You're My Way Home, You're My Backbone.

“So, I think I have everything,” Brendon nodded to himself looking down at his bag, chewing on his bottom lip. “Maybe.”

“Well if you need something later someone can pick it up for you.” Ryan said walking out of the kitchen wiping his wet hands on his jeans. “Someone has to come back here to clean up the mess anyway.”

Brendon looked up from his bag that was sitting by the front door and towards the lounge room. It wasn’t exactly a huge mess, more or less just needed to be tidied up a little and floor vacuumed of popcorn crumbs. The mountain of dishes was already taken care of thanks to Ryan, so really apart from the floor there wasn’t much to be done.

“You guys don’t have-“

“Yes, we do.” Ryan said cutting of Brendon waving one hand idly in the air. “We made the most mess so we’ll clean it up.”

“But this is my-“

“No buts about it.”

Brendon snapped his mouth shut and Ryan smiled walking towards him. Ryan ruffled his hair on the way past to the front door and picked up Brendon’s backpack of the ground, sliding it into his shoulder. Brendon shook his head in a lame attempt to fix his hair before following Ryan out the door, locking it behind him with shaky hands.

It’s early morning, very early morning and Brendon was only dressed in loose track pants, an old shirt he was sure that once belonged to Spencer and a thin old hoodie. He could feel the cool air seep in through his clothes only seconds after he locked the door and shivered trying to pull his hoodie around tighter. He followed Ryan to the car as fast as he could without stumbling.

Honestly he just wanted to turn around, unlock the door and hide in his bed. But Brendon knew if he tried that, Ryan would dragged him back out by his ankles with a very pissed off looking Spencer pulling into his driveway.

As much as Brendon wanted the bloody thing out of his leg, going to the hospital to have surgery to remove it was pretty scary, but nowhere near as scary as a angry Spencer calling his Mum.

Sliding into the car, Brendon groaned when he realised the inside of the car was colder than what it was outside and flinched when he tried leaning back in the seat. This was why, Brendon thought, when he wasn’t on tour he never left the house before at least nine am during the colder months.

“It’s the but crack of dawn and its fucking cold.” He muttered mostly to himself when Ryan started the car.

Ryan grunted in agreement as he reached over turning the heater up high as it could go, though there was no warm air coming out of the vents yet, he revved the car, hoping it would help then pulled out of the driveway. The street was completely empty which wasn’t surprising for how early it was.

The heater didn’t start to work until they were almost half way to the hospital. Brendon turned all the vents on his side of the car towards him to help warm him up quicker. It helped, by the time Ryan pulled into the mostly empty hospital carpark he hands were shaking but not from the cold.

Ryan parked as close as he could to the hospital doors. Brendon stared at the doors for a moment as he swallowed hard and his stomach dropped like a stone. He remembered last time when he had the biopsy done, this time was different though and it made it a little easier having all his friends close by in support. Knowing that and having Ryan with him now lifted some weight off his chest he hadn’t noticed he was carrying until now.

“You good?”

Brendon jumped when he felt a hand touch his should pulling him out of his thoughts, he nodded as he looked away from the doors. Ryan eyed him doubtful, but didn’t press it and got out of the car once he picked up Brendon’s bag from the backseat. Brendon nervously followed.

They walked into the hospital foyer, getting blasted by the fan vent above the doors which was freezing and towards the elevator to go up to the third floor. When they got up there, the front desk, opposite the lift doors was empty. Brendon bit down on his lip and Ryan shifted the bag onto his shoulder and hit the button for the bell. For how quiet this area of the hospital was that bell was really, really loud.

There was some rustling noise of paper and then a lady walked into the around behind the desk from another room and smiled at them brightly. Brendon wondered how she could be so cheerful at this time in the morning.

“Good morning, how can I help you?” She asked sitting down at her chair with a soft but cheerful smile.

“Hi. I have an appointment for an operation today,” Brendon answered going for a strong voice but even up coming out flat.

“Sure, just let me look in my folder for a moment...” The lady trailed off pulling out a file from the shelf next to her head.

Watching Brendon from the corner of his eye, Ryan pressed his hand to Brendon’s lower back rubbing slow circles in attempt to make him relax. The lady flicked through a couple of pages before looking up at them.

“Brendon Urie?” She asked.

“Y-yeah.”

She smiled and grabbed a clipboard from the corner of her desk. Brendon took it trying not to show how shaky his hands were. By the look on Ryan’s face he guessed he didn’t hide it very well.

“I need you to fill this form out for me. You can sit in the waiting again as you do, once you have finished bring them back to me and you’ll be all set up to go.”

