You're My Way Home, You're My Backbone.

The bright white walls clashed horribly with the bright fire-engine red that was meant to be the feature wall. The room was small, almost claustrophobic and the strong smell of bleach mixed with other chemicals made Brendon stomach churn worse than it already was.

It had only been at least twenty minutes since the blood test was done and already the tape holding the cotton ball in place was starting to itch. Brendon has heard of storied where people were allergic to medical tape and wondered idly if he was becoming allergic to it as well. He saw enough of the stuff these days.

Brendon’s stomach lurched and he moved forward with it holding the small green bucket with tight hands. Again nothing happened. He was beyond relieved that he waited until the end of the day to get the test done so the waiting room was empty, saving him for a heck of a lot of embarrassment.

“How are you doing out here?” A guy, probably not much older than Brendon suddenly asked poking his head around one of the doorways.

Brendon groaned lightly and waved his hand in a ‘so-so’ motion. It was hard to tell what he was feeling. His insides wouldn’t calm down long enough to figure out.

“Would you like a drink of water, would that help?” He offered.

“Doubt it. But thanks.” Brendon croaked.

The guy watched him for a long moment, lips pressed into a thin line before disappearing from the doorway. Brendon turned his gaze back to the bright wall and blanched.

Before he had time to consider throwing up on the wall instead of the bucket, someone else walked into the waiting room, towards him. It was one of the trainees that helped the older lady that took the blood earlier.

She sat down beside him with a phone cradled in her hands. It struck him for a moment that she looked a lot like Rose, the physiotherapist.

“Are you feeling any better than before? If you’d like I can arrange to get someone to take you to the emergency area to see a doctor.” She offered.

“I don’t feel dizzy anymore. Just queasy,” He muttered. “I don’t think I’m going to be sick.”

“If you’re sure, then.” She nodded. “Do you have someone that is picking you up?”

“I got dropped off. I was meant to walk down the street to the fish and chip shop.” Brendon explained. “Family dinner of sorts.”

Family dinner meaning that he and the guys were all going to get take-away for tea, buy a whole bunch of popcorn and watch movies all night. Brendon doubt he’s eat any of that now.

“Would you like to call for someone to pick you up then? I don’t want to seem rude like I’m trying to kick you out of here but it’s almost closing time, and we’d like to make sure you’ll be alright.”

“I appreciate that. I’ll call someone; I think I’m fine to leave.” Brendon nodded placing the bucket down by his feet.

“Okay, if you happen to feel worse make sure you get checked out.” She said handing him the phone. “Just knock on that door when you’re finished.” She smiled pointing to the door next to then, which she appeared out from.

Brendon watched her leave taking down deep pulps of air in attempt to get his stomach under control. He started punching in Ryan’s mobile number.

It rang once, twice, five times. Just as Brendon was about to hang up a loud click echoed in his ear through the line followed by background noise.

“Hello?” Ryan asked timid.

Brendon realised that he was lucky Ryan even answered because he usually don’t pick up calls from numbers he doesn’t recognise.

“Hey Ry,” Brendon croaked before clearing his throat. “Do you think you’ll be able to come pick me up?

“Sure. Where are you? Is your leg playing up?” Ryan asked as a sound of a chair squeaked across tiles, loud enough to make Brendon flinch.

“Leg’s fine...I’m still at the hospital, in the pathology waiting room.” Brendon muttered shyly.

It was quiet on the other end of the line and he looked up from the bucket by his feet to the red wall only to roll his eyes. Seriously, why red? Here of all places.

“Are you alright?” Ryan asked in a rush.

“Yeah, I will be. Can you get here soon? Its closing time here and I’m holding everyone up.”

It wasn’t exactly a lie but it felt like one. Brendon hoped his voice didn’t betray how he sick he felt. The last thing he wanted was for Ryan to get in a panic before driving.

He could hear Jon faintly asked Ryan ‘Is that Brenny? What’s wrong’ and Ryan’s mumbled short reply.
“Can you meet us at the entrance or do we need to go in to get you?”

