When I Looked at Her, I Thought of Only You.
Chapter Fifteen.
The rest of the school day went by pretty uneventful which I was thankful for.
I, of course got shot sympathetic glances from every teacher I had. It wasn't unpleasant though, it just made me even more self conscious.
To say I was frightened of the other students finding out that I had tried and failed to commit suicide was a bit of an understatement, I mean its not exactly something you'd want shouted from the rooftops.
It finally hit 4 o'clock which meant I could go home, take my tablets and just relax for the rest of the day. I was pretty happy about that, its really been a long day.
~~~~
I'm not sure why but I decided to make a quick stop before I went home.
Walking down the street I once got familiar with and heading right over to the far away end of it, standing facing that old, rusted and dirty swing set.
A few weeks ago I could have been found dead here and for some unknown reason that suddenly terrified me.
I casually took in my surroundings one last time before I went to leave until something caught my eye.
Standing near the enterence of the small woods just behind the old park was Vic, I could recognize him anywhere. His small frame, muscular arms, long wavy brown locks and his bloody beanie. I bet he probably sleeps with that thing. My subconscious rolled his eyes as I thought that and I let a small smile creep onto my face.
I started to walk towards him when my subconscious took over and I abruptly stopped.
"What the hell are you doing you lunatic? You've been trying to avoid him all day, and now you all of a sudden want to go and talk to him? Are you crazy?"
My subconscious did make a pretty good point but I owed it to Mike to at least have one conversation with Vic.
So that's what I was going to try and do.
I walked the short walk over to him, he wasn't even paying any attention to me. It was like he was in a trance, not realising there's a whole world going by right in front of his eyes.
I couldn't see what he was looking at although I tried too. He just seemed to be staring at one spot and for a long time I thought he was staring past the swing set and looking back out towards the street which I was ever so ungracefully walking along.
It wasn't until I got close to him -and I mean close enough to touch him close- that I realises what he was looking at, some of my blood from the horrible day was still spotted about the path under the swings, the chains of the swings still had blood on them too.
I felt sick, I did that to myself.
"Hey Vic." I spoke softly as not to frighten him.
"Uh, uh, hey." He spoke back, stumbling over his words and looking all flushed about it.
"What brings you here?" I asked with a little bit of a laugh in my tone, trying to lighten the grim atmosphere around us.
"You could of died Kellin.. What made you do it? What makes a person so determined to kill themselves. I genuinely thought the bathroom incident was a one off but obviously it wasn't. Why Kellin?" His voice sounded strained, like he was trying to choke back tears.
"Vic, everything had just got too much. I thought I didn't have any other way out, I thought nothing would ever get better, the beatings, the abuse and being made to feel like I was worthless. Dying was the only way I thought I could be happy, no-one would have gave a shit about me anyway, that's just the way it is.." I was crying now, I hadn't even told my therapist this. This was personal.
"You have no idea just how wrong you are. Kellin, I would have missed you. You've completely turned my whole word upside down and I dont even know how you done it. I like you a lot and I couldn't stop thinking that I would never be able to tell you that, I wasn't allowed in to see you in the hospital but I was there every single day, waiting for you to wake up, praying you woke up.. You just mean so much to me." Vic was sobbing and then sighed at the end, sounding completely defeated.
Hot tears escaped from eyes as I listened to his words and I couldn't stop myself from grabbing his hand and intertwining our fingers together while rubbing my thumb along his to try and sooth him.
And for the first time in forever, I believed him.
I, of course got shot sympathetic glances from every teacher I had. It wasn't unpleasant though, it just made me even more self conscious.
To say I was frightened of the other students finding out that I had tried and failed to commit suicide was a bit of an understatement, I mean its not exactly something you'd want shouted from the rooftops.
It finally hit 4 o'clock which meant I could go home, take my tablets and just relax for the rest of the day. I was pretty happy about that, its really been a long day.
~~~~
I'm not sure why but I decided to make a quick stop before I went home.
Walking down the street I once got familiar with and heading right over to the far away end of it, standing facing that old, rusted and dirty swing set.
A few weeks ago I could have been found dead here and for some unknown reason that suddenly terrified me.
I casually took in my surroundings one last time before I went to leave until something caught my eye.
Standing near the enterence of the small woods just behind the old park was Vic, I could recognize him anywhere. His small frame, muscular arms, long wavy brown locks and his bloody beanie. I bet he probably sleeps with that thing. My subconscious rolled his eyes as I thought that and I let a small smile creep onto my face.
I started to walk towards him when my subconscious took over and I abruptly stopped.
"What the hell are you doing you lunatic? You've been trying to avoid him all day, and now you all of a sudden want to go and talk to him? Are you crazy?"
My subconscious did make a pretty good point but I owed it to Mike to at least have one conversation with Vic.
So that's what I was going to try and do.
I walked the short walk over to him, he wasn't even paying any attention to me. It was like he was in a trance, not realising there's a whole world going by right in front of his eyes.
I couldn't see what he was looking at although I tried too. He just seemed to be staring at one spot and for a long time I thought he was staring past the swing set and looking back out towards the street which I was ever so ungracefully walking along.
It wasn't until I got close to him -and I mean close enough to touch him close- that I realises what he was looking at, some of my blood from the horrible day was still spotted about the path under the swings, the chains of the swings still had blood on them too.
I felt sick, I did that to myself.
"Hey Vic." I spoke softly as not to frighten him.
"Uh, uh, hey." He spoke back, stumbling over his words and looking all flushed about it.
"What brings you here?" I asked with a little bit of a laugh in my tone, trying to lighten the grim atmosphere around us.
"You could of died Kellin.. What made you do it? What makes a person so determined to kill themselves. I genuinely thought the bathroom incident was a one off but obviously it wasn't. Why Kellin?" His voice sounded strained, like he was trying to choke back tears.
"Vic, everything had just got too much. I thought I didn't have any other way out, I thought nothing would ever get better, the beatings, the abuse and being made to feel like I was worthless. Dying was the only way I thought I could be happy, no-one would have gave a shit about me anyway, that's just the way it is.." I was crying now, I hadn't even told my therapist this. This was personal.
"You have no idea just how wrong you are. Kellin, I would have missed you. You've completely turned my whole word upside down and I dont even know how you done it. I like you a lot and I couldn't stop thinking that I would never be able to tell you that, I wasn't allowed in to see you in the hospital but I was there every single day, waiting for you to wake up, praying you woke up.. You just mean so much to me." Vic was sobbing and then sighed at the end, sounding completely defeated.
Hot tears escaped from eyes as I listened to his words and I couldn't stop myself from grabbing his hand and intertwining our fingers together while rubbing my thumb along his to try and sooth him.
And for the first time in forever, I believed him.