Cancer

He looks so small in the hospital bed. There are no hairs on his head; they’ve abandoned all his body. The sight makes you wince and cringe. It’s hard seeing the man you love this way, even harder knowing it’s not going to end.

“Bury me in all my favorite colors.”

Your eyes well up as he whispers it the fourth time; it hurts more every time. He’s the only one you ever loved. You helped his brother and the rest of his family gather all his things. Few precious things are going in there; his parents will keep the rest.

“The hardest part of this is leaving you.”

He keeps saying these things. He keeps whispering sweet nothings to you. You’re crying now. With every shuddering breath, his body quivers and you can tell the end is near. His lips are chapped and faded, and he keeps asking for a glass of water.

“If you could get me a drink of water.”

The glass of water on his bedside remains untouched, and he keeps asking for another. He can’t lift his arm to pick it up and drink it. He breathes your name hoarsely and the tears dribble faster down your face.

“Turn away, coz I’m awful just to see.”

Keeps telling you to look away from him. It is a horrifying sight, but you love him more than anything in the world. You can’t turn away. He asks you if you’ll be true and you nod slowly, more tears rolling down your sullen and pale cheeks.

“If you say good bye today.”

You’ll never say goodbye; you’ll never move on; you’ll never let go. He’s in agony, you know it well. Just want it to be over so he doesn’t hurt anymore, but you want him to keep hanging on so he won’t leave you.

“Bury me in all my favorite colors.”

A fifth time. You don’t know if you can take it anymore. He’ll never marry; you know it, he knows it. He won’t kiss you, or anyone. Can’t move, can barely speak. It’s terrifying and haunting to be there, though you don’t want to leave.

“The hardest part of this is leaving you.”

You don’t believe it. None of it is true, you tell yourself. But it is true, all of it, every word. His slightly blank hazel-green eyes move towards the top drawer and he asks you to open it. You do and you pull out a sheet of paper.

“I’m just soggy from the chemo.”

The chemo. It didn’t work; it made it worse. He’s still counting down the days to go, though there are few left. His finger twitches to the piece of paper in your hand, urging you to read it. It’s a photograph of you both, holding hands in the park.

“If you say good bye today.”

Your eyes well up again and you turn it over, reading the under-side. Heart starts beating as it sinks into your stomach. It’s a poem he wants reciting at his funeral; he wrote it for you to read to the crowd.

“Bury me in all my favorite colors.”

Those words.

“The hardest part of this is leaving you.”

Those words again.

“If you say good bye today.”

Those words yet again.

Staring blankly out the window, you listen to the heart monitor. The slow, soft, quiet beeping is the only remaining sound in the room, apart from yours and his breathing, and the beating of your breaking heart.

You say I shouldn’t cry…
That I’ll be okay after you’re gone.
How can you say such things?
I love you too much not to cry…

You say I shouldn’t mourn…
That it’ll just hurt me more.
How could I not grieve you?
I love you too much not to mourn…

You say I should cheer up…
That you’re going to be okay.
How can I live without you?
I love you too much to cheer up…

You say I should let go…
That I’ll somehow waste away.
How strong do you think I am?
I love you too much to let go…

You said I shouldn’t cry…
But I’m not okay now you’re gone.
How could you say such things?
I loved you too much not to cry…

His words echo around your head in ring in your ears as you read the poem through. Still, the tears flow. You don’t want to let him go. Arms wrapping round him, he runs his fingers through your hair as you sob into his bony chest.

“I just hope you know.”

Know what? The words flow through you and over you, not taking them in as you beg the Lord not to take him away from you. Praying for a miracle that’ll never happen. Making a wish that’ll never come true.

“Bury me in all my favorite colors.”

Your coffee lies cold on the table beside you; you can’t touch it, you can’t drink it. You can barely bear to even look at it. Knowing that you’re going to have to live your life without him, move on from all this. It hurts.

“If you say good bye today.”

Not moved. You haven’t slept, you haven’t eaten. Barely thinking and barely breathing, you’ve been by his side, holding his hand until the moment he leaves. You can’t think about life after this is over. It’s all too much for you and you break down.

“Turn away coz I‘m awful just to see.”

There’s no one there to help you up, so you keep crying into him, yelling that you can’t let go, you can’t move on, you can’t take it. No one hears you; no one but him. Tears roll from the corners of his pale and weathered eyes, rolling down his stony features.

“The hardest part of this is leaving you.”

His hand lies still on your head, and with one last shuddering breath, his body becomes still. His heart stops beating and his brain gives up. Shrill tones replace the constant beeping of the machine beside you. Doctors rush in but refrain from doing anything.

There’re no more words.

You plead with the doctors to do something, but they shake their heads and take out all his tubes and machines. Head hanging and shoulders slouching, you saunter to the window and look up at the sky. The tears still shine in your eyes.

He’s gone.

There’s nothing you can do about it. Sit back and wait for the funeral. The photo in your hand falls to the floor as you collapse with it. Nothing seems right anymore. It’s not right and it’s not fair; it’s all over. He’s gone forever; you’re all alone.