You're My Way Home, You're My Backbone.

“Spencer was right, that ticking noise is fucking annoying.” Zach muttered mostly to himself.

Brendon looked away from the window to Zach, where he was watching the numbers on the machines screen change with a frown. After a minute or so Zach glanced over at Brendon, who shrugged.

“I’ve gotten used to blocking it out.” Brendon said with a sigh.

The ticking had been getting on Brendon’s nerves too, but somehow he managed to ignore it for the most part. Zack frowned at the machine when it made an extra loud beep.

The nurse poked her head around the curtain then, looking at the machine, smiled at both of them and disappeared as fast as she appeared. Zach blinked and looked a little unsettled. In fact the moment they had first walked into the room and Brendon was being prepped for the treatment, Zach had been uneasy and constantly fiddling with something for a distraction.

Brendon wasn’t doing much better and was fast turning the same sick grey colour from last time, which wasn’t helping Zach’s discomfort.

Brendon watched as Zach paced for a moment before he sat in the empty chair besides him. Zach’s shoulders were tight, body leaning forward like he was going to bolt out the room any second. Brendon reached out with his free hand and rested it on the back of Zach’s neck, stroking his thumb over the bare skin.

“If you don’t feel comfortable here, you can go. I don’t mind.” Brendon offered.

As much as he wanted someone with him, Brendon wasn’t going to make someone stay when they clearly didn’t want to. Zach quickly shook his head.

“I’m fine.” He insisted.

“Zach.”

“I’m fine, Bren. It just freaks me out seeing this,” Zack waved his hand towards the machine connected to Brendon’s arm. “But not enough to leave. Plus I haven’t been around much lately and what sort of best friend-body guard would I be if I left you here alone?”

Brendon let out an inaudible sigh and tried not to roll his eyes at the stubbornness. He kept up with the light message on Zach’s neck.

“If you ever need to leave, then go. Okay?” Brendon said without leaving room for argument.

Zach nodded. The room went silent apart from the constant ticking. The nurse poked her head around the corner again after a couple of minutes when the machine sounded twice instead of once, she muttered something about a battery change before she left.

Brendon sighed and looked out the window, ignoring the feeling of warmth fading from his cheeks and the tight know somewhere deep in his stomach.

“It freaks me out too.”

*

Brendon groans loudly leaning over the side of the bed for what seemed to be the hundredth time this morning. It was around mid-morning and he has been awake since at least seven gasping for air to calm his stomach down. It wasn’t working. If anything it made him feel worse and the next thing he knew was that he managed to pull out the hidden bucket from beneath his bed with half a second to spare.

Apart from the three trips to the bathroom to clean the bucket out, he didn’t dare move from the bed, just in case. This was the first morning he was truly sick. There had been a couple of times when he felt off or exhausted despite not doing anything, but nothing like this.

After all the talked with doctors, nurses and family members, he was expecting this to happen to some extent. It’s taken three rounds before it’s happened and Brendon counted that as a bit of a win. It could have happened sooner and it could be worse. Apart from his stomach he didn’t feel all that bad.

Brendon spat into the bucket hoping it would get rid of some of the bad taste before he shifted so he wasn’t half off the bed anymore. He needed a drink but was afraid to stand, and sleep sounded good too but it wasn’t going to came back anytime soon either.

After twenty minutes of putting up with a dry mouth, he gave up kicking the blankets off losing all the warmth in one go. He shutter sitting up slowly letting his mind catch up to the movement. Once he was up, he waited for a couple of minutes before picking up the bucket and shuffling into the bathroom, half dragging his bad leg. He washed the bucket out and stuck his head lazily under the tap for a drink.

He sighed to himself and treaded back down the hallway to his bed collapsing onto it, face mashing into the mound of blankets. Suddenly his phone started shaking on the bedside table, he reached for it blindly.

Whoever it was had good timing, he thought idly. He rolled over and squinted at the tiny words on the screen once the message opened.

One new message. From: Spence.
‘Moring wakeup call, get the fuck out of bed! Lunch at my place?’

Brendon didn’t have a chance to hit the reply button before he got another message. Then another.

One new message. From: Jonny.
‘Fuck off’

One new message. From: Jonny.
‘Sorry! Sorry! Wrong person!’

A small smile tugged at Brendon’s lips. He quickly replied an ‘it’s ok’ to Jon before staring at Spencer’s message. As much as he liked to go, Brendon doubts that he could get to his lounge room without getting dizzy let alone to Spencer’s house somehow.

But he didn’t want to exactly tell the guys he was sick right now either. He wanted more time before they came fluttering around to make sure he was ok. If they was one thing in the world he absolutely hated it would be having his friend hover around frowning because there wasn’t anything they could do to make him feel better.

Brendon hit the rely button typing a quick: ‘Raincheck on lunch? I’m tried didn’t sleep well’ and hit send.
He didn’t have to wait long for a reply.

One new message. From: Spence.
‘Ok, Jon’s already has a lunch date anyway. Me and Ry going to hit the mall. Might swing by yours later, you need anything?’

Thinking for a moment he shook his head to himself and text back a ‘no, thanks’ then tossed his phone gently as possible back onto the bedside table. Lucking enough it landed on a pile of tissues before it could fall off the other side. Brendon rolled back over and buried his head into the blankets.

Maybe now he could fall back to sleep. Maybe.

*

Looking at what was left of the single piece of toast with no butter and just the tiniest smidge of jam, Brendon blanched pushing the plate away. It was hard as rocks and taste like crap from recently brushing his teeth.

