You're My Way Home, You're My Backbone.

“One, two, three –hi Jon- four, five, six...”

Still counting, Brendon managed to flash him a small grin as Jon walked into the lounge room and leaned against the doorframe. Jon smiled back and watched Brendon stand on a bunch of old phone book stuck together with duck tape, while holding onto the back of the couch for balance, his bad leg shaking slightly.

Brendon was standing in a way that his heels were handing off the edge, the left one much lower than the right. It was obvious in the difference but Jon could see the improvement, whereas before the op Brendon couldn’t even lover his right heel.

After thirty second Brendon stepped off the books moving very slowly and carefully. Jon pushed himself away from the doorframe and helped Brendon to the front of the couch.

“You’re doing great,” Jon grinned, patter Brendon’s arm like some sort of clap-on-the-back.

“Really?” He asked sounding hopeful.

Jon lifted Brendon’s right leg onto the couch, while trying to keep from toppling over at the same time. Brendon tighten his grip on Jon’s shoulder and hopped around until his left leg was in the right position.

“Really, really.” Jon grinned. “You can see a difference, small, but it’s there.”

An excited smiled pulled at the corner of Brendon’s lips. He was scheduled to see Rose until tomorrow but to hear that was a hope raiser.

Jon swung his leg up into the couch too and wrapped his arm over Brendon’s shoulder so they could use each other for added balance. Brendon shot Jon a look.

“Are you joining me?”

“Yep, besides if I sit on my lazy ass any longer I’m going to get fat. Can’t let that happen.” Jon leaned forward as Brendon did, free arms stretched out towards their toes.

Brendon let out a snort of amusement at the mental image he got and quickly focused back on counting so he wouldn’t start laughing.

“Then I would have to take up yoga or something.” Jon added almost thoughtful.

He managed to catch Brendon before he fall over from laughing.

*

“Got everything?”

“I think so.” Jon nodded. “I hope so.” He laughed.

Brendon smiled and watched Jon picked up his bag and hand it off to Ryan, who walked out the front door to his car.

Jon turned to Brendon and pulled him into tight hug, squeezing tightly. Brendon held on just as tight until Jon started to let go.

“I’ll be back in five days, look after yourself. Do you exercises, keep your house clean, pay your bills-“

“Yes, Dad.” Brendon deadpanned. “Have a safe flight.”

Jon grinned and gave Brendon another quick hug before following after Ryan. Brendon shut the door behind him.

*

Brendon had to do almost everything in how power not to laugh. He was lying on a surgical table at the doctors’ surgery with Dr Carol leaning over his leg with a very sharp pair of scissors just inches away from his skin. It wouldn’t be funny but the feeling of the stitches sliding out of his skin tickled.
It was weird and uncomfortable but it felt like someone was running a feather across the area every time another was cut and removed.

Brendon watched on fascinated. The last time he had stitches was when he was really little, back when his parents had to hold him down for the doctor to cut them out. It was going to be a very cool looking scar when it was fully healed. Maybe it would be enough to woo Ryan, Brendon snorted a laugh.

It was time consuming but finally the last and the hardest one to remove was gone. There was a little bit of blood from where some skin split slightly, but it didn’t hurt.

“This had been healing up extremely well apart from the end closest to the knee.” Dr Carol smiled dabbing the spot where it was bleeding with a tissue. “Did you have any problems with it?”

“No, it was fine.”

“How had the pain been when walking? Any pains you had previous to the operation?”

“It gets sure, aching, if I’m on my feet a lot or walking up a lot of stairs. No pains like before. Thankfully.” Brendon grinned brightly.

The doctor smiled back gesturing for Brendon to sit up on the bed, feet dangling down over the edge. She took of her gloves and lifted up his right leg, hand wrapped around his heal and pushed his foot back. She watched for a reaction on Brendon face as she lifted his leg up until his heal was in line with his hip. He flinched when his knee cracked extremely loud.

This sort of thing was becoming normal to Brendon, having doctors pull and push his leg this way and that, like some sort of puppet. It made his leg feel like jelly afterwards, in a good way. Good way meaning it was numb enough it didn’t ache.

“Can you walk across the room towards the door? Go slowly, you’re back facing me and make sure you go heal toe. When you get to the door, turn around and walk back to me.”

Brendon hopped off the bed once Dr Carol let go of his leg. He did as instructed, feeling a little embarrassed when he almost stumbled over his own feet because of the baggy pants he was wearing. A minute later he stopped in front of her with a small smile.

Dr Carol then got him to go a range of other things, standing on one foot, on the tip of his toes and so on.

“You’re doing much better. Your muscle seems to be more pliable but I recommend that you don’t go running in a marathon for a while yet.” She smiled. “I agree with your physio, I think you’re about ready to give up the crutches.”

Brendon beamed, hearing that made his day, maybe even his whole week. If he was being honest he was too fussed that he wasn’t a hundred percent but knowing he could walk without using crutches officially anymore was defiantly something worth cheering about.

