You're My Way Home, You're My Backbone.

Spencer’s entire house was mostly silent as Brendon edged down the hallway towards the kitchen making sure his footfalls were light and soundless as possible. It was hard to anything apart from random spots along the wall by the kitchen door was created by the street light shining in through the window besides the front door. When he reached the kitchen all he had for lighting then was the tiny glow of the microwave and oven clock.

How he missed hitting the chair that hadn’t been pushed in was beyond him once he realised he must have missed by the hair of his legs. Brendon let out a breath of surprise and continued making his way to where his phone should still be charging on the bench. Considering he didn’t want to turn the light on in case he woke someone up, his phone was the only thing he had close enough to a torch.

Finding the phone took a while after almost knocking a few things off the bench, including a glass of water that got mopped up by the end of his pyjama pants. He pulled the charger out, making the phone’s screen turn on, that was then he realised it wasn’t his phone, but Ryan’s. Close enough.

Brendon slid his finger across the screen to keep it lit as he moved around the lounge room. Even with the makeshift torch he still almost ran into the low level coffee table. The fire that was flickering brightly in the fireplace earlier was still admitting heat but no light.

He reached into the small set of draws below the DVD stands and pulled out the top one, finding exactly what he was looking for; Spencer’s laptop.

He hesitated for a moment taking a deep breath and listened, soft snoring drifted from one bedroom and other than the clock, that was it. Really, he wanted to wake someone or all of them up for this, but at the same time he wanted to see if he could do this by himself. See if he could handle it better than before – if at all.

Using Ryan’s phone, he found the power button and entered the password. Other than Spencer himself, Brendon was the only one to know his password and vice versa. Without wasting time Brendon opened up the bands website and waited for it to load.

His heart was hammering in his chest and a tight knot formed somewhere by his stomach making him feel like butterflies had exploded in his stomach. Nervousness swarmed in his chest like flies on meat. He pushed the feelings down far as he could; he had to, if he wanted to do this.

The page finally loaded and when seeing the banner picture of the latest album, he hesitated again. Should he really do this?

Brendon thought back on the first time he read the comments and flinched at the memory. The image of himself in the mirror the next morning was vivid in his mind, swollen red eyes, even redder nose, tear tracks down his cheeks, oily mattered hair. It matched what he felt inside when the overwhelming feelings drifted away.

Like back then, without trying to think much, Brendon moved the mouse over the link for the latest updates and closed his eyes before clicking it. One deep breath, two, three, and he opened his eyes, carefully, slowly.

The first thing he could bring himself to focus on was the number of comments. He gasped loudly and slapped a hand over his mouth. When he heard nothing from the others drift from the other side of the house, he shook his head and started to read the first comment – which wasn’t much of a comment at all, more of a reply to someone else. He ignored it and moved on to read the next one, then the one after that.

Before he knew it he was halfway down the first page, chest feeling so tight it was hard to breathe. He pressed on, reading a comment that had to be at least five hundred words about how he/she adored their music and wish the best for Brendon for a speedy recovery, for his family and friends, also adding strong words to the fans that were doing what they can to find out what was wrong with him anyway they could; to leave him alone and he deserved privacy just as much as anyone else.

That one chipped the dam walls and started the gradual water works sliding silently down his cheeks.

The new few were similar to that one just without the length but still hit home just as hard. By this point Brendon couldn’t even describe how he felt other than overwhelmed being a huge part of it. It was just...no words. No words at all.

*

Brendon was half way through the second page while wiping furiously at his face when he first heard movement other than his own in the house. Just over the sound of his shuddering breath, there was a creek of a door opening and shuffling. For a moment he froze, unsure of what to do if the person was to walk down this end of the hallway.

Worried about the light the laptop was emitting, he reached out and pushed the top down, just as the person walked into the kitchen. Brendon was a two seconds late.

“Who’s there?”

Brendon curled his hand together, nails digging harshly into palms and fingers, in an attempt to get his breathing under control. The footsteps came closer still.

He then realised he didn’t push the computer top down enough to put it in stand-by mode, light illuminated most of the couch and coffee table. Brendon could see Ryan’s legs stop to his left just by the arm chair.

