You're My Way Home, You're My Backbone.

Brendon sighed for the millionth time as one again rolled over in his bed. The sheets and blanket were soft and warm but for some reason no matter what position he moved into, he couldn’t get comfortable. It had to be past midnight by now.

His mind refused to shut down, his leg ached from the exercise he did before going to bed and his arm hurt, a bruise already forming where the chemo was inserted into his veins. He had been warned about that by the nurse that he could bruise, and it looked like it was going to turn out like a good one.

If only he would stop hurting so he could possibly have a chance of finding sleep.

Grunting he rolled his head around to the clock on the bedside table showering half the bed in blue light. 2:09am.

He sighed letting his heavy eyes slip shut. His whole body was ready for sleep but his mind wasn’t having it. All he could think about was today and what was going to happen tomorrow and for the next few weeks. Fear had its vice grin around his chest and suddenly Brendon felt like it was hard to breathe. But he stayed in his star like position on the mattress.

How does anyone honestly fully grip something life changing as this? Brendon still felt at times like he was watching himself from a different view. Like if he was up high in a tree looking back down on himself playing another life. It was rather confusing.

After five minutes more, Brendon gave up on sleeping at all and slowly dragged his sleepy body up onto its feet, almost treading on a book that had been knocked off the bedside table earlier. He shuffled his way down the hallway to the lounge room flicking on the light. It was blinding but he managed to find the couch without walking into anything.

He picked up the remote and looked at the blank TV screen before tossing it away to the other end of the couch. There would be nothing no so why bother? He sat back into the chair and let his eyes run over the room, just as he was thinking about making the couch into a bed, his eyes landed on the laptop sitting on the top shelf of the bookcase.

Before long the computer was open on the coffee table, charger plugged in and emails open. There were a lot of unread ones, seeing as Brendon hasn’t on to check for a couple of days. Some were from family, one or more from Ken, three from Dallon, a few joke ones from Zack, some from Pete, Ian, William, Gabe – just to name a few. The rest was junk mail that got deleted right away.

Brendon opened the ones from family members and replied to them first before moving onto the ones from his friends.

Hitting send on the last reply, Brendon looked sadly at the computer and the words he just written as they left the screen. He knew no one would reply tonight. Not this late. The house seemed to get more empty and silent realising that.

With nothing else to do he opened a web browser and clicked onto his favourite list to find some YouTube videos hoping would make him fall asleep, but came short when his eyes stopped on the link to the bands website.

Spencer had put up a blog about the band going on hold for Brendon’s medical reasons (though not saying what those reasons are) almost two weeks ago. No one really has talked about it since, not more than that the label had sent their best wishes in his recovery. Brendon has been too occupied to wonder about the fans reactions, it was sort of the last thing on his mind. Until now.

He knew that the fan base would have exploded more than what it did when the bands split was announced. The memory still made him wince in more ways than one.

Hesitating, mouse hovering over the link, he wonder if he should do it or not. Squeezing his eyes shut tightly he clicked the mouse before taking a deep breath. It took him a long time to open his eyes, to see the page fully loaded with Spencer’s announcement sitting right under the page banner.
He clicked on the link before he could back out of it.

The amount of comments shouldn’t have surprised him but they took his breath away. Faintly for a moment he wondered if Spencer or Dallon had gone through them or if they were scared of the reaction like Brendon was. The amount of comments was just unbelievable and was just the band site. Imagine what twitter or tumblr would be like?

Without thinking about it he started to read the top page of comments letting his curiosity win while his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. As usual there were the fan complaints about the band not touring, hate remarks, fans telling off said haters and random shit that really made no sense.

Then there were the heartfelt ‘get well soon!’ messages that hit right in the chest burying in deep.

“Oh my...” He breathed out.

His eyes were wide as dinner plates as he read message after message. Total strangers, people that didn’t know him more than the lead singer of Panic! At The Disco was leaving the most loving and beautiful messages he had ever seen in his life. Words of worry and loved covered the internet page.

Completely overwhelmed Brendon choked out a sob, hands over his mouth in disbelief. He had no idea what to think, what to say, feelings mixed together bursting in his chest making a tidal wave that shook him to the core. Silent tears rolled down his cheeks without being noticed.

With a sudden shock his mind flashed back to the day at the mall when he met those two girls. Brendon could vividly picture their faces and eyes full of worry when one of them asked if his leg was alright. They only thought it was a pulled muscle and still they were concerned for his health. Now seeing those messaged from other people, it was, just...

