You're My Way Home, You're My Backbone.

Brendon felt weird standing outside the airport knowing that he wasn’t about to fly anywhere. It has been a long time, years maybe, since he last picked someone up or said goodbye to someone without having to rush off for a flight himself. He kept expecting to bump into his suitcase that wasn’t there.

Instead he kept walking into Jon’s suitcase because he was too busy watching other people rather than where he was going. After the fifth time in as many minutes, Jon shot a look over his shoulder and Brendon smiled shyly moving to the other side of Zach.

The group found a little quiet area near the doors, out of the way of people walking past and stopped. Ryan was the first to reach out for a hug.

“Have a safe trip, tell you cats I said hello,” Ryan chuckled stepping back so Spencer could hug Jon next.

Brendon frowned and looked away watching a young lady trying to carry six or so bags, while her husband followed carrying two small sleeping kids. He was pulled back to the group though when someone said his name. He turned to look just as Jon pulled him into a tight hug.

“Stop frowning, I’m only going for a couple of weeks.” Jon sighed into Brendon’s hair. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

“I know. I don’t want you to go, but at the same time I feel like I’m stealing you away from home.” Brendon said, muffled against Jon’s shoulder.

“Everyone is used to me disappearing to here, there and everywhere. As long as I have a working phone my parents and friends are happy. Plus I wanted to be here and I want to come back.” Jon said pulling away with a smile. “I don’t have much going on there and even if I did, I’d still make time to come here to help you.”

Brendon forced himself not to frown and ducked his head. He appreciated everything Jon has done for him, really, but just felt back keeping him away from home for so long.

“Hey,” Jon sighed causing Brendon to look back up. “This place is like a second home to me, its okay. I’m coming back whether you like it or not; someone has to beat your ass in pool with a hidden cat.”

Gasping out a laugh, Brendon shook his head letting a small smile spread across his face. Jon grinned and the other all looked confused as Jon faced Zach (“I may not be your bodyguard anymore, but I’m escorting you to the airport, savvy?”) and hugged him saying a quick goodbye.
It was only a matter of minutes before Jon had all his stuff and was walking into the airport, waving at everyone over his shoulder.

“So, food?” Zach suggested one Jon was out of sight, swallowed up by the crowd of people behind the glass doors.

“Food, glorious food...” Spencer muttered under a smirk.

Ryan glared at him and smacked his arm before walking back towards Zach’s car.

Zach started humming the song, much to Ryan’s annoyance and started walking. Brendon trailed along silently paying no mine to the people buzzing around him and watched as the dark gray footpath moved under his feet.

It’s going to weird not having Jon around for a while.

*

“I brought you that lunch so you better eat it.” Zach half-heartily threatened waving his fork around like it was some sort of spear.

Without looking up from his food, Spencer shuffled his seat over before he could get stabbed in the arm and continued eating. Brendon sighed and rested his face in his hand, not caring that there were sitting at a rather posh looking cafe with his elbows on the table.

“”I’ll eat it,” Ryan offered eyeing Brendon’s plate.

“You already ate half of it.” Zach deadpanned.

“Well I’m hungry and they won’t hurry up with my food,” Ryan huffed glancing over to the kitchen doors.

“You would order the most difficult thing on the menu.” Spencer said around his fork.

Ryan didn’t hear, or just ignored Spencer’s comment and tried, very un-stealthy-like to pinch one of the lettuces leaves off Brendon’s plate. He rolled his eyes and held out his fork, which Ryan happily took, only for Zach to steal it back a second later.

It didn’t stop Ryan from eating the lettuce leaf he was after though.

“Ryan, stop eating other people’s food,” Zach sighed when Ryan managed to get a spoonful of Spencer’s rice. “Brendon eat up.”

“Yes mum-“

“And no back chatting your elders, Spencer.”

Brendon bit down on his lips to hide a smile as Ryan snickers besides him. Looking down at the plate Brendon forced himself not to screw his face up in distaste, not because he didn’t like the meal, but just because the idea of eating made his stomach churn a little.

To be honest he wasn’t sure if it was because of the amount of times just this week he had re-seen a meal he had just eaten of if it was the nausea. Either was it was safe to say the pill the doctor subscribed him didn’t work. He took the fork Zach held out for him.

With a deep breath he stabbed the fork randomly into the food and eats a mouthful. He figured that even if he does end up with his head hanging over a toilet again, at least he tried to eat something. Zach smiled at him from across the table.

It wasn’t until Zach’s and Spencer’s plates were being taken away that Ryan finally got his and bunch of apologies. Ryan just sort of shrugged the waitress off and started shovelling food into his mouth.

“Peg.” Spencer coughed and Brendon smiled, going back to picking at his own food.

Brendon managed to eat just over half of everything before he gave up, dropping his fork and knife down. He pushed the plate away from himself and sat back in the chair.

Zach glanced down at his meal and looked back up raising an eyebrow in his fake father-like manor. It was easy to see past it though when you knew Zach and just see that he is just a worried friend underneath it.

“I’m not all that hungry.” Brendon shrugged hoping to play it off as nothing.