“Bren?” Ryan asked sounding a little surprised and a lot sleepy.

Brendon lifted on hand in a tiny, half-hearted wave. Ryan rubbed his eyes and took two steps closer.
“What are you- Hey, What’s wrong?” He asked quickly sounding more awake.

Brendon kept quiet not trusting his voice at the moment and turned his head away from Ryan’s view. Now that someone found him, he kind of wished they didn’t. He didn’t want Ryan or any of the guys to see him like this again, sad and teary eyed. It’s a bit embarrassing but mostly he didn’t want to upset his friend more than what they had to be.

The tears kept flowing.

Ryan rubbed at his eyes again and shuffled to the couch, moving slowly like one wrong more could scare Brendon away, with Brendon upset, Ryan figures, it could.

Brendon stayed where he was and tried to cover up wiping his cheeks by scratching his forehead.

“What’s wrong?” Ryan repeated softer this time.

“Just,” Brendon croaked before clearing his throat. “U-usual stuff.”

An arm draped over Brendon’s shoulder and still with his head turned away, he moved closer leaning into Ryan. Having someone next to him settling some of the overwhelming feeling sparking around in his head, making things a little clearer. Brendon briefly wondered if Ryan would know a better word for ‘overwhelmed’ to cover how he felt, he didn’t ask.

Brendon closed his eyes hoping that may stop the droplets before Ryan noticed them, if he hadn’t already. Suddenly there was a small ‘oh’ making his eyes snap back open. Ryan had opened the laptop screen back up seeing exactly what Brendon spent the last half hour looking at.

Brendon’s breath caught in his throat and he pulled away from Ryan, shrugging the arm from his shoulders. Ryan looked stunned for a moment, shook it off and reached for Brendon’s arm. What Ryan was going to say died in his throat when Brendon’s whole body shook.

“I tried but i-it’s too m-much, I-“ Brendon shook his head roughly.

He rubbed at his eyes hard angry with himself. Brendon knew it would be hard, that was a given, but at the same time it was frustrating he couldn’t get through half a page without the water works. Maybe he should have woken someone up, maybe it was good he didn’t, who knows.

He shot out a hand and slammed the laptop shut loud enough that both of them flinched from the sudden loud snap. The room was black then, other than the hardly noticeable red glow in the fireplace.

A loud angry sobbing noise cut through the silence and it took Brendon a long moment to notice that he made the noise. Without any warning he was wrapped up in a pair of arms, pulled tightly against Ryan’s chest. If it wasn’t for the face he was half sobbing his heart out, Brendon would be laughing because a bear hug from Ryan was pretty rear if Brendon didn’t jump on him or pester him for one first.

“It’s okay. You tried. You tried and that’s what counts. It’s okay.” Ryan whispered.

Brendon nodded and gripped onto Ryan’s arm as if that would keep him grounded. All thoughts were jumped as much as his emotions, it hurt actually; feeling so much in such a small space, all at once.

“Did you want to read them together, would that help.” Ryan asked hesitant.

“I,I don’t- No more, not tonight.” Brendon breathed staring out across the room a little helpless.

“Okay.”

Brendon wiped his cheeks for the umpteenth time and tried to match his breath to a count in his head. It took a long time but it worked.

“Better?” Ryan whispered when Brendon relaxed against him, not really expecting an answer.

“A little,” Brendon whispered back. “Thank you.”

Ryan tightened his arms in reply. Brendon opened his heavy eyes not realising he closed them in the dark. Eventually he sat up, moving away from Ryan and feeling like he was about to fall over with how exhausted he suddenly felt.

“I think – I think I’m going to go back to bed now,” Brendon murmured going to stand but fell back onto the couch. “On second thought, I might sleep here.”

Ryan chuckled half-blindly reaching out to pat Brendon’s shoulder.

“I’ll go get you a pillow and blanket, be right back.”

He nodded though it wouldn’t be seem as Ryan stood and shuffled his way out the lounge room to the hallway, he realised too late he probably should have gave Ryan’s back his phone for a light.

