My Nightmare

Never having a nightmare is something I am proud of, if not entirely arrogant. It is entirely horrifying to feel the absence of the bubble of glass and the same room board that boat. I should be soaked through from the tornadoes, flurried from the wedding preparations and beautiful from the careful planning.

I can't believe I watched on in wretched horror as I was in plans to marry a man while the world outside collapsed and literally swayed beneath my feet. A man I already discussed about and found to not be my match. There was no land in my nightmare. No one except me and disembodied entities that should have been other humans. The voice of my mother was my only cold comfort. Hardly at all something I could feel warmth from as her voice was distant and unbiased toward my confusion and desperation.

Now I am awake. Cold and sad and tired of trying to gain a moment. One that can set me free of my miseries of being this old and unwed and lonely, while still remembering that I have work everyday, and yet still have missed these two days from illness and my mother is distant from me because she is trying to care for herself and someone more ill than myself while at every moment I find her unavailable and try to reach her still.

And upon reflection this dream is my inner turmoil.

The nightmarish thought of a sudden wedding to an unknown suitor, while I have no problem with an arranged marriage that is carefully thought out, I could not handle in my dream. Perhaps showing me I wish too hard to be married and too soon is this time for me.

Then with the unconnected parent that I have longed my entire life to gain motivation from I try to pull answers. This shows me that it has been indefinitely long since I trusted anyone in confidence, gained proper advice, felt alive, or felt real. I've been floating lethargically through life, hoping for a sudden marriage to someone amazing, while my ignorance is leading me to hurricanes of metaphoric destruction.

Then suddenly I am in a bundle of strong glass protection. The precursors of the destruction is a harsh rain that cannot reach me here. I watch the horizon now, the place I was so despairingly reaching as I stood mortified at the prospect of that wedding is now untouchable.

It is here that I can reflect, awake and alive now. With my soul and consciousness in my body I can recall that God has a plan. Allah the Most Merciful has not left me to float undirected in haste towards a horrific doom upon layers and layers of ocean without aid. I have a safe place, that room in the boat, and then the glass building by the ocean, that will always be here for me to keep the worst away while the world turns around me and shows destruction on every surface and horizon.

He is Al-Wali, the Protecting friend. He is Al-Hafiz, the Preserver.

And I am His slave, living this life and constantly forgetting that I have been guided. We all need a reminder. Sometimes it is the consuming shock of a nightmare.