Strings

“Dinner was wonderful,” I said as Eric picked up my plate. He took mine and his into the small adjoining kitchen, that he said was big enough for just him when I'd commented on how small it was. I sat on the floor on a pillow by his glass coffee table in the living room. My nerves had vanished and now I felt comfortable – more comfortable than I should be in a strange mans house. I picked up he glass of wine he'd served. He didn't even blink when I mentioned I was underage, just handed me the glass.

“Thanks. My ex fiancé taught me how to cook,” I choked on the wine and hid my face so he would see it came out of my nose. I wiped it away and looked back at him.

“Ex fiancé?” I asked softly. Eric nodded and carried the bottle a wine back with him into the living room. He plopped down on his plush leather sofa. He patted the spot next to him, inviting me to join him. I stood up and joined him on the couch. “When were you engaged?” I asked like I didn't really care. Oh but I did.

“In college,” I waited. He didn't continue.

“Why didn't you marry her?” I pushed. He poured some more wine for the both of us and I could tell he was avoiding my question. I tried again. “Was it bad?”

“No,” he stated simply. I growled to myself. I going to need a damn crowbar to pry this from him.

“Did she cheat? Did you cheat?” I demanded. He rolled his eyes and sighed loudly. He set his glass down and got off the couch. In the corner of his living room he had a nice stereo. He walked over to it and bent down going through his shelves of CD's. I didn't think he was going to answer, but when the music started – something slow and pretty – he finally answered.

“Neither of us cheated. I loved her very much and we decided to wait until college was over to get married. She was studying art literature and when she got her degree she was offered a great job in France. I still had six years of medical school left and I couldn't go.” He sat back down next to me. He was quiet for a while. I was trying to understand why they broke it off when he started explaining again. “She tried to stay but I wouldn't let her. I made her go. I told her I wasn't ready for marriage and that I couldn't fake it anymore.”

“You lied,” it wasn't a question but he answered anyway.

“Yes,” there was sadness in his eyes. I reached over and touched his hand. We were silent for a while as we stared at our hands. The music stopped and changed to something more upbeat. It surprised me and made me pull my hand back. I blushed and looked away from him.

“What about you,” he asked louder than necessary.

“Excuse me?”

“You and your boyfriend. Are you ready to marry him?”

“What? Alex? No!” I snapped. “No no no!”

“Whoa calm down. It was only a question. I just thought, after what you said in the hospital, that you two would be getting married right out of high school.”

“Oh that. No Alex isn't interested in settling down. He wants to leave right after high school. Go overseas and travel.”

“And that's not something you want to do,” he said. I nodded even though he hadn't asked it as a question. “Are you going to let him go?”

I looked into his eyes and I saw that sadness again. He wasn't asking if I would let Alex leave the country. He was asking if I'd break up with him.

“I'm trying,” I whispered. “It's proven harder than I imagined it would.”

“It always is,” he said. Something in his voice made me look up. His blue eyes were heavy with emotions too strong for me to understand. I had to look away or I would lose myself in them.

I tried changing the subject. “So Eric, why did you want to be a doctor?” That brought a new sadness into his eyes and part of me felt it. Something in my heart, felt what was in his eyes. I looked away from him and kept my them off him.

“My father,” he said. I wanted to look at him. To try and understand the pain I saw in his eyes from that one question. His answer was so simple I couldn't figure it out.

“Is he a doctor?” I asked the coffee table, but Eric answered.

“He was,” I understood. His father was a doctor. “He died when I was ten,” I looked at him. I couldn't stop myself. I don't know what it is to lose a parent, but it has to be unbearable.

“I'm so sorry,” stupid thing to say. It's always stupid to apologize for death. “That must have been very hard.”

“It was. I've learned to live with it.” I looked at my hands and shook my head. “What?” he demanded.

“Does anyone learn to live with death?” He looked away from me and shook his head. I sighed.

“Should've known. I guess a doctor does learn to live with death.”

He scoffed at me. “What?” I asked. He rolled his eyes at me. “What?” I pushed.

“You need to work on not making presumptions so much,” he said. “Just because I'm a doctor doesn't mean I have a heart of stone.”

“I'm not the one who said I've learned to live with death,” I hissed.

“My dad died twenty years ago. I have learned to accept that. It doesn't mean I still don't get sad when I think about him. It doesn't mean that I stopped loving him. Damn it Aggie!” He was on his feet and pacing in front of me. I felt uncertain about whether or not I should leave. “Being a doctor is the hardest occupation you can have. I see people die every day and I feel it.” In a flash he was in front of me. I was too scared and too compelled to move away from him. He took my hands in his and put them to his chest, right over his heart. “I feel it right here, every time.”