“You didn’t eat breakfast this morning,” Spencer frowned. “Are you feeling sick again?”

Brendon hesitated for a moment, because it wasn’t exactly sickness, not in the way Spencer meant it and shook his head. Out the corner of his eyes Ryan shot him a disbelieving look and ignored it.

“Just not hungry,” He repeated. “Really.”

Zach eyes him carefully for a second or two and Brendon looked away across the room, pretending to be interested in something. Eventually Zach sighed and let it go, turning to Spencer talking quietly. Brendon rested his elbows back on the table and held his head in his hands.

A sudden kick to his leg had Brendon looking up. Ryan smiled in a way that almost said ‘you’ll be alright’ and nudged his arm lightly. Brendon nudged back and let out a small sigh.

He hoped that he’ll be alright.

*

Brendon was home for about five minutes before there was a knock on his door and just as he turned to open it, it swung open and Spencer walked in. A burst of cold wind entered with him and Spencer quickly shut the door. Spencer started tugging at his jacket but quickly changed his mind about keeping it on when he realised how cold the house was.

“Hello there Spence, haven’t see you for ages!” Brendon smiled getting a fond eye roll in return.

“Why is your house so cold?” Spencer asked making a beeline toward the heater in the lounge room.

“The heater won’t work properly anymore; I think the old thing’s finally had it.” Brendon shrugged.

He picked up the air conditioning remote and turned on the heat. He hated using it because it was only good for the lounge-kitchen area and tends to stink a little, but for now it was the best thing he had. It took a few minutes to work and when it finally did, Brendon took a seat next to Spencer on the couch.

“So what are you doing here?” Brendon asked when Spencer didn’t say anything. “Miss me already?”

“Terribly!” Spencer gasped sarcastically. “Actually, I wanted to see how you’re doing.”

“I’m fine.” Brendon sighed, starting to loath having to say that. “Fell like shit, but I’m fine.”

Spencer frowned and shifted on the couch to fully face Brendon. His eyes traced Brendon’s face like f he could looked hard enough; he could find all the answers in the world.

“Stomach?” Spencer guessed eventually, glancing over at the little pill bag on the coffee table.

Brendon hummed in response and pulled the blanket next to him over his legs. Despite the air con being on it still felt like there was a cold draft coming from somewhere.

“I think I need to go back to the doctors and see if they can put me on something else to help. You pay a whole bunch of money and the pills they give you don’t even work.”

“Maybe they just don’t work well for you, something else might.” Spencer offered with a shrug. “Go on a toast diet.”

Brendon huffed out a laugh and pulled the blanket up higher over his arms. There had to be a window open somewhere.

“I never thought the day would come when I would get sick of eating toast.” Brendon snorted. “But it’s happened and I think my toaster is happy about that.”

Spencer let out a small laugh, to keep the calm more than anything else.

It had been obvious to everyone, including Brendon, that he had been more quiet and calm than what he usually is; sinking lower at the treatment went on. Everywhere Brendon turned all he saw and heard about was this person having cancer, it’s something awareness day, please donate money to this charity to help find the cure for this type of cancer. Everywhere he turned it was shoved in his face and that added a lot more stress, made him feel constantly claustrophobic.

The idea of trying to forget about it for a few minutes of piece was an eluded dream. Brendon felt more and more trapped. If only he could vanish for an hour or so, forget all about cancer, the chemo, the band and the worry etched in his friends every time they looked at him recently. If only things could be so simple.

He sunk back into he cushions and rubbed at his eyes.

“Maybe I’m not fine.” Brendon whispered suddenly.

Spencer snapped his head up, eyebrows scrunched together in worry. Brendon kept his eyes down and face unreadable.

“Bren?”

“I don’t know. Everything is just...too much.”

Squeezing his eyes shut Brendon took a deep breath to keep the bubble of emotions in his chest from popping, spilling over and covering everything until he couldn’t breathe. It felt like a python was slowly wrapping its way around his body and the only part it hasn’t reached yet was the neck.

Brendon could feel more than see Spencer reaching out but instead of leaning into it like usual, he stood up suddenly from the couch, the blanket falling to a heap on the ground.

“I-I’m gonna go lie down.”

Without a glance back, Brendon walked out of the room and started speed walking with his infamous hobble once he was in the hallway, all but leaping on his bed once he reached it. He pulled the blankets and pillows over himself until nothing could be seen in Brendon’s flimsy attempt of vanishing.

Back in the lounge room Spencer sat on the couch, stunned and not sure what to do.

*

Staring at the laptop before him on the bed, Brendon sighed and slowly reached out to the touch the mouse pad. After a couple of clicks the bands webpage loaded into the screen and Brendon scrolled down the page a little.

His old post found its way onto the screen and Brendon, for what felt like the hundredth time, hovered the arrow over the link to the comments. Then like so many times before, he hesitated.

He thought about what Ryan said the other day about this. About reading a little every day and see if that made it easier to deal with. Since that night he hadn’t been back on to look though he thought of it often, a constant nagging in the back of his head.

He wanted to, but.

Brendon sighed again and closed the laptop lid.