Love Could Be Found.

Chapter 1

Dear X,
When you are on the verge of losing all of your best friends, there’s nothing else you can quite do than to just sit there and wait for it to happen. Some things aren’t fixable and I don’t think I can do it anymore.
The thought that I have nobody to actually trust fully is tearing me apart. I have so much going on in my head and I can’t seem to be able to hold it anymore. But like I said before. There’s nothing I can do about it at all.
I’ve been doing fine, apart from all that bullshit. I’m trying my best to ignore the fact that my own dad is cheating on my mom and I’m the only one that knows. It’s hard to hold it in, it’s hard to see him every single day coming back from work and hugging my mom, and she thinks so greatly of him while I stand there and stare.
I don’t want to see him, I always avoid him and he started to think that I might know. I have to stop showing it, I can’t let my mom know about this, and she won’t. Some days, I wish I could scream out the truth and run away. But I can’t do anything. I have my five year old brother who wants to live a normal life and have his family right by his side.
Things are getting bad again, X. I couldn’t stay like this without something to numb the pain. There’s nowhere else I could go to.
Everything is falling apart. I wish I could end it.
Yours Truly,
Allie.

I put down my pen, closing my journal as I let out a deep sigh running a hand through my hair. After a long day at the library, trying to get away from reality for a while, I packed my stuff and got ready to leave. I was always the last one to leave the library. Mrs. Baylin who’s in charge of the library knew who I was and knew exactly when I came in and left. Since the library always ends up being empty, and I’m the one closing it, after I leave.
I lived in a small area, in Phoenix, Arizona and almost everyone knew each other. No one was a stranger unless its someone who moved in recently or was only a visitor. So almost everyone knew me and my family. My dad worked in the police station while my mother was an art teacher in an elementary school nearby. I am the eldest, left only with one baby brother, Cody. Aged 5, while I was a few weeks away from turning 23. The reason why I’m still living with my parents is because I’ve always been so frightened and scared of moving out. Childish, I know. But from all the stories I heard, and the things that happen to people who live alone always scared me, and it was always safe to stay in my room at the house I grew up in.
“Goodnight Mrs. Baylin.” I gave her a polite smile, ready to walk out the door.
“Allie dear, before you leave.” She spoke, walking towards her office, scrambling through a few papers on the table. “Could you please hand this to Dr. O’Callaghan? His office is on the right, last one down the hallway.” She handed me a file, and I agreed, saying my goodbyes again before walking outside the library.
Dr. O’Callaghan? That was definitely a name and someone I wasn’t familiar with. I walked in the hallway, turning heads, looking for his office after I found the last door. Before I could knock, I heard someone who was already with him. I thought I’d wait until that person leaves, because it looked like a really important discussion.
“I need time, please. Give me more time and I’ll figure this out, dad.” I peaked in, and a tall lanky guy with short brown hair wearing worn out jeans and a leather jacket was speaking. He looked angry.. or even furious as I saw his face turning red.
“John, I’ve waited for quite a while. You need a real goddamn job.” Dr. O’Callaghan, who seemed to be his father replied, as he sat on his disk, trying to keep his calmness.
“This is my job! Dad, don’t you get it? This is how I want to make a living and I’m sorry but I’m not doing it.” His son spoke back, “Goodbye.” I didn’t realise he was walking towards the door as his body clashed into mine. I panicked, as my bag fell into the floor with everything that was inside of it, and the papers in the file I was supposed to give to Dr. O’Callaghan were scattered all over the floor.
“Uh-- I’m.. I’m sorry.” I stuttered, leaning into the floor picking up all the stuff that fell. He looked at me for a few seconds, I raised my head, looking into his green eyes.
“Here, let me help..” He offered, helping me put back the papers into the file. After I thought I was all clear I stood up, smiling softly as I muttered a thank you and walked towards the office.
“I’m sorry about that. I didn’t know someone was waiting outside.” Dr. O’Callaghan spoke, taking off his glasses, and looking at me with an apologetic smile.
“No, it’s alright I get it,” I looked back at the door, and saw that his son was gone.
“Uh, I’m here because Mrs. Baylin told me to give you this.” I handed him the file, as he observed it for a few seconds.
“Very well, thank you.” He looked up.
“Have a good night.” I waved my hand, smiling as I left the room.
I let out a deep sigh as I tried to take in all of what just happened. I walked outside breathing in the cold night air. I was tired, and ready to sleep for a week. It was a Saturday night, which meant the bar was full, and the streets were most probably full of traffic. On nights like these, I thank God that I only lived a few blocks away from the library. Plus, I could use a peaceful walk after such a long day.
I was on the end of my third year of university, ready to hand my last exam on Monday before starting another long, uneventful summer. Sometimes my parents would decide to go road tripping to Sedona in our lake house, and sometimes we flew to east coast to visit my grandparents in Boston. It was always the same, just a different timing.
I don’t really have much of close friends. I knew everyone and tried my best to keep the friendship surfaced, without getting attached to anyone. It was better anyway, after losing two of my best friends, I knew I couldn’t risk it again.
I guess it was better to stay cold rather than give too much of yourself away and getting used up in the end.
I took a deep breath as I heard my phone suddenly ringing. It was probably my mother, since it was already 10pm and I didn’t have dinner with them yet.
“Yes, mom?” I answered, immediately.
“Darling, where are you?” She spoke, her voice full of worry. “We’ve been waiting in the dinner table for almost thirty minutes, your dad’s getting angry.”
”Screw dad.” I whispered under my breath.
“What?”
“I said I’m almost home, mom. I’ll see you in a few.” I said, hanging up.
I stopped walking when I realized I was almost by our doorstep. I turned around, taking a few deep breaths and trying my best to hold back my tears.
It was always like this. I’d come home, and see my mother filled with joy and happiness upon a fake husband who never loved her or appreciated her value.
It made me feel like shit, and what made it worse to me was that I had to pretend all along.
“You can do it Allie.” I breathed in, one last time, whispering to myself as I walked into the house.
“I’m home!” I yelled, taking off my jacket and hanging it. I heard no response as I walked around the house, towards the dining room.
My mom, dad and Cody were all sat there. Looks of anger were on my dad’s face, but I completely ignored as I sat down by my brother, saying hello to him as I kissed his cheek.
I put some food on my plate, including pasta, and mashed potatoes. I didn’t realise I had an empty stomach until I stuffed myself with the food, the hunger taking over me. I could notice that my dad’s eyes were burning into me but I only ignored and continued eating.
“Where the hell were you, Allie?!” My dad spoke, his voice firm and angry.
“Library.” I spoke, not even looking at his face as I continued eating.
“Well then, you have to respect our timings. We don’t have much family time together and it’s all because of you.” He spoke. I felt my entire body heating up. Because of me?!
“I like it this way.” This time, I looked up, meeting his angry eyes and I showed him I had no signs of shame at all.
“What did you just say?!” He almost yelled, causing Cody to jump from his seat, feeling startled.
“I think I’m done with dinner.” I stood up, holding my plate. “Have a good night.” I gave him one last look and walked towards the kitchen.
“Allie you better get back here.” He yelled from the dining room and I could hear my mom trying her best to stop him. My eyes watered as I left the plate on the sink and almost broke down before I ran to my bedroom locking the door.
I let myself completely let go as tears ran down my face. I clasped my hand around my mouth trying to stop myself from making any sound. I knew that I’ve hit rock bottom, I knew that this was not how I’m supposed to live. But it was happening and it’s tearing me to pieces.
I heard my dad yelling as he walked towards my door, and I sensed my mom trying to comfort him.
“Leave her, please. It’s probably the pressure from her exams.” She begged him, “Let her sleep, I’ll talk to her tomorrow. I promise, sweetheart.”
I bit my lower lip hard, trying my best to stop from crying. I slowly got up and threw myself in bed, and just like every other night, I cried myself to sleep.

