The Way We Were

I’m not exactly sure what emotion I am feeling right now. When I first saw Jack sitting in the audience I had butterflies in my stomach. As much as I fight it, I do still love him. But I spent so long building up these walls to keep myself from feeling those emotions and letting myself be vulnerable toward him again. It’s because of that reason that I am livid at my sister. How could she not tell me that she invited Jack to the fashion show? She’s lucky that I am extremely professional because I could have ruined her big day as soon as I saw Jack sitting there staring at me. But I kept a smile on my face and walked that runway like the professional I am.

“How could you invite him?” I yelled at Avery once we did our final walk and the show was over. The back was crowded with models trying to get changed and the staff trying to collect all of the clothing from the models and put away. Fashion shows are always a complete chaos until the very end.

“Because he is my friend and he is family whether you like it or not. I wanted him here for my first show. This day is about me not about you.” she said trying to stay as calm as possible.

“See, I told you all that you should have told them.” Kendall said smugly. I looked over at her and glared.

“You fucking knew too?” There goes my professionalism out the window. Thank god this is her show and no one from Newman Designs was around to see a model yelling at the designer. I could be fired instantly. But I was just so angry at her. At both of them. I really would love to strangle them both.

“Considering that I came with him, yes.” she rolled her eyes. “He didn’t know you were modeling, obviously because he knows nothing about your life. And now he’s upset or so Kara says.”

“What do you mean you came with him?” I questioned. Why the hell was she with him? I knew that she still talks to Jack, but I didn’t know that they hung out. No wonder she was so late getting here.

“Exactly what I meant!” she threw her hands in the air. “Look you have to get used to us talking to him and the rest of the guys. Avery is dating Matt and I don’t foresee that changing anytime soon. And Jack has always been a big brother to me so stop whining about it and put your big girl pants on.” With that Kendall walked away and out of the backstage area.

“She’s right.” Avery shrugged. “It’s been four years, we can’t go forever without talking to them. The twins are getting older and will want to spend more and more time with their dad and uncles. Birthday parties and school events will be a lot more easier if we all got along. It’s so awkward being around them sometimes. I’m sick of it and I won’t let a promise I made four years ago affect my relationship. I like Matt, I want to see where this goes. I can’t do that if you’re holding me to something that doesn’t matter anymore. You moved on. He’s grown up. We all have changed. At least do this for your kids, it’s won’t be healthy for them to see all the tension with their family.”

I hate when my sisters are right. I’ve been holding onto this anger for so long. She has a point, I have moved on. I’m engaged and things do need to change. I don’t want my kids growing up thinking that I hate their dad because I don’t. I did in the beginning, but we both made mistakes that were the downfall of our relationship so I can’t be mad at him forever. I was also very wrong to keep my sisters from their friends. I’m a very stubborn person, that is my biggest flaw.

“You’re right, I’m sorry.” I apologized quietly. Tears sliding down my cheeks.

“Hey.” I heard a voice say making me look up. I saw Jack standing there. His eyes filled with mixed emotions. He was angry, sad, and something I can’t figure out but there was definitely something else there. “Can we talk?” he asked.

I looked around and the room had mostly cleared out. “Um, yeah.”

“I’ll, uh, let you two have some alone time.” Avery said then picked up her purse and walked out.

I stood awkwardly staring at the ground. I didn’t know what to say or do. I’ve never been nervous around Jack, I’ve never really been nervous around anyone. I’ve always been carefree. My relationship with Jack was amazing, I wish he hadn’t ended so badly. He was my best friend and when we broke up, I lost a part of myself.

“Why didn’t you tell me that you were a model?” Jack finally asked.

“I’m not sure exactly.” I shrugged. It wasn’t a lie, I don’t know why I cared if he knew or not. “The same reason I didn’t want you to know about Ethan I guess. I didn’t feel that you deserved to know about my personal life.”