Brendon had no idea how to process it. Don’t know how to explain what he was feeling, no words fit. He shook violently as sobs ripped from his throat and tears fell.

‘Get better soon Brendon! I have no idea what exactly you medical worries are, but me and everyone else in the fan base wish you a speedy recovery. From what I know of you, you’re a really strong person and I know that you’ll be back on your feet before you know it doing what you love again. We all miss you and hope for the best. Chin up! <3’

*

After the first night Brendon read the fan’s messages on the band website it became almost a regular thing. On the lonely nights the guys didn’t stay over or he wasn’t at theirs, and couldn’t sleep – he was on their website reading then ever growing amount of messages.

He carefully ignored the hate comment and ones of whiny fans that didn’t get the fact he was ill, meaning the band couldn’t tour, not because they didn’t want to. Signalling out all the Get Well comments he copied them to word and save them deep into his computer, to have something he could keep, something for the day he needs extra cheering up or extra motivation to try. Brendon wanted to badly to show his appreciation and thanks but he was unsure how to do that in way that showed how much it means to him.

A loud thud smashed through the silent room knocking him out of his thoughts, when Brendon’s phone suddenly vibrated off the kitchen table. He got to it as quickly as he could wiping soapy hands over his jeans from doing the dishes and practically hopping on one leg to miss the puddle of water on the ground.

After a fall like that it was amazing his phone was still ringing. He misses the call by a mere second. Checked the phone, he frowned at the new scratch on the back cover fitting in well with all the other ones, before long the only think that will be holding the back cover together will be duck tap.
Brendon turned the device over carefully in his hands and before he could find out who called, it started ringing again. “Pete’ was flashing like disco lights on the screen.

“Hello?”

“Brendon!” Pete exclaimed happily. “Finally someone that answered their phone. How are you?”
“I’m alright.” He nodded. “What about you?”

“Great, thanks. Hey, you wouldn’t happen to know where Spencer is would you? He wasn’t answering his phone.”

“Gone to pick up Jon from the airport, then they’re going to take photos somewhere, I think or something like that.”

Pete hummed and Brendon could picture him standing with his phone held up to his ear nodding in thought while kicking on foot against the ground.

“I’ll have to remember to ring him later. Anyway, I have something more important to ask. How has everything been going for you?” Pete asked letting worry seep a little into his voice. “Holding up well?”

“Getting there, I guess,” Brendon replied with a sight. “Good days, bad days.”

“And today is...?”

Brendon chuckled. He pulled one of the kitchen chairs away from the table and sat down.

“Good. I’m a bit tired but I’m finally getting some house cleaning down. Sort of.”

Pete’s laugh bubbled down the phone line followed by distant sound of a dog barking. Brendon smiled and placed his feet on the table.

“That’s good to hear. I wanted to come visit you today but something came up.” Pete said sounding apologetic.

“Understandable. You can visit anytime when you can, I’m at home mostly, or at Ryan’s or Spencer’s.”

Brendon smiled across the room as Pete made a comment about how inseparable they all are. He laughed and shrugged to himself. Like he would ever deny that.

“I’m just too awesome to keep away from,” He smirked. “People love me, Pete. I’m just that awesome.”

“Keep telling yourself that buddy, maybe one day it will be true.” Pete laughed.

Brendon laughed along and settled down in the kitchen chair as Pete started talking about what he’s been up to lately, what new projects he had in mind. There was never a day Pete didn’t have something new planned. They talked for what seemed ages about anything and everything.

Brendon told him about his lounge room make over, how his back yard looked like a wasteland because his grass finally surrender to the heat, how Spencer got him and Jon for messing with his car and his first chemo session.

He even told Pete how scared he was, something that he hadn’t said to anyone but the guys, knowing that he could trust Pete with knowing.

He also hadn’t told anyone that in fear of his Mum finding out, if she caught wind of it she would be moving in and live with him for the next five years. He loved her to bits but right now that would be too suffocating.

“That’s totally understandable. Like, everything that you’re going through would be hard. Would be scary for everyone.” Pete spoke softly but reassuring at the same time. “Everyone is here for you and that’s what you need to remember. And I’m just a phone call away.”

“I know. Thank you.”

“And when I say phone call away, you can call me anytime. Warning: if it’s like fucking butt crack of dawn, I may yell at you first but ignore that.”

“Will do.” He chuckled.

It went silent over the line for a moment Brendon looked around his now mostly clean kitchen, apart from the pile of dishes still sitting on the bench.

