You're My Way Home, You're My Backbone.

“And in three, two, one...” The nurse counted down a little too cheerfully as she shoved the needle in Brendon’s arm.

Sucking in a deep breath, Brendon made sure not to move as she wiggled the needle around slightly and made an excited noise when she got it into place. Even with the fact he has been jabbed that many times over the last couple of months, he wasn’t getting used to it, instead he was starting to think he was becoming more afraid of them.

He pointy kept his gaze to the opposite side of the room.

As Brendon looked around the mostly empty room, the cheery nurse hummed along to some song he didn’t recognised as she messed around with bags and tubes. Today he was on his own for the chemo treatment, it was meant to be ‘Jon’s turn’ but he was a whole plane flight away. Dallon offered company but he got called into band stuff with Spencer, Ken. Some meeting about something, he wasn’t sure but it didn’t worry about it, Spencer would explain later.

As for Ryan and Zach, they just said they were busy. Brendon never expected for someone to be with him during every session, but it still sucked he was alone.

Letting his eyes drift over to the window where he could see more sky than anything else today, he started watching the clouds quickly drift by. The sudden familiar beep filled the room as the machine turned on.

“All good there?” That lady asked, tapping some buttons making more beeping noises.

“Yep.” Brendon nodded taking a glance at her.

She flashed a bright smile and nodded. Brendon managed a small smile back before watching as she wrote something down on a clipboard.

“I have another patient in the other room and one of the nurses is off sick today, so we’re running a little tight on staff. I’ll be back in about ten minutes to check on you, but if you need me, press the nurse button.”

With another smiled she left, leaving Brendon alone in the room. Sighing he looked back out the window, a deep frown on his face thinking of many other places he would rather be.

*

The small screen on the mobile phone lit up almost the whole room in a blue tinted gleam that bounced off every shinny surface it touched. It only lasted about twenty seconds or so before it would turn off, letting the room go black before Brendon would turn it on again.

It was about that time of night Brendon figured he really should be asleep, but wasn’t. He had spent two hours twisting and turning, dozing off only to drift back awake before sleep could really claim him. It was frustrating to say in the least and being tired in the first place wasn’t helping anything.

The light turned off again and with a sigh Brendon turned it back on, staring unblinkingly up at the ceiling. He sort of wanted to talk to someone but he was alone tonight, like he had been all day and he doubts anyone would be awake right now. He didn’t want to wake anyone up either, just because he wasn’t getting any sleep doesn’t mean they couldn’t.

Thinking back though, he could remember Pete telling him that he could call at anytime, day or night. But it still didn’t feel right waking Pete up just because he was lonely and maybe a little depressed.

He sighed again and lifted his phone to look at the screen just as the backlight went out. He closed it, flipped it back open and frowned at the time. It was after two in the morning.

Making a split second decision Brendon opened up a new text typing ‘are you awake’ and sent it to Pete before he could talk himself out of it. Though if Pete wasn’t awake, he honestly had no idea what he would do, he could only stand to watch the light flicker on and off for so long.

He was really starting to hate these kinds of nights.

After a couple of minutes Brendon gave up with the light show by continued to stare up at the ceiling despite the face he couldn’t see it anymore. There was a very slight glow on the edge of one of the curtains from a street light and that was the only thing visible. At least until his phone suddenly lit up shaking against the blankets and beeped.

Brendon scrambled to grab the phone he dumped somewhere on the blankets and flipped it open, almost falling off the edge of the bed he had no idea he was so close to.

One new message. From: Pete
‘Am now, what’s up?’

Brendon cursed to himself quickly trying back ‘sorry didn’t mean to wake you’. He barely had the chance to put the phone back down before it was going off again.

One new message. From Pete
‘It’s all good. Shitty sleep anyway why aren’t you sleepin?’

Trying back ‘just cant, one of those night’, Brendon reached for his water bottle on the night stand. It was just about empty.

