Blackout

I should have listened to my mother when I was younger. Whenever I would claim I wanted something and subsequently through fits when I didn’t get what I wanted, she would go on and on about how the moment I got what I wanted I would already be on to wanting something bigger and better.

But this situation with Seth was so much bigger than that. It wasn’t like I had finally gotten him and gotten bored. I didn’t have my sights set on anyone else—all I wanted was freedom and safety. Neither of which I seemed to have anymore when it came to Seth.

I tried to convince him that I shouldn’t move in with him just yet. I tried telling him that I couldn’t afford to break my lease early and he offered me money. I told him I wasn’t ready to live with him and he got sad, pulling me to him and practically begging me to move in with him. And then of course, when I kept pressing the issue he got that look in his eye that I was learning to fear. It wasn’t worth the risk to try anymore because I knew no matter how hard I fought it and tried to stay away from him he would find me and make sure I couldn’t ever get away.

I was like a hostage in this indefinable relationship. In public, we were a normal couple: he was my boyfriend and I was his girlfriend. But behind closed doors I was merely a possession that Seth coveted and wanted only for himself. For his eyes only.

I felt trapped. Like an animal trapped in a small cage. It was suffocating and demeaning and sapping me of my usual energy. I didn’t feel like myself anymore.

---

I was both scared and relieved when Bree showed up at the office on a Friday a few weeks after I had moved in with Seth, demanding that we go out that night.

“I’m so tired,” I lied, my eyes on my desk. “It’s been a long week and I just want to curl up in bed and sleep.”

“I don’t care,” Bree said. “I feel like I barely see you anymore. Just come out for a few hours. I’m not taking no for an answer.”

I studied my nails, picking at my chipping nail polish. Bree was stubborn and I knew she would not leave this office unless I gave her the answer she wanted. I knew that she would barge into Seth’s office if she had to, and I knew that would not go over well for me later.

I glanced at her finally, rolling my eyes and forcing a smile.

“Fine,” I said, standing up. “A few hours then. Let me just let Seth know.”

“You mean, ask him permission?” she asked. I froze momentarily before turning to her laughing lightly.

“No, just letting him know,” I said. “That way he can make plans for himself tonight if he wants to. What time will you meet me at the apartment tonight?”

“I’ll come get you at 10,” she said, smiling now. “So be ready and look hot.”

“You know it!” I watched her turn and leave with a wave before going to Seth’s office. I knocked lightly on the door.

“Come in,” I heard him say.

I opened the door and stepped into his office before closing the door again.

“Do you have a minute?” I asked.

“Yeah, what’s up?” he asked.

“Bree just stopped by and she wants me to go out with her tonight,” I said. “Just for a few hours.”

He watched me for a minute.

“Fine,” he finally answered. My eyes widened in shock. “But I’m choosing your outfit and I don’t want you to drink. You usually end up getting too drunk and it’s sloppy.”

“That’s fine,” I answered quickly, just happy to know I’d be able to get away from him for a few hours. He stood up and came around his desk until he was standing in front of me. He leaned down and kissed me softly.

“Good,” he said when he pulled away. “Now get back to work.”

---

And somehow, even though I knew there would be consequences, I came back to Seth’s—our apartment, completely drunk. I stood just outside the door, key in hand, trying to prepare myself for whatever was going to happen once I stepped inside.

This was so fucking ridiculous. I should be able to drink with my friends without there being any consequences other than the inevitable hangover. I was so frustrated with this entire relationship that I knew I didn’t want anymore. I wanted out. It just wasn’t that easy.

But damn it—I liked getting what I wanted and with alcohol flowing through my veins and boosting my confidence a bit, I was determined to somehow end this tonight.

Taking a deep breath, I put the key in the lock and opened the door. I had to take a moment to adjust my eyes once I had stepped inside. Apparently Seth had turned on every light in the apartment.

“I see you’re finally home,” I heard him say, standing up from a chair in the living room. “And drunk. I can smell the liquor from here.”

I shut the door and sighed.

“Seth we need to talk,” I said, trying not to slur my words and speaking louder than I meant to.

“Yes,” he agreed. “We need to talk about the fact that you don’t seem to have a full grasp on how I want you to behave.”

“I’m not a child!” I yelled. “You can’t just tell me what to do!”

I saw his eyes darken immediately. He moved towards me.

“Why can’t you just understand that I’m trying to do what’s best for you?”

“Stay away from me,” I said, putting my hands up in front of me. He stopped a few feet from me. We watched each other for a moment. He was mad. I was scared. I could feel my breath quickening, my mind racing as to what I should do next because I knew he wouldn’t stay away from me for much longer.

I turned quickly and ran into the kitchen.

“Sophie,” he said loudly and I heard his footsteps following me. “Will you come and talk to me?”

I looked around the kitchen and saw the knives in their holder on the counter. I grabbed one of the larger ones by the handle and pulled it out, turning to face Seth who was watching me in surprise.

“What the fuck Sophie?” he asked, eying the knife.

“Just stay away from me,” I said. “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. Why can’t you just get that? I don’t want to live here either.”

“You don’t mean that,” he said.

“I mean every word,” I said. “You’re controlling and overbearing and you scare the living shit out of me.”

“I hear you,” he said. “Will you just put the knife down so we can talk about this? I love you Sophie.”

I shut my eyes for a moment trying to ignore him. I knew if I put this knife down he would just hurt me in some way. I would never be able to go out without him ever again.

And suddenly I heard a voice in my head, egging me on. Just do it. Just get rid of him. That will solve everything. You’ll be free.

No! I didn’t want to kill him! I’m not even sure if I wanted to hurt him.

I opened my eyes and suddenly Seth was all I could see. He grabbed my wrist before I could swing the knife in his direction.

His hand tightened on my wrist.

“Drop the knife, Sophie,” he said. I pulled my arm trying to break his grip. “Drop the fucking knife!”

I let out a cry of pain as he twisted my arm and I opened my hand letting the knife fall to the floor. Seth shoved me into the counter and kicked the knife away from us.

“Were you going to fucking stab me, Sophie?” he asked. His face was near mine and I could feel him panting against my cheek. I started crying. He took a step away from me, shaking his head. “You’re pathetic.”

You can do it Sophie. Just one good push and you can get away. I continued to cry watching Seth carefully as he watched me. He rubbed a hand over his face and I took the opportunity.

I launched myself toward him and shoved him hard. Any other moment and it might not have worked, but I caught him off guard. He fell quickly but before I could get a head start from the likely scenario of him chasing me, his head hit the corner of the kitchen table hard with a sickening crack and he landed on the floor where he remained motionless, his eyes staring blankly up at the ceiling.

I thought maybe he was just in shock and taking a moment to recover until I saw the blood start to pool around his head in an ironic halo, the blood contrasting against the white tile. I sank to my knees slowly beside his body.

What did I do?