I Miss You Too

Zack laid flat on his back in his bunk and listened to his rainy day playlist despite the weather having turned considerably warmer and dryer since Pennsylvania.

It had been four long days since he won that stupid teddy bear for Jack and he regretted it more with every passing minute. He'd hoped it would cheer Jack up, remind the apparently upset boy that he was still around, and maybe bridge the ever growing gap between him and his friend. He'd hoped it would end the weirdness between them and bring back late night talks and days where he'd laugh so hard tears would stream down his face but that hadn't happened. Jack still wasn't talking to him, there was still a weirdness, and on top of all that Alex kept giving him these weirdly sympathetic looks that made him want to throw up.

With a heavy sigh, he skipped a few songs before sticking with a slow Jimmy Eat World track and humming quietly to himself. If he took his headphones off he knew he'd probably hear either Jack crying or Alex whispering but neither sound was appealing to him. He'd rather focus on listening to heartache than actually feeling it when given the choice. For a solid four hours he laid on his back watching the brown wood ceiling above him while he listened to a multitude of sad songs and wondered why he couldn't just have his best friend back.

At 3:56, after a particularly sad song by The Smiths, he rolled out of his bunk and headed inside the Connecticut venue for soundcheck. Everyone was already there, Alex gave him the same sympathetic look he'd grown accustomed to and Jack didn't look at him at all, he wasn't sure he wanted to get accustomed to that. Half-heartedly he slung his bass over his shoulders to start the near painful process of going through soundcheck or more accurately being around Jack.

When they were free to go he set his bass back on it's stand and looked over to see if maybe Jack had stuck around but of course all he saw was Jack's guitar. He sighed for maybe the thousandth time in a week and headed back to the bus and the lonely but safe confines of his bunk.

Alex was sitting in the front lounge with Jack curled up against him when he walked on the bus and he made a point to not look at the older's sad smile. Instead he kept his head down and walked back to his bunk, he closed his curtain behind him and settled back in with his ipod. Fall Out Boy was the first thing it played and he laughed as Patrick lamented about "kisses on the necks of "best friends."

The show went fine. He didn't sign for fans after because Jack did and he didn't want to make the younger more upset. He ended his day the same way he started it, flat on his back, listening to all the sad songs he knew. Things felt uncomfortably routine, no laughter, no unexpected wisdom, just him and some soft playing music. It felt awful.

He stayed up late playing back the scene from the hotel in Pennsylvania, trying desperately to decipher what went wrong. The memory blurred together in his tired mind and he fell asleep wondering if he'd said too much or not enough.

He had a dream Jack was drowning and he kept throwing the life ring just out of his reach, that was the last straw.

"Jack," he knocked softly on the wall outside the bunk his two friends were sharing and pulled back the curtain. A small smile crept across his face when he found the teddy bear he'd won Jack clutched tight to the boy's chest and he felt a bit better as he shook the guitarist awake. "Can we talk," he whispered when Jack finally opened his eyes.

"Zack?" Zack could see the blush on the younger's face even in the dark and watched him quickly throw the stuffed bear behind him, waking up Alex in the process.

"What's a matter Jack-O?" Alex mumbled and pressed his lips lazily against the side of Jack's ear in what Zack assumed was an attempt to calm him.

"Jack, can we talk?" He repeated his earlier question and alex gave him a new, wider, more happy looking smile and muttered something that sounded like, "fucking finally."

"Babe, go talk," Alex nudged a reluctant Jack until he groaned and rolled out of the bunk onto his feet.

"Thanks Alex," Zack smiled.

"Oh no, thank you," again Alex smiled a little too much for 4 in the morning and Jack pulled Zack away quickly.

"I miss you," Zack had barely shut the door behind them before he let the words tumble sadly out of his mouth. "Alex said you're just going through something but, but it's been a long time." He waited a few seconds for Jack to say something and sighed when the younger just stared at the floor from where he sat on the couch. "I just thought maybe you'd wanna talk to me about it...like we used to."

"It's not the same as it was," Jack said quietly in a voice as sad as Zack's own. "I sort of feel like you don't wanna be around me now that you don't have to."

"Yeah," Zack sighed, maintaining the depressing atmosphere. "It was easier in the van, we had to be together all the time but I figured now that you had a chance to get away from me, you'd take it."

"I don't wanna get away from you," Jack looked up at him for the first time since they'd entered the small room and Zack blushed under his gaze. "I still want it to be like before, when it was just us talking on long drives while everyone else was asleep. I miss you too."

"Do you think," Zack paused awkwardly and stared at his feet. "Do you think maybe you wanna sleep in my bunk tonight? We can talk as much as you want or just go to sleep but, but it might be nice."

"Yeah, I'd like that," Jack stopped speaking for a moment and then shook his head. "Let's go to bed."