“I should be able to make it, um, if I’m not there just come into the foyer to wait.” Brendon then quickly added.” I just feel a little sick. Nothing major.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

They ended the call at the same time. Pulling the phone away from his ear, Brendon picked up the small green bucket. Gingerly he inched off the seat until he was standing straight, well somewhat straight. Knots rolled in his stomach but nothing else moved. He shuffled over to the door and knocked loudly twice. Not a second later it opened.

“Managed to get someone to pick you up?” The lady asked with soft eyes.

“Yeah, my friend. He’s meeting me at the main door.” Brendon said handing her the items in his hands.

“Are you sure you’ll get there alright? Do you want someone to talk with you just in case?” She asked a little worried.

He thought about it bitting down on his bottom lip. It wouldn’t hurt.

“Sure, if that’s okay.” He agreed.

“Completely fine,” She grinned before turning to look somewhere Brendon couldn’t see past the doorway. “Hey Thomas, you dong much in the next five minutes?”

The guy that checked on Brendon earlier appeared in the doorway with a polite smile. The lady told him what’s happening and not two minutes later they were out of the waiting room and headed down the long corridor. Brendon was moving slow-ish but the guy, Thomas, didn’t seem to mind the pace. He kept a close eye on Brendon as they walked.

By the time they reached the main front doors Brendon half expected to run into Ryan already with how slow they were walking. But when they got outside Ryan’s car wasn’t anywhere to be seen and with the parking lot mostly empty, it was easy to see every car there.

Brendon frowned still taking deep slow breaths.

“Will you friend be here soon?” Thomas asked, sounding mostly curious.

“They should be here n-“Brendon cut himself off when Ryan’s car pulled into the closest entry way with a short laugh. “Speaking of him.”

The car came to a stop where they were standing. Brendon smiled at Thomas.

“Thanks.”

“No prob. Hope you feel better soon.” Thomas smiled back before he walked back through the sliding doors.

The front passenger door opened and Jon hopped out gesturing for him to get in. Before Brendon could complain he wasn’t that bad, Jon had already pulled the back door open and was getting back into the car. Brendon sighed while closing the door behind himself.

“Before either of you say anything, I’m fine.” He stated softer than what he wanted to. “Just a bit queasy.”

“From the blood test?” Jon asked poking his head between the two front seats.

Brendon nodded.

“Probably should have laid down for it. Maybe drank more water too, they stabbed me about six time trying to find a vein.” Brendon made a face.

“Do you still want to have the movie night?” Ryan asked.

Ryan was already at the carpark entrance waiting for an answer with his head hovering over the indicator leaver.

“Of course, just, you guy get what you want for dinner. I don’t want anything.”

Jon moved from view sitting back against the seat while pulling his phone out and Ryan hit the leaver down before turning right towards the fish and chip shop. Brendon brought his legs up into the chair and rested his face against the window. He stayed like that even as Ryan ran into the shop to collect the food Jon ordered as they left the hospital.

The second the food was in the car Brendon wound the window down half sticking his head out of it.

*

The second movie was playing but Brendon wasn’t taking much notice of it. He was lying across the couch, head in Jon’s lap, while staring at the wall behind the TV. His stomach had settled down not long after he got home but only dared to eat one piece of toast, mostly because Spencer made him.

But that wasn’t what he was thinking about so much, it was about the next lot of chemo he had tomorrow and the little handwritten note tucked in one of his notebooks on the kitchen table. He had written it last week when he got off the phone with Pete and wasn’t sure if he should give it to Spencer or not.

He knew that all he had to do was go on the band’s website and type it himself...he tried, twice. Every time he started typing, those bloody tears started and get heavy to the point that he couldn’t see the computer screen.

Brendon still hadn’t told anyone other than Pete about the website and far as Pete knows he’s only been on it once.

He just had no idea how to bring it up in conversation.