Brendon managed a small smile and turned to the row of seats that were lining a wall by the desk, making Ryan’s hand drop. Ryan plopped down next to him, placing the bag between his feet and looked over Brendon’s shoulder as he started to write.

Brendon’s hands started shaking worse and he tried to hold the pen tighter to make it stop. He bit down on his lip trying to concentrate on writing instead of his stomach twisting from nerves that were only getting worse. Ryan’s hand suddenly covered his own.

“Let me.” Ryan offered softly taking the pen out of his hand.

Brendon handed the clipboard over without protest and balled his hands into fists against his thighs. He watched silently as Ryan started filling out the form, knowing almost everything that needed to be known without asking.

It’s been a couple of years since the band split and though they still talked very often, they didn’t get to see each other as often as they would like. It was heart warming that they still knew these types of things about each other, that they were still so close despite the distance.

“Thanks.” Brendon said with a grateful smile.

Ryan flashed him a smile in return and bumped their knees together.

*

The peachy-white walls looked more and more blander the longer Brendon stared at them. There were just plain downright boring and Brendon seriously couldn’t understand how that colour was meant to keep people calm. It wasn’t helping him, in fact it was doing the opposite, making him feel more on edge than what he already had been the moment he walked into the room.

The ties of the surgery gown were itchy against his back and neck in the most annoying way, and he was also pretty sure that his boxer briefs were showing in the back because of how small the gown was. If Brandon wasn’t so nervous he probably would be joking to Ryan about that, rather than picking at a lose threat from the bed sheets to keep his hands and mind busy.

Wrapping a long thread he plucked out up into a ball between his fingers, he glanced up at where Ryan was leaning against the window seel, looking out at the garden bellow the room. He has been just as quiet as Brendon since Dr Carol came in, explaining the op and has barely moved an inch since.

Brendon’s wasn’t sure if Ryan was going to stay while he was being operated on, he hasn’t asked and no one had said anything yet. All that he knew was that Ryan was being him here in the morning and that Spencer and/or Jon was planning to be there sometime around the time he should be waking up.

At least one of them had to be there when he came out of surgery, they had promised his Mum when she called last night, in a teary mess because she couldn’t be there herself. Brendon wished she was able to make it.

“Hey are you...” Brendon whispered breaking the silence and looked down at his lap just as Ryan turned away from the window.

“Yeah?”

“Are you going to, like, stay while I’m in there?” He cleared his throat loudly.

Ryan blinked a little taken back and pushed himself away from the window walking around the bed to stand in front of Brendon.

“I’m staying.”

Brendon snapped his head up looking directly into Ryan’s eyes. Ryan smiled and sat down besides Brendon on the hospital bed. Brendon felt a little relieves hearing that and let out a breath he didn’t notice holding in.

“I’m not leaving you hear alone. Spencer and Jon will be here soon, possibly Zack too and we’ll all be here when you wake up.” Ryan said looking Brendon with soft eyes. “We meant what we said about you not being alone in this and I think your Mum would kill me if I did leave.”

“How I ended up with friends like you guys I still have no idea.” Brendon admitted with a laugh.

He looked at Ryan with a small smile, almost a little shy. Ryan sighed and draped his arm over Brendon’s shoulder, squeezing him, pulling him close.

“You would have done the same for any of us.”

Brendon’s smile widened and he rested his head on Ryan’s shoulder. His shoulder was bony, as usual, but Brendon was used to it and moved his arm up to wrap around Ryan’s waist so they were soft of half hugging each other.

“Are Spencer and Jon busy this morning or?” Brendon asked letting his eyes slide shut.

“Yeah, they had to quickly do a couple of things. I think Spencer said something about calling Pete.” Ryan said sounding thoughtful.

Brendon went stiff for a second. He knew why Spencer has to call Pete but he didn’t want to think about that right now. It was a whole new set of emotions he didn’t want to deal with right now.

“They’ll clean up your house too.” Ryan added when he felt Brendon’s reaction.

Brendon snorted a little in disagreement but didn’t voice it. He really didn’t see why they had to bother themselves with it. Ryan smirked looking across the room and kept quiet.

Both of them sat there quiet for a long while. Slowly, very slowly Brendon relaxing more and tried not to think about how the nurse could walk in at any moment to prep him for the operating room. He was happy this was meant to be a straight forward procedure.

He couldn’t wait for it to be over. To be back home and recovering.

“You’ll be fine.” Ryan whispered.

Brendon nodded and opened his eyes just in time to see a couple of nurses walk into the room. Ryan held him tighter for a moment not really wanting to let go either.

*

Muddled voices that sounded a lot like static on a radio were the first thing Brendon was aware of. He couldn’t make out any words or who was speaking because it sounded far away, like they were behind a wall made of blankets. Everything was slow and sleep covered; dizzy and loose.

