Behind the Sea

Everywhere I went the claustrophobia caught up with me.

The day after Zack had come to deliver the message from Alex I had seriously contemplated staying at home, but the constant questioning remarks from my mother about my lack of smiles and good mood, had begun to push me to the brink of insanity and thus I found myself in my place of refuge again.

I was stood knee deep in the warm ocean, letting the gentle waves hit my calves in some vain attempt to cool me down. The sun was still beating down as ferociously as the day before and I could not help but feel uninvited.

With a sigh I plunged my hand into the water and picked up a soggy handful of sand from the floor. I let the wet sand run through my fingers and fall back into the almost clear water where the fish and starfish roamed happily without a care in the world.

It was at that moment that I wished I could be as care free. In some respects even goldfish were enviable in my eyes, the rumour of only having a three second memory was something that I wish I had the capacity for. It would mean not having to think about what happened yesterday or even the day before that.

I could not help but think that, had Alex been with me and had I voiced my opinion of wanting to have a three second memory like a goldfish, he would have just laughed and informed me that goldfish actually have a three month memory.

But I was on my own and so there was no one to shoot my silly and ridiculous ideas down.

I felt like I was loosing my mind. Confusion was reigning in my head and dictating my mood so I became apathetic and indifferent to my surroundings, which only wanted to make me feel unwelcome anyway.

Despite the angry sun and vengeful heat I stayed put in the ocean, letting the rhythmic sound of the waves calm me down. I looked out at the horizon and saw heavy white clouds collecting. There was going to be a shifting of the weather, I could feel it in the restless swishing of the sand under my feet.

If anything it was pathetic fallacy. It was not only the sand that was restless; my mind was too. Two ideas were fighting with each other in my mind, each one pushing and clawing its way for dominance, yet I was too torn to make a final decision.

It dawned on me that Alex was the boy who had seen me when I thought I was invisible. He had been the one who had taken his time with me, he had been the one who had recognised me and he knew me. He didn't walk away like so many other people before him had when confronted with the difficult me.

During the time that I had spent with Alex, I had felt more alive than ever. It was a strange sensation knowing that you now had a reason to wake up in the morning. It gave me hope knowing that I was going to be seeing Alex on the beach.

As this realization settled into my brain I realized just how much I needed him and how much I really didn't want him to go away and leave me in Maryland with nothing to look forward. The summer would be over and so the time on the beach would also draw to a close. It was heartbreaking but I had to face up to the truth.

And so I made up my mind.

As I did, the heavy white clouds seemed to come closer and soon they were over me. A small drop of water from the sky landed on my cheek and rolled down it. It was defiantly not seawater. I looked up and before I knew what was happening I felt the rain fall on my face.

My resolution lay firm: tomorrow I was going to be at the pier and nothing was going to stop me.

I had to go and do what made me happy.