Jack winced, “understandable. But is it exactly fair that you hear about my life and come to my concerts but I’m not allowed to know the simplest of things? Last I knew you were in school to be a teacher. I get that I cheated and I fucked up, but you were the one that always picked fights for no reason. You were the one that told me to get out and broke up with me, never to speak to me again.”

“How did you knew that I went to your concerts?” my eyes widened.

“That doesn’t exactly matter. But did you really think that would be a secret forever?” he laughed lightly.

“I guess not.” I sighed. “What exactly do you want? You want an apology? I’m sorry for cutting you out of my life. I’m sorry for making my sisters cut you and the guys out of their lives. Well Avery did, not so much Kendall apparently. You get the picture. I’m sorry for making a mess out of our relationship. I’m fucking sorry okay?” I stomped my foot as tears started falling from my eyes once again.

“Emiliya, are you okay?” I heard Miranda, one of the models, ask.

I turned around, wiping the tears away, “I’m fine, thanks.”

Miranda stood there skeptically, I know it’s because she’s never seen me emotional. Plus she knows Ethan and knows that Jack isn’t him nor has she ever seen him so she probably thinks something is up. There is, but probably not what she is thinking. “Okay, well if you need anything I’m going to be outside.”

I smiled and nodded. “Thanks. I’m honestly fine though.” She didn’t say anything, just looked at Jack with furrowed eyebrows then left.

“Emiliya?” Jack questioned once Miranda was gone.

I shrugged. “I use it for my modeling.”

“Because they made you or because you wanted to?” he asked curiously. I know Jack doesn’t approve of this, I can see it in his eyes and hear it in the tone of his voice, but what can I say? I’m not the same girl he knew.

“They suggested that I use a different name. It’s not uncommon in the industry. But even if they hadn’t suggested it, I probably would have anyways. Even if I didn’t become a model. You know how much I loved Emiliya. I envied Stefan a lot because he got to have his full name be authentic to our culture. Avery and I got stuck with American names because our mom thought it would help us fit in. My dad was overjoyed when Sofiya named Lilyana but she of course used Kendall because she liked it better. That’s why I wanted to give Viktor and Tatyana their names. I wanted them to be proud of who they are. Yes we are both American for whatever that’s worth. But we are also who we are. I’m Bulgarian. You’re Lebanese. I want them growing up being proud of that. I always felt different, like I didn’t belong here. Not just because of my name, but because I just never felt like I should be here. Having my name be Emiliya made me feel so much closer to my dad. It was my grandma’s name and I miss her so much.” I sighed thinking of my grandma. “My mom ran from her past. She ran from her family. I think I resented the name she gave me and that’s why I never liked it, I don’t know. I just feel more me now.”

“I guess I can understand that.” he nodded. “Maybe when the kids are old enough we can take them on a trip. Let them visit our home countries.”

“I was thinking about doing that.” I looked down at the floor. Ethan said that it wasn’t a good idea, but I wasn’t going to let Jack know that. “It would be good for them.”

“You seem different. I’m not just saying that because of your career, or your change of wardrobe. But because I don’t see that fire in your eyes that once was there. I know you said you always felt different, you told me that back then too. But that doesn’t mean you never had fire in your eyes. You were so full of life, even when you were sad. There was this intensity that I don’t see anymore. For a moment when you were on that runway I saw it which means it’s still in there somewhere. Hell it means that even though I don’t think this is what you should be doing that it makes you happy. That twinkle in your eyes was there when you were out there today. That same twinkle that was there when you would draw or paint. The one thing that made you truly happy. So don’t say that something isn’t wrong, I still know you. You can change your name, change your career path, but I still know you. So please talk to me.” Jack begged me, not only with his words but with his eyes. I’ve hurt him and he still cares about me. I want to walk away but my body won’t move. My heart knows that I love him and this is where I need to be. He’s right, he knows me no matter what. He will always know me. That detail makes my heart hurt more.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” I tell him.

“Kara said that you took this modeling gig because you needed money for the twins, and I understand that completely, but is this what you want to be doing? Does this make you happy?”