Zack sighed happily when the two of them were settled in his bunk, sharing it felt so much better than sleeping alone. He had one arm wrapped comfortably around his friend's waist and they were close enough that he could press a kiss to the side of his neck without moving so he did. They didn't kiss all the time but, at least in the van days, it wasn't at all unusual for one of them to kiss the other's cheek or forehead to make them feel better. It was just a small reminder of, "I'm here for you," it wasn't really a big deal but maybe that had changed. Jack tensed up considerably and Zack did the same in response, thinking maybe things had changed over their long break.

"Sorry, I just, I'm sorry." Zack pulled his arm to his side and closed his eyes in an effort to not deal with the embarrassment of evidently making the younger uncomfortable. "Do you wanna leave...again?"

"No," Jack reached back and pulled Zack's arm around his waist again. "It's just...that thing I was going through, it sort of had to do with, you know, like love stuff."

Zack swallowed and nodded, "oh."

"Yeah, I sort of like this guy but I don't think he likes me the way I like him."

"You sound like a third grader," Zack laughed as he found his feet in the conversation and yelped a little when Jack pinched him and rolled over in his arms. "Do you like-like him?"

"Duh, that's what I just said," Jack grinned.

"Here's what you do Jack-O, next time your at lunch offer him one of your Oreos then when he takes it say 'that was a boyfriend snack, now you have to be my boyfriend!" It works every time."

"Hold on, let me write that down," Jack pretended to write down the words as he rolled his eyes. "Share Oreos, call them boyfriend food, get my guy, that's golden."

"I mean, not to brag but it did land me Joshua Wiles." Jack raised an eyebrow at him and he blushed a little and finished that story. "Well it landed me Josh until I tried to hold his hand, then he pushed me on the ground and stole my sandwich but still it's a great plan."

"Except pushing you on the ground and stealing your sandwich at our age translates roughly to domestic abuse and robbery and let's face it I'm useless in a fight."

Quietly they both laughed together like they used to when things were normal. Zack found himself smiling when things quieted down again and reaching a hand out in the dark to brush back Jack's hair.

"I bet that guy loves you," he whispered seriously with just a tiny bit of pain in his chest. "You're the funniest, smartest, best looking guy I know, he should consider himself lucky."

"I think he just considers himself my close friend," Jack sighed but then he smiled some. "I missed this so much, just being able to talk."

"Yeah, me too," Zack nodded. "This guy, uh," he blushed as he thought of what he wanted to ask, unsure if he'd be crossing a line. "Is he, is he sleeping in the bunk across from us?"

Jack frowned and raised an eyebrow, "Rian?"

"Rian?" Zack frowned right back, he definitely didn't see that coming. "You like Rian?"

"No," Jack shook his head and laughed. "I definitely don't like Rian, he just sleeps in the bunk across from you."

"Right..." Zack trailed off waiting to see if his friend would answer the implied question of if he liked the other guy sleeping across the aisle from them.

"Oh god," Jack rolled his eyes, looking almost irritated. "Are you actually asking if I like Alex? Because I think I made that point perfectly clear more than a few times."

"Sorry." The "do you love Alex/I don't love Alex," talk was one they'd had many times. Sometimes Jack would just announce it randomly in the middle of one of their talks and then look expectantly at Zack who usually clapped and reminded him that the first step was acceptance. He'd always believed him but Jack and Alex had been spending an even more suspicious amount of time whispering in a shared bunk. Plus it would play perfectly into what Jack had said about the guy he liked thinking they were just close friends.

"I love you."

"Love you too," Zack replied. "I'm sorry you're having trouble with this guy."

"Forget it," Jack sighed and climbed out of his bunk before Zack even knew what was happening. He'd barely whispered a desperate, "wait, I'm sorry," before Jack was back in Alex's bunk with the curtain drawn.

Silently he rolled onto his stomach and cried frustrated tears into his pillow until he fell asleep.

The next day he found out the only thing worse than sympathetic smiles and unexplained shunning was frustrated glances and being shunned for a reason he was supposed to understand but definitely did not. He went out for a long run in the morning and then showered and spent the rest of the day in his bunk with songs that were more angry than sad. He hated himself more than anything else, he had his best friend back and he screwed it up...again.

He played all their songs and listened to all Jack and Alex's banter that night and then he went right back to his bunk. They only had the two hometown shows left and then he could hide out in his apartment, far away from people that didn't like him for no reason.

"I'm gonna explain what's going on but we only have like two minutes," Alex said as soon as he'd pulled Zack's headphones off the next day.

"What do you mean? I thought you were mad at me?" Zack moved over in his bunk to make space for Alex who was already climbing inside.

"Never mad at you, Zack. Frustrated? Yes. Mad? Not so much," Alex spoke quickly and kept looking back over his shoulder. "First, you are single, right?"

"I, what, yeah," Zack blushed a deep red and wondered why exactly that was something Alex needed to know. "Yeah, I'm single. What about it?"

"Well," Alex looked behind him again and cursed under his breath. "Listen, if you weren't single Jack would be happier." Zack screwed up his face in what he hoped was obvious confusion so he'd get a further explanation but instead Alex said. "Nah, I'm not hungry but maybe Jack would like to go to lunch with you."

"No, I wouldn't." Zack watched in confusion as Jack glared at Alex who slumped his shoulders and climbed out of his bunk mumbling about "not getting paid enough for this shit."

"Wait," Zack followed the older boy out of his bunk so that the three of them were standing in a forced huddle in the small bus hallway. "I really will take you to lunch, Jack, we can go wherever you want."

"No, I'm not hungry," Jack huffed with an angry scowl.

Alex sent Zack another sad look and Zack just shrugged with the same sad expression and climbed back in his bunk.

Back in his own bunk Zack strained to hear what Alex was saying across the aisle. He couldn't make out exact words but the singer sounded angry and whenever Jack would try and say something his voice was cut off by more angry whispering. The whole thing only confused Zack more so he went back to his sad songs. He was just about to shut his eyes when his curtain was pulled back and he quickly turned his music off to look hopefully at a disgruntled Jack.

"I want to go to Taco Bell," Jack looked over his shoulder and Zack followed his gaze to find an angry looking Alex staring at the guitarist. "And I want you to take me, I'll be outside."

Zack sighed as he watched Jack stalk off the bus and looked back to Alex for an explanation. The older boy met his gaze and stood up to stand across from him again in the narrow hallway.

"Listen to me," Alex placed a hand on both of his shoulders and stared intently into his eyes to the point Zack had to look away because it made him uncomfortable. Alex tilted his chin, holding his head still so they were looking at each other once more and spoke slowly. "He is my best friend, you are my best friend, I'm not gonna let him keep avoiding you because I don't want you to be sad anymore but if you hurt him, I will kill you."

"I'd never hurt him," Zack frowned and pulled away from Alex with a hurt look. "I love Jack, I never want to see him hurt by anyone especially not by me."

"Good," Alex smiled. "Now put on a nicer shirt and go get your friend back, who knows, maybe you'll even get more."

"You're so weird," Zack blushed and turned away from his winking friend to find a nice shirt. They were only going to Taco Bell so it seemed unnecessary but he figured it couldn't hurt to look decent, maybe that'd make Jack like him. What exactly it was going to take to win his friend back was completely lost on him at that point.

A minute or so later he walked into the early fall sunshine of Baltimore and found Jack sitting on the ground waiting for him. He stuck out a hand to help him up but his friend shrugged him off and stood up himself. Silently they started walking down familiar streets, Jack just a few steps ahead the whole time.

"Want me to order for you? We usually get the same thing," he offered when they walked into the small fast food place.

"Nah, I was telling the truth, I'm really not hungry."

"Well," Zack sighed, turning around to walk back outside. "That would have been nice to know twenty minutes ago."

"Must be sort of annoying, huh?" Jack huffed, staring at Zack with an expression equal parts sadness and anger. "It must not feel good to have someone say they feel one thing only to find out they were just leading you on the whole time."

"Leading you on?" Zack cocked his head in confusion and held the door for an elderly couple because the two boys were now blocking the restaurant entrance. "I just meant we didn't have to do all this walking if you weren't hungry."

"Zack, you got me a teddy bear and told me you loved me!" Jack looked purely angry now and Zack really wished this was a conversation they could have in private instead of looking like a bad episode of cops. "You can't just fucking tell someone you love them and then go right back to avoiding them!"

"Oh."

"Yeah, oh," Jack shook his head and walked away muttering a quiet "I really thought you loved me," under his breath.

Zack stared after him for a while as he tried to formulate a plan to fix the problem he'd unknowingly caused. It took a few minutes but eventually he went inside and ordered a couple items to go. With a small bag of food in one hand he ran to catch up with Jack who he found just a few blocks away on an empty street.

"I don't wanna talk to you," Jack grumbled when he fell in step beside him.

"That's fine but I got you a bag of cinnamon twists." Most of the twists had fallen out of their pouch but he knew he only needed a few anyway so he handed Jack the mostly empty pouch from his bag. He waited with a smile that made Jack scowl even more for Jack to eat one of the twists and then stopped walking and put a hand on Jack's shoulder to stop him as well.

"That was a boyfriend snack," he grinned with slightly pink cheeks. "Do you remember the rules of boyfriend snacks?"

"Yeah, I remember," Jack spoke softly, almost in disbelief.

"Good," Zack blushed more and took a deep breath. "I'm gonna try to hold your hand now."

With another deep breath he reached down and took Jack's hand in his own, linking their fingers together. He flinched just slightly in case Jack decided to push him down and take his burrito but fortunately Jack Barakat had much different priorities than Josh Wiles.

"You love me, for real?" Jack bit his lip and raised an eyebrow.

"I love you, for real." Zack leaned in to kiss the cinnamon-sugar tinged lips of his new boyfriend, it tasted much better than kisses on the neck ever had.