I began to struggle in fear but his grip on my head was too strong. I had never done this before, and the fact I was being forced only fuelled my fright.

From above me Bert was groaning, a string of profanities coming from his mouth. Tears ran down my face as I continued gagging, and I was sobbing by the time he had finished and held my nose and mouth shut whilst he had forced me to swallow. It was vile tasting and I wanted nothing more than to puke.

When he was done he roughly shoved me to the ground saying, “you know what, I think I might just test out the whole package.’ He leaned down and began to undo my zipper, and I did the only thing I could think of, I screamed.

Not only did the sound surprise myself but also Bert, who in shock, stepped back with wide eyes; ready to run. But the scream had caught at least someone’s attention and we were suddenly surrounded my nurses. And Bert was being restrained and taken away.

I curled up into a ball on the cold, hard white ground, continuing to sob. Why me? Was my last thought before I blacked out.