Equilibrium

I couldn’t keep my fingers still. I rubbed them together, tapped my leg with them and I even ran them through my ponytail over and over again. I couldn’t seem to find an outlet for the movement, so I continued to twitch as Gale led me to the top floor where the doors to the outside world were. I had not been outside since the day I was rushed into District Thirteen, and I desperately wondered what it looked like.

Stairs wound up to a flat platform at the top and large, metal double doors. Two men and a woman were standing there, dressed in the same uniform as Gale and myself. We were all in jean outfits, the soft material worn and looking as though it had faded. One of them had a gun strapped on his shoulder, his a few shades darker than the grainy sand of beaches. The woman had a close-cropped haircut, her black hair stick up in different angles. She had a very feminine face with sharp features and a single scar marring her left eye. The other man had tan skin and hair dark as the night with eyes green as sea-glass, a strange color.

The woman stuck out her hand to me first. She was much taller than I was with a pretty smile. I shook her hand firmly, impressed at the strength in her grip. “The name is Mara, you can call me Bones.”

I raised my brows. “Strange nickname.”

She grinned, pulling out a leather cord around her neck. White amulets hung on it, making me tilt my head as I examined them. It took me a moment to realize why her name was bones. “They’re my brothers,” she said, laughing at the discomfort in my face. “He died when we were young and they were all that was left when we burned the body.”

“That’s demented, you know that, right?”

Gale looked at me with alarm. “Lana-"

“No,” Bones said, waving him off and grinning. “It is demented. You’re honest. I like you. This is Sam,” she gestured to the man with the dark skin. He gave a short wave and nod of his head. She gestured to the tan man with the beautiful eyes. “That’s Crete.”

“Are you from four?” I asked suddenly, the question bursting to my lips. His skin was so tanned and rough-hewn and though his hair was dark as the night, there were parts of discolored-light in his hair. And his eyes looked so similar to many people in four, reflections of the sea.

Crete smiled once before nodding his head. “Yeah, I was. When the capitol came in for your family, some people got scared and ran. I lead as many as I could into district ten. From there we found people who were getting out to thirteen.”

“Did they harm four?”

He shook his head. “No, for the most part. But people there are scared and don’t know what to do. This is a revolution and they don’t know what side they’re on.”

I didn’t say anything else. I didn’t know what I was supposed to say. I was not a spokesperson for my district nor was I anyone to speak out for the place that I was raised in. District Four was a wealthy district, one that had been treated with relative kindness. I had not known oppression, mistreatment or malnutrition growing up like so many other districts. What I knew had only changed because of my placement in the games and my treatment as a victor.

It seemed selfish when I thought about it that way. How silly was it that I had never known the cruelty of the capitol just because I was not subject to it? How long had my ignorance blinded me before my own injustices woke me up? I felt silly then, following them out and not saying anything to any of them anymore.

Whatever I was expecting thirteen to look like, failed to fulfill what I saw as I stepped out of the doors leading to the ground. Fresh air crashed over my body as I stepped into the cool shadow of the mountainside I was on. I hesitated, looking around at the trees and the wood that surrounded me. Though I had never seen a forest save for the tropical forests in the arena, I knew that this was woodland, that these were mountains and woods and rock.

It was beautiful. Moss and grass and greenery grew everywhere as we walked down the carved slope in the side of the mountain, walking until we reached the flat, compact earth. Scars of the past were wrought on the surface, random walls of buildings standing or the occasional stone arch. They were all memoirs of the past now, standing old and withered.

Getting to the bottom, Crete pulled something out of a case I had hardly noticed he was carrying. I looked in surprised at the black weapon he gave me, a tilt to my lips as I took it from him. It was a long spear gun that was about five feet long, a black band on it and a metal harpoon down the middle. There was a handgrip and a trigger on it, all polished in black.

“A spear gun?” I asked, looking up and smiling at Crete. He was watching my reaction to the weapon, something that was extremely rare in four. In four, we had gotten used to tridents as a basic form of spearing fish, but the rare few who knew how to correctly use the guns had them; most of them fishermen. “Where did you get this?”

“Beetee wanted you to try it out. Finnick told him you knew how to use one, apparently. I myself haven’t even used them back in for. I have figured out a gun, though.” He patted the gun on his side, hanging by a strap. “Spearguns are hard to load and they’re slow. He said this one doesn’t have a line attacked, that the harpoon will shoot far and detach from the gun.”

My fingers traced it. It wasn’t overly large and it was well made. I wondered how Beetee even knew how to make one of the archaic weapons. They were primarily for shooting underwater, but I couldn’t see why it wouldn’t work on land either. The harpoon was deadly sharp, a broad-tipped arrowhead on it for land animals as opposed to a cone-tip for fish.

“We good to go?” It was Sam who asked. His voice was deeper than I had anticipated, a dark timbre that was surprisingly calm. We all nodded and he gestured for us to head out.

Next to me, Gale carried a crossbow. I looked up at him, grinning slightly. It was the first time I didn’t feel absolutely terrified over something, like at any moment I was about to die. I had never been hunting for something on land in my life, but I found that I liked walking under the sun and to the trees I had never seen before. It was a new experience and it was good to exercise myself and to prove that I wasn’t going to kill anyone on a whim.

Rocks crunched underneath my feet as we walked. I felt out of shape next to the three soldiers around me. I was panting as we walked uphill, the shade of the trees offering respite from the sun. My limbs were tired and the wounds I had suffered ached with phantom pains.

After twenty minutes of walking, Gale gestured to the weapon. “What is that thing, anyways? Crete didn’t really look like he knew how to work it either.”