Ryan was back within minutes, a mound of blankets fell into Brendon’s lap. There was more rustling in the room before a small lamp in the corner turned on. Brendon groaned covering his eyes, for a small thing it was bloody bright. Using a hand for a shield, he watched Ryan add some wood to the fire.

Brendon fixed up his makeshift bed getting comfortable pulling the blankets tightly. Ryan closed the door on the fireplace and walked over to the biggest arm chair in the room. Picking up a blanket he wrapped it around himself before sitting in the chair, squinting from the light Brendon managed to give him a confused look.

Ryan smiled shrugging.

“What? It’s warmer in here.” Ryan smile softly.

Croaking out a small laugh, Brendon smiled curling up more to his pillow. A small click echoes when Ryan turned off the lamp leaving the room to fall dark and silent again, though not before Ryan flashed another grin.

Brendon let his eyes close and let the exhaustion drag him down past the thoughts of the last hour since he left his other bed in the guest room. He had to get at least a couple of hours sleep, he needed as much as he could get these days.

*

Waking up with a churning stomach was never the best way to leave a calm dreamless sleep. Brendon rolled over on the couch and blinked his slightly puffy eyes open to be greeted by the early morning sun illuminating the room. It was dull enough not to be blinding and left everything it touched with a golden glow.

Sitting up on the couch, he noticed Ryan wrapped up ‘snug as a bug in a rug’ in the arm chair, asleep. The fire surprisingly survived the night with small flames licking at what was left of the charred remains and still admitting enough heat to keep the room cosy warm.

Though even with the fire the wooden floor was cool to the touch making Brendon flinch as his feet touched the ground. He grabbed one of the blankets and wrapped it around himself, leaving the warm cocoon on the couch and shuffled over to the fireplace. Picking up a log, he opened the door and threw it along with a couple more pieces. After closing the door he pulled the flew out, hoping that would be enough to get it going.

As he stood straight his stomach churned almost painfully.

Brendon bit down on the insides of his lips hard and the second his stomach calmed down; he made a bee-line for the kitchen, dumping the blanket over Ryan as he past. Brendon’s pill bag was sitting on the table; he upended it, spreading its contents all over the bunch by the sink. He picked though the mess to find what he was looking for. This was starting to become a ‘same story, different day’ kind of routine.

Brendon popped the tables into his mouth and stuck his head under the tap for a mouthful of water. At that same moment Spencer’s resident Honey-eater bird flew up to the window about the sink, pecking at the glass scaring Brendon half to death almost causing him to choke on the pills.

The bird flew over to the small bird bath and feeder before returning to the window buzzing there like some sort of humming bird. It stared at him for a long moment before flying back to the bird bath and started to sing. Brendon smiled watching it for a couple of minutes.

Eventually he shoved the stuff back into his bag and lifted himself to sit on the bench to watch the bird while waiting for the pills to kick in.

*

By the time the other three woke up and dragged themselves into the kitchen for coffee, Brendon was outside huddled up in one of the chairs under the midmorning sun. The bird was still fluttering around the birdbath, but now happily pecking at a piece of apple Brendon placed in the food bowl.

Ryan looked out the window lowering the cup slowly. Brendon looked peaceful sitting outside in the sun but looks could be deceiving. After a moment Ryan turned away from the window, got another mug out and poured another cup. Sipping on his own drink, he picked up the new one and walked through the house to the open back door, gaining Brendon’s attention when he shut the door a bit too hard with his foot.

The bird looked stunned for a moment but ignored Ryan in favour of the apple.

Brendon smiled in thanks taking the offered drink.

“So is that the bird Spencer was telling us about last night?” Brendon asked with a croaky voice from speaking for the first time today.

“Guess so. He said it was friendly and it hasn’t flown away yet,”

“It scared the crap out of me earlier.”

Ryan chuckled under his breath lifting the cup up to hide his smile. Brendon fell silent opting to just hold the cup rather than drink it just yet. It was hard to tell if the tables have worked yet, whether he felt hollow because he was still nauseous or had an empty stomach.

“How are you feeling today?” Ryan asked watching Brendon.

Brendon looked back up at the bird, thinking of what he could say carefully.

“My stomach is a little iffy this morning,” He said honestly as he tapped his nails against the ceramic cup. “My eyes feel like they are half shut with how puffy they are.” He added after a beat.