“I went onto the bands website the other night.” He whispered.

Brendon hand no clue why he said it but guessed that if he was going to tell some, it may as well be Pete. Being on the phone made it easier because he didn’t have to see the look on Pete’s as he realised what Brendon said. Pete’s surprised gasp was enough of a reaction.

But admitting that to someone felt good like a weight he didn’t notice previously lifted off.

“Did you see the fans comments or?” Pete asked unsure.

“Yeah, um, I couldn’t sleep, so I went on my laptop and just kinda ended up on there. I saw a few.”

Taking a deep breath he bit down on his bottom lip waiting for a reply as Pete thought carefully about what to say. Spencer had warned him that Brendon was a bit touchy with anything to do with the band at the moment, talking about it was a little like walking on egg shells.

“That’s good, being able to go on there. I looked on there the day after Spencer broke the news and some of the thing people wrote...it, it was pretty amazing.”

“It’s unbelievable some of the things I read, I...I don’t even know what to say really, just...”

Brendon trailed off with a dry laughed.

“Yeah. Yeah, I get that.”

Brendon felt tears prickling in his eyes and blinked fast to get rid of them. He still had slightly puffy eyes from the night before and did not want to add to that.

“I have no idea how to express how I feel seeing all that,” Brendon bravely admitted after a few long quiet minutes. “About any of this really, thank you doesn’t seem to cover it, you know?”

“I guess I understand that. Maybe you can do something special for the fans later, maybe? A message from you could be a good start if you feel like you want to say something, seeing as you haven’t been online very much. Some of the fans probably think you have vanished from the map.”

“I saw a few comments where people were asking if I was still alive.” Brendon muttered making a face at the memory of seeing that.

Pete made a noise in distaste. Brendon thought about making a note on the blog. He could do that, it shouldn’t be too hard. Right?

“I’ll talk to Spencer and Dallon. About writing something on the site.” He said quietly.

“Don’t pressure yourself to do it though. Whenever you’re ready, the fans can wait. They’ll understand.”

Nodding to himself, Brendon smiled softly. Not for the first time as of late he wondered how he ended up with some of the best friends a guy could have. Situations like this seem to bring the best out in people. If it was possible, he would jump through the phone line to squash Pete into a bear hug right about now.

He told Pete that, causing the other man to laugh cheerfully. It quickly turned into fun bickering on who would hug who first when they see each other next.

What stress was sitting on Brendon shoulder started to melt. It was relieving to talk to someone about the site, to get their advice and options. It gave him more to think about without the same amount of worry. Plus Pete had a point. He didn’t have to do anything until he was ready; he was only at the start of his treatment with a fair amount of a hill to climb over yet. The best thing right at this moment was to focus on himself and what was to come. He could always ask Spencer to write something for him until he was ready to do himself.

He briefly wondered what the guys reaction would be if he tells them he’d been on the website lately. It was hard to guess.

Halfway through the bickering a beep sounded from Pete’s end of the line cutting off what he was going to whine about. It was followed again by another one.

“Shit, my phone is going to die!” Pete huffed. “I’m going to go and fine my charger, okay? Then I will call you back and win this totally manly argument.”

“We all know that I’m going to win this. But sure, I’ll keep my phone close.” Brendon grinned.
“I will win. And you know it! I’m just too awesome not t-“

The dial tone buzzed in Brendon’s ear and he laughed. Placing the phone on the table, he stood up and walked over to the sink that was now full of cold water. As he started draining the water, the calendar on the pantry caught his eye.

Looking at all the red marks and pen notes for all the upcoming hospital and doctor trips, he sighed and turned away from the hanging pile of paper, pulling out the plug in the sink.

*

“Brendon Urie if you do not open this door I will knock it the fuck down.” Zach yelled in greeting banging on the door once hard with his fist.

Brendon scrambled fast as he could to the door and ripped it open with the best dramatic flair he could do. Zach snorted a laugh when the side of the door almost hit Brendon in the head.

When Brendon caught sight with the matching grins on Dallon and Zach faces he beamed. Dallon held out a large food container.

“Breezy made you a double choc cake of some kind for you for surviving the annoying ticking machine from hell, as Spencer described it. I tried to see what it would taste like but she wouldn’t let me do a taste test.” Dallon said with a slight pout.

“Then how do I know she hasn’t poisoned it?” Brendon asked taking the container.

“I volunteer to be poison taster.” Zack grinned pulling out a couple of desert size spoons from behind his back.

Brendon laughed and held open the door for them.