It took a while, but slowly he started make sense of the blurriness and be able to move his body a little. It took longer to realise that however his head was resting, it was hurting his neck, bending it at an odd angle.

With some effort he rolled his head over to the other side in a more comfortable position and groaned lightly when a dull pain shot down the side of his neck, into his shoulder. The voices suddenly stopped and were replaced by ruffling of fabric. Cool fingers touched his arm and Brendon tried to inch away from them.

The voices started again and were still hard to hear, stuck behind murky water but he could slowly pick out what direction they were coming from. The closest one seemed to be on his left, where someone was touching his arm, wrapping something around it that tightened up like a vice before becoming loose again. He tried pulling away confused but whoever was holding his arm didn’t let go.

Someone else touches his other hand, sliding their fingers across his palm. A feather touch that makes his hand flinch from the sensation. Brendon could hear someone laugh, voice slightly clearer than before.

He then felt something press against his left ear and it took a second to realise that someone, a nurse most likely, was taking his temperature like a nurse did twice before taking him to the operating room. The little device beeped next to his ear, loud enough to startle him more awake.

“Brendon?”

The person who was touching his hand picked it up and held it in theirs squeezing lightly, their skin warm. Brendon tried to open his eyes to see who it was, though his head was now facing the other way.

After a minute or two he finally got his eyes to open enough to see something. It was a blurry mess of colours and shapes. He blinked rapidly to clear his vision and one of the shapes moved turning into a lady he somewhat recognised, smiling at him.

“Good morning sleepy head, how are you feeling?” She asked with a smile reaching up to press the back of her hand to his forehead.

“A-alight.” Brendon rasped, voice sounding like he swallowed sandpaper.

His mouth felt like it was full of cotton balls; sticky and dry. The nurse nodded and removed her hand turned to reach for something Brendon couldn’t see. Whoever was holding his other hand squeezed it again.

“Would you like a drink?” The nurse asked holding up a glass of water with a straw.

Brendon nodded sleepily and lifted his head up at the best as he could when the lady held the straw to his lips. Managing to get a mouthful, he couched weakly letting his head drop back to the pillow with a light thump. Everything spun for second from moving too fast. Brendon groaned.

“Try and not move so fast, Brendon. You’re still waking up from the drugs; you woke up a little early actually.” The lady said patting him on the arm. “Now before I let your doctor know you are awake, is there anything you need? Are you in pain?”

“No. But...”

He tried to say about his neck being still but couldn’t get the words to come out, he settled for pointing weakly at his neck instead.

“I’ll raise your bed up a little more. It’ll make it more comfortable for you.”

Brendon watched with slow eyes as the nurse walked to the end of the bed, cranking a leaver. The bed jolted at first and lifted up a couple of inches. The nurse smiled and left the room with her little trolley of equipment.

“Hey Bren,”

Sleepily, Brendon slowly turned to see who was holding his hand. Jon smiled looking a little relieved and squeezed Brendon’s hand again. Brendon smiled dopily back, blinking slowly.

“Hi.”

“How ya feeling?” Jon asked sitting up in his chair, wincing when his back cracked.

“Tried...” Brendon trailed off into a yawn.

Brendon reached up to rub at his eyes and that was when he noticed the needle that was bandaged to his left hand. He made a face and quickly put his hand back down. Jon bit back a smile.

“That’s nothing compared to all the wires that was stuck to you when you came out. Anyone would think you have open heart surgery. It was kind of scary actually.”

“Yeah...”

Brendon blanched mentally at the image in his head. He was glad the wires and tubes weren’t connected to him now, otherwise he probably would be freaking out. As it was, he hated the needle in his hand.

Brendon looked away from Jon and around the room. When his sleepy mind caught up he realised Spencer and Ryan wasn’t there. The two seats by the bed opposite of Jon sat empty.

“Where are the guys?” He asked softly.

“They went to get something to eat. They only just left as you started to wake up,” Jon said. “I don’t think they will be much longer.”

Brendon sighed and let his eyes flutter shut. Almost right away he started to drift but somehow managed to startle himself awake. To keep his eyes open he tested out his right leg, rocking it side to side and wiggling his toes, not brave enough to mess with his knee just yet. It didn’t hurt, but it felt strange, like it was partly numb.

“My leg feels weird.” He moved his toes again.

Jon smiled and watched as Brendon kept moving his toes, the blanket moving up and down. He started to drift off again when footsteps echoed outside the room and Jon looked up at the nurse from before enter the room with Dr Carol. Brendon blinked slowly and let his head fall to the side so he could see them.

