Equilibrium

The ocean was in my veins. It was rushing, strong and a natural force, breaking away at the beach and the rocks on the bluff. It churned and it was many, nameless shades. That was what loving Finnick did. It took what part of me I had left in a district far away, and put it back in me. I would never be apart from the way the ocean made me feel as long as Finnick loved me.

I was awake early. Finnick’s breathing was still even next to me, somewhere in his own world of sleep. His chest rose and fell, gold skin visible from the messily laid sheet. One hand was behind his head, a makeshift pillow on top of an actual pillow, while the other was across his stomach and over my waist.

My body clock told me the sun was not yet up. I had become accustomed to being bale to feel what time of the day it was. The air in the room was silent, a cold phantom dancing out of the vents. Despite the chilly air, Finnick was burning hot next to me, his entire body thrumming with heat.

I was comfortable. It didn’t matter, I couldn’t sleep. My lips were still bruised and swollen from the way that Finnick had kissed me, and if I brushed them with my fingers, they were slightly tender. But I wasn’t thinking about that either, as I lay awake next to peaceful Finnick.

All I could think about was Cain. My heart hurt so much every time his name was even a semblance of a thought- which was all the time. Cain. Cain. Cain. It was the same, low beat as my heart. It wouldn’t stop, a steady pulse that would not be ignored. I had become so accustomed to my mind whispering his name that sometimes I murmured it out loud. It came out different each time: sometimes a promise, sometimes a prayer, sometimes a plea.

I didn’t say his name aloud now, not when Finnick looked like he was actually at rest. It was so rare that people like us slept peacefully. The nightmare didn’t end when we went to sleep, the nightmare never stopped. Now my little brother had been woven into the nightmare, a single thread of many that made up the rope that was surely going to hang me in the end if I didn’t find a way out.

Finnick stirred next to me, blinking open his eyes, the first ray of light against the ocean. He looked at me and instantly his hands were tracing my cheekbones delicately. “What is it?” When I gave him a confused face, his brow knit together in worry. “Why are you crying?”

It hadn’t occurred to me that I was. I whipped the tears away quickly, sniffing and taking a deep breath. “How do I get him back?” Finnick’s face transformed from concern to broken, mirroring how I felt inside. “I don’t know how to get him back, Finnick.”

“We will get him back. Him and Mags both.”

Mags. In my own selfish, anguished-need for my brother to be returned to me, I had forgotten that my brother was not the only thing I was missing. Mags was there too, the woman who knew who I was to my core, and who would stop at nothing to make sure that Cain and I were okay. It was little comfort there to know she was there with Cain.

“Do not lose hope,” Finnick murmured, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “When a sailor is caught in a storm, does he cower and hide?” I shook my head. “No, he stands strong and waits for a break in the storm, for a lightning of the rain.”

“So we wait.”

“We stand strong, and look for the break in the storm. And we seize the opportunity.”

I nodded. Silence passed between us for a few even breaths. Everything was still quiet on our floor of thirteen. “Why are you always right?”

“There are many times I have been wrong.”

“Ah yes, take me through a trip of all the wrong turns you’ve made.” Finnick opened his mouth and I held up a finger, shifting next to him so that I was on my side and holding my head up with my hand. “I had to get comfy, now go.”

“I clearly made a mistake telling you I make mistakes.”

Over the next hour, Finnick tried to make me feel better. I could see the need in his eyes for my smiles to come easier and for the insane tension in my shoulders to let go. But the world remained buried in the crook of my neck, roots in my muscles.

“Do you think that Coin wants me dead?” the question seemed to catch him off guard. He thought about it for a while. “It just… what happened could be an accident.”

Finnick licked his lips. “This is the thing,” he said gently. “I know I can say this because it’s me. I don’t think that she sent you hunting to fail at it… I think that your paranoia makes things seem different. Will Coin kill you if you’re violent? Yes, I think so. But I don’t think she’s gunning for you.”

Breathing deeply, I closed my eyes. I thought about the way she sat across the room from me, looking at me with her strange colored eyes. I was sure that she wanted me dead and gone. I was sure that she hated me, that I was something she didn’t like. But there was nothing to make her think that way.

So why did I feel so cornered? Why did I feel in my bones that she wasn’t the only one who wanted me dead?

I thought back to the diagnosis by Doctor Marlin. One of the things he had told me was that I had acute paranoia. This came along with posttraumatic stress disorder. Perhaps President Coin wasn’t trying to set me up and kill me after all, but it sure as hell felt like it.

I had no idea what to believe.

“Life is so confusing,” I whispered. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel but I’m in a constant state of panic. It feels like my heart is going to explode sometimes.”

Finnick nodded. He stared at the ceiling. “I know what you mean. I can barely sleep when I’m not with you. I lay there staring at the door in complete and utter fear that someone is going to come through and try to kill me. I always wonder what I can use as a weapon.”

I began brushing my fingers through Finnick’s hair. His voice was shaking and the soft strokes seemed to calm him slightly. He leaned into the touch, quiet for a long time. “No one is going to come in and hurt you.” I curled into him. “And no one is going to hurt me. Let’s play a game.”

“What game?”

I smiled. “List three things that we hope to improve.”

“Okay…” he thought about it. “I want to be able to sit with my back to a door, to sleep better at night, and to find Cain.”

I smiled. “I want to manage my anger, try to relax, and also find Cain.”

We were in it together.