Save Us (and Rock and Roll)

I thought of angels
Choking on their halos
Get them drunk on rose water
See how dirty I can get them
Pulling out their fragile teeth
And clip their tiny wings

Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name
It will be held against you
Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name

If heaven's grief brings hell's rain
Then I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I'm bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
Oh, I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way
Still I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I'm bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
For just one yesterday

Letting people down is my thing, baby
Find yourself a new gig
This town ain't big enough for two of us
I don't have the right name
Or the right looks
But I have twice the heart

Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name
It will be held against you
Anything you say can and will be held against you
So only say my name (name)

If heaven's grief brings hell's rain
Then I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I'm bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way
Still I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I'm bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
For just one yesterday

If I spilled my guts
The world would never look at you the same way
And now I'm here to give you all my love
So I can watch your face as I take it all away, away, away, ay ay ay

If heaven's grief brings hell's rain
Then I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I'm bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
I want to teach you a lesson in the worst kind of way
Still I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday
(I know I'm bad news)
For just one yesterday
(I saved it all for you)
For just one yesterday


what's worth more? the seemingly endless stream of unknown tomorrows or the one set in stone yesterday? tomorrow is opportunity. yesterday is regret.

You have a right to remain silent." I say, aiming the gun at her pretty face. She is breathtakingly beautiful, almost impossibly so. People like her don't exist, not in the real world. It's hard to imagine her hurting someone, but the tortured body in the other room says otherwise. As usual, the painting of angel wings, painted with blood. Everyone knows who she is. I will be adored by all the other policemen. I have managed to catch her in the act. She doesn't look like a murderer. She's staring at me, with those big eyes, almost pouting, as if we were playing a game and she lost. This isn't a game. "Anything you say can and will be held against you." I continued. "So if I say your name, will you be held against me?" She asks, laughing. She stops laughing for just enough time to wink. I'm staring. It's so unprofessional but a part of me wants to laugh. Does she not understand how serious this is? First degree murder could mean a lifetime in jail, and yet, she's laughing. Her comment and wink makes me blush and I hate myself in that moment. "Well? I asked a question. Didn't I ask a question? I don't like people who use their right to remain silent." She says. She's staring straight at me. She's almost scolding me. I feel so unbelievably awkward. I thought this would go smoothly. I'm supposed to get her to the station and disappear. I am so tempted to answer back to her comment but I know I shouldn't.

angels. with powerful pure white wings. chilling with God. fearing to fall into hell. see, falling to hell was never the problem. the really question was the fight. hell would catch up to me. the chase was what made it fun. angels, getting dirty. angels choking on their stupid halos. god wagging his big old finger at his naughty little angels. torturing angels. tearing apart those pure white wings, feathers flying around me like snow. silly little angels, getting drunk on their delicious rose water. he's not an angel, he's an enemy and he will bring me to hell. hell. imagine that. a hell on our little earth. "What's your name, so I'll know what to moan later, after you'll be held against me?' i ask, just to see him struggle. As if i'd ever have anything to do with him.

"I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours?" I suggested, finally reminding my mouth how words work. I could almost imagine my boss scolding me, and I knew I was messing up. I was always messing up, always in the wrong mindset, always unprofessional, always nothing next to everyone else. If I could catch her I would win everyone's envy and admiration. I wouldn't be the one who messed up that one robbery, the one who accidentally started a fight in the interrogation room. Everyone would forget my mistakes and this job would finally, unlike everything else in my life, go my way. She is bad news but I will turn this around.

he's smiling. he's so fucking pathetic, the perfect blend of weakness and useless ambition. they're all like that. freedom is the refuge of the weak. i'm just helping people reach infinity, the same infinity that stole him. infinity would swallow him up, destroy that little grin. the sky would bleed if it knew what it was hugging, if it knew of our little earth. "Fair enough, I'm Fox." i don't need any other name.

It's so ridiculous. I'm actually talking to her. And she's smiling. She's standing next to the wall, leaning on it casually. I don't know what I'm doing, holding the gun like it'll shield me. Fox. She doesn't look like a fox. She looks like a deer, with big innocent eyes and a sculptured face. The situation is so odd and I can't think of anything else but to oblige. "I could think of better places to introduce myself but my name is Lewis."

"Pleasure. So how did you know I'd be here?" i asked. no one should have known. this won't be my downfall. he may have disappeared from the face of earth, but i have plenty of vengeance for all of them. i wish i had wings. being an angel would suit me, i think. i could fly, shredding the sky to little pieces of nothing. i'm not good at following orders, so i'd probably piss off god and find myself in hell with satan. that would be fine, too. satan probably has a better sense of humor than god.

She's leaning forward, staring at me with those bright big eyes. Her lips are full and look soft. "I um, I realized whoever's doing the killing is killing firefighters that have either a A and a H in their names or an P and an S. Someone always calls the police at 11:34PM but it's always too late. It's always next to churches. All the other policemen thought I was an idiot, but turns out I was right. Why? It's you right?" I finished awkwardly. I didn't actually think she'd be here, it was just a stupid lucky guess. I hadn't managed to save the person who was now a corpse, but I had caught her, and that would be enough. I would get my honor back.

Ander Hurleyson. Patrik Stubbs. too late. he's dead. we don't know how it happened. that little white church in the middle of the desert getting burned. firefighter that can't fight the fire that burned my soul. too late. i feel like i can't breathe. i need to forget. why. why. i wish i knew. yesterday, or maybe it was a few years ago, i knew who i was. now i am nothing. dead. not even ashes. burned everything and then burned the ashes. what am i doing?