At the end of the bed the nurse picked up Brendon’s file, wrote a couple of words and nodded at everyone as she walked back out of the room.

“Hello, Brendon. How are you feeling?” Dr Carol asked taking one of the spare seats.

“Tired.” Brendon muttered before yawning, as if proving a point.

“I’ll make this quick for you so you can sleep more.” Dr Carol smiled. “The operation went very well. It took a little longer than what we planned, because it was being very stubborn when we were trying to remove it from the muscle. The tumour was a bit larger than what the scan actually showed, but not by much.”

“Did you get it all?” Jon asked before Brendon could open his mouth to do so himself.

“Yes.” She smiled widely. “We had to remove a little bit of muscle with it, but that shouldn’t bother you in your recovery and will grow back quickly. We also managed to stitch the area back up without having a problem like we thought we may have with a lack of skin. Therefore it should heal very well without any complications.”

Letting out a breathy sigh Brendon sunk into the mattress closing his eyes, stress melting from his body as a small relieved laugh bubbled from his mouth.

After so long hearing bad news after bad news, stressing about everything and freaking out over the operation, it felt dream like to hear that something had gone right. That he finally got some good news.

Jon beamed from where he sat and squeezed Brendon’s hand that he was still holding. Brendon returned it, opening his eyes. He was finding it hard to keep his eyes open but managed to.

“Thank you,” Brendon breathed. “You have no idea how good it is to hear that.”

“You’re welcome, though it is my job.” Dr Carol smiled. “Is there anything else you’d like to know right now?”

He blinked owl like thinking for a second and shook his head. All he wanted to hear was how the op went; everything else could wait a little longer. Maybe after he slept more.

“Not just yet.” He glanced up at Jon in question.

Jon shook his head and Dr Carol stood. Placing her hand on Brendon’s arm, she smiled reassuringly.

“I’ll let you get more sleep. The nurse will be doing half hour obs for the next couple of hours, but if you need anything don’t be afraid to hit the call button. I’ll visit you again later.”

She smiled at them both and took her leave, half closing the door behind her to block out the noise from the hallway. When Jon couldn’t see her anymore he turned his gaze back to Brendon, who was yawning again. Jon smiled softly and leant back in his seat.

Brendon shifted on the bed, sniffling as he blinked slowly. Jon could see how tired he was and glanced at the door hoping Spencer and Ryan would be back soon.

“I’m so fucking happy that thing is out of my leg.” Brendon slurred relief and exhaustion clear in his voice. “Maybe I can walk again without being afraid of falling over.”

“But then we’d have to find something else to laugh about,” Jon fake pouted. “We can’t call you ‘Wobbles’ anymore.”

Jon tried to keep a straight face when Brendon snorted loudly as the word finally sunk in, he couldn’t stop himself from laughing. Brendon couldn’t help smiling as his eyes drifted shut as he listened to Jon laugh. He yawned feeling himself drift off already, he didn’t want to, but everything started going fuzzy again until everything was peaceful.

Sliding his hand free from Brendon’s grip, Jon slid down in his chair that felt like it was made of concrete. He tried stretching out his back without disturbing Brendon. He needed his rest.

The room fell silent apart from Brendon moving slightly enough to ruffle the sheets every now and then. The hallway was just as quiet, only distant footsteps that were almost quiet as a pin drop. Jon couldn’t remember hearing a hospital be so silent before, it was weird.

After five, ten minutes two sets of footsteps could be heard approaching the room. Jon looked away from Brendon to the door just as it was pushed open enough to let Ryan and Spencer slide in, coffee cups and sandwiches in hand.

“Still asleep,” Spencer observed walking to the end of the bed.

Jon shook his head and took the coffee Ryan offered.

“He woke up just after you both left.” Jon said keeping his voice low, not exactly sure Brendon was fully asleep or not, it looked like it. “The doc came in.” He took a sip of the warm drink.

“And?” Ryan pressed.

“They got it all. The operation went well.”

They both let out a long breath each at the same time and the tension that had been in the room all day dissipated. Spencer flopped down on one of the empty chairs, closing his eyes and tilting his head up towards the ceiling. Relief honestly didn’t cover that anyone felt hearing the news but it was the closest thing to describe it.

“I bet Brendon was over the moon.” Ryan whispered looking at his friend.

“He was pretty calm about it, still dopy. I won’t be surprised if he ends up singing for the whole word to tonight in celebration.” Jon snickered. “I think he’s just glad to hear good news.”

“Hopefully that’s all we hear from now on.” Spencer said still looking at the ceiling.

The other two nodded in agreement. The first challenge was over, but there was still a fight to be won.

At least something was going right, something to bring back hope.