“Doesn’t look like it, you just look tired,” Ryan observed.

“Yeah, I was up early.”

“Why?” Ryan asked titling closer to get a better look at Brendon’s face which still was turned away.
“Stomach woke me up,” Brendon shrugged before adding more quietly, almost whispering: “You know, I’m sorry you had to see that last night. See me like that.”

Ryan let out a deep sigh and looking like he was going to thump Brendon for a second. Only Brendon would apologise for something like that.

“Don’t be.”

Taking a breath Brendon nodded. He felt bad that Ryan saw everything knowing it would upset him too, though Brendon supposed things like that couldn’t be helped anymore. Swallowing the sudden lump in his throat, he finally looked at Ryan. Words he thought he wouldn’t say came tumbling out.

“It’s just hard seeing that. That people who don’t even know me writing all those things and expressing how concerned they are. It’s mind-blowing. I can’t wrap my head around it and to see how worried you guys get on top of that...I’m not used to that. I’m used to be the one worrying about other people, not the other way around.”

“We’ve always worried you about when we needed to be, cared for you. Just never showed it this way I guess.” Ryan spoke softly sounding a little thoughtful.

“I know. I just...I just don’t know how to handle this.” Brendon admitted waving his hand around idly like if that would somehow explain everything better than he could.

Brendon could feel his heart hitting hard up against his chest, making small thumping noises vibrate in his ears. His hands were damp with sweat and he clutches the cup tighter in his hands for something real to hold onto.

“If it helps, I wouldn’t either.” Ryan said honestly, eyes locked with Brendon’s.

Brendon barked out a dry laugh with a little relief.

“Glad to know I’m not the only one.”

“Just. I don’t know. Take it bit by bit, read a few fan comments when you feel up to it...maybe that could help? It would still be a lot to deal with I guess, but less to freak out over every time.”

“You think that would work?” Brendon asked, soundly slightly hopeful.

Ryan slowly smiled trying to be encouraging and hoping that he was helping in some way, because he honestly had no clue what to do. That wasn’t something he had to deal much with before either.

“I don’t see why it wouldn’t help, even just a little. But don’t forget you don’t have to see what they all write if you feel it’s too much. Don’t force yourself.”

“I know, I know.” Brendon sighed before showing a small smile of his own. “But as much as it is an emotional overload, they do make me feel happier. More hopeful that this will be over soon and I’ll be fine.”

Brendon flashed a grin and though it was brief, it was the brightest smile Ryan and seen light up his face for quite a few days.

The bird still sitting by the bird bath chirped a few lines of his song. And Brendon closed his eyes feeling his stomach slowly uncurl becoming liquid-like under his skin. He couldn’t tell now if it was anxiety or actual nausea that made him feel sick before, either way it was going now. Maybe he could eat breakfast today.

Suddenly there was a loud crack-bang sort of noise and Brendon snapped his eyes open, first noticing the bird fly away across the other side of Spencer’s yard ducking into some sort of overgrown flowery bush in the fence corner. Both Ryan and Brendon turned to see Jon’s head poking out of the kitchen window.

“Pancakes anyone?”

*

“You okay in there?” Spencer called suddenly out of nowhere, followed by a loud knock on the bathroom door.

Brendon jumped startled and leaned back against the sink holding a hand over his chest. For a second he was lost for breath, gasping worse than he was before and fought to draw in enough air to speak. There was another knock on the door.

“Ye-“Brendon’s voice cut out and he quickly cleared his throat. “Yeah!”

“You sure? You’ve been in there for over twenty minutes,” Spencer pointed out and his voice sounded muffled like he was pressed against the door trying to hear through it.

Brendon swallowed down the bad taste in his mouth and closed his eyes to block out the bright lights of the room. He could hear Spencer shift on the other side of the door.

“I’m sure. Won’t be much longer.”

He waiting until he could hear Spencer walk away before he pushed away from the sink, heading over to the toilet. Grabbing some toilet paper, Brendon wiped his mouth and checked his shirt for any marks. With a frown, he flushed down what was his breakfast and sighed.

“So much for my pancakes.”