She's staring horrified. Finally she whispers "I don't know." She looks like a porcelain doll, completely lost. She's shaking, her arms hugging herself. I know I can't hurt her, know I won't call for backup. She needs help, jail won't help her. I can't just ignore this. I walk another step closer to her. She's staring at the floor and when I moved, she lifted her head suddenly. "Come here, it'll be okay." I know she's a horrible murderer and that I am messing up again and I need to be professional and I'm acting crazy and a million other excuses run through my head. None of them matter as I open my arms, drop the gun to the floor and hug her. She puts her arm around me. I feel her warm body next to mine as I embrace her small figure.

he's hugging me. i want to push him away. that would be stupid. he knows and now my freedom is in danger. the hug feels amazing. i'm struck, once again, by the realization that he is a person, that our hearts are pounding, our sweat rolling, and our minds running. it shouldn't feel this good. i adjust my head so i'll be more comfortable.

I moved my head, feeling maybe the hug was getting awkward.

and his lips are next to mine.

Her lips are touching mine.

i am alive

I can't breathe.

this is happening.

Why does this feel right?

why does this feel right?

I am kissing her. We are making out. I'm running my hands through her hair. Everything feels so wonderful. So wrong, it feels right.

i am kissing him. i can't, i don't, i shouldn't, i thought i wouldn't. but, they hurt me. i don't owe them anything. he tastes wonderful.

She smells like campfire and strawberries, which I never thought would go together so well. She feels like an angel.

i break apart finally, out of breath. he looks so awkward, i want to laugh. "So um," he says cleverly. "Do you want to meet tomorrow, in the white church next door?" i asked, a small smile playing on my lips.

"I um, ok." I said, at a loss of words. This wasn't how this was supposed to go. I still feel her lips on mine and I know that this time I truly messed up, probably more than any other time. "At ten PM, its pretty empty then, in the back room." She says as she walks away gracefully. And I'm stuck, pondering just how bad the situation is.

i should totally skip on tomorrow. he's the enemy. he is the one who will cut my wings. he will hurt me. i won't let anyone hurt me again. i am lying in my bed, in his house, before he was killed. it's mine now, comes free with memories.

I'm lying in my small bed. The house is so empty. I can hear my own heart beats and the clock ticking. I'm so alone and so so lonely. Maybe thats why I agreed to meet her.

the bed is so empty without him. he is ashes now, nothing of substance. i'm so alone, so so lonely. i miss the sensation of someone holding me. i miss the feeling of someone playing with my hair or kissing my neck. i have nothing else to lose. maybe thats why i agreed to meet him.

I'm such an idiot. There are billions of girls out there. She's a murderer, what was I even thinking?! I'm so goddamn stupid. She is my chance to reach fame and I will mess it up because of how "lonely" I am. I had her and she got away. I will catch her. This time I will.

i'm waiting for him. it's the first time i've worn makeup and gotten dressed up since he died. i'm actually excited. he can end this fire. he can help me be reborn, just like a Phoenix.

I'm here. I'm ready. I'm going to do this. She looks breathtakingly beautiful, and I know I'm a horrible person for only seeing that, and not all the people she killed. She's smiling. She's bad news, I know this.

we're talking. he's nervous and its adorable.

I don't know how to do this.

we're kissing.

I can't stop messing up can I?

i'm taking off my clothes.

I'm going to regret this, aren't I?

he's taking off his clothes.

Oh fuck.

oh my god.

This wasn't how I thought this would go.

this was exactly how I hoped this would go.

I need to stop. I can't let her get the best of me again.

"That was wonderful." i said breathlessly. i missed this, the feeling of another person.

I'm getting dressed, thinking about how much did I mess up. I didn't mean to, I just, she was talking to me and she was taking of her clothes and smiling and why am I such an idiot.

he's getting dressed in such a panic. i didn't do anything wrong, did i? "You're under arrest." he says.

"What?" "You heard me." I am done with messing up. I am making up for my mistakes.

betrayal hits me, like a swift punch. it's followed by anger, hot and red. finally, sadness, coating it all with its tint. "Make it easy." he says, almost begging. he's got to be kidding.

She's laughing. I don't see what's funny.

i don't know what to do. "Shouldn't I get dressed first?" he gets red and i feel like i achieved something. i throw on my clothes and then, almost instinctively, start running. i'm running and running and i don't care where but i won't go to jail and i won't let the devil catch me and steal my wings.

She's running and I'm chasing. I don't know this place and I'm lost. I give up, knowing its lost. I will find her. I need to find her. No one will trick me twice.

i'm running. i'm running far far away. this town isn't big enough for us and my ghosts.

She's gone. It's been a month and no sign of her.

i'm still running and they won't catch me.

I will find her. I won't rest until I will find her.

i wish it was yesterday. i don't care about tomorrow. i need to take back the pieces of myself i gave him.

It's been 5 months. No sign of her. No new murders. Nothing. I won't give up. I can't tell anyone that I was so close to catching her, without describing my failure.

oh. i can't wait to give it to him and watch his face.

It's been 7 months. I will find her. I will teach her a lesson.

this will teach him a lesson. i am counting down days.

9 months have passed and I don't know anything. It's a far off dream, and a part of me feels that it didn't even happen. Until I open the door. It's a baby. A crying little baby. There's a note and it says "if i spilled my guts, the world would never look at you the same."

she's beautiful. i almost regret giving her to her father. i will not be a parent. i would give everything up for her not to be born.

I would give everything up for just one yesterday. I'm holding the little girl, crying in my arms. I am going to be weighed down by a child. She is a brick tied to me. It doesn't matter. I will find her mother and destroy her.

if heavens grief rains on hell, i would give up all my tomorrows for just one yesterday.

I would give up all my tomorrows for just one yesterday. If that won't work, I will make my tomorrows better than my yesterdays.