Brendon threw back the blankets and started making his way to the kitchen. He was only part way down the hallway when he got another message.

One new message. From Pete
‘I’ll call you in ten currently fighting with the blankets theyre winning.’

Brendon chuckled and stumbled his way into the kitchen almost hitting one of the table chairs, the same one he missed walking into almost every night. It was a bit lighter out here from street lights but it was still too dull to make out more than rough shapes, all he could really see was the green light on the freezer and the red timer on the microwave. He felt his way around to the sink and filled up the bottle.

He remembered a moment too late that he had his phone still and could have used that as a torch. Rolling his eyes at himself, Brendon went straight back to bed.

“I need more sleep days and less sick ones.” He mumbled to himself climbing back into bed, flopping down star shaped.

Five minutes later his phone started ringing and even expecting it, Brendon still jumped startled. He checked to make sure it was Pete before answering the call, trying to find a comfortable talking spot and knocked down one of the pillows to the floor in the process.

“Hey,”

“Brenny!” Pete chirped sounding way more awake then anyone should be at this hour.

Brendon pulled the phone away from his ear for a moment. Snatching up the pillow from the floor, he threw it onto the other side of the bed. He thought he saw it fall off the other side but with the room being so dark it was hard to tell for sure.

“It’s ass o’clock, why are you not sleeping?” Pete scolded playfully.

“Told you, I can’t.” Brendon sighed, rolling over on the bed. “Just one of those nights.”

“Meaning one of those nights you’re sick or?” Pete guessed.

Brendon shook his head with an inaudible sigh thought Pete wasn’t there to see it. He has been fine for the last couple of days, tired and iffy but not sick. It was enough to make his mind refuse any sleep, even just to shut down for a little while. Counting sheep didn’t do shit to help.

“Nah, just can’t sleep. “I don’t know if I’m just worrying about stuff too much or what. But all I want to do is have a good nights sleep.”

As if to prove his point Brendon yawned then causing Pete to yawn a moment after. Pete let out a short laugh and Brendon pressed a sleepy smile into his pillow.

“If it helps I can’t sleep for almost the same thing,” Pete huffed. “I’ve been sorting out a lot of things lately and today was flat out. I keep going over everything in my head to make sure I didn’t forget anything.”

“Did you remember to brush your teeth before bed?” Brendon chuckled.

It was silent on the other end of the line for a beat before Pete swore. Brendon’s laugh was muffled by the pillow.

“Trust you to actually pick out something I did forget. Gotta wait now, I just had orange juice.” Pete mumbled.

Brendon choked back a laugh and curled up a little tighter, pulling the blankets over his waist. It was silent then, besides their breathing for a minute or two, before Brendon spoke.

“Do you think if we keep talking we would eventually fall asleep?” Brendon asked voice light.

“We could try.”

“You’d have one huge phone bill though.” Brendon pointed out.

“I get free calls all night, it’s all good.”

Brendon smiled and listened as Pete started telling him about his day. It was obvious Pete was leaving out some the Panic! stuff Spencer said Pete was dealing with today and was glad he did for tonight. He’d probably get all the info on it in the morning anyway.

“Spencer said you haven’t been well – for a lack of a better word- as of lately.” Pete said after he finished the detailed version of his day, it was more of a statement then a question.

He had been hoping Pete wouldn’t bring that up, but well, it’s the top question these days. It was mostly wishful thinking. Brendon hummed and rolled over, getting the blankets wrapped around his feet.

“Kinda, I guess.” Brendon said softly closing his eyes.

“Are you down because of the treatment?”

Pausing for a second Brendon thought about it and shook his head. It was a little more than that.
“No, more like everything I think. I think I’m just...over it all.” Brendon guessed not really sure how to explain it. “Like I want it to be over with, can’t be bothered putting up with it.”

