Learning to Live

I replaced Ben's journal amid my other books and forgot about it. Before I knew it, August had already come. I had spent the last few weeks pacing about in my room, listening to music, and watching my parents come and go from the new jobs they had started. I ocassionally saw Shawn in his drive way shooting hoops, or ushering friends into and out of his house. It was then that I realized just how home sick I had become.

It was a Saturday afternoon and the sun was shining brightly outside. It was days like these that my mom thought being productive was especially important.

"Hey Rach," She knocked on my door lightly.

I turned Parade the Day down on my stereo. Their break up had just been another bunch of bad news to add to the pile I had already accumulated. I pushed myself from my bed as "Growing Old" acoustic played softly through the speakers.

"What's up?" I asked once I had opened the door.

"I thought maybe we'd go to the store and pick you up a new phone. I know you wanted one a while back, and now's a good a time as any, right?"

I shrugged my shoulders, but kept a small smile on my face for her sake. I had decided to shower and throw on summer clothes today, unlike what I'd been doing on most week days - lounging around lazily in my flannel pajama bottoms and whatever shirt I had thrown on.

"Are you ready to go right now?" My mom looked at the outfit I had thrown on.

White American Eagle shorts, a light blue Hollister hoodie, and black Old Navy flip flops.

"Just let me grab my bag and I'll meet you at the car," I nodded and turned to throw my bad over my shoulder.

I stepped towards the full length mirror we had purchased at Sears and ran my fingers loosely through my hair. I put my phone, wallet, and lip gloss into my bag. I saw on the tube of clear Maybelline gloss laying on my desk and decided to throw it in last minute. It couldn't hurt, after all.

I made my way down the stairs quickly, the sound of my flip flops hitting each stair echoed off the walls. My mother was already sitting in the driver's seat of the car once I slid into the passenger side. She turned the keys in the ignition and turned on the radio before backing out of the driveway. I turned my head to Shawn's house to see him stepping onto his porch right as we drove by. He lifted his hand in a small wave and smiled softly. I felt my cheeks pinken a bit and smiled back.

"Who's that?" I could hear the smile in my mother's voice without even turning to look at her.

"Just this kid named Shawn," I waved the question off nonchalantly.

"He's cute!"

"Mom!" I turned to her and laughed.

"What? I'm just saying!"

I couldn't remember the last time she and I had such a carefree conversation, but I had missed it. We had always gotten along, but she balanced it out with disciplining me when I needed it. I knew she had suffered immensely after the shooting, but I had been so preoccupied with my own pain that I hadn't even tried to console her. I would never blame her for what happened, because the warning signs slipped through my fingers like sand, and I knew it hadn't been any different for her.

When we pulled back into the driveway I had a new enV2 in a Verizon bag sitting in my lap. She had decided that it would be fun to spontaneously stop at the mall to "pick up some new things" before going to the cell phone store. I didn't complain and soaked in the quality time I was spending with her.

I stepped out of the GMC with a smile on my face. I missed being happy. I missed thinking everything was okay. I missed being able to live in the moment without a care. I had lost almost every ounce of the person I had been before the shooting, and a sense of excitement filled me when I began to think I could get it all back.

I gathered up the bags from the floor of the SUV in my hands before closing the door and following my mother up to the front door. She unlocked the door and pushed the door open.

"Rachel!" A voice behind me called.

I turned around to see Shawn walking towards our front porch.

"I'll take these into your room," My mom smiled, took the shopping bags from my hands, and closed the front door behind her.

"What's up, Shawn?"

I tried to make sure I wasn't smiling too much, but the fact that he had remembered my name made me ecstatic.

"Not much, actually," He smiled at me as I walked down the steps so I could talk to him, "How's settling in going?"

"It's going," I laughed lightly, "It's weird adjusting to somewhere new when I lived in one town all my life."

"I can't imagine what that's like. I've lived here all my life, and I don't see my parents moving us anywhere else any time soon," He lightly rambled.

"It's definitely an adjustment," I nodded, pushing my hands into the shallow pockets of my jeans.

The conversation was comfortable, and I hoped that I was hiding my nervousness well.

"I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to come over tonight?" He asked before continuing quickly, "It would be completely casual. There's a bunch of my friends coming over to watch a movie and just hang out. We do it every once in a while and it's usually pretty fun."

He looked at me hopefully and I smiled out of surprise, happiness, and at the fact that he was so adorable when he rambled on like that.

"Of course," I nodded.

"Awesome," He smiled back and looked me in the eyes.

I laughed and broke eye contact and the small silence that had formed.

"Oh, you can come around 7. It's mostly guys but there's usually one or two chicks, so you won't feel weird or anything."

"Sounds good. I'll see you then," I smiled and walked up the steps to the porch and opened the front door.

When I turned around to close the door behind me Shawn waved, took a few steps back, and then turned to walk back to his own house. I closed the door as he reached his driveway.

"Okay, so what'd he want?" My mom smiled and raised her eyebrows as she walked from the kitchen with a dish towel in her hand.

"I'm going over to Shawn's tonight to watch a movie with him and his friends," I grinned, not caring if she saw how happy I was.

"That's great, Rachel!" Her smile only got bigger as she threw her hands around me and embraced me in a hug.

I wanted to rebuild the life I had lost, and this new town seemed to be somewhere that I could do that.