“A spear gun,” I explained, holding it up for him to see the sleek make. “We almost never used them in four, but a few people had them from a long time ago. Somewhere down the line people got into using tridents again. Spear guns shoot much farther and require extreme accuracy.”

“And you had one?”

“My dad did. He taught me how to use it when I was younger. I have good aim; tridents and knives, that’s why I’m good at them. Once you learn to aim, you can learn to throw and aim.”

“Think you would be any good on a bow?”

“I’m not,” I promised with a short laugh. “Katniss with a bow, though? Now that is something worth talking about. She gave me pointers when we trained for-“ I hesitated. He nodded, understanding what I meant. “- I can only hit standstill targets. If they move, I can’t hit them. I don’t really understand the whole pull while moving thing.”

“I wouldn’t be able to throw a spear, so I see your point.”

We split up into groups, Crete, Sam and Bones hanging back. They insisted they weren’t the ones hunting, but were on security detail, to make sure that it was safe to go and that it was safe to be around me. As Gale and I took the lead, he told me different things about tracks, scents and finding water. I knew some of the parts about finding water, but everything else was new to me.

Everything around me smelled like earth and something musty I could not describe. It was different from four; there was no smell of salt or low tied, and there was no sand in the air when a breeze went through the forest. It was so different and amazing, but I also longed for the sound of the waves against the beach or the cry of the gulls nesting.

With pain, I missed Cain. I could feel his absence at all times, sometimes more than others. My panic was always there inside of me, waiting for the right time to present itself. I tried to stay busy and to listen to what Gale was saying but the more we talked about the forest, the more I wished Cain were experiencing it. The more I thought about Cain, the more my hands shook.

Gale held a finger to his lips. I studied him, wondering how it was that out of all the people in the seam, he was so strangely attractive. Katniss was not outstandingly beautiful. With her makeup that her team had done, she looked breathtaking. But without our stylists and our hair done, both of us looked plain and washed out, like we were bled of our color. Gale and Finnick both always looked vibrant.

Peering above a large tree that had fallen, it’s roots grasping at the sky, I followed Gale’s pointed finger. Up on a ridge slightly above us, a large, tan cat was pacing back and forth. I narrowed my eyes, looking at it as it paced, it’s tan fur glinting in the sun. It made a quick noise then, one that sounded like a snarl, the sound echoing off of the ridge walls and bouncing into the forest.

My vision blurred. I felt heat wash over me then as I staggered backwards, my heart rate picking up wildly. I remembered a time when it was dark; where it was so dark that I couldn’t see anything. I remembered the tree, the smell of the earth and the body heat of something crawling over me to make a kill just a few feet away from me.

Panic clawed at me as I whirled around. I didn’t know how to get back to the building. I didn’t even know if Gale knew how to get back. I couldn’t breathe, my hand flying to my chest and trying to open the collar of my shirt slightly for air. I was hot my skin sticky with sweat as I breathed in quickly. Gale was asking me something but I couldn’t hear him, blood roaring in my ears.

That was the same cat. It made the same noise as the predator in the Quarter Quell, it was the same beast that had prowled in the darkness, when I couldn’t see and hear anything, when I was completely surrounded by a void with no way to escape.

“Lana,” Gale called to me, walking towards me. I backed away from him, shaking my head and trying to pry the top of my shirt open to get cool. I needed air, I couldn’t breathe and I was shaking. No amount of breathing was helping. I needed oxygen, a breeze, anything to help me breathe. “Lana calm down.”

Gale reached out to me and I reacted. My body froze and I had the spear gun pointed at his chest. He was standing still, hands in the air at the tip of my weapon pressed against his shirt. I was no longer breathing hard; I held my breath. My hands shook but I squeezed hard on the handle of the gun, looking at Gale in terror and fear. Did he see the part of my quell with the cat? Was this supposed to be some sort of trick by Coin, to see me fall apart?”

“Lana, it’s okay.”

“Is this a joke to you?” I demanded. My finger was sliding towards the trigger. His eyes followed it with an acute stare. He licked his lips, shaking his head at me but I wasn’t looking at him anymore. I was looking around for the large cat. “Is this some sort of test? This isn’t funny, why would you do that to me?”

“Do what, Lana?”

“The cat!” My voice was loud enough to make him flinch. I didn’t move the spear gun, but my finger was on the trigger guard. The metal was gold on my finger, the familiar shape of it against my flesh. “Was that on purpose? Does she want me to be afraid why would she do that?”

“I don’t know anything about the cat, Lana.” Gale’s eyes darted to something above my head and I knew that the team was behind me. I could feel their weapons pointed at me as he silently stared at them. “She’s fine, lower your-"

“Are they doing to kill me?”

Gale looked at me. Something in his face changed and it softened. He still held his hands up, but he didn’t look so afraid, then. “No, Lana. They’re just worried because you’re pointing a weapon at me, okay. Bones, put the weapon down.”

“We have orders.”

“She isn’t going to kill me.”

Bones sounded strained. “Gale-"

“Lana isn’t going to hurt me.” Gale looked down at me. “Right Lana, we’re friends?”

My lips trembled and I swallowed hard. “We’re friends?” He nodded his head slowly. Friends didn’t let friends get hurt. He was speaking up for me, telling them that they didn’t need to shoot me in the head. I wondered how much they wanted to shoot me in the head, actually. “Friends don’t hurt friends.”

“That’s right.” He lowered his hands. I lowered the weapon, hand shaking so violently that I dropped it. “Friends don’t hurt friends.”