The movie kept playing with soft bouts of laughter filling the room every now and then. Brendon didn’t know what movie it was, could be Men in Tights or Sleepy Hollow for all he knew. Somewhere near the end of the movie he shifted into a sitting position and waited a couple of seconds before standing, walking into the kitchen.

He eyes the notebook as he headed to the fridge, pulling out a water bottle. Taking a drink he caught sight of the calendar on the pantry door and rolled his eyes turning his back to it, coming to face he notebook instead. The smallest things can be such huge reminders.

He let not a long sigh. May as well get it over and done with.

“Hey Spence, can you come here for a minute?” He called lightly.

For a moment he didn’t think Spencer heard, but then he walked into the room eyebrow raised.

“You called?”

“Yeah, Uh...” Brendon coughed. “I, um,”

Shaking his head Brendon placed the water bottle down on the table top and grabbed the book, flipping the cover open. It was now or never. He picked up the loose sleeve of paper hesitating for a second, before handing it to Spencer slightly unsure. Spencer looked at him confused but opened it without waiting for an answer.

Brendon turned his gaze down to the floor at the lino silently listening to the sounds of the movie in the other room. Not even two minutes later he felt Spencer’s eyes boring into him.

“Bren, is this-did you want me...” Spencer stumbled over his words before settling with, “You’ve been on the site?”

Without looking up Brendon slowly nodded.

“A couple of times.” He mumbled rubbing the back of his neck. “I couldn’t sleep one night and, yeah, kind of ended up looking on here.”

“Have you been reading the comments?” Spencer asked carefully. “I do sometimes.” He added after a beat.

“Yes.” Brendon whispered finally looking up.

Spencer stared at him with soft eyes before nodding to himself. He glanced down at the note he held in his hands.

“Did you want to post this for you? You know, I can if you want me to.” He offered.

“I tried but I just, couldn’t.” Brendon shifted nervously on his feet. “If it’s no problem.”

“No, that’s fine!” Spencer exclaimed a little too quickly. “Um, did you want me to make it sound like you wrote it or I wrote it for you?”

“Whatever. Doesn’t bother me, as long as it’s said I guess.” Brendon shrugged.

“Sure.” Spencer said thoughtfully, nodding.

Reading through the note again Spencer let out a long breath before folding it back up and placing it into his pocket. Brendon smiled softly with a slight bit of sadness, Spencer mirrored it.

“Any certain time you want me to do it?” He asked.

Brendon shook his head and felt a wave of relief shove some of the world off his shoulder. Well, that wasn’t too heard, could have been worse. Spencer wrapped an arm around Brendon’s shoulders in a sideways hug.

“Don’t worry about it, I’ve got it sorted.” Spencer whispered softly. “I’ll post it soon and if you want to go through the comments at all I’ll sit with you if you’d like.”

“I’d like that.”

Not for the first time in Brendon’s life that Spencer has been there to save the day. He made a mental note walking back into the lounge room that he should buy Spencer some sort of superhero outfit for his next birthday present.

*

Dear everyone,

I know the sudden announcement of the bands hiatus was quite a shock and very sudden, it was for us too. There is a lot of rumours floating around on the net as to why, most of them to do with me and despite most of them being untrue, the part being that it’s to do with me is.
Right now I’m going through a serious medical condition (As Spencer said in that last post, that I do not want to name still at this point for private reasons) and because of said condition I am unable to tour due to the treatment I am currently receiving. It could be awhile before I am able to travel again depending on how well the treatment goes. At this point my doctor said it’s going well.
The main reason for me writing this is actually to thank everyone who has been leaving me such wonderful, lovely, heart-warming get well messages. On my good days I have been creeping around on here and some of the things I have read on here are mind-blowing. To put how I feel into words is too hard because I’m awed to the point of being speechless.
To be honest I wish I could hug and thank you all personally. For all the support during this really hard time. Between you guys, my family and friends I know I can get through this and really I can’t thank you all enough.

But I’ll try it anyway. Thank you.

Much love,

Brendon. x