With a sigh he rested his head on the cool table top, pressing his cheek against the surface as much as possible. His stomach gargled loudly. He wondered if that was a good or bad thing, it did not sound all that flash.

Brendon sat there for at least ten minutes before the sound of tires crunching on the gravel of the driveway echoed from outside, he listened out for the car doors shutting hearing one, followed muffled footsteps heading for his front door. Brendon dragged himself out from his seat and shuffled a little crouched over to the front door.

The other person bet him there, knocking loudly then hit the doorbell just to be annoying.
They hit the door bell again as he was unlocking the door. Spencer grinned innocently hitting the button for the third time, just because.

“I think I get the point that my doorbell works.” Brendon huffed unlatching the screen door.

Spencer stepped into the house and just before shutting the outer screen door, hit the bell for the fourth time snickering. Brendon hit him lightly on the arm shuffling into the lounge room.

Once in the room he changed his mind, spun on his heals, skirted past Spencer in the doorway pulling on his shirt sleeve to follow. Spencer raised an eyebrow in question but trailed after.

Brendon made a beeline for the bed and snuggled in under the covers pulling them up to his chin. The sheets were mostly cold again from leaving it to eat but he could feel slight traces of warm spots by his legs and feet. Spencer sat down next to him leaning against the headboard and pulled the edge of the covers over his legs.

The bedroom wasn’t all that warm compared to the rest of the house.

“What’s wrong, Bren?” Spencer asked frowning, leaning over to touch Brendon’s forehead.

It wasn’t like Brendon to go back to bed when he had a guest over unless something was off and that was a red flag for Spencer. Brendon shrugged but the movement was lost to the mound of blankets over him.

“Bad day,” Brendon sighed.

“Feeling sick?” Spencer guessed as he moved his hand away.

Brendon’s skin was a bit too cool than what it should be despite having flushed cheeks. Spencer looked down the side of the bed and spotted the small bucket poking out from under the mattress.

“You’ve been throwing up.” Spencer stated.

Brendon wiggled his nose and nodded.

“I was earlier. I just tried eating some toast, it’s staying down so far.”

“Is that why you said no to lunch? You could’ve just said you were sick.” Spencer said with a slight worried tone, lips pressed into a flat line.

“Yeah, I know.” Brendon shrugged again. “But I was actually tired. Idiots next door were having a party last night, then I was up early being sick. Tried having a nap, didn’t work.”

Spencer stared at him for a long moment like he was trying to read every line in Brendon’s face like an open story book. His reacting didn’t express if he saw what he was looking for or not.

“Are you feeling better now?”

“Just a little queasy still.” Brendon replied softly.

“I guess you don’t want to know why I really came over here then.” Spencer said bitting down on his lip almost looking apologetic.

Brendon’s eyebrows knotted and he sat up a little looking confused.

“What?”

Spencer shook his head.

“It’s not important. We can talk about it another day.” Spencer said off hand.

“No, just tell me. Talk about what?” Brendon asked sitting all the way up on the bed.

His eyes narrowed in confusion at Spencer, as he looked out across the room. Spencer sighed.

“I was going to ask if you wanted to have a look at the band site. I posted that note for you last night.” Spencer shrugged like it was nothing, though by his face anyone could tell it wasn’t just nothing. “I haven’t checked it myself yet, I thought you might want to together? If you wanted to, unless you wanted to do it alone.”

Brendon blinked a couple of times, his mind going blank for a second. Since he handed the note to Spencer he hadn’t thought it about it much, too occupied with other things. Slowly he lied back down on the bed again ignoring the noise his stomach made.

He took a couple of minutes to think. It was hard reading the comments alone but at the same time Brendon didn’t want Spencer to see him break down reading fan messages. It really can’t be a pretty sight if looking in the mirror after the first time was a big enough shock just to himself. Spencer did post the note though when he could have said no, he has also seen Brendon at his worst many times and if Brendon was going to be with someone while reading them it would be Spencer.

Now knowing his message was on the site, he wanted to read the messages even if they did hurt, but at the same time he wanted to feel his heart to swell up and almost burst from the words that meant so much, no matter how small they were. He wanted to read the words that made him want to fight with everything he has and be able to go back out on stage doing what he loves while touring the world.

That he wanted to so bad, he was just as scared. And with how he was feeling right now he doubts that would be a good thing to do today. Doesn’t think he could stomach it.

“I want to. Just...”Brendon trailed off trying to find the right words. “I dunno if I want to today, I don’t, I mean-“

“Yeah, no. I understand. There is no pressure, I just wanted to ask. We’ll do it when you’re ready.” Spencer said cutting off Brendon’s stumbled words.

Brendon shuffled down under the covers more, swallowing down hard as his stomach knotted painfully. For a second he wondered if he was getting sick from stress rather than from the chemo. It wouldn’t be a surprise.

Spencer smiled sadly and placed a hand on Brendon’s only exposed shoulder rubbing gently. Spencer then moved down the bed, propping up a pillow behind his head and pulled out his phone from his pocket.

“I’ve got something that will cheer you up.” He announced grinning.

Brendon watched as Spencer tapped the touch-screen a few times.

“Remember when I went out with Jon the other day to take photos?” Spencer asked getting a nod in reply. “Well, I was filming on my phone as we walked around the park. Jon tripped over doing the best face plant ever and I got it all on film.”

Spencer snickered holding the phone so both of them could see it. Brendon’s eyes lit up and he shuffled over to see the screen better, watching as Jon was happily walking alone looking up at the tree tops. Then a second later he was falling face first into a mound of leaves, sending them flying everywhere.

Brendon laughed so hard he had to hold his empty stomach together.