I lay down on the couch as I turn another page of the book I’ve been reading. It was a Sunday morning which meant I couldn’t really leave the house and it’s supposed to be a ‘family day’. But the truth is, I’d be either in my bedroom watching a movie or listening to music, or downstairs reading. My dad would be called to the police station all of a sudden, and he’d leave. While my mother did laundry and tried to clean the house.
“Allie, would you please get that?” my mom yelled from upstairs as I heard our doorbell ringing. I got up, groaning as I straightened my pyjamas and took off my reading glasses.
“Okay.” I yelled back at my mom, walking towards the door.
“Uh.. Hey.” My eyes widened and my jaw almost dropped the moment I saw him. What the hell was he doing here?
“You’re probably shocked I’m here but.. uh,” He chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck.
I was still out of words, as I looked at him. It was Dr. O’Callaghan’s son. I had no idea how he found my house, and why was he here.
“Hey..” I finally spoke, letting out a chuckle. “What are you do-“ I stopped talking the moment I spotted my journal in his hands.
“Is that my..?” I was getting shocked by the second.
“Yeah, it’s the reason why I’m here actually. You forgot to pick this up when your stuff fell and I grabbed it thinking it was my book…” he spoke, and all I thought was ‘what the hell is he talking about?’
“That can’t be because I.. I uh have my journal right up in my room.” I spoke, not understanding the reason why I was stuttering.
“Well, that would be the book that fell outta my bag. They’re identical.” He explained.
“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry.” I held up a hand to my mouth. “Um.. okay, wait. Let me grab it for you.” I ran upstairs looking through my bag trying to find the book.
I flipped through it realizing it was not my handwriting nor what I wrote at all. I gave myself a slap in the forehead and shook my head running downstairs to him.
“Here you go.” I gave him a nervous smile, handing him the book. He muttered a thank you, handing me back my book. “Wait.. how’d you find my address?” I asked.
“It’s written all over your journal.” He smiled and I could swear I saw him smirking. I tried my best not to blush as I looked down at my feet. Realization hitting me as I saw myself wearing the ugliest pyjama and my hair all over the place.
“You have a good day…” he spoke, walking away backwards.
“Allie.” I smiled.
“Right. You have a good day, Allie.” He waved as he walked towards what I assumed was his van.
I closed the door, leaning my back into it as I bit my lower lip. I had no idea why I was smiling all of a sudden.
“Who was that?” my mom said as she walked downstairs.
“Uh, it was one of Cody’s friends.” I spoke, bringing myself back to reality and out of my world of thoughts.
I walked back to the living room, dropped myself on the couch and continued reading, but this time, my thoughts were completely not aligned at all.