“I don’t know what I want anymore.” I told him honestly.

“Come here.” he held out his hand. I didn’t think twice before reaching out and taking his hand. He lead me over to the full length mirror. He stood behind me as we looked into it. “What do you see?”

“I see us.” I said confused.

“More than that. Don’t look at me, just yourself and tell me what you see.” he instructed.

I took a deep breath and stared at my reflection. “I see a girl who is tired and wishes she was in a different universe.”

Jack looked at me with concern but didn’t say anything. I saw him shake his head before looking at me once again. “Want to know what I see?” he asked me as he rubbed my shoulders.

“Can’t be any worse than what I’ve already heard.” I shrugged.

“If you take away the make-up, I see the girl who I once fell in love with. She looks lost, but if you look deep into her eyes you can see her. She’s fighting something, not sure if it’s to get back or to stay away. Either way, she’s still this gorgeous girl and no matter what I will love her.” he told me.

“I should get out there, I’m supposed to go to dinner with my parents.” I told him, stepping away from him. Being that close to him is making me want more. I want his arms around me. I want his lips on mine. But that can’t be. It’s taking everything out of me to not tell him that I love him too.

“And I should get back home. I told my parents that I would try to make it back tonight.” He fidgeted. He acted like he wanted to say something but didn’t. He just said that he would talk to me later and left.

It took me a couple of minutes to compose myself. It took everything out of me to not break down right then and there. My heart sank when Jack walked away. But I also know that I can’t have him that close either. I’m not sure what hurts more, having him close or not having him near. You would think after four years that the pain would have gone away, but it still hurts not being with Jack. Part of me knows that I am just settling for Ethan. Hell he’s only the second relationship I ever had. Unless you count Matty Walker in the second grade. I started dating Jack when I was sixteen and broke up when I was nineteen. Then I was single for two years then I met Ethan. I wanted so badly to just move on that I took the first chance and ran with it. Not saying that I don’t love Ethan because I do very much, but it’s not as intense. My dad used to tell me that it was just because I was a teenager when I dated Jack and it was my teenage hormones making me think that it was this intense and magical love and now that I am an adult that it just seems different. I understand his point, but my heart is telling me something differently. Or maybe it’s because I watch too many Nicholas Sparks movies and think that your first love is the best there will ever be.

“Are you ready to go?” I heard Sofiya ask from behind me.

I turned around and nodded. “Yeah, sorry I was just thinking. I didn’t mean to make you guys wait.”

“It’s no problem. We were talking with everyone out there. It was nice to see some friendly faces again.” she said. I know she’s trying not to see their names which wasn’t necessary. “You know it’s okay to miss him. It’s even okay to still love him. But one day you’re going to have to be honest with yourself.”

“Be honest about what?” I asked her confused.

“Oh sweetheart, I may not have given birth to you, but I sure have raised you. I never tried to take the place of your mom, but I would like to think that I did a good job at raising you, Avery and Stefan.” she smiled nervously. “That being said, I know you pretty well. I know that wish things had happened differently. I know you don’t regret the twins, but I also know that you wish that you could have gone to art school and traveled the world all while creating your very magical and unique art. It’s okay to feel that way, it doesn’t make you a bad person. I also know that you wish you and Jack had worked out. You need to be honest about those feelings and be honest that you don’t really want to marry Ethan. Until you accept that, you’re going to be stuck in all the pain that you’re in but refuse to let show.”

“I would rather pretend that I’m not in pain and keep going as I am than admit to anything and be let down again. I don’t think I can go through that again. I am fine with just being a mom and loving my kids. Nothing else matters.” I told her as a lump started to form in my throat. “Plus there is a reason that I am marrying Ethan and because of that I have to keep these feeling at bay.”

Before Sofiya could question what I had just said, I picked up my bag and walked away. I can’t tell her my secret, I can’t tell anyone my secret. Well anyone else, I told one person in a moment of weakness. If it gets out to anyone else, I’m not sure what will happen.