The line went silent and all that could be heard was each other’s breathing and soft ruffling of fabric, more so when Brendon rolled over again, trying to find a comfortable spot. He wasn’t sure if he wanted or expected a reply from Pete. It felt better to finally say it out loud for the first time.

“I don’t blame you for wanting it over.” Pete eventually said when the silence was starting to drag on a little too long. “But to be honest though, I don’t know what to say to that. What to cheer you up with.” Pete admitted voice growing quite at the end.

“It’s alright. I don’t expect you to.”

Pete sighed and there was movement from his end of the phone like he had gotten out of bed.
“It just sucks that I can’t cheer you up all the time.”

Brendon hummed in agreement now not sure what to say himself. He could hear Pete moving about through the phone line as he attempted to untangle the blankets from his feet. Pete muttered a quick ‘hold on for a sec’ and a minute later a couple of light acoustic notes drifted though the phones speaker.

There was some more rustling before Pete made an excited sort of noise followed by more guitar notes.

“I’m going to play you a few songs and when I’m finished you’re going to be asleep. And having the best sleep in ages, okay?”

Brendon smiled and moved the phone so if he did fall asleep it wouldn’t end up imbedded in his cheek.

“I’ll try.”

Pete started strumming the guitar as Brendon closed his eyes.

*

Brendon sighed for what seemed to be the fifth time in the last two minutes. He wasn’t in the best of moods and was making a poor attempt to hide it. He was tired, hungry and a little sickish –when wasn’t he these days? – and all he wanted to do was go lay in bed for a while, but for whatever reason Spencer wouldn’t let him.

Instead Spencer kept him occupied in the lounge room by putting a movie on and asking Brendon kindly to watch it with him until Ryan decided to come over. Honestly Brendon was getting bored watching movies all the time, but didn’t voice that out loud.

“What if I got you a bag of sour worms, would that cheer you up for a while?” Spencer offered annoyed when Brendon sighed loudly again.

“No, ‘cause it wouldn’t be a good idea to eat them right now.” Brendon shrugged.

Spencer frowned and looked towards the kitchen.

“How about toast?”

Brendon’s pained groan was answer enough and Spencer chuckled at the reaction. Pouting a little dramatically, Brendon pulled the blankets currently over his lap up to his chin and rubbed the fluffy material against his cheek.

Spencer raised an eyebrow and Brendon just pulled the blanket closer.

“Are you really that cold? It’s hot with the heater on.” Spencer said gesturing to the little fan heater sitting across the room.

“You can turn it off if you want.” Brendon said instead of admitting that yes, he’s fucking freezing.
Spencer stood and made his way to the heater and flipped the switch. He then turned back to Brendon and tilted his head just slightly.

“Are you actually cold or do you just love that blanket too much?”

“Both?” Brendon guessed making his eyes look wide and innocent.

Spencer scoffed and walked around the coffee table, plopping back down on the couch.

“It’s actually kind of warm out today and you’ve had the heater on all morning, how can you be cold? Really?” Spencer asked sounding more surprised than anything.

He reached out looking for one of Brendon’s feet that was on the couch somewhere between them, hidden under a pile of fabric. Spencer quickly pulled his hand away the moment he touched skin, making a face and Brendon doubt the reaction was to do with Spencer touching the bottom of his foot.

Suddenly Spencer stood up from the couch again, ripped the blanket away without warning and grabbed Brendon’s arm half dragging him up to his feet. Brendon made a noise in protest and made a weak grab for the blanket but Spencer was already leading him out of the room and down the hallway to the laundry.

Once outside the sun shone down on them and Brendon could feel the warmth tingling his skin as he crossed the grass.

“You need to get out in the sun more. Being cooped up inside can’t be helping anything and if you get anymore pale, anyone would think you’re a ghost.” Spencer scolded.

“Yes, mum. Sorry, mum.”

Spencer ignored the comment, letting Brendon go and wondered over to the couple of pot plants under the kitchen window. He looked at them for a minute before pulling a couple of weeds out. Glancing around the yard Brendon sighed tilting his head up to the sun and closed his eyes.

