What Does It Mean to Be Broken?
What makes me like this?
If you want the technical definition, it means that my brain releases the wrong amount of certain chemicals. This leads to uncontrollable emotions and what my mother likes to call, ‘laziness’. So to parents who do not understand, thank you. You make my life an utter living hell. To give you the definition you are probably looking for, something along the lines of, “Yes, it is my fault, always, and I am merely faking it.” Sorry that response seems to have expired. Now to the events of the day.
Imagine your child is curled up on the couch, quietly. You have just arrived home to find dishes in the sink, again, even though you’ve told them a multitude of times that “we do indeed have a dishwasher, which keeps things in such a nice order.” Yet there they sit, dirtying another bowl with the mac and cheese that they have no desire to even rinse off. So the best course of action is most obviously to rapidly release the air from your lungs at them. You must remind them again of their mistake.
This leads you to think, why would they behave like this? What would make them repeatedly disobey you time after time? And all things are like this, as you begin to think about it. They don’t do their homework, continuously skip school pretending to be sick, do not feel obligated to get a job or anything. This only makes your vocal cords vibrate in a louder tone and you find that your child must be fault for this and that they must be taught properly how to behave.
When the other parent finds his way through the door, he sees the dishes just as quick. Yet only after he opens his mouth do the tears begin to slip down your child’s face. You see the plea in her eyes, that constantly repeats an apology. Yet he doesn’t see it. He runs his mouth on and on, tearing up every inch of her self-esteem. There is only one thing that manages to slip from between your child’s lips. “I don’t like you.”
This comment only further infuriates her father, and you are left in the crossroads. Take the side of your loving husband who had only four words spoken to him, or take the side of your child who couldn’t learn for the life of you to put the dishes where they belong. It is no choice. The child sees that she is being outcasted and runs. She takes the keys and runs to the door and she is gone.
This child, is me. I ran. I went to hide. I understand that there is no possible way for a person to understand what it is like to have a mental condition. Let alone three. So I am going to tell you.
To have severe anxiety means that anything and everything can stress you out. It means that one minute you will be doing work in class and chatting happily with your friends, when the next you are on the floor sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. If you get sick for any reason and miss class, you become more sick from the stress. This leads to a whole downward spiral of sickness that is almost impossible to climb back out of. It means that you cannot watch certain television shows because the character’s anxiety only increases to yours. For me, this means that my stomach makes an increased amount of acid and my diet has been reduced to that of a vegan.
Severe depression can be similar, yet it causes many different things. This means that if you fail, you blame yourself to the extent that you just want a knife to go carving up your wrists with. This means that if you become embarrassed for something silly, you might as well die. It doesn’t matter if you have a loved one, like a boyfriend or girlfriend because this little voice in your head continuously tells you how little you are actually worth.
Severe ADHD means that when you are taking a test, you have to read the question five times because you cannot understand for the life of you, what it is saying, even though you understand each word. It means that when you find something that you really enjoy doing, you get so stuck and caught up in this one thing, that the people around you think you have a hearing disorder. This means when you watch a teacher, you get so focused on how their face is moving that your brain totally ignores whatever it was that they are actually saying.
I would like to say that I do not blame parents in any way. I think that everyone tries the best that they can to understand and become who they are. The point that I want to make is that when I ran away, it wasn’t because I didn’t love my parents or that I didn’t know how hard it would be to come back home. I ran because that was the only thing that I knew how to do. I want to get a job and I want to be just like everyone else. I would just like to request one thing.
When you tell me all the those things about how I need to get myself together, could you remember that for every time that you tell me, I’ve already told myself the same thing at least 500 times?
Imagine your child is curled up on the couch, quietly. You have just arrived home to find dishes in the sink, again, even though you’ve told them a multitude of times that “we do indeed have a dishwasher, which keeps things in such a nice order.” Yet there they sit, dirtying another bowl with the mac and cheese that they have no desire to even rinse off. So the best course of action is most obviously to rapidly release the air from your lungs at them. You must remind them again of their mistake.
This leads you to think, why would they behave like this? What would make them repeatedly disobey you time after time? And all things are like this, as you begin to think about it. They don’t do their homework, continuously skip school pretending to be sick, do not feel obligated to get a job or anything. This only makes your vocal cords vibrate in a louder tone and you find that your child must be fault for this and that they must be taught properly how to behave.
When the other parent finds his way through the door, he sees the dishes just as quick. Yet only after he opens his mouth do the tears begin to slip down your child’s face. You see the plea in her eyes, that constantly repeats an apology. Yet he doesn’t see it. He runs his mouth on and on, tearing up every inch of her self-esteem. There is only one thing that manages to slip from between your child’s lips. “I don’t like you.”
This comment only further infuriates her father, and you are left in the crossroads. Take the side of your loving husband who had only four words spoken to him, or take the side of your child who couldn’t learn for the life of you to put the dishes where they belong. It is no choice. The child sees that she is being outcasted and runs. She takes the keys and runs to the door and she is gone.
This child, is me. I ran. I went to hide. I understand that there is no possible way for a person to understand what it is like to have a mental condition. Let alone three. So I am going to tell you.
To have severe anxiety means that anything and everything can stress you out. It means that one minute you will be doing work in class and chatting happily with your friends, when the next you are on the floor sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. If you get sick for any reason and miss class, you become more sick from the stress. This leads to a whole downward spiral of sickness that is almost impossible to climb back out of. It means that you cannot watch certain television shows because the character’s anxiety only increases to yours. For me, this means that my stomach makes an increased amount of acid and my diet has been reduced to that of a vegan.
Severe depression can be similar, yet it causes many different things. This means that if you fail, you blame yourself to the extent that you just want a knife to go carving up your wrists with. This means that if you become embarrassed for something silly, you might as well die. It doesn’t matter if you have a loved one, like a boyfriend or girlfriend because this little voice in your head continuously tells you how little you are actually worth.
Severe ADHD means that when you are taking a test, you have to read the question five times because you cannot understand for the life of you, what it is saying, even though you understand each word. It means that when you find something that you really enjoy doing, you get so stuck and caught up in this one thing, that the people around you think you have a hearing disorder. This means when you watch a teacher, you get so focused on how their face is moving that your brain totally ignores whatever it was that they are actually saying.
I would like to say that I do not blame parents in any way. I think that everyone tries the best that they can to understand and become who they are. The point that I want to make is that when I ran away, it wasn’t because I didn’t love my parents or that I didn’t know how hard it would be to come back home. I ran because that was the only thing that I knew how to do. I want to get a job and I want to be just like everyone else. I would just like to request one thing.
When you tell me all the those things about how I need to get myself together, could you remember that for every time that you tell me, I’ve already told myself the same thing at least 500 times?
♠ ♠ ♠
This is merely an introduction and I am positive this story will change in style, length and topics over time. Please give me suggestions on what you might like to know about and I shall be able to accommodate you.