“You will still need to take things slowly and not push your limit. If you need to rest then do so, take your time.”

Brendon nodded in promise. Dr Carol wrote something down on her notepad, and then looked up at Brendon with much softer eye then before.

“Are you ready for tomorrow? That is when you start chemo am I right?” She asked hesitantly.

“Yeah, tomorrow. Um, no, sort of I guess...” Brendon stuttered out ducking his head hiding his eyes by what hair was long enough.

“I’ve seen a lot of people go through chemo,” She said placing her notepad on the desk and sitting down in her chair. “It’s hard for most people I’m not going to sugar coat that, but no matter how bad it may get it’s always best to stay positive and make sure surrounded closely by people that are willing to help and support you. It’s amazing how much those people can affect you.”

Dr Carol smiled softly in reassurance.

“With this job I’ve seen people in some of the worst positions and still get through it because they never gave up. You probable already have has someone tell you something similar to this but it’s truly worth hearing it again. Mind over matter would be a good way to phrase it.”

“Yeah, my friends were talking about it the other day. They have been through everything with me so far.” Brendon spoke softly smiling at the memories that popped into his head. “Those guys are my family – have been for years.”

“Things like this really do show who your friends really are.” She mused before laughing. “Gosh, I sound old talking like that, as true as it is. I like to help my patients however I can, I guess.”

Brendon smile shaking his head not agreeing on her with the age thing. He’s been to a few doctors over the years for various things and though most of them have been very nice, Dr Carol had been the friendliest and most compassionate one he’s been to. It made things so much easier for to have a doctor who actually cares.

Dr Carol turned back around to her desk and types some notes onto the computer. Brendon walked to one of the empty chairs by the desk and sits down. After a moment she hands Brendon a piece of paper for the receptionist.

“Back to the chemo subject, if you get really sick, can’t keep food down, high temperatures see you GP as soon as possible. Most people don’t have much of a reaction to the first dose but until you have it no one will know how your body will react. Do not hesitate if the symptoms get really bad, the longer you put them off the worse they will get, even if it means midnight visits to the emergency to see a doctor. Better to be safe than sorry. Okay?” She said in a way that reminded Brendon being warned by his Mum.

“Okay.” Brendon nodded a little overwhelmed thinking about it. “Thanks.”

Standing up from the chair his knees shook a little along with his racing heart. He gave her a half-hearted smile trying for a real one as she held the door open for him. Just a small bunch of words could change someone’s mood completely around.

“See you in a couple of week’s time for you first therapy check up. Good luck, Brendon.”

*

The shop windows held no interest to Brendon as he slowly wondered past, weaving in and out of people. For a Monday morning it was busy and he didn’t like it, even more so when the walkway was beyond full. All he wanted to do was walk straight home in peace wondering why in the fucking world he volunteered to walk after the doctor’s appointment when he knew full well what it was about.

He could call for a life but that means no time to think about tomorrow. About today and what’s going to happen over the next few months. Brendon was starting to realise no matter how much time you thought about it, there was always more to think about, more to worry about. It wasn’t like he could stop thinking about it, he’s tried.

Easy said to think positive, and then actually do so. Brendon promised himself he would just a couple of days ago, so that’s what he is going to do in any way, shape or form. He’s succeeded in so many other things in his life, now wasn’t the time to give up.

As he managed to get through the thick crowd Brendon sighed and turned down the first street that was less busy than the last that was still in the direction of home. The further he got from the main shopping street the more empty the sidewalk was until he was the only one on it most of the time. It felt easier to breath, less self conscious when he had to stop for a break and more peaceful under the soft sunshine.

The doctor’s words floated though his head like a mist combined with a broken record. When Brendon stopped for his fifth or sixth rest, not wanting to over work his leg, he started to sing under his breath to block it out. It worked. Somewhat.

It took well over fifty minutes to reach the park three streets away from his house. Treading across the well kept grass Brendon grinned to himself and stopped himself from skipping in joy. Just the walk here alone was triple the amount Brendon has walked since the tumour started to affect his leg and he made it. Without crutches. Sure he had to take a lot of stops, but he made it.

Brendon sat on the grass right in the middle of the park landing with a small puff of laughter as a dog not all that far away from looked at him oddly.

Letting out a deep breath, he sunk backward into the grass to relax and enjoy what time he had left before everything changed tomorrow.

*

The constant sound of ticking filled the empty room followed by a beep every sixty second. It was mildly annoying to say in the least and Spencer was seriously considering asking the nurse when she comes back in if there was a mute button on the machine. It sounded louder than a clock that was tied to you head. Brendon who was strung up to the machine didn’t comment about it.

He just sat there silently looking out the window at the morning sun that glittered on the due drops that still clung to the rose bushes’ leaves. The sight was beautiful and eased the feeling of dread that weighted down his stomach. But it didn’t do anything for the knots there. Brendon thought his stomach was so knotted up that not even a boy scout could unravel it. His heart was practically in his throat.