I was quiet and so was he for a very long time. I watched him as he pulled my hands away from his chest to stare down at them. I could feel my pulse racing in wrists and I wanted to rub them to make the feeling go away, but I couldn't take my hands from him. He slowly looked up at my face and into my eyes. Whatever he saw there made him smile.

“When I was six,” he began softly, “and on Christmas day, my dad had gotten me my first doctors bag. Brown leather, with my name monogrammed in gold lettering on it. I used it through medical school. Anyway, it was the best gift I've ever gotten. I carried it around with me all through Christmas morning. Well when my dad was putting me to bed, he took my hands in his. Just like this,” he turned my hands palm side up so we both could see them, “and he said 'These hands. These are doctors hands. They are going to create miracles.'”

His eyes were lost. They were lost in the past with his father on that Christmas night. I reached up and touched his face. His eyes adjusted to the present and he smiled just at me. “He was right. I've done miracles with these hands. I've saved so many lives. That's how I've learned to live with death. I've seen the bad, but I've also seen the good. Hell I've done the good.”

My hand was still on his face and he turned his hands to press his lips against my hand. My pulse sped louder than ever. He looked at me and his eyes were dark and bright at the same time. He moved closer to me. His face only centimeters from mine when I jerked back.

“I'm sorry. It's just that I have a boyfriend and I'm not that kind of girl,” I explained. “I really should go.” He moved and I was to the door before I realized I had just ruined what would have probably been the best moment of my life. I wanted to go back. To grab him and kiss him and ignore the nagging voice in the back of head that sounded suspiciously like Alex. But I didn't. I couldn't. I meant it when I said I wasn't that kind of girl.

“Goodbye Eric,” it sounded to final. I didn't look back as I left. It was hard enough. Once I was in my car, I grabbed my phone out of my bag that was sitting on the passenger's seat. I had two missed calls from Shelley. Probably begging me to come to the bonfire. I didn't call her, but I did call someone. The phone rang twice before Alex picked up.

“Hey,” he said, “where are you at? I went by your house to see you but you were gone.”

“Uh Alex listen. Can you meet me somewhere? We need to talk.”

“Er sure how about Carl’s in twenty minutes?”

“That's perfect,” I said. “I'll see you there. Bye.” I hung up before he said bye.

I got to Carl's Coffeehouse before Alex did. I went inside and ordered a kettle of herbal tea. I was so nervous and the butterflies in my stomach wouldn't calm down. The waitress brought the tea and two cups. I poured one for myself and drank, letting the warmth spread through my body. It helped with calming. The door of the coffeehouse opened and in walked Alex, and he wasn't alone. His little sister Bella was with him.

She spotted me before he did. She rushed over and threw her arms around me. Bella was ten, and looked so much like Alex. Her dark blue eyes were framed by a set think black glasses, and he curly black hair was pulled back in a ponytail. She was a part of Alex I didn't want to give up. I've known her since she was a three and I used to help Alex babysit her. Being an only child is very lonely, having Bella around was like having a sister without all the fighting and stealing of clothes.

“Hey you,” I said when she pulled away from the hug. It had been a while since I'd last seen her. I almost felt guilty for avoiding Alex as much as I could. “Still dancing?” She took dance classes at the youth center. I was her inspiration.

“Of course,” she chirped. “Is there anything else more important?” Almost everything. I would never say this to her. I used to drill into her when she was little that dancing always came first. How very wrong I was. Another twinge of guilt hit me. How much trouble would that cause her in the future?

“She's so much like you,” Alex interrupted. He was smiling at me in a way that hurt me. Too much love was put into that smile. Way too much. The talk I wanted to have with him was ruined. I couldn't do it front of Bella. I wonder if he brought her on purpose? No. He couldn't know I was going to end it with him. Or maybe a part of him did wonder and he brought her to stop it. I am way too paranoid.

“Aggie you have to come to my recital next month. I got the lead role!” Her round face lit up with joy and I knew she'd been dying to tell me this. I hugged her and cheered with her. Alex joined in the hug and I pulled away sooner than I would have.

“I think this deserves a piece of the chocolate cake you love so much,” I poked Bella in the stomach. I got up and she took my seat. Alex followed me to the counter.

“She's so excited. For the past two weeks it's been non-stop dancing ever since she found out.” Two weeks?

“Why didn't you tell me?” I asked him.

“She asked me not to. You haven't been over in a while and she's really missed you. It's why she's with me tonight. She threw a fit when I told her she couldn't come and when she started with the crying I felt so bad and I had to bring her.” More guilt. In avoiding Alex, I also hurt Bella. Does it ever end?

“What did you want to talk about?” Oh no. I can't do it now. Not with his sister here.

“It's not important. Let's just forget it and celebrate with your sister,” he kissed me. I kissed him back. I felt him smile and I tried to think of the last time I had kissed him. I couldn't remember. When we pulled away from each other I knew that would be the last time I kiss him. A part of me cried another part rejoiced.