What a Bargain!

Over the next two trips (each a week apart, since Dean refuses anything more frequent), Castiel gets progressively worse. He brings a pocket calculator and a composition notebook (for the conversion table on the back and note-taking) and spends an innumerable amount of time comparing prices and quantities across the shelves. Whenever Dean tries to hurry him along, he only mutters, “The best deal,” and goes on with his comparisons.

Mostly, when he’s not worrying about time constraints, Dean let’s him do his thing. If playing budget-mom keeps him sane, Dean’s not about to take that away. (Besides, it couldn’t hurt them to be a little more careful about burning through credit cards). But when Castiel throws in a large jar of store-brand mayo, Dean has to draw line.

“No way,” he says, lifting the jar out of their half-ful cart. “Hellmann’s.”

“But, Dean-” Castiel starts.

And Dean cuts him off before he can even utter the phrase. “Some things you just can’t scrimp on. Mayo is one of them.”

The confused-puppy look Castiel gives him, he knows he has some explaining to do. “Look. You can’t always just bottomline price. Sometimes you gotta think about quality. Like with the mayo, okay? You cannot buy store-brand mayo. This stuff’s unnatural enough as it is, you don’t go messing around with it even more.”

“Quality?” Castiel asks, head-tilt included.

“Yeah. Some brands are better than others.”

“Like Hellmann’s?”

“Yeah, like Hellmann’s.”

Dean thinks that’s the end of it. But, of course, he’s wrong.

It really starts when Cas is let loose on a trip of his own.  Dean and Sam are down for a few days (courtesy of a cait sith) and so Cas is left to do the shopping on his own.  Dean begrudgingly hands over the keys to one of the bunker’s loaners and sends him on his way.

He sets out to purchase some bandages and triple antibiotics but returns with three varieties of each and six cans of air fresheners. (They sell scented air, Dean!)  Though Dean protests, Castiel makes him his lab rat, using each salve on a different cut.  A&D Ointment on a scratch across his chest, Neosporin on a cut across above his eye, and Shop n’ Go’s own brand for his scraped knee.  He spends the next week carefully examining each laceration for improvement.  In the end he decides the Neosporin, though more expensive, does seem to heal Dean up much quicker.  On the package, he says, it even claims to reduce scarring.

He also finds that although Airwick is twenty cents cheaper than Glade (which is nearly a dollar cheaper than Febreeze), the penny saved is definitely not worth the coughing fits it induces in Sam.  (Also, he’s gotten addicted to that lavender and peach air-scent; he finds it very pleasant indeed.)

The weeks after, Dean finds himself inundated with the job of taste taster.  He learns that boxed cake is boxed cake, whether it’s Pillsbury, Duncan Hines, or Betty Crocker. (Unless, of course, you’re talking red velvet*, in which case you’d better stick to Duncan Hines or else you end up with nothing but bitter disappointment and red hands.)  He also learns that store-brand honeyed bran and oats is not a suitable substitution for Honey Bunches of Oats, but bleach works just as well if it comes in a Clorox bottle or under any other name.

Cas is angered (and confused) by products for which there is no alternative brand.  He researches thoroughly patent law and bitches about how it infringes on consumer choices and market growth. If there’s no competition, Dean, what incentive is there to do better?  he says.  How do we keep prices from skyrocketing out of control? It’s not fair.

And, of course, there’s the issue with honey!  How can it be so expensive across the brands! Why is honey such a commodity? And then, did you know that honey is an antibacterial and anti-inflammatory? Did you know it helps with the common cold and coughs? Did you know it’s a great conditioner for your hair, Sam? And for your skin?  How can they sell honey for just four-dollars a bottle? Those poor bees work so hard and they’re dying, Dean!  We’re killing bees!  Do not buy any honey. Do not bring any honey here.  Bees are dying for your shiny hair, Sam! And then, Father help us! Honey farms are what’s protecting and keeping the bees alive, Dean.  Beekeepers are last hope for those bees, Dean.  And this is where Dean has to put his foot down because we are not housing a hive in the bunker, Goddamnit!