If it wasn’t for the ticking and the view out the window Brendon suspected he would be having a full on panic attack. Not that anyone could blame him if he did.

Spencer watched Brendon from where he was sitting, frowning at how pale he was, turned greyer every few minutes. Yesterday while Brendon was at the park he and Ryan drew names out of a hat – Pete’s idea- to see who would be at the first chemo tip so Brendon wasn’t alone and wouldn’t have too many people in the nurses’ way. Spencer’s name was drawn two out of three times.

Brendon was just glad he had someone with him, no matter who it was.

Three hours was a long time to watch poison drip into your arm by yourself with nurses you didn’t know fluttering around you. The idea alone made Brendon feel like he was going to be sick.

“How is everything going?” A lady asked, walking around the curtain wall that separated the nurse only area from the rest of the room.

“Alright.” Brendon mumbled softly.

She walked up to Brendon and bent down to his eye level scanning her eyes over his face. Apart from the lack of colour in his skin he looked physically fine.

“First time nerves?” She asked gently, tilting her head to the side.

Brendon nodded biting down harshly on his lip. She gave him an understanding look as Spencer shot him a worried glance over his shoulder.

“Don’t worry too much. Try and relax, ok? And think of something to distract you from it.” She offered in advice. “I have some magazines in my office, would you like to read them?”

“Yeah, thanks.”

She went back around the curtain only to appear seconds later with a small stack of books in her hands. Brendon took them with the arm that’s not connected to the drip machine placing them on his lap. She also passed him a pen before disappearing behind the curtain telling him if he needed her, just call.

Opening the first magazine without reading the headlines, Brendon looked up at Spencer with a tiny smile.

“Do a crossword with me?” He asked hopeful.

Spencer nodded with a small smile of his own. He picked up the chair he was sitting in and moved around closer to Brendon’s side. Taking the book and pen from Brendon, he flicked through the pages until he found the puzzle section. It turned out to be a word search that appeared first rather that a crossword.

“This good?” Spencer asked moving the book in-between them.

“Yeah. Sunset is in the top right box, diagonal going backwards.” Brendon pointed out without battering an eyelash.

“Wait. What?”

Spencer stared at the page for a full minute before he found the word Brendon found in once second flat. He shook his head with a laugh and put a line through the word.

*

It felt like it took forever for the last of the poison to go through the machine and into the needle under Brendon’s skin. The nurse that was still nameless to them watched on focused, as the screen of the little machine blinked, wrote a ton of words then beeped like an over sized alarm clock.

Spencer and Brendon shared a confused yet awed look when the nurse tapped on the buttons hardly glancing at them while disconnecting the empty bag with her other hand.

For looking so young the lady knew full well what she was doing. She turned the annoying sound off and wheeled a trolley close to her side.

“You did great for being you first time.” She grinned. “If only more patients were like you even when being so nervous. But don’t worry though, the more treatments you have the more you get used to having them done.”

“Do a lot of people come here on a regular basis?” Spencer asked curious. “Like every day?”

It was given a lot of people come here, Brendon thought. But he was so interested in how busy the room got. Today it was only him, but there are another two lots of chairs and machines in the room and he wasn’t sure how many more treatments room they had here like this one.

“Sadly, yes. We usually have at least one person per day, on rear days we might even have up to six at a time.” She frowned sadly. “But these rooms are used for more than just chemo, people who need dialyses often come here as well to free up beds.”

Spencer nods in understanding. The nurse showed a small smile and detached the tube that was connected to the needle placing it into a little bin on the trolley. Brendon pointedly looked away when she started lifting up the tape that kept the needle in place. He wasn’t afraid of needles per say, but having the ones that sat under the skin like that freaked him out a little, how he could feel it there without moving his hand.

He noticed out the corner of his eye that Spencer made a face and looked away at the same time Brendon could feel the tape coming off completely. Brendon then felt a small pinch like feeling before being asked to hold down a cotton ball where a drop of blood seeped out. The nurse cut off a bit of tape for the cotton and stuck it down.

“How are you feeling? No sick, dizzy?” The nurse asked.

“No, I feel fine.”

Brendon still was a little shaken and pale from nerves but neither Spencer nor the nurse was going to point that out. He got through it, which was the main thing. Spencer flashed a quick bright smile.

“As a precaution, just sit still for another ten or so minutes to make sure you still feel alright, as I fill out a couple of things if your file. If you are still feeling fine, you’ll be good to go.” The nurse said cheerfully.

“You did well, Bren.” Spencer smile one she was out of hearing range.

Spencer’s smile showed more than what he said and Brendon ducked his head to hide a shy smile. He honestly couldn’t believe he got thought it as well as he did. Relief flooded through his body like the dam broke and for the first time since he sat in the chair, he relaxed back into it letting his shoulder drop heavily.

He’s gotten through one fine so far, though no one was sure how he was going to feel over the next few days yet.

One down and about nine more treatments to go.