It felt nice against his skin and more warming then the heater has been all day.

After standing like there for a while Brendon started felling his neck getting sore and sat down by the laundry door, leaning against the brick wall. He did own a small outside table and chairs but currently home to a mass amount of spiders.

“You’re right,” Brendon said catching Spencer’s attention. “It is warm out here.”

“Ain’t I always right?” Spencer joked picking out a rather large weed and throwing it into the half dead grass.

Brendon snorted unamused and Spencer threw a random weed at him, spraying a small trail of dirt across his shirt. Brendon attempter to throw it back but his aim was off. Chuckling, Spencer came over and sat down, stretching out like a lazy cat in the sun.

“You have to get a blood test today, right?” Spencer asked now starting to pick out weeds in between the pavers they were sitting on.

“Yeah. Well anytime this week, but sooner the better.”

Pulling up the long shirt sleeve of his right arm Brendon checked out the latest bruise from yesterday’s chemo session. It was hard to tell but he was that with every new needle jab there bruises were getting darker and bigger. This one was at least three centimetres across and it wasn’t even full colour yet.

“That from yesterday?” Spencer asked leaning over for a better look. “The chemo?”

Brendon hummed and pulled the fabric back down, careful not to touch the mark. He sighed realising that when he gets the blood test done there would be another dark patch of skin.

“Pete snapped at a guy yesterday.” Spencer said out of nowhere throwing yet another weed onto the lawn.

Surprised, Brendon looked up eyebrows drawn together in confusion but Spencer wasn’t looking at him.

“There is this stupid idiot that works at the record company, he’s been filling in for someone who is on holiday and suddenly think that everything is his business. He kept complaining that you weren’t there for all the meetings and you’re a lazy so and so, and whatnot. He has nothing to do with Panic! but he kept being an asshole about it anyway, before Dallon could punch him in the face Pete full on snapped at him.” Spencer expression looked half amused, half frightened. “The idiot went real quiet after that. I think he got in trouble with the bosses.”

“Pete didn’t say anything about that last night.” Brendon frowned.

“I just don’t get how people can be like that when they don’t even know what happening. Not that anything to do with us has anything to do with him, but still.” Spencer huffed, and then sighed. “Sorry no one could be with you yesterday, I tried to get the meeting changed but they wouldn’t allow it.”

“That’s alright. I mostly stared out the window the whole time anyway.”

Like always, Brendon thought. It felt like that was all he was doing currently, watching everyone else carry on with their lives while he had to somewhat pause his. If Brendon had the dates in his mind right the band would’ve been in Japan right now, getting ready to fly to Australia.

“But still, how you were the other day when you walked off like you did...I wanted to be there with you, so you wouldn’t be alone. I even brought a new puzzle book.”

“Sorry about that. I just, I guess I need to forget for a while? I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on anymore.” Brendon frowned.

Finally looking away from the grass, Spencer turned towards Brendon and bumped their feet together.

“To be honest neither do I. I’m not the one with cancer and I feel like I’m all over the place. I can’t imagine how you must feel.”

Brendon looked away across the backyard then. He thought back on what he said to Pete last night about being ‘done with everything’ and really, that was probably the best way to describe it.

Silence settled in around them, despite the admissions it wasn’t uncomfortable, almost calming in a way. Far off cars could be heard in the distance and a small bird chirped from a tree next door. It sounded similar to the one that hung around Spencer’s house but not quite.

They sat like that for a while, not even looking at each other until Spencer nudged Brendon’s foot again.

“Feeling warmer now?”

“Yeah.” Brendon nodded, only just realising that he was without noticing earlier.

It went quiet again for a minute until something clicked in Brendon’s head and he looked over at Spencer.

“So, you have that puzzle book here?” Brendon asked perking up a little.

Spencer smiled and all but rushed inside to get it.