Drown

I wish I could say adjustment to a new area was easy; That this would be rather simple to get use to considering it isn't the first time I've had to do something like this, moving to a new area where I knew little to nothing about my surroundings. I would say I found it easy, but that would make me a liar.

One thing I know I can't do is complain more than I take time to be grateful. I am grateful my aunt allowed my father and I to live in her home until we were back on our feet once more and ready to get a place of our own, but I can't help the annoyance that takes place when I remember how this situation came to be to begin with because of course we wouldn't exactly be in this mess if it weren't for my father having us lose our home over his incapability of keeping a job. Predicaments like this only happen in the movies, but I found myself experiencing it first hand.

Everything I had gotten use to about my old lifestyle had been forced to be forgotten in order to make room for learning how to survive this new life that I'm living. Not only am I surrounded by a relatively new set of people and a new environment, but I didn't get the choice for this to happen. I had to cooperate whether I wanted to or not.

Here in this new home, I can't say that all is bad. I have some good things surrounding me. I have my cousin Taylor who is the same age as me and her little brother Tyler. I hadn't seen them in so long due to lack of communication and it was nice to be able to catch up with them on all the things I seemed to have missed out on. Over the past month that I have been here, I can honestly say they're one of the few things that are still bringing me occasional happiness and I couldn't be more grateful for it. It feels like now more than ever I have been having more moments of sudden sadness.

I used to be used to this feeling; I practically embraced it as who I am, but that was before I knew what it was like to be happy and have someone who can brighten your mood. I'm more far than I would like to be from the one place I called home. My home was back where Vic was and I've known this from the start but after a month of being around people who weren't him its really starting to become unbearable. Although, other than that, trying to live with this new home was another problem all in its own category.

One of the most frequent events taking place in this household is something people would label as relatively simply, but for me is a big deal. I'm not paid much attention to here. I wasn't paid attention to in my last home either considered the conditions I was living under but I tried keeping as much distance from my father as I possibly could. Here, everything had changed. It was different.

My father smiled. My father spoke, he laughed, he communicated like a normal human with our surrounding family. I wasn't use to this side of him but it wasn't like I expected him to act as cold towards them as he does towards me. Still, it did hurt realizing how kind he could be but simply chose to treat me that way specifically because I am me.

My aunt was no better when it came to the lack of attention I received in this home. Sure, she greeted me with hugs and kisses at the door and many comments on how much I've changed considering the last time she had seen me I was blonde and much younger, but other than that most of her time is spent focused on her own children or her brother. My father and her must have been close when they were younger since they get along so well now.

And as I sit here on my bed, my legs crossed beneath and eyes locked on the ticking clock above my desk like I have been for the past hour or so, I can't help but realize how much this move has really opened my eyes.

If you're lucky, you'll end up with a fairy-tale moment of your life where everything seems like magic and nothing can hurt you if you focus on the good for long enough. If you're fortunate enough, you'll find yourself in something you could call your happy place where evil thoughts don't exist. The bad side of life doesn't haunt your every waking thought because you're too content with living in your moment. my moment, it was taken and ripped to shreds.

Living in the moment, I didn't realize how much I had really changed when it came to my outlook on life and my perspective on myself and the world around me. I hadn't noticed I was happier than I had once been and I was really starting to find myself. I got it all stolen from me, and I can't help but think it was the cause of my now repeating downfall.

I didn't mean for it to go this far, really I didn't. I thought I understood myself clearer but really I was simply running from who I really was, I suppose. I am still the same kid I was back before I had met Vic and I still hold the same problems and not-such-problem-solvers I had back then. I know if Vic could see me now he would be so disappointed with what he'd find but at the end of the day I have to remind myself that he can't see me. He won't be able to see me for quite some time now because he was taken from me right when I was starting to become use to having him around so much.

I am a terrible person, I remind myself.

But